鲜花村的写作贴

超级无敌小鹤鹤

TPO-12
In the lecture,the professor completely refutes what stated in the reading passage.He said that the theory stated in the passage was very questionable. (我的建议是开头最好能明确说一下reading和lecture的主要观点~~ 你这个开头会给人感觉是直接背得，因为无论哪一篇综合写作，这个开头都是可以用的，所以要避免这种情况啊~~~~至少 He said that the theory 这儿的the
theory必须明说~~)

First of all, the professor claims that Jane Austen had been dead for around 70 years(此处听力部分的意思是说 the portrait was authorized for use的时候J.A.已经dead70年，所以你最好把到哪个点是70年写上去，直接had been逻辑上不是很好). That means his(her，这个错误。。。。) family members who asserted the portrait was Jane Austen had never seen her at all .In contrast,the reading passage states that the portrait must be Jane Austen herself(reading的观点应该放在开头，因为in contrast/however之后的是主要的观点，所以建议先简短说一下reading的观点，在着重讲listening，这样更好一些！). So,the lecture totally disagrees with the view made in the reading.

Second,the professor mentions that the portrait should be(这儿用should be，语气过于强烈，不妨用could very well be) one of Jane Austen's relatives. Because the Austen family was very large and there were many teenage female cousins who were similar to Jane Austen .Contradicting what is just stated in the reading that the face in this portrait is very similar to adult Austen's face of another painting which made by her sister,like nose,mouth,even overall shape of the face,but this proves nothing(这句话语法错误，contradicting的逻辑主语是什么？“，but”前后必须要有完整句子，但是显然你这儿前面没有句子；所以前半句不妨改成the reading stated that。。。。。。). This is another demonstration contradicts the theory.

Finally,the professor raises the issue that the blank canvas which on the back of portrait(这儿细节错误，首先，on the back 的是stamp，其次，blank canvas是 the actual piece of cloth on which the picture was painted) did not sold in London in a period when Jane Austen was a teenager. Because according to the record,the businessman of this blank canvas started selling it till(when，或者not。。。until。。。) Jane Austen was 27 years old when(-- 这儿可以用破折号) she’s(she had) alreadybeen  an adult. This point disagrees with the thinking that the teenage girl of the portrait which has come up for sale by Asuten family is Jane Austen demonstrated in the reading.

In a summary,all above mentioned reasons of the lecture illustrate that the professor disagrees with the point.(和开头同样的道理，你有个结尾本来是挺好的，但是你现在这么写的话，其实在考官看来和没有结尾是差不多~~~ 所以一定要体现出这个结尾是针对这道题的，而不是一个模版，而最好的办法莫过于将 the point具体展开明说~~~)

总体来说还行，但是有些听力细节的把握上还要继续努力~~~
还有就是你开头结尾，一定要去讲一下详细的point，不然会给人直接背模版的感觉，这直接影响你的得分哟~~~

fairyfinger

不好意思昨天又回家晚了...><补上！
关于时间问题，这个就是慢慢练的，我一开始都要两个小时神马的……至于话题，我觉得和写中文作文一样啊？没想太多额。

Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve success with help from one’s family than what is like before.

As the modern society develops, there is a debate over whether we know about it's much easier achieve success with help from one's family than what is like before. Different people hold different opinions on this topic because of their distinct backgrounds. Some people disagree that it's not much easier to achieve success with help from one's family than what is like before. In contrast, I prefer the view that it's much easier to achieve success with help from one's family than what is like before. My view can be greatly substantiated by following discussions.

First,There is no doubt that if one people wanna start an enterprise,he will have to prepare more money for it. Otherwise he can't keep it going on. A good case in that point is that my classmate Rose who's family runs a very successful furniture factory. Rose like reading book very much,and her dream is running a book store. But the problem is not so simple if she wanna run a book store. Of cause, she need the money for opening the book store. And it's not just a very little money, it's around 50,000 yuan. Fortunately, her family gave her a hand when she's in this difficult situation. Now she's running the book store successfully. And recently she told me that she has alreay earned more money that she will open second book store in the near future. Thanks to her family's support, she finally realized her dream.

Second,There is no denying that the good families will bring the profound impact on their children. It is universally acknowledged that the US President Bush and his family. We know bush's father had been a US President before, and now he became a US President again. We can't say there has no any connect with both. I think the education and impact from his family is very important. He can got lots form his family,like thinking method,learning direction,social skill and encouragement.His family gave him so many helps, that is why Bush can be US President.  

Finally, on the contrary, if we can't get help from our families,I think we are hard to success. As it did in the case of my playmate May in my hometown, a little country village. Since she went to senior high school,she has studyed very hard,because her dream is leaving from the village to get education in university of big city. And when she's 20 years old she was admitted to an university of Beijing. What a great job May did! But unfortunately, at that year her father took sick and died a week late,and her family spent whole money, even owed others lots of money .So she can not get education in university,she have to get a job for the owing money. As far as we know.,nothing is more important than to receive education. This is really pity!So if we can't get help from our family we really can't easier to achieve success. we really can't achieve success easily

From all the above we discussed, we can safely draw the conclusion that It is much easier to achieve success with the help from one’s family than what is// it's like before.

感觉楼主的表达很清晰，语言功底不错的。就是有些粗心的小错误，大小写啊什么的
另外楼主第三段反着说我觉得是比较新意的，但是就是太宽泛了，感觉抓不住点。楼主可以再琢磨一下～

晨依Jacqueline

8月15日独立作文修改写得不错，没有什么错误，就有几处小细节可能没注意粗心了。我主要写了一些建议，不只是针对这篇文章来讲，可能会对以后的其他作文也会有帮助的吧。Hope it helps...-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/8/18 2:09:11)

噗呲。。。o(*≧▽≦)ツ  下载次数：3！！！-- by 会员 超级无敌小鹤鹤 (2012/8/18 9:45:06)

 要不我把附件撤了吧，不给别人看了。。

超级无敌小鹤鹤

8月15日独立作文修改写得不错，没有什么错误，就有几处小细节可能没注意粗心了。我主要写了一些建议，不只是针对这篇文章来讲，可能会对以后的其他作文也会有帮助的吧。Hope it helps...-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/8/18 2:09:11)

噗呲。。。o(*≧▽≦)ツ  下载次数：3！！！-- by 会员 超级无敌小鹤鹤 (2012/8/18 9:45:06)

 要不我把附件撤了吧，不给别人看了。。

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/8/18 10:17:49)

哈哈~~~

猫和鸭

谢谢晨依和鹤鹤的帮助，废话少说。。。。我会加油滴

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

First（这里多余啦）,the lecture apparently disputes the points illustrated in the reading material. According to the passage that claims there has（are） three suggestions for this topic（应该简述一下这个topic 的）.but this listening is not in agreement with that of the reading passage.

First, the reading passage states that cane toad can be keep in limit（这个是verb） place by national fence to control growing and propagating.but the professor hold a positive（opposite？） attitude towards that because the national fence can't work on the river way,like rivers and streams which will spear out to the place that national fence doesn't cover. So the young canes and cane eggs still can multiplied rapidly in other side. This suggestion is not effective.

Second,the professor mentions that letting the volunteer to capture and destroy the cane toad is not wise. She asserts that these volunteers didn't be trained（have not been） on how to know（这里应该是分辨出来distinguish） which one is the cane toad and which one is not the cane toad. So they maybe capture and destory the wrong animal that similar with cane toad. And if they didn't be trained, they may can't distinguish whether the toad is safety to people or not. If not, that will be dangerous to volunteers（这一点我确实没有听到额）. This content that explicitly contradicts that reading passage.

Finally,the professor opposes to the reading passage's expectation that using the virus to control the cane toad's populations is not（not 去掉，在reading里面着就是一个好idea啊） a good idea. Because if the people use this kind of virus on the cane toads, theres will has a problem that if the researchers or pet collections who are from America attempt to take bring some cane toads with the virus to their country. These cane toads might be seriously infect to the other animal's populations in America,even destory the local place's ecosystem,becuase in the America, the cone toad is a native animal and it is the vital part of the America ecosystem.otherwise, it will cause a seriously ecosystem disaster.

In conclusion, the point made in the lecture contracts with that is presented in the reading material

在标点之后空一格，然后最后一段的逻辑好搞的好一点啊。听力的点倒是很全。

猫和鸭

8/18独立The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries



As the modern society develops, there is a debate over whether we know about the best way to improve the quality of education is increase teacher's salaries. Different people hold different opinions on this topic because of their distinct backgrounds. Some people disagree that the best way to improve the quality of educations is increase teachers' salaries. In contrast, I prefer the view that the best way to improve the quality of education is increase teachers' salaries. My view can be greatly substantiated by following discussions.

Frist, there is no denying that the quality of education depends on teacher's teaching method and teaching measure.improving these skills are the process about learning from books or advanced programs. How many times we hear such word like this'The more books we read, the more learned we become.' . Of cause,increase teacher's salaries can let them earn more money. That mean they can spend more money on those relevant books and advance programs.Like my teacher Mr. Li who is the best English teacher that I have ever had. She spends more time and efforts on improving her teaching skill.So she need more money for books and programs, even some abroad advanced programs which is undoubtedly useful to improve her quality of education.

Second, on no account can we ignore the value of high salary. Because the high salary  can support the high quality of teacher's living,like changing the house condition and transport condition for their families,even they can afford to tourism with their families. Absolutely,teachers who earn more money to change the life quality of their families can win the support of their families on their jobs. Meanwhile,the teachers who are full of enthusiasm are more likey to imporve teachers' quality of education .

Finally, There is no doubt that our educational system leaves something to be desired. But nothing is more important than to receive education.if we do not increase the teachers' salaries on improving the quality of eduction. They will have no zeal on their job. And they will just drift along aimlessly,they have no incentive to improve their quality of education because their small salaries. That will be worst for students.Because there is no denying that the high quality of education has a great influence on student's learning,studying and growing. So it is conceivable that the high salary plays an important role in teacher's life ,and we should bring home to teachers the value of working hard on improving high education quality.

From all the above we have discussed, we can safely draw the conclusion that in order to the healthy growth of the yonnger generation and the prosperity of country. We should let teachers get more power and zeal on their teaching quality. So I reinforce my standpoint to choose they best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries.

ykhjy

8/18独立The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries
修改~~~蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注

As the modern society develops, there is a debate over whether we know about the best way to improve the quality of education is increase[increasing] teacher's salaries. Different people hold different opinions on this topic because of their distinct backgrounds. Some people disagree that the best way to improve the quality of educations is increase teachers' salaries[可以适当变换句型喔~比如说it is the best way to ..]. In contrast, I prefer the view that the best way to improve the quality of education is increase teachers' salaries. My view can be greatly substantiated by following discussions.[没什么问题，很工整的开头，就是感觉能偶尔变换下句型会更好~]

Frist, there is no denying[总感觉有点奇怪，一般是there is no doubt 或者是 no one can deny] that the quality of education depends on teacher's[teachers'] teaching method and teaching measure[觉得和前面的method重复].Improving these skills are[is] the process about learning from books or advanced programs. How many times we hear such word like this'The more books we read, the more learned we become.' . Of cause[这个连词不太恰当把，我感觉这里这句话可以和后面的那句话连起来，比如说，Thus with a higher salaries, teachers can spend more money...],increase teacher's salaries can let them earn more money. That mean they can spend more money on those relevant books and advance programs.Like my teacher Mr. Li who is the best English teacher that I have ever had. She spends more time and efforts on improving her teaching skill.So she needs more money [to pay] for books and programs,[and she] even [will purchase] some abroad advanced programs which is[are] undoubtedly useful to improve her quality of education.[论述教育质量依赖老师的知识，老师的知识来源于书本，而这些书本要靠salary来买。逻辑上没什么问题，只是老师都有这么好么，都会拿工资买书提高自己的教学？。。哈哈。这么写应该也是可以的]

Second, on no account can we ignore the value of high salary. Because the high salary  can support the high quality of teacher's living,like[such as] changing[这里用一些提高类的词或许更好，如better、improve之类的] the house condition and transport condition for their families,even they can afford to tourism with their families. Absolutely,teachers who earn more money to change the life quality of their families can win the support of their families on[for这个我不太确定，感觉是support for] their jobs. Meanwhile,the teachers who are full of enthusiasm are more likey to imporve teachers' quality of education .[论述高工资带来高生活质量，然后teacher就是更有热情教书。应该也可以。。]

Finally, There is no doubt that our educational system leaves something to be desired[我不太明白这里什么意思额，是想说教育体制遗留很多问题么？是不是想用designed。如果是那样的话这么说 many problems in the educational system needed to be solved ]. But nothing is more important than to receive education.if we do not increase the teachers' salaries on[to] improving[improve] the quality of education, they will have no zeal on their job. And[Thus] they will just drift along aimlessly,[and]they [will 前后时态一致] have no incentive to improve their quality of education because their small[low] salaries. That will be worst for students[这里不用分句] because there is no denying that the high quality of education has a great influence on student's learning,studying and growing. So it is conceivable that the high salary plays an important role in teacher's life ,and we should bring home to teachers the value of working hard on improving high education quality.[这段内容就觉得有点勉强了。因为文章需要证明老师薪水提高是不是会提高教育质量，这一段内容已经假定薪水提高对教育质量的提高是有作用的了。]

From all the above we have discussed, we can safely draw the conclusion that in order to [这里得加个动词，in order to do sth. 可以用guarantee] the healthy growth of the yonnger generation and the prosperity of country.[这里不能断句额，in order to引导状语从句] we should let teachers get more power and zeal on their teaching quality. So I reinforce my standpoint to choose they best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries.
【总体来说呢，文章立场明确，结构也蛮清晰的
 tips：1.论证内容有点勉强，可能lz是不是把the quality of education 都从teacher的方面考虑了，建议再考虑下几个point额
          2.注意逻辑连词，还有不能随便断句
          3.句型可以多一些变化~~这方面我不太行。。      】有问题找我讨论喔~

猫和鸭

不好意思，作业交晚了。

8月20日your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.
As the modern society develops, there is a debate over whether our job has more effect on our happiness than our social life does. Different people hold different opinions on this topic because of their distinct backgrounds. Some people think that the job has more effect on the happiness than the social life does. In contrast, I prefer the view that the social life has more effect on my happiness than the job.  My view can be greatly substantiated by following discussions.

First,no one can deny that friends plays an important role in our life.We always have a heart-to-heart talk with knees together. I will fell very comfortable and happyiness when I stay with my friends who cherish the same ideals and follow the same path. we can talk about any topic.such as the relationship with lover, the pressure from job,even the contradiction with family. Then we can finds comfort with each other. A recent case concerns my pressure from my study in the beginning of this years and I talked this problem to my friends and ask some suggestion. My friends realized that I need a refresh power, So they gave me a surprise-a music and dancing party for me! And they invite more friends and their families to hold this party for me.At that night , I felt very happiness and really got more power from my friends. This feeling is not from the music and dancing on that party,it is from their care and concern on me.  

The second reason for my view that the social life has more effect on my happiness than the job is to be a social worker.I am a volunteer of local Animal Control Center. I really enjoy this social work .  I had been worked there for five years,and I go there every week. I usually do some routine tasks there with other volunteers, like clean the cats's cages and change the foods, scrub the dirty floors in the dog's zone, even sometime I need help the other volunteers bathe these animals. Whenever I see these animals and places become to clean I will feel I did a worthwhile job. Though these tasks are kind of filthy and boring. But I feel very happy because I can devote myself to these activities without any pay.

Finally, I have a job as a secretary of a famous business company. I need spend nine hours on my job everyday. There are lots of meeting I need attend to. And even I need work extra shifts on some special holiday. So It is conceivable that how big pressure I have! Though my boss and colleagues are so nice with me. But I still feel very tired and get big pressure on working the such fast paced team environment.So I can't feel my job has more effect on me happiness than my social life does.

So from what has been discussed, I reinforce my standpoint to choose that my social life has more effect on my happiness than my job does.

T不死

As the modern society develops, there is a debate over whether our job has more effect on our happiness than our social life does. Different people hold different opinions on this topic because of their distinct backgrounds. Some people think that the job has more effect on the happiness than the social life does. In contrast, I prefer the view that the social life has more effect on my happiness than the job.  My view can be greatly substantiated by following discussions. （第一段不错）

First, no one can deny that friends plays（play） an important role in our life. We always have a heart-to-heart talk with knees together. I will fell (feel) very comfortable and happiness when I stay with my friends who cherish the same ideals and follow the same path. We can talk about any topic, such as the relationship with lover, the pressure from job, even the contradiction with family. Then we can finds（find） comfort with each other. A recent case concerns my pressure from my study in the beginning of this years and I talked this problem to my friends and ask some suggestion. My friends realized that I need a refresh power, so they gave me a surprise-a music and dancing party for me(可以删除)! And they invite more friends and their families to hold this party for me(可以删除)!.At that night , I felt very happiness and really got more power from my friends. This feeling is not from(not because of) the music and dancing on that party,it is from(but because of) their care and concern on me.  

The second reason for my view that the social life has more effect on my happiness than the job is to be a social worker(这个部分不是很看懂，是不是可以改为The second reason why balabala is that I can get more joyous when I do social work).I am a volunteer of local Animal Control Center. I really enjoy this social work .  I had been worked there for five years, and I go there every week. I usually do some routine tasks there with other volunteers, like clean the cats's(复数直接加’) cages and change the foods, scrub the dirty floors in the dog's zone, even sometime I need help (from) the other volunteers to bath bathe these animals. Whenever I see these animals and places become to (可以去掉) clean I will feel I did a worthwhile job. Though these tasks are kind of（somewhat） filthy and boring. But(句号改逗号，but去掉) I feel very happy because I can devote myself to these activities without any pay.

Finally, I have a job as a secretary of a famous business company. I need（to）spend nine hours on my job everyday. There are lots of meetings I need （to）attend to(去掉). And even I need （to） work extra shifts on some special holiday. So（句号改逗号） It is conceivable that how big pressure I have! Though my boss and colleagues are so nice with me. But(句号改逗号，but去掉)I still feel very tired and get big pressure on working the such fast paced（pace）team environment.So（句号改逗号）I can't feel my job has more effect on me happiness than my social life does. （本段用了比较多的need. 可以改为 have to.或者 The job entails,或者The work require. 还有so的用法要注意， so 有副词和连词词性，例如副词词性The flower is a beautiful。连词词性的话，一般是把两个独立的句子连接起来，表示因果，这时候so前面应该是,而不是句号。还有though (although) , but的用法是错的，只能保留一个。这里的though,but也是连词，要避免断句）

另外本段的分论点不是很清晰，开头直接用例子不是很好。可以直接来一句It is difficult to achieve happiness in the office work because of the work pressure

So from what has been discussed, I reinforce my standpoint to choose that my social life has more effect on my happiness than my job does

文章的例子题材以及逻辑结果都比较好，以后注意些连词，小词的用法，多练笔就可以了