小鸟第一篇 新编序ISSUE 68 求狠拍。。谢谢您们。。。

yzy0704

No one could be against to the importance of the education. But with the development of our society nowadays , there comes more and more suspection towards the formal education . Some people believe that the purpose of education is to free one’s mind , making one more creative. But others disagree , arguing that it is the formal education that limit our mind , becoming a blockage during our way to step forward.

I have to say that both of the points are meaningful. However , as far as I am concerned, I would be fund of the first point that education can surely fly our mind , helping us to be more creative and smart.

As a famous saying , teachers take you to the class , while the further progress is just up to you. There are three well-known educators in the ancient Europe, Socrates, his student Platon, and Platon’s student Aristotle. One day , professor Socrates ordered each of his students to keep doing a thing everyday-waving their hands for 200 times after waking up every morning. Then several months later, he asks, “Who keeping doing this small thing from beginning to today?” Only one put up his hand. You should have known that his is Platon. From such a small thing , Socrates tought Platon that only by never giving up can one get the shore of success. And it is surely had a profound influence in Platon’s mind. From then on , Platon learned from his teacher, integrated Socrates theory, and became more and more creative. The same thing is reflect on Aristotle, and he completed Platon’s thoughts . The three giants became three column of the ancient Greek literature and art. From this example , it is not difficult to find the evidence that formal education could make one more thoughtful and creative , but not limit one’s mind.

In a normal formal education system, teachers usually tell you the basic skills to solve the problems, the right altitude to face the problems and the appropriate field for you to do your research. But the key to the solution to a problem must be looked for by yourself ,and you will be more skillful and wide-minded during the searching time. If you argue that a teacher may straightly tell you the solution , limiting your own spirit , I have to say that it is not the real so-called formal education , but a harmful teaching way!

Maybe you will maintain your previous idea , all right , it all depends on you. And I will hold my point forever, that it is the formal education that makes you more thoughtful , more skillful, and more creative.

一开始写的挺慢的。。希望老鸟们帮我看看。。谢谢！

yzy0704

大约字数是460。。。

yzy0704

自己顶上去。。5555555

竹林中人

making one more creative？making应该是to make吧
becoming a blockage？这句话是作为什么成分呢？
感觉这不是一篇很好的Issue，主要是你的中间内容太过简单单一，作为论证，像高中语文作文那样连续堆叠三个例子肯定是不行的，Issue里面的例子只是辅助性的作用，我们要通过分析例子建立于你自己的立场观点之间的桥梁，而不应喧宾夺主了。
建议：多看看OG上的几篇范文和给分标准，看看北美GRE范文，重点是怎么切入，怎么展开论证，怎么组织结构，怎么样成为一个严密的整体，而不显得很随意。
至少我认为：第一段要有你对题目的理解分析或者相关背景，加上自己的立场，并有提纲挈领的语句。中间段落从不同角度给予论证。

yzy0704

哦，谢谢你~~我回去改一改。。第一次就写成这样了。。。