写作第二小分队 srafcatt 的作文

瓜瓜不瓜

7.1 综合阅读 tpo16

红色为错误 蓝色为建议 绿色为内容上的不足 紫色为总评
The reading passage explores the issue of archaeological artifacts （of后面怎么接了一个完整句？ 改——此处插入：, which）now face with a series of problems. The professor’s lecture deals with the same issue.(这句写在这里感觉没有什么太多的意义，反而显得模板化，建议去掉） However, she（若上一句去掉的话，就把she改成professor） thinks that things sounds（单复数错误，sound） not that bad, which contradicts what the reading states. And in the lecture, she uses three specific points to support her idea.

First, even though the reading passage suggests that the artifacts will be lost（时态错误，看文章就知道讨论的是过去） due to the construction program（+s）, the professor argues in the lecture that there are a（单复数错误） guide line which says that sites can（规定，一般用should） be examined first by archaeologists to see if it is valuable.,（两个标点符号出现，低级错误额）which means if the sites is interested in specialists, （改成句号）Obviously, the professor’s argument disproves its counterpart in the reading.

Moreover, despite the statement in the reading that archaeologists' research financial fund is inadequate, the professor contends that this origins of the fund can be useful. Then she supports this point with the fact that the money comes from both the government and the games. In other words,the contribution will be held.（这一段要点听错了。。资金不再是政府提供而是建筑公司提供，这段srafcatt重新听一遍再写吧，瓜瓜不知道要怎么改了。。）

Finally, the professor asserts that the work will be paid and a significance whereas the author of the reading claims that it is difficult to have a career in archaeology. The professor proves that the work will （依然是时态问题）be paid and this claim is indefensible by pointing out that （that后面呢？忘记写了么？这段写的太简短了，只表达了论点，没有展现论据）

In conclusion, the professor clearly identifies the weaknesses in the reading passage and convincingly shows that the central argument in the reading is incorrect.


srafcatt，不知道怎么称呼好呢？第一次过招，瓜瓜批得有点严厉，莫见怪哈

文章的小错误有点多，其实都是自己检查可以发现的，以后写完最好自己检查一遍哦，真正考试的时候一般也有时间给你扫一遍检查的。
综合其实就是一八股文，你用的模板还是和我的是同一个哈，这个没有关系，只要用的好，不要太有模版感觉就行。
还有就是听力方面要加强哦，第二段再去听一遍吧，还有第三段最好也补充一下。
嗯，一起加油哦！

对啦，对我的迟到表示对不起！！！！

DanielleZ

In my opinion, parents should encourage children to do school workindependently because of the following three aspects:（第一段这样写太过于单薄了）

Primarily, it is meaningfulto cultivate a child's spirit of independence. Because the sense to do thingsindependently will not only build a healthy personality, but also help childrento adapt to the society and run on their own careers with more ease. Manyfamous figures such as tend to do things by themselves, especially MichaelJackson. I've heard that most of Michael's songs and the melodies accompanywith the songs are wrote in person（可以表达为自己写的意思么？）. Moreover, during everyshows' rehearsal Michael always participated in the designing of thebackgrounds, the lights movement, the choreographs, etc（个人建议用and so on之类的代替，最好不要用etc）. And by doing this, he even create a new style of dance. So, it's notsurprised why he was called "THE KING OF THE POP".（我觉得Jackson的例子比较新颖，但是有点感觉不是那么紧密，感觉实在说independent对career的好处，但是跟题目离得比较远。我认为可以加上”Jackson said that his parents always encourage him tofinish his own schoolwork since he was only six”之类这种，更好一些）

Secondly, parents shouldencourage their children to do homework independently doesn't mean theyshouldn't help. In some cases, problems make children confused but without a teachernearby to ask. In this situation, some hints or tips from parents will make things easier to get throughand help children to build up confidence to think further .For example,my little brother's English is poor, and that makes him hate English and don'twant to study anything about it. Fortunately, his mother was an English teacherand she teach him how to review the tests and how to find the answers of theschool works from the test book. Finally, my little brother find his self-esteem andbecomes interested with（in） English.

Although help in some cases helps a lot（help重复的太多了，可以改成类似的句子assistances are of great importance in some cases）, too much help will makes the school worksuseless. The school works are a way(单复数形式不搭配) to go over the knowledge having（had） been taught, it is(这的单复数也与school works不同) a practice to sharp the children's studying skills. Whereas, many parentstend to be biased by their love of their children, which would sometimes make them(指代是parents 还是children 有点不明确) neglect the importance ofpracticing. There are sayings says(that) Genuine knowledge always comes from practice. If parentsreplace children to finish the tasks, then the children themselves will losethe chances to perfect their studying skills.

Broadly speaking, Parentsshould try their best to let children face the difficult things from the schoolworks by themselves. Because every parents they want(个人觉得wish好一些) their children having sharp studyingskills and being more independent.

Dear Srafcatt,不好意思，晚啦~
文章的开头过于单薄了，肯定还需要多说一些。
另外，理由1和3是咱正，2则说了一个特殊情况。但是2写在中间的位置的话，感觉文章的思维比较混乱。所以我觉得以后写的时候，可以先把理由写个位置，这样逻辑会更清楚一些。
涂黄是我觉得非常好的句子，另外有几个小错误也在文章中标出来啦~
还有，我的作文晚到啦，不好意思要麻烦帮我修改我的作文啦~链接如下~http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-727156-4-1.html