【写作小分队】小雪的作文贴~

stefaniewyh

还有8天考试，希望大家多拍砖吧。

TPO16 综合写作：

The author of the passage complains about the difficult situation of the development of archaeology in Britain. However, the lecturer states that in 1990, a new policy has been enacted to improve the condition of the archaeologist and the archeology working.


First, the conflict between the construction projects with the excavation and preservation of archaeologically valuable sites described in the passage is no longer exist, according to the speech. The new guidelines specify the process of the construction. That is, before the construction, the site must be tested by archaeologist to find whether there are artifacts with interest and value. Once ascertain the existence, the experts will devise a series of action for preservation. Only when the preservation is accomplished, can the construction be undertaken. This prescript prevents the case mentioned in the passage happening.


Second, the investment will not be offered by the government as the passage cites. According to the guideline stated in the lecture, the construction company has to take the responsibility to give financial support for the preservation. Therefore, the process will be carried on constantly.


Third, the lake of archaeology jobs mentioned in the passage will be solved by the guideline. The lecturer indicates that every state government provides the position for the archaeologist to find and preserve the value archaeological site in the states. Since more job opportunities are available, people who want to have a career in this region will find a beneficial jobs

stefaniewyh

因为是2战，16和17的都写过了，所以再发一篇今天的练习，希望好心的有空的战友帮忙批改一下。


TPO12 综合


The author of the reading passage claims that the painting of teenage Jane Austen is exactly depicting Jane's appearance. However, the professor in the lecture is opposite to every bit of reasons provided by the author.


To begin with, the author cites the possible origin of this portrait that an edition of Jane's letters got the permission to use a portrait from Austen's family, which has been accepted by the Austen family. However, the lecturer points out that, until the year this edition published, Jane has been dead for 70 years. Her families who gave the permission probably have never seen her. They absolutely had no idea what did Jane Austen look like.


In addition, the lecturer rebukes the statement of the author that the similarity of the appearance in the portrait and in Cassandra's sketch can prove the authority of this portrait. The lecturer illuminates the fact that relatives of Jane Austen shared resemblances. It is not convincing to make the conclusion only by the looking.


In the last, the lecturer challenges the argument of the author for the recklessness verifying the portrait only by painting style. To disapprove the evidence mentioned in the passage, the lecturer cites another proof of a stamp on the back of the picture. This stamp indicates the sale time of the canvass, which is also not the time when Jane Austen was a teenager. This proves that the assertion of the author is fault.

stefaniewyh

100828NA独立作文
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Since people care public recognition more than money, they will work harder to obtain public recognition even though there is no more money given.

People living in the society are always suffering a lot. On one hand, they have to make a living. On the other hand, they want more reputation. These two requirements usually cannot be obtained concurrently. In that plight, many people do not know how to choose and make the wrong decision, losing both of them. As for me, this is not a "right or wrong" issue. It depends on what the situation you are in.


It is undeniable that many people put money on the top, just as no one can rebuke a beggar for begging without dignity, because the sustenance is the essential problem of humans. It is reasonable to consider the money first when we find jobs and work harder for the job. For example, one of my classmates is an excellent student in our major. We were working together this year preparing for studying abroad and she really gets more potential than me. However, her family is in a bad financial condition, so that it will make it worse if she put the tuition fee on the load. At last, she found a job with a considerable salary and gave up the dream of studying abroad. Retrospecting this story, if she had applied to a famous university in the USA or the UK, she would be a graduate of a world known university after two years. But in fact, I think she did a right thing to her family and after she has earned enough money, she can fulfill his dream of further study, too.


However, the social status is also a critical factor for social members. It determines your social interpersonal relationship, estimation from others and the pride of yourself. These may be more important for those people who are not worried about the money. For example, a person born in an affluent family will not think too much about the payment. The motivation for the work probably comes from pursuing public recognition. On the contrary, if a person born in a poor family also goes in for reputations, he must be worried about the food forever.


In brief, I cannot make the conclusion which factor is more important for the work. But we can have a consensus that money is a necessary for living, when the materials is been satisfied, the spiritual needs will dominate.

stefaniewyh

4月21日 独立作文

110319NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.


The impact that movies and television shows make on the way people behave can never be over-emphasized. Media has become the major method for people to acquire information, as well as the young people. There is much conjecture over whether plots in the movies and TV plays are leading the young in a positive way or a negative way. Both sides have plenty of cases to argue against the other. In my view, it does not require great intelligence to ascertain the existence of both and we know how to take advantage of this double-edged sword.


Nowadays, young people do not study only through the word written in books any more. The advanced technology, such as photography, motion picture, sound recording, can record the reality in a realer way. Even some places from the deep ocean to outer space where common people had never dreamed about are shown on the screen. The amount of the knowledge is rapidly increasing, so as the regions. Young people are easier to find what they are interested in by watching variety of natural programs, documentaries, or educational programs. Take myself for example; I decided to study architecture after I saw the movie Inception. Building cities in the dream is so fantasy that I want to build what I want in the reality, to be an architect.


However, it is undeniable that the negative effects of movies and television mislead many young people's behavior. Many cartoons and soap TV plays are useless to watch. Children will become numb if they watching TV for a long time without thinking. It is not just a waste of time; it impedes the mental development. Moreover, the violent image in movies, soap operas, as well as cartoons and some adult programs always introduce children to subject matters which are not appropriate for their innocent minds, causing early-maturing or antisociality. For example, a kid who always watches violent televisions is prone to be desensitized for this and becomes a violent adult in the future. Since we know the cause and effect, parents should avoid their children seeing these kinds of movies and televisions, and behave themselves.


In brief, the argument over whether movies and television is bad for young people should be
definitely swayed by what children are viewing. Under the responsibility of parents, children should be benefit a lot from the good movies and programs, and avoid from negative effects.

晨依Jacqueline

晨依给小雪修改下100828的独立，先占个座。
100828NA独立作文

(红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑or建议，绿色为小结，高亮为精彩。)

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Since people care public recognition more than money, they will work harder to obtain public recognition even though there is no more money given.



People living in the society are always suffering a lot. On one hand, they have to make a living. On the other hand, they want more reputation. These two requirements usually cannot be obtained concurrently. In that plight, many people do not know how to choose and make the wrong decision, losing both of them. As for me, this is not a "right or wrong" issue. It depends on what the situation you are in.(个人感觉第一段点题不是特别成功，貌似没有表达出来自己的意思。短句太多了，注意下长短句的结合。开头相对于下面的内容略显繁琐了，而且和题目的意思还是有点差距的。)



It is undeniable that many people put money on the top(我觉得写得很口语化，可以写成on the top of ...让你的表达更加完整，读者也更好理解。), just as no one can rebuke a beggar for begging without dignity, because the sustenance is the(an) essential problem of humans.(It is undeniable...just as...because...有点句式杂糅的感觉，意思完全是跟着汉语的思维在走。)It is reasonable to consider the money first(可以这样说吗、) when we find jobs(还可以说look for jobs/apply a job) and work harder for the job. For example, one of my classmates is(was) an excellent student in our major. We were working together this year preparing for studying abroad and she really gets(got) more potential than me.However, her family is in a bad financial condition, so that it will make it worse if she put the tuition fee on the load(?). At last, she found a job with a considerable(decent) salary and gave up the dream of studying abroad. (我的修改，仅供参考。Take my friend's case as an example, she is talent in academic performance and gets well-prepared for studying abroad in the future. Unfortunately, involved of a financial difficulty, she had to chose a job with decent salary instead of pursuing her dream.)Retrospecting this story, if she had applied to a famous university in the USA or the UK, she would be a graduate of a world known university after two years. But in fact, I think she did a right thing to her family and after she has earned enough money, she can(could) fulfill his(her) dream of further study, too.(举例有点啰嗦，篇幅过大，可以把不是很关键的细节去掉。观点写得不是特别明确，例子好像和主题不是特别相关、感觉public recognition方面没有说出来，有点牵强了。表达感觉有点简单了，比如：I think, find job,did a right thing, etc...可以试着用下倒装啊强调啊这些句式，一方面增加句子复杂性，另一方面简化例子的篇幅。注意下时态要统一起来啊！最后就是还是能总结一下回归到你的detail是如何证明point的。)



However, the social status is also a critical factor for social members(members of society). It determines your(中文中经常这么说“你”怎么样怎么样，但是在托福作文里面your的出现显得很奇怪！还是尽量用people啊one's等等) social interpersonal relationship, estimation from others(public recognition) and the pride of yourself.(self-esteem)These(指代的不清楚) may be more important for those people who are not worried about the(有的时候不需要特指加the)money. For example,(for instance/或者因为你下面写的是一个比较可以说To draw a comparison) a person born in an affluent family will not think too much about the payment. The motivation for the work probably comes from pursuing public recognition. On the contrary, if a person born in a poor family also goes in for reputations, he must be worried about the food forever. (举的例子不是很充分，表达建议多用一些同意替换词，尤其是在对比的时候，换一些高级的表达会更好！比如：be worried about--feel anxious--be overconcerned with句子之间的连贯性有待加强，可以尝试着多加一些关联词，多练习写一些长句。这段写的有点少，感觉势力明显不如上一段，对理解你的中立观点我觉得也会有影响。)



In brief, I cannot make the conclusion which factor is more important for the work(?). [But we can have a consensus that money is a necessary for living, when the materials is been satisfied, the spiritual needs will dominate.](说一下[...]里面的句子：作为文章结尾，没有点出reputation和money的关系；虽然是中立的观点，但是也要强调一下你的point来给文章做一个小的总结，比如可以分析一下“好”和“坏”势均力敌所以无法明确断定题目中的statement，这样感觉结构会好一些。感觉句子写的过于简单了，这个句子看起来比较长了但是实际上是两个句子；虽然有用得比较不错的词汇，但是整体的思路和句意表达有些Chinglish的说，注意一下句子结构。)



[Conclusion]

说说文章整体，最大的感觉是观点不是太明确，希望小雪能够加强提炼point的能力，比如通过句子的同义转述等方式突出一下你的mainpoint。其次是表达和句子还需要提高一下，词汇方面我觉得还OK啦，但是句型的变化和复杂度做的还不够，感觉写的单调了一点点。两个论点的关系也没有点出来，文章结构还需要注意。

stefaniewyh

今天的练习：TPO11 综合写作
According to the passage, the author denounces the culture of reading literature is dying and the benefit the literature brings to us is disappearing. However, in the lecture, the professor challenges every bit of statements of the author.


To begin with, the author blames the decline of literature reading on the readers, and exclusively claims that only literature can stimulate the imagination of the reader. This insane assertion is retorted by the professor by pointing the fact that many other kinds of publish now are in high quality and can provides the intellectual stimulation, such as scientific articles, political comments and some kinds of novels. In the view of the professor, readers can get the same reward by reading other books.


In addition, the author also appeals the disappearance of literature to the more time spending on listening to the music, watching television and reading on website. However, the professor contradicts this citation strongly because she thinks these kinds of art are equal to literature on expressing ideas. The culture has changed to more diverse than before.


At last, the professor admits the fact that the investigation for the literature author declines, but the situation of underappreciated writers described in the passage is not true. Contemporary writers are prone to be difficult to understand. This is completely adverse with the claim in the passage that this is a period full of good literature authors.

stefaniewyh

今天的小组作业：TPO17综合作文
The author of the passage claims that the growth of human population and the consequential growing in agriculture and pesticide should take the responsibility for the decline of birds. However, the professor denounces in the lecture that the explanation in the passage is unreasonable.


Firstly, the lecture admits that some kinds of natural habitats have been destroyed to make the use of housing, but the there are lots of better and larger habitats have been constructed for the other kinds of birds. Therefore, some kinds of birds live in the new habitats safely and reproduce successfully.


Secondly, the author blames the increasing farm land for occupying habitats of birds. On the contrary, the professor points out that thanks to the development of biological science, the more productive crops have been cultured, so that there will be less area for farming. Moreover, the truth is that the farm land is decreasing year by year in the recent years. This proves that the assertion of the author is fault.


Thirdly, the lecturer challenges the author's claim that the pesticide kills the birds directly and indirectly. According to the lecture, now there are two methods to solve the author's concern. The first one is that new pesticide which is less harmful to the birds has been developed. The second one is the development of a new type of crop that can resist pests and do not harm birds. The use of this type of crops could dramatically reduce the use of chemical pesticides.

Crystaljoy

The author of the passage complains about the difficult situation of the development of archaeology in Britain. However, the lecturer states that in 1990, a new policy has(had
前面有过去的时间标志) been enacted to improve the condition of the archaeologist and the archeology working.


First, the conflict between the construction projects with（and） the excavation and preservation of archaeologically valuable sites described in the passage is(删除) no longer exist（exists）, according to the speech. The new guidelines specify the process of the construction. That is, before the construction, the site must be tested by archaeologist to find whether there are artifacts with interest and value. Once ascertain the existence, the experts will devise a series of action for preservation. Only when the preservation is accomplished, can the construction be undertaken. This prescript prevents the case mentioned in the passage（from） happening. (我觉得case最好展开点一下)


Second, the investment will not be offered by the government as the passage cites. According to the guideline stated in the lecture, the construction company has to take the responsibility to give financial support for the preservation. Therefore, the process will be carried on constantly. （which challenges the idea in the reading passage that。。。再跟文章联系一下）


Third, the lake(lack) of archaeology jobs mentioned in the passage will be solved by the guideline. The lecturer indicates that every state government provides the position (handsome salary我听得是工资高导致人数多呀~~~)for the archaeologist to find and preserve the value archaeological site in the states. Since more job opportunities are available, people who want to have a career in this region will find a beneficial jobs (job)


听的很细致啊~。

美中不足是

1 第一个观点感觉罗列了太多细节。

建议用因果，并列连词串联起来，两三句概括。

2. In the passage 放的位置有点乱。

再研究下范文，积累一些地道的句式吧。

3. 加个总结更好。逻辑结构完整。

Crystaljoy

竟然是两篇综合哇。

Crystaljoy

TPO12 综合

这篇综合我没做过，所以看的不太明白。你看看改动的语法吧。

The author of the reading passage claims that the painting of teenage Jane Austen is exactly depicting （可以进行时？一般时态描述就好了吧）Jane's appearance. However, the （view held by the 比较对象不对等）professor in the lecture is opposite to every bit of reasons provided by the author.


To begin with, the author cites the possible origin of this portrait that an edition of Jane's letters got the permission to use a portrait from Austen's family, （edition got the permission? 不合逻辑）which has been accepted by the Austen family. However, the lecturer points out that, until the year this edition (was) published, Jane has(had) been dead for 70 years. Her families who gave the permission probably have(had) never seen her.They absolutely had no idea what did Jane Austen look like.

In addition, the lecturer rebukes (程度太重了吧？refutes) the statement of the author that the similarity of the appearance in the portrait and in Cassandra's sketch can prove the authority of this portrait. The lecturer illuminates the fact that（棒！）relatives of Jane Austen shared resemblances.It is not convincing to make the conclusion only by the looking（outlook）.（前面说的跟这句表意相反吧）


In the last, the lecturer challenges the argument of the author for the recklessness verifying the portrait only by painting style.(lecture challenges the argument for recklessness不太明白，结构是否有问题) To disapprove （In disagreement with状态）the evidence mentioned in the passage, the lecturer cites another proof of a stamp on the back of the picture（cites a stamp on the back of the picture as another proof.）. This stamp indicates the sale time of the canvass, which is also not the time when Jane Austen was a teenager. This proves that the assertion of the author is fault（这个词太主观，不建议用，因为没有正确之分，只是角度不同far from convincing）.