给自己点动力,写作文！求各路大神犀利指导~\(≧▽≦)/~

winnie98

due to=owing to 就是可以当因为用......

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Have you ever evaluated a person via his/her(这个有性别歧视的) dressing up? A majority of people would unconsciously hold the viewpoint that dressing up can indicate one’s personality. However, is it correct that we estimate a person through his dress? I personally believe that it is unfair that people consider the way a person dressed is a good demonstration of his personality as the following aspects.

To start with, the behaviors are indispensible part of indication which we judge people’s personalities and the behaviors（这个和前面就重复啦） have been exerting profound influence on the way we work, live and learn. Take one of my classmates in university as an example. She often dressed（dresses） so exaggeratedly that nearly all of us could not stand her dressing. At first, we asserted that she should not be a girl who focused on learning and made efforts to pursue her dream. In contrast, we all misunderstood her. Roughly a month later, we found that she always discussed problems she did not understand after courses were over and review（过去式） her lessons in the library at leisure time. At this time, we recognized that she was an actually outstanding student and often assist others in learning. Consequently, owing to this example, it is apparent that we should judge a person with behaviors, rather than the way a person dressed.（这里面的behavior不是很specific 和detail，个人观点）

Furthermore, how a person’s friends are also plays a vital role in the indication of one’ personality. It is universally acknowledged that birds of a feather flock together.（这里不用句号，用which连接一下就好了） It means that the people who have similar personalities and habits would become friends. Thus, we can evaluate someone through the ways that he makes friends and how his friends are. For instance, the excellent students who are willing to make unremitting efforts for their aims are impossible to make friends who have no dreams, on the grounds that they have no common topics to chat with each other and they are different sorts of people.

However, it is really undeniable that the way a person dressed also can indicate the personalities of people to a certain extent, because diversified kinds of people would love diversified styles of clothes. For example,（这个和后面的the都不是很特指就不用） the bright（extoverted） people may prefer to dress colorful and brightly, while the introverted people may prefer the clothes of dark colors rather than bright ones. Although the indication of one’s character can be through the way to dress, it is still biased and not the good way to evaluate a person, because appearance does not represent all the things.

Taking all the above points into consideration, I am convinced（这个是被动语态么，可以用firmly believe额） that the way a person dressed is not a good way to indicate personalities, whereas there are other approaches to judge personalities, such as one’s behaviors and friends.

整体结构都在，就差进一步提炼下了，建议进一步修改下，然后咱们还可以在批改额。感觉这样提高的会好一点。

winnie98

8.20独立：your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

When it comes to the effect of jobs on people’s lives, some people hold the viewpoint that jobs impact their happiness far more than their social lives do. Do you consider this sort of viewpoint is rational? I personally believe that jobs give more influence on the social life rather than happiness as the following aspects.

To start with, a job is indispensible part of our lives and it has been exerting profound influence on the way we communicate with others. Due to work, we need to communicate with many sorts of people, such as our clients, team members and cooperative partners. In this process, it is apparent that knowing so many people would enrich our social lives and improve our communication skills, even though we may encounter something unhappy regarding work. For instance, once my team met some troubles concerning a cooperative project with another enterprise. Although team members felt depressed at once, we got together to discuss the solutions day and night. Through our shared efforts, we communicated well with cooperative partners, overcame the difficulties and achieved the project successfully. After that, we made good friends with cooperative partners. Thus, we may not attain happiness from our jobs, but can know new friends through the communication concerning the jobs.

Furthermore, jobs attended by social life also play a vital role in the common life at leisure time. Take my mother as an example to illustrate this viewpoint. My mother made a host of friends, after she graduated from the university and joined in her jobs. When she had spare time, she often had a afternoon tea with these friends. They were more easily chatted with each other about work and family, on the grounds that they had similar social status and life which means they have more common words than others. Consequently, if they do not had such similar jobs, they would not know each other and have this kind of social life, let alone achieve happiness.

However, it is undeniable that we will feel delight after we do jobs successfully, because achieving success through own efforts can make us learn more about our work and lives. In spite of this, if we did not have social life built by jobs, how could we attain success without social relationship? Thus, social life is the premise of happiness from work.

Taking all the above points into consideration, I am convinced that jobs have far more effect on our social lives than happiness, because we live in human society and should consider social life at first.

sherryzhangh

8.20独立：your job has more effect on your happiness than yoursocial life does.

When it comes to the effectof jobs on people’s lives, some people hold the viewpoint that jobs impacttheir happiness far more than their social lives do. Do you consider this sortof viewpoint is rational? I personally believe that jobs give more influence onthe social life rather than happiness as the following aspects.（这句话好像表达有问题，我觉得你是想说你个人觉得工作相比社交更能带来幸福感。 可是你写的这个句子翻译过来是“我个人觉得工作会对社交产生影响，而不是幸福感，请看如下论述）个人觉得应该改为  Ipersonally believe that jobs give more influence on happiness than social lifedoes, the reasons are as follows.

To start with, a job isindispensible part of our lives and it has been exerting profound influence onthe way we communicate with others. Due to work, we need to communicate withmany (all) sorts of people, such as ourclients, team members and cooperative partners. In this process, it is apparently that knowing so many people would enrich oursocial lives and improve our communication skills, even though we may encountersomething unhappy (unpleasant) regarding work.For instance, once my team met some troubles concerning a cooperative projectwith another enterprise. Although team members felt depressed at once, we gottogether to discuss the solutions day and night. Through our shared efforts, wecommunicated well with cooperative partners, overcame the difficulties andachieved the project successfully. After that, we made good friends withcooperative partners. Thus, we may not attain happiness from our jobs, but canknow new friends through the communication concerning the jobs.

(看到这我才知道你审题审错了， 题目问的是你同意／不同意， 工作相比社交生活更能带来幸福感 ， 你写成了 工作能带来更好的社交生活，不一定带来幸福感)

Furthermore, jobs attendedby social life also play a vital role in the common life at leisure time. Takemy mother as an example to illustrate this viewpoint. My mother made a host offriends, after she graduated from the university and joined in her jobs. Whenshe had spare time, she often had a afternoon tea with these friends.They were more easily chatted with each other about work and family, on thegrounds that they had similar social status and life，（如果不用逗号的话就用“that”）which means they have more common words topics than others. Consequently, if they do not hadsuch similar jobs, they would not know each other and have this kind of sociallife, let alone achieve happiness.

However, it is undeniablethat we will feel delight after we do jobs successfully, because achievingsuccess through own efforts can make us learn more about our work and lives. Inspite of this, if we did not have social life built by jobs, how could weattain success without social relationship? Thus, social life is the premise ofhappiness from work.

Taking all the above points into consideration, Iam convinced that jobs have far more effect on our social lives than happiness,because we live in human society and should consider social life at first.
你的段落结构很清晰， 可是审题一定要审清呀， 要不然给人的感觉还是混乱。

winnie98

555555555555555555555

sherryzhangh

你的其他方面都很好, 长句如果没有把握的话,还是谨慎为妙,要不然意思表达得完全不对.  加油!!!

winnie98

8.21综合：TPO9这回计时写的，时间那个紧啊...

The lecture mainly points out that it is not truth regarding the saying that buzzing has generated a host of controversy and many critics would like to see it banned. However, according to the speaker, his viewpoint is contradictory to the points in the reading passage concerning the drawbacks of buzzing as the following aspects.

Firstly, the speaker argues against the viewpoint in the passage that with buzzing what consumers hear is paid adverting, which may give a person incorrect information about the buzzed product. The speaker claims that the buzzers are not like the advertisers. Actually, they just try to utilize the products, consider the products great and then will be hired by the companies of the products. Thus, they need not pretend consumers and will tell the truth about the products.

Secondly, the speaker states that consumers will ask a majority of questions regarding the products, such as the prices, services and how long the buzzers use the products. If the buzzers cannot well answer the questions, consumers will not purchase the products. Thus, this circumstance is opposite with the point in the passage that consumers listen to the endorsements less critically than buzzers should.

Thirdly, the passage asserts that buzzing is likely to have on social relationships, which is the worst harmful effect. In contrast, the speaker rebuts that if the products is bad and low-quality, it is impossible that the companies will sell this sort of products. Besides, the buzzers just attempt to utilize the products to open the information about the products for the consumers.

winnie98

8.21独立：It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the lost of old friends

After you graduate from universities and have to be confronted with the future options, do you meet the dilemma that whether you should work in the hometown or move to a new city or country？Some people hold the viewpoint that it is not a suitable election to move to a new place, due to the lost of old friends. However, I personally believe that moving to a new place may be a great opportunity for us to develop our career and should not be the reason that renders the lost of old friends, as the following aspects.

To start with, the career option is an indispensible part of our lives and it has been exerting profound influence on the way we work and live. It is possible that we can obtain great opportunities to develop career and then attain self-actualization by hunting suitable jobs. Take my classmates as an example. Actually, he is a country boy. The economy of his hometown develops slowly, which means his hometown cannot offer a good chance for him to hunt a suitable job. Thus, he selected to work in Beijing after graduation, on the grounds that there is a so attractive job for him and he really had passion for it. Currently, he has been a manager of the department and often says to me that if he did not select this job, he might still earn little money and could not have satisfaction regarding the job. According to this example, it is apparent that moving to a new place is not a terrible thing, inversely it may bring us entirely new lives.

Furthermore, social lives virtually play a vital role in our common lives, which have uniform influence on ourselves. Although moving to other places may make us meet old friends infrequently, we still keep connected through many advanced social equipments, such as cell phones, e-mails, social network and so on. We can chat with friends anywhere, provided that we are willing to contact with them. For instance, I have a good friend whose university is not in our hometown and then we have few opportunities to meet with each other until we take long-term holidays. In spite of this, we still keep our friendship. When one of us encounters some troubles, we will share troubles with each other and discuss how to address them on the Internet. Consequently, even though a person moves to a new city or even a new country, it does not mean he/she will lost the old friends.

However, it is undeniable that the long distance may have negative effect on the friendship, because they cannot assist each other directly when they are in troubles. Besides, they may have little time to connect with others, owing to the high pressure of jobs. In contrast, whether friendship can be kept well reply on what they think in their mind, rather than where they live. Thus, moving to other places is not the real reason concerning the lost of old friends.

Taking all the above points into consideration, I am convinced that moving to a new city or even a new country is not the real reason which leads to the lost of old friends. In addition, moving may offer a new life for a person, because of the new career opportunities.

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

After you graduate from universities and have to be confronted with the future options, do you meet the dilemma that whether you should work in the hometown or move to a new city or country？Some people hold the viewpoint that it is not a suitable election（selection？） to move to a new place, due to the lost of old friends. However, I personally believe that moving to a new place may be a great opportunity for us to develop our career and should not be the reason that renders the lost of old friends, as the following aspects.

To start with, the career option is an indispensible part of our lives and it has been（is） exerting profound influence on the way we work and live. It is possible that we can obtain great opportunities to develop career and then attain self-actualization by hunting suitable jobs. Take my classmates as an example. Actually, he is a country boy. The economy of his hometown develops slowly, which means his hometown cannot offer a good chance for him to hunt a suitable job. Thus, he selected to work in Beijing after graduation, on the grounds that there is a so attractive job for him and he really had passion for it. Currently, he has been a manager of the department and often says to me that if he did not select this job, he might still earn little money and could not have satisfaction regarding the job. According to this example, it is apparent that moving to a new place is not a terrible thing, inversely it may bring us entirely new lives.

Furthermore, social lives virtually play a vital role in our common lives（这里可不可以换为daily work or study）, which have uniform influence on ourselves. (这句我觉得可以不要，直接下句就好做开头)Although moving to other places may make us meet old friends infrequently, we still keep connected through many advanced social equipments, such as cell phones, e-mails, social network and so on. We can chat with friends anywhere, provided that we are willing to contact with them. For instance, I have a good friend whose university is not in our hometown and then we have few opportunities to meet with each other until we take long-term holidays. In spite of this, we still keep our friendship. When one of us encounters some troubles, we will share troubles with each other and discuss how to address them on the Internet. Consequently, even though a person moves to a new city or even a new country, it does not mean he/she will lost the old friends.

However, it is undeniable that the long distance may have negative effect on the friendship, because they（they 换为friends，前面没有friends怎用代词额？） cannot assist each other directly when they are in troubles. Besides, they may have little time to connect with others, owing to the high pressure of jobs. In contrast,（这里和前面并不是很强烈的对比，in contrast，是不是太强烈的对比了） whether friendship can be kept well reply（rely） on what they think in their mind, rather than where they live. Thus, moving to other places is not the real reason concerning the lost of old friends.

Taking all the above points into consideration, I am convinced that moving to a new city or even a new country is not the real reason which leads to the lost of old friends. In addition, moving may offer a new life for a person, because of the new career opportunities.



小处注意，然后把句子提炼下就好啦

lemonyhu

winnie！！我今天下午有点事儿，回来可能要晚上了，我一定回来就给你改~~所以不好意思让你稍等一下啊~~~怕你着急~~~~~