TWE113,请帮我看看

gladys_gl

请帮我再指导一番，多谢。

113 Some people think that your community would be a good place to locate the university. Compare　the advantages and disadvantages of establishing a new university in your community. Use specific details in your discussion.

Some people prefer to build a new university in our community because they think it will benefit us, however, others support contrary idea. They hold diverse opinions to this problem due to their respective angles and emotional concerns. In my point of view, I prefer to build the university here. My preference will be substantiated in the following discussion.

  The essential factor that deserves our consideration is that it will be more convenient for the children of the neighbors to be educated. As we all know, a lot of student have to travel hundreds of miles to study in other cities, and they pay more money for the traffic fare and take more time on the way. IF the university is built in our community, the children nearby will enroll here. With the saved money, students can buy more useful books, and also they can visit their parents on the weekend if they want. Meanwhile their parents can help the child to solve some problems without delay. Don’t you think it is very convenient for the habitants?

  Next point with the equal significance is that the new university will provide more job vacancies for the local people. The new university will need more hands to clean windows, cut lawns and even be a teacher in it. Otherwise, some people have to shuttle up and down to work in other towns, which means they have to get up earlier and come back home later. The added work positions will increase the neighbors’ income and avoid some expenses.

  Another reason in support of my inclination is that the university will bring along other industries and services to the community. Obviously, new stores, hospitals and cinema will be set up and benefit not only the students and faculties, but also the people surrounding. In addition, the industries can pay more tax for our community, by which we can improve the transportation and upgrade other facilities such as health, environment and education. The development will make our community be a more favorable place to live.

  Admittedly, the new university will bring some negative influences to some extent. For example, the increased population will make more noise and disturb the former peaceful life. However, when the advantages and the disadvantages are compared carefully, the values we gain greatly outweigh the demerits of the university. So the conclusion is self-evident.

  All the factors mentioned above weave into an organic whole and thus become more convincible. The merits of the new university will definitely contribute to the further favorable development and also lead to my original propensity.

soaring

以下是引用gladys_gl在2004-9-12 14:32:00的发言：

请帮我再指导一番，多谢。

113 Some people think that your community would be a good place to locate the university. Compare　the advantages and disadvantages of establishing a new university in your community. Use specific details in your discussion.

Some people prefer to build a new university in our community because they think it will benefit us, however, others support (->hold the) contrary idea. They hold(前面改了一个hold，那这里用have好了） diverse opinions to this problem due to their respective angles and emotional concerns. In my point of view, I prefer to build the university here. My preference will be substantiated in the following discussion.

  The essential factor that deserves our consideration is that it（最好说明这个计划） will be more convenient for the children of the neighbors to be educated. As we all know（As it is known to all) , a lot of student have to travel hundreds of miles to study in other cities, and they pay more money for the traffic fare and take more time on the way. IF the university is built in our community, the children nearby will enroll here. With the saved money, students can buy more useful books, and also they can visit their parents on the weekend if they want. Meanwhile their parents can help the child to solve some problems without delay. Don’t you think it is very convenient for the habitants?

  Next point with the equal significance is that the new university will provide more job vacancies for the local people. The new university will need more hands to clean windows, cut lawns and (more teachers)  even be a teacher in it. Otherwise(Moreover), some people have to shuttle up and down to work in other towns, which means they have to get up earlier and come back home later. The added work positions will increase the neighbors’ income and avoid some expenses.(对于some people have to shuttle up and down to work in other towns, which means they have to get up earlier and come back home later. 如何改善？没提及：）)

  Another reason in support of my inclination is that the university will bring along other industries and services to the community. Obviously, new stores, hospitals and cinema will be set up and benefit not only the students and faculties, but also the people surrounding. In addition, the industries can pay more tax for our community, by which we can improve the transportation and upgrade other facilities such as health, environment and education. The development will make our community be a more favorable place to live.(notice：make sth. sth.)

  Admittedly, the new university will bring some negative influences to some extent. For example, the increased population will make more noises and disturb the former peaceful life. However, when the advantages and the disadvantages are compared carefully, the values we gain greatly outweigh the demerits of the university. So the conclusion is self-evident.

  All the factors mentioned above weave into an organic whole and thus become more convincible. The merits of the new university will definitely contribute to the further favorable development and also lead to my original propensity.

heyhey,第一次写吧？多练练再，后期尽量不要用模板哦，开始可以用这个找下感觉滴

祝好运噢

gladys_gl

多谢ｍｍ，我还得好好练练。

soaring

gladys_gl

修改的地方挺多的，帮我再批批，多谢。

Some people prefer to build a new university in our community because they think it will benefit us, however, others hold contrary idea. They have diverse opinions to this problem due to their respective angles and emotional concerns. In my point of view, I prefer to build the university here. My preference will be substantiated in the following discussion.

  The essential factor that deserves our consideration is that the new university in our community will be more convenient for the children of the neighbors to be educated. At the present time, a lot of students have to study in other cities which are hundreds of miles away. That means they should pay more money for the traffic fare and take more time on the way in weekends or festivals when they trip round. If the university is built in our community, the children nearby will enroll here without the traffic expense and boring time on board. With the saved money, students can buy more useful books or other implements for study, and also they can visit their parents on weekends if they want. Meanwhile their parents can help the child to solve some problems without any delay. Don’t you think it is very convenient for children who need the higher education in our community and vicinities?

  Next point with the equal significance is that the new university will provide more job vacancies for the local people, whenever it is constructed or operated. When the university is built, the professional workers nearby, such as carpenters and engineers, will be very glad to provide their labours for it. After finished, the newly operating university will demand other specialists such as gardeners, librarians and teachers. When facing with so many work chances, no one habitant will choose to work far away by shuttling up and down.

Another reason in support of my inclination is that the university will bring along other industries and services to the community. Obviously, new stores, hospitals and cinemas will be set up and benefit not only the students and faculties, but also the people surrounding. In addition, the community will collect more tax from those industries, with which we can improve the traffic and upgrade other facilities such as health, environment and education. All the developments will make our community a more pleasurable place to live.

  Admittedly, the new university will bring some negative influences to some extent. For example, the increased population will make more noises and disturb the former peaceful life. However, when the advantages and the disadvantages are compared carefully, the values we gain greatly outweigh the demerits of the university.

  All the factors mentioned above weave into an organic whole and thus become more convincible. The merits of the new university will definitely contribute to the further favorable development and also lead to my original propensity。

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-9-14 12:28:28编辑过]

soaring

以下是引用gladys_gl在2004-9-14 12:28:00的发言：

修改的地方挺多的，帮我再批批，多谢。

Some people prefer to build a new university in our community because they think it will benefit us, however, others hold contrary idea. They have diverse opinions to this problem due to their respective angles and emotional concerns. In my point of view, I prefer to build the university here. My preference will be substantiated in the following discussion.

  The essential factor （good) that deserves our consideration is that the new university in our community will be more convenient for the children of the neighbors to be educated. At the present time, a lot of students have to study in other cities which are hundreds of miles away. That means they should pay more money for the traffic fare and take more time on the way in weekends or festivals when they trip round. If the university is built in our community, the children nearby will enroll here without the traffic expense and boring time on board. (good sentence) With the saved money, students can buy more useful books or other implements for study, and also they can visit their parents on weekends if they want. Meanwhile ( 好的连接词哦）their parents can help the child to solve some problems without any delay. Don’t you think it is very convenient for children who need the higher education in our community and vicinities?（问句形式，比较好的）

  Next point with the equal significance （good) is that the new university will provide more job vacancies for the local people, whenever it is constructed or operated. When the university is built, the professional workers nearby, such as carpenters and engineers, will be very glad to provide their labours for it. After finished, the newly operating university will demand other specialists such as gardeners, librarians and teachers. When facing with so many work chances, no one habitant will choose to work far away by shuttling up and down. (Facing with so many work chances, some habitants would rather choose to work nearby.个人觉得原句说得有些绝对，呵呵，would 是高分词汇哦）

Another reason in support of my inclination is that the university will bring along other industries and services to the community. Obviously（好词）, new stores, hospitals and cinemas will be set up and benefit not only the students and faculties, but also （高分词汇，呵呵）the people surrounding. In addition, the community will collect more tax from those industries, with which we can improve the traffic and upgrade other facilities such as health, environment and education. All the developments will make our community a more pleasurable place to live.

  Admittedly, the new university will bring some negative influences to some extent. For example, the increased population will make more noises and disturb the former peaceful life. However, when the advantages and the disadvantages are compared carefully, the values we gain greatly outweigh the demerits of the university.

  All the factors mentioned above weave into an organic whole and thus become more convincible. The merits of the new university will definitely contribute to the further favorable development and also lead to my original propensity。

MM不错哦，呵呵，有点想要提醒的：will & would, can & could,能用后者就用后者哦，婉转一点嘛。would, could是ETS认为的高分词汇哦（至少机考是这个样子的），笔势也差不多吧，呵呵，祝进步哦！

gladys_gl

多谢MM悉心指教，但我今天是没有时间改这片文章了，要不天就亮了。