【写作小分队】music作文贴，714 ～～～

boboo

Theprofessor casts doubts on the reading material's statement that population of the sea otters decreases(decrease) mainly for pollution problems, he conceives that predationshould be the authentic explanation for the phenomenon.

Firstly，the passage says that thediscovery of chemical pollution in the living environment can prove theincreasing deaths of the sea otters. However, the lecture points out that the explanation in the reading materialis not grounded because people can not find the dead bodyies(bodies) of sea otters along the coast, andpredation can perfectly solve thiscontradiction（稍微再细说一点会比较好）!(.)                        
                                       
Secondly, the author claims that the declining ofthe similar sea mammals supports the
fact that environmental pollution is the maincause of the decreasing of the SO(the SO是什么。。。sea otters的缩写么？最好不要缩写), because only common predatorssuch as orcas, which however feed up on（feed up on的用法好奇怪，直接eat吧） much larger prey, are able to make all this happen!(感叹句再用感叹号吧，这里要用逗号)but the lecturer holds an opposing view that larger prey such as whales might be predated by humans, andthen orcas have to eat smaller sea mammals, which are sure todecrease very quickly.                    

                                   
Thefinal point on which the author and the lecturer disagree with each otheris that whether the uneven pattern of Sea otter decline is caused by pollutants！（.）the reading says that ocean currents or other environmental factors coincide(个人觉得attribute to更好点) the pollutionhypothesis. But the lecture completely contradicts this claims（claim）by stating that uneven pattern of the otter accounts for（这个因果好像反了） the orcas predating fact. Thedensity of sea otters is low because orcas are not able to access to the shallow areas.

功底很好，点很全，自愧不如。
但是要注意格式，写完后再检查下。只有感叹句再用感叹号吧~

jiaosisisisi

2月28日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to choose friends that could have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you are in need !


Do you always feel helpless and even do not know from whom you can get help .If so, you might seriously consider that you are actually in bad need of some indeed friend .Just as the saying goes "A friend in need is a freind indeed". For me ,I can't agree more with this point of view,and I would like to develop my ideas as follows.

To begin with, whether your friend will offer you sincere help or not in the first time can be regarded as a very important assessmentof the quality of the friendship.People make friends more or less to seek for a kind of conveniency.However, if the so-called friends are never willing to offer any kind of help to you,maybe you might just treat him as much as you are treated,and your friendship will always stay at the superficial level.

What's more, people will be able to release the mental stress from the intimates.Nowadays people are usually living with a high pressure,and a majoritory of poeple will have more or less some kinds of mental problems. We recover oursleves partly from the psychologists,but most people will solve their mental problems by chatting with their intimates.and it is always very effective.And statistics have shown that one who has more intimates will always be more vigorous and be more heathier than one who is relatively lonely.

Finally,Finding some friends who are willing to help you when you are stuck in troubles is very necessary and it is a significant criterion of the judgement about whether you are successful.For example, Once I was on the summer vacation in my hometown ShangHai.I find I was stuck when I realized that there was not enough money in my cellphone SIM card.But for some reasons I had to ask my friends in LanZhou to charge my SIM card.So I ask three of my best friends to charge 50 RMB for me.Half an hour later ,my SIM revealed that there was 152 RMB in sum. No one can  imagine that how pround I was at that time.

To sum up, sparing time with friend in deed will not only develop a eternally sound friendship between each other ,but help solve our mental problems.Most importanly ,we can feel a sense of success when we succeed making friend with people who care us as much as we do .

lixiang8747

2月28日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to choose friends that could have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you are in need !


Do you always feel helpless and even do not know from whom you can get help .If so, you might seriously consider that you are actually in bad need of some indeed friend .Just as the saying goes "A friend in need is a freind indeed". For me ,I can't agree more with this point of view,（问题问你觉得哪个更重要一些，那你需要说明一下，你写I can't agree more with this point of view 是说你同意更有趣相处比需要时得到帮助更重要，这就表达的不清楚了。and I would like to develop my ideas as follows.

To begin with, whether your friend will offer you sincere help or not in the first time can be regarded as a very important assessment of the quality of the friendship.(这句好长啊，断句吧)People make friends more or less to seek for a kind of conveniency.However, if the so-called friends are never willing to offer any kind of help to you,maybe you might just treat him as much as you are treated,and your friendship will always stay at the superficial level.（这段一共就三句话，建议改成短一点的句子）

What's more, people will be able to release the mental stress from the intimates.Nowadays people are usually living with a high pressure,and a majoritory（majority） of poeple will have more or less some kinds of mental problems. We recover oursleves partly from the psychologists(不是通过心理学家，是psychotherapist 心理医生),(这句话写成part of us get help from the psychotherapists 这样更突出后面这句话，前面写短一些就突出了后面你想表达的东西) but most people will solve their mental problems by chatting with their intimates（这句话改成一般现在时吧，前后时态对称更好）.and（为什么一直用and？） it is always very effective.And（还是这个问题） statistics have shown that one who has more intimates will always be more vigorous and be more heathier（healthy就行了，这个哪有比较级啊） than one who is relatively lonely.

Finally,Finding some friends who are willing to help you when you are stuck in troubles is very necessary and it is a significant criterion of the judgement about whether you are successful.For example, Once I was on the summer vacation in my hometown ShangHai.I find I was stuck when I realized that there was not enough money in my cellphone SIM card（account 不是SIM card）.But for some reasons I had to ask my friends in LanZhou to charge my SIM card（一个问题）.So I ask（asked） three of my best friends （my three best friends,这样我觉得更好，最好的朋友难道还有很多吗？三个最好的已经够多了）to charge 50 RMB for me.Half an hour later ,my SIM（text message） revealed that there was 152 RMB in sum. No one can  imagine that how pround I was at that time.

To sum up, sparing time with friend indeed will not only develop a eternally sound friendship between each other ,but help solve our mental problems.Most importanly ,we can feel a sense of success when we succeed making friend with people who care us as much as we do .







我觉得music最好把句子简化一下，不要这么多从句，让人读起来不是很顺畅；开头观点表达不是很明确，绕来绕去也没说清楚；句子里面不要有那么多的and，and这样的形式，可以转换为别的连接词来处理，不管是递进还是转折比这种run-on句型要好。

jiaosisisisi

2月28日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to choose friends that could have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you are in need !


Do you always feel helpless and even do not know from whom you can get help .If so, you might seriously consider that you are actually in bad need of some indeed friend .Just as the saying goes "A friend in need is a freind indeed". For me ,I can't agree more with this point of view,（问题问你觉得哪个更重要一些，那你需要说明一下，你写I can't agree more with this point of view 是说你同意更有趣相处比需要时得到帮助更重要，这就表达的不清楚了。and I would like to develop my ideas as follows.

To begin with, whether your friend will offer you sincere help or not in the first time can be regarded as a very important assessment of the quality of the friendship.(这句好长啊，断句吧)People make friends more or less to seek for a kind of conveniency.However, if the so-called friends are never willing to offer any kind of help to you,maybe you might just treat him as much as you are treated,and your friendship will always stay at the superficial level.（这段一共就三句话，建议改成短一点的句子）

What's more, people will be able to release the mental stress from the intimates.Nowadays people are usually living with a high pressure,and a majoritory（majority） of poeple will have more or less some kinds of mental problems. We recover oursleves partly from the psychologists(不是通过心理学家，是psychotherapist 心理医生),(这句话写成part of us get help from the psychotherapists 这样更突出后面这句话，前面写短一些就突出了后面你想表达的东西) but most people will solve their mental problems by chatting with their intimates（这句话改成一般现在时吧，前后时态对称更好）.and（为什么一直用and？） it is always very effective.And（还是这个问题） statistics have shown that one who has more intimates will always be more vigorous and be more heathier（healthy就行了，这个哪有比较级啊） than one who is relatively lonely.

Finally,Finding some friends who are willing to help you when you are stuck in troubles is very necessary and it is a significant criterion of the judgement about whether you are successful.For example, Once I was on the summer vacation in my hometown ShangHai.I find I was stuck when I realized that there was not enough money in my cellphone SIM card（account 不是SIM card）.But for some reasons I had to ask my friends in LanZhou to charge my SIM card（一个问题）.So I ask（asked） three of my best friends （my three best friends,这样我觉得更好，最好的朋友难道还有很多吗？三个最好的已经够多了）to charge 50 RMB for me.Half an hour later ,my SIM（text message） revealed that there was 152 RMB in sum. No one can  imagine that how pround I was at that time.

To sum up, sparing time with friend indeed will not only develop a eternally sound friendship between each other ,but help solve our mental problems.Most importanly ,we can feel a sense of success when we succeed making friend with people who care us as much as we do .







我觉得music最好把句子简化一下，不要这么多从句，让人读起来不是很顺畅；开头观点表达不是很明确，绕来绕去也没说清楚；句子里面不要有那么多的and，and这样的形式，可以转换为别的连接词来处理，不管是递进还是转折比这种run-on句型要好。

-- by 会员 lixiang8747 (2012/2/29 22:13:14)

多谢八戒的意见，
1、我发现自己以前是叹号特别多，这个纯属打dota遗留的坏习惯。。。。。。
干什么都要按着shift键。而且有时候还要找快捷键。。。
现在突然又发现有了and的坏习惯，虚心接受。。。。。。
真是自己发现不到自己的问题啊~ 谢谢啊
2、我决定重新写这篇的，改正各种明显的错误~~我其实写完就感觉到我是在码字了。。。。
观点链接的很不连贯。
3、我发现长句子确实非常不高效，很浪费我时间去想，但是如何适当断句，变成一些比较连贯的短句子，我的确是需要慢慢练习的
综上所述，非常感谢~

jiaosisisisi

225 我帮助 bobbo 改综合
The lecture mainly talks about the predators’ theory to explain the otters' （如果可以在阅读时候，把文中反复出现的主人公式的单词写出来写完整会比较好吧， 文中说的是sea otters）decline. （这里有一个转折性的连接词会好些）The reading passage is somewhat groundless, questionable and having some shortcomings when compared to the lecture in three aspects.

To begin with, the listening material holds （hold the view 或者hold the idea会比较好，类似模板随便记忆一个就ok ）that we can easily see （如果是同位语，view 或者 idea的话，去掉we caneasily see 会不会好些）many otters are dead because of its（这个its指代不明，建议）predators, whereas we haven't find that one otter have been killed with the pollution reason. This （this 貌似不能用来直接作主语）directly opposed what the reading material say. （有个链接词汇好很多）In the reading material, the cause of otters' death is the pollution.

On the other hand, contrary to the belief in the reading that the whole ecosystem are affected by the pollution, the lecture reckons owing to the people's killing of whales, the population of the whales are decrease.（be动词应该加动词的分词形式） Then the orcas have（单数+谓语动词单三） to change their diet to eat other small animals. This leads to （lead to 中to 是介词）affect the whole ecosystem.

Last but not the least(固定搭配是last but not least),the professor states that the predators' theory also explains the uneven pattern of otters’ decline better. Since the orcas cannot get access to the shallow water, the number of otters which live there is not decline. The shallow water mainly is near the coast. The author does not solve this problem very well. He or she （用the passage比用这个复杂的好些）just suggests that maybe some reason （复数比较好）create such uneven pattern. This is last place where the lecture contradicts the passage.

总结：本文结构比较完整，基本入了大趋势！而且作者的原创性比较强！。。。。。。很多句型都是自己现场想出来的，我感觉是  
建议：我觉得你应该多研究一些固定的表达观点的常用搭配，比如he lecture points out that the explanation in the reading material is /The lecture points out that the explanation in the reading material is /The professor actually contradicts the statements made in the passage 等等 ，这样的话，可能现场用的时间会更少些，
可以节约很多宝贵的时间！ 加油，祝成功！

daisyの小夢想

哈哈 music还没post昨天的 我可以偷懒一下咯~~等你写~~~

jiaosisisisi

哈哈 music还没post昨天的 我可以偷懒一下咯~~等你写~~~

-- by 会员 daisyの小夢想 (2012/3/1 21:57:31)

TPO 14
The professor casts doubt on the reading material's statement that
salvage logging will do good to the forest areas after a fire .She
deems that people can not expect too much form the salvage logging, because
it is totally exaggerated exaggeraterred
Firstly, the author claims that  salvage logging can remove the remains
of the dead trees after the disater,therefore it can make space for
new trees.But the lecturer holds an opposing view that there is no need
to clean up the dead trees ,because the damaged trees can provide
a rich nutrition for the new trees and will nourish the grass and plants
for generations.
Secondly,the reading passage argues that removing rotting wood can take
away the insects ,which are bad for spruce trees ,However the lecturer
also challenges the second point in the reading regarding that it's
not necessary to take away the insects because some insects are good
for the new trees and in long term dead wood can enrich the soil
.
The final point on whhich that author and lecturer disagree with each other
is that salvage logging has econmoic benefits.The author views that
some damaged trees can still be used by industries and salvage logging might offer
extra jobs for local residents. But the lecturer completely contradicts
this claims by stating that collecting the damaged trees cost heavily,
asserting that many trees are even located in places that are hard to reach.
Additionally,salvage logging can only provide jobs that are temperatory.
what's more ,the jobs usually need so much training that outside workers
will be preferable rather than local residents.

jiaosisisisi

229  独立

No one can deny the fact that humans are changing the world at a substantially high speed.It's reported that the total economic values created by mankinds during 1900-2000,only one hundred years ,are more than the sum of those during 0-1900.Though amazing achievements as we human beings are getting,we still can not find solutions to a number of big headache problems in recent years.

To begin with ,humans cannot expect themselves to cure some diseases thoroughly. Take AIDS for example,this disease takes away millions of people's lives each year on the earth.Scientists has been trying their best to lower the rate of the death caused by AIDS,but recent statistics reveals that increasing Africans are suffering from AIDS than before,and there are no effective solutions about this.

Additionally,the shortage of natural resources are always alarming.Actually ,people will have to spare no efforts to find some alternatives to replace the indispensable resources.For example,the rising price of gasoline has revealed that the sum of crude oil are decreasing rapidly.Statistics have shown that the oil on the planet will be used up in 50 years.

Finally,green house is the inevitable phenomenon that we are experiencing now.The earth is getting hotter and hotter then the ice is partly melting.Sequently,the horizon of the sea level is rising at a very dangerous speed. It can be even foreseen that the continent will be largely overwhelmmed if no effective responses are made.

In brief, we can safely conclude that though mankinds have got brilliant achievements , but we have to face a lot of challenges.To solve the problems ,it might need several generations to work hard before getting the solutions .

daisyの小夢想

来了来了~~！

The professor casts doubt on the reading material's statement that
salvage logging will do good to the forest areas after a fire .She
deems that people can not expect too much form the salvage logging, because
it is totally exaggeraterred (exaggerated)

Firstly, the author claims that  salvage logging can remove the remains
of the dead trees after the disater,therefore it can make space for
new trees.But the lecturer holds an opposing view that there is no need
to clean up the dead trees ,because the damaged trees can provide
a rich nutrition(nutrients) for the new trees and will nourish the grass and plants
for generations.

Secondly,the reading passage argues that removing rotting wood can take
away(arouse the growth of insects) the insects ,which are bad for spruce trees ,(.)However the lecturer
also challenges the second point in the reading regarding that(regarding？有点奇怪。challenge by saying that) it's
not necessary to take away the insects because some insects are good
for the new trees and in long term dead wood can enrich the soil
.

The final point on whhich(which) that author and lecturer disagree with each other(有点啰嗦。The final point on which the reading and the lecture contradict)
is that(whether) salvage logging has econmoic(economic) benefits.The author views that
some damaged trees can still be used by industries and salvage logging might offer
extra jobs for local residents. But the lecturer completely contradicts
this claims by stating that collecting the damaged trees cost heavily,
(and) asserting that many trees are even located in places that are hard to reach.Additionally,salvage logging can only provide jobs that are temperatory(temporary).
what's more ,the jobs usually need so much training that outside workers
will be preferable rather than local residents.

jiaosisisisi

3.3  用了 22+32 mins  

The lecturer casts doubt on the reading material's statement that

The number of the United States-birds will decline by several reasons.  

He deems that the explanations for this phenomanon are not well grounded.

To begin with ,the author argues that human populations and settlements are taking up the space for the habitats.However the lecturer holds an opposing view that plenty birds like to live in the city ,the size of the bird populations is not supposed to decrease because though some birds will vanish ,but more birds will increase in city.

Additionally ,the author claims that the rising agricultural activities will jeopardize the habitats for birds.But the  lecturer completely contradicts the claim by stating that technology makes it possible that less land can harvest more food that before,what's more,a productive kind of corn will be used to support more people per unit land.

The final point on which the author and the lecturer disagree with each other

Is that whether the increasing use of pesticides will endanger the birds.The author views that this deed will cause an significant decline in bird population.

But the lecturer contends that the pesticide will be less toxic in the future and

Some new kinds of pesticides do not do harm to birds at all.Therefore,the bird population will not be threatened by pesticides.

All this information points to that the number of birds is not going to decrease by all the analyses.

3月3日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.

Have you ever been addicted to American movies or TV plalys Have you ever find your tempers get worse and worse after enjoying the voilent movies and TV programs?Have you ever find yourself spending days too fast just because of wathing movies and television ?Or have you unconsciously find you have to wear glasses just because you watch TV everyday? If so ,you might deeply stand on my side that movies and television are playing a relatively negetive role in our daily life.

To begin with,the increasing rate of criminals among the young people have support the view that movies and television are conducting the behaviors of the young .Statistics have revealed that more than half of the young criminals they do things such as rob or rape Just because they are imitating the superstars in the movies or they learn such behaviors form TV.Therefore,it is obvious that  violent movies and TV plays are mentally endagering the young people.

Additionally ,watching too much movies and TV will surely take up too much time for other things .Take my college roomate for example,he was once crazy about the Japanese cartoons.The first thing he came back from school would always be turning on the computers,and keep his bodies unmoved by staring at the cartoons all the time.Unfortunatly after he finished the last episode of Japanese cartoon,he also get a average 50 scroes out of 100 in his finnal examination. Therefore,it is unwise for one take up too much on movies and TV.
Get a very bad grade

Finally,you might be surprised when we find more and more childred wear glasses at a very young age.I would like to attribute much of this phenomenon to movies and TV. Obviously,It's bad for our eyes if when stare at one thing too much time.We should take rest for the sakes of our eyes,but TV and movie lovers never care about this truth.

To sum up,if you are not a good manager of yourself ,you might endanger yourself by movies and TV. So why not be a little wise and put some of your Movie or TV time to other more siginificant things?