【写作小分队】music作文贴，714 ～～～

Crystaljoy

晨依，很亮~

jiaosisisisi

独立225（第二篇，没有计时。。。。60mins 啊有没有！！！）
Compared with people who live in urban areas,
the people who live in rural areas can
take better care of their families.



Recently there is a heatly discussion on whether people living in rural areas can take better care
of their families than those who live in urban areas.Ideas differ since people might have diverse considerations towards this question ,and the values in their minds would probably effect their ways of thinking,thus influence their decision
makings.As far as I am concerned, I would absolutely make the choice to live in rural areas so as to offer a better living conditions for my families,and I would like to share my point of views as follow!

To begin with, one have to accept the fact that air in rural areas is much pure and fresh ,since there are less cars and the corresponding wastes in the countryside! People living there are more likely to have a healthier condition.For example , statistics have shown that the rural enjoy a relatively longer life span than the urban .Therefore,with less medical cost and less suffering,it is certain that countryside will make it better for people to live in,thus people will find it easier to raise thier family there!

What's more ,the living costs in rural areas are in a substantial low level! With the same amounts of money in hand,one can only buy as less one-third of goods in the city as in the rural. Compared with the citizens ,the rural are sure to enjoy a better living condition ! For example, people living in the center of Beijing have to afford 2,000,000RMB to buy a very small house within100 square meters,but the same amount of money can be used to buy five decent houses ,each as big as 200 square meters and well furnished ,in my hometown.Obviously,people can live cheaply in the rural areas,and thus provide their family a better care!

Finally,the rural are usually known to be honest and friendly,and it's easy for one to obtain a mental enjoyment there!For example ,people in rural areas usually get well along with their neighbours ,and they will always enjoy a pleasant chat after dinner.Besides,They help each other ,and share almost everything with their neighbours.Thus loneliness is usually a rare word to the rural,because people there will never feel lonely.

To sum up , it is a extremely wise choice for people to put their family in the rural areas.They are sure to be a little surprised to find that their family are always enjoying a good health condition, less costs and mental health! So why do they bother moving to the city to seek for the endless sufferings ?

晨依Jacqueline

music在日益强大~~加了个油

jiaosisisisi

music在日益强大~~加了个油

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/2/26 10:09:13)

共勉~~~lol~

Serena0710

Recently there is a heatly(孩子，这个火热的heatly写错了吧~~) discussion on whether people living in rural areas can take better care of their families than those who live in urban areas. Ideas differ since people might have diverse considerations towards this question, and the values in their minds would probably effect their ways of thinking, thus influence their decision makings. （这句太过于模板化了，你想想，你就是把模板搬上来了，其实并没有说什么很实质性的东西，凑字数的目的过于赤裸裸，很容易被考官BS的。。。写点实质性的东西吧~~）As far as I am concerned, I would absolutely make the choice to live in rural areas so as to offer a better（后面用的是conditions，所以a 可以去掉~）living conditions for my families, and I would like to share my point of views as follow!

To begin with, one have to accept the fact that air in rural areas is much pure and fresh, since there are less cars and the （the可去掉）corresponding wastes in the countryside!（这个感叹号用的。。。亲，你激动了吧。。。）People living there are more likely to have a healthier condition. For example, statistics have shown that the rural enjoy a relatively longer life span than the urban .Therefore, with less medical cost and less suffering, it is certain that countryside will make it better for people to live in, thus people will find it easier to raise their family there!

What's more, the living costs in rural areas are in a substantial （改为副词形式substantially，其实用relatively更好呀~~不要那么绝对啦）low level! （music，你又激动了。。。）With the same amounts of money in hand, one can only buy as less one-third of goods in the city as in the rural. Compared with the citizens, the rural（the rural可以代表住在乡村的人不？） are sure to enjoy a better living condition ! （又激动。。。）For example, people living in the center of Beijing have to afford 2,000,000RMB to buy a very（不要加very了，100平的房纸不小了哟在BJ） small house within100 square meters, but the same amount of money can be used to buy five decent houses ,each as big as 200 square meters and well furnished ,in my hometown. Obviously, people can live cheaply in the rural areas, and thus provide their family a better care!

Finally, the rural are usually known to be honest and friendly, and it's easy for one to obtain a mental enjoyment there! For example, people in rural areas usually get well along with their neighbors, and they will always enjoy a pleasant chat after dinner. Besides, they help each other ,and share almost everything with their neighbors. Thus loneliness is usually a rare word to the rural, because people there will never feel lonely.

To sum up , it is a extremely wise choice for people to put（settle is better）their family in the rural areas. They are sure to be a little surprised to find that their family（要不要改成families？） are always enjoying a good health condition, less costs and mental health! So why do they bother moving to the city to seek for the endless sufferings?



例子很不错，论证的也不错，不过，music不要用那么多感叹号啦~~莫激动莫激动。。。哈哈

jiaosisisisi

Recently there is a heatly(孩子，这个火热的heatly写错了吧~~) discussion on whether people living in rural areas can take better care of their families than those who live in urban areas. Ideas differ since people might have diverse considerations towards this question, and the values in their minds would probably effect their ways of thinking, thus influence their decision makings. （这句太过于模板化了，你想想，你就是把模板搬上来了，其实并没有说什么很实质性的东西，凑字数的目的过于赤裸裸，很容易被考官BS的。。。写点实质性的东西吧~~）As far as I am concerned, I would absolutely make the choice to live in rural areas so as to offer a better（后面用的是conditions，所以a 可以去掉~）living conditions for my families, and I would like to share my point of views as follow!

To begin with, one have to accept the fact that air in rural areas is much pure and fresh, since there are less cars and the （the可去掉）corresponding wastes in the countryside!（这个感叹号用的。。。亲，你激动了吧。。。）People living there are more likely to have a healthier condition. For example, statistics have shown that the rural enjoy a relatively longer life span than the urban .Therefore, with less medical cost and less suffering, it is certain that countryside will make it better for people to live in, thus people will find it easier to raise their family there!

What's more, the living costs in rural areas are in a substantial （改为副词形式substantially，其实用relatively更好呀~~不要那么绝对啦）low level! （music，你又激动了。。。）With the same amounts of money in hand, one can only buy as less one-third of goods in the city as in the rural. Compared with the citizens, the rural（the rural可以代表住在乡村的人不？） are sure to enjoy a better living condition ! （又激动。。。）For example, people living in the center of Beijing have to afford 2,000,000RMB to buy a very（不要加very了，100平的房纸不小了哟在BJ） small house within100 square meters, but the same amount of money can be used to buy five decent houses ,each as big as 200 square meters and well furnished ,in my hometown. Obviously, people can live cheaply in the rural areas, and thus provide their family a better care!

Finally, the rural are usually known to be honest and friendly, and it's easy for one to obtain a mental enjoyment there! For example, people in rural areas usually get well along with their neighbors, and they will always enjoy a pleasant chat after dinner. Besides, they help each other ,and share almost everything with their neighbors. Thus loneliness is usually a rare word to the rural, because people there will never feel lonely.

To sum up , it is a extremely wise choice for people to put（settle is better）their family in the rural areas. They are sure to be a little surprised to find that their family（要不要改成families？） are always enjoying a good health condition, less costs and mental health! So why do they bother moving to the city to seek for the endless sufferings?



例子很不错，论证的也不错，不过，music不要用那么多感叹号啦~~莫激动莫激动。。。哈哈

-- by 会员 Serena0710 (2012/2/26 22:44:23)

好吧，我是有多么鸡冻呢。。。我怎么就不知道我居然用了那么多感叹号啊！！！

jiaosisisisi

225 综合~~~~

The professor casts doubts on the reading material's statement that
population of the sea otters decreases mainly for pollution problems,he conceives  
that predation should  be the authentic explanation for the phenomenon.

Firstly ，the passage says that the discovery of chemical pollution in the living
environment can prove the increasing deaths of the sea otters.                        
however,the lecture points out that the explanation in the reading material is not grounded
because people can not find the dead bodyies of sea otters along the coast,and predation can
perfectly solve this contradiction !                          
                                         
Secondly, the author claims that the declining of the similar sea mammals supports the
fact that environmental pollution is the main cause of the decreasing of the SO,                                
because only common predators such as orcas,which however feed up on much larger prey,
are able to make all this happen! but the lecturer holds an opposing view that larger prey such as
whales might be predated by humans,and then orcas have to eat smaller sea mammals,which are
sure to decrease very quickly.                      

                                       
The final point on which the author and the lecturer disagree with each
other is that whether the uneven pattern of Seaotter decline is caused by
pollutants ! the reading says that ocean currents or other environmental factors coincide the
pollution hypothesis.But the lecture completely contradicts this claims by stating that uneven pattern
of the otter accounts for the orcas predating fact.The density of sea otters is low because orcas are not able to
access to the shallow areas.

jiaosisisisi

2月27日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?It is more enjoyable to buy a new technological device when
it becomes available than to wait until many people have owned it.
凡人不凡~~谢谢了  
我写了48mins 计时写的  疯了！

Have you bought a Iphone4S yet?if not,you might be already out-of-date.That is the exact advertisement
That Apple company is conveying to its costums. Sequently ,People stay up late till the midnight to wait in front
of the apple stores to buy a cellphone,regardless of the high price that is more than 5000RMB for each.In my view,
I think it's unreasonable to buy a new technological device in the first time when it is promoted,and I would like to    
develop my points as follow.

To begin with,it's very expensive for us to buy a new product in the first time, because companies have to spend
plenty of money to develop a new product,and they will make a very high price for the corresponding product to meet
the high costs of R&D.If you buy the new technological device as soon as the company promotes it ,you might have to
bear higher price than the value of the product itself.,and the high price you are going to pay is just to sacrifice
the Marketing strategy of the companies. Therefore,will you be pleased to spend a lot of money to buy a new product
that is far more less than its practical value?  

What is more,it's very safe for us to buy a product until many people have owed it.Because if you buy a new technological
product too early ,the corresponding service can't catch up with the needs of the customs at all .For example ,in 2008 one
of my friends bought a highly equiped lenovo computer as soon as the company exhibited this machine,but one week later,
the computer broken down for some hardware problems .He did his best to negotiate with the after-sale department ,but they manager admitted that the new hardware of this latest computer was not provided yet ,becuase it was
still on the testing period.Fortunately the manager apologized and finally repayed us the money.Therefore,will you be pleased
to buy a latest electronic product without a safe service guarantee?

To sum up ,I would always be glad to buy the high technological product after people already have owed one,for it is very
cheap ,and I am not supposed to take the risks .

ft3098563

红色为错误，黄色为精彩，蓝色为疑惑或建议，绿色为我的修改句供参考。
Have you bought a（冠词后接元音要用an） Iphone4S yet?if(注意大小写) not,you might be already out-of-date.That is the exact advertisement
That（同上） Apple company is conveying to its costums（是customers）. Sequently（没明白想表达什么意思） ,People stay up late till the midnight to wait in front of the apple stores to buy a cellphone,regardless of the high price that is more than 5000RMB for each.（People wait until the midnight in front of the apple stores just want to buy a cellphone， regardless of the high price which is more than 5000RMB for each ）In my view,I think it's unreasonable to buy a new technological device in the first time when it is promoted(表达产品上市可以用launched into the market ),and I would like to develop my points as follow（as follow 下面只能有一个列举，应用as follows）.文章的第一段通常包括引进话题，简述题目背景和给出个人观点三个部分(有时前两者可融为一体)。它会给评阅人留下关键的第一印象，所以非常关键。此文首段利用一个实例——苹果公司iPHONE4S 作为切入点引入话题是可以的，但是如果没有最后一句话的话很容易让人误认为这篇文章讨论的是人们该不该购买高科技产品，而不是该不该立即购买高科技产品，容易给读者造成误导，所以在引入话题时一定要做到简洁、准确。
To begin with,it's very expensive for us to buy a new product in the first time, because companies have to spend
plenty of money to develop（spend sth doing 基本的语法） a new product,and they will make a very high price for the corresponding product to meet the high costs of R&D.If you buy the new technological device as soon as the company promotes it （the product is available）,you might have to bear higher price than the value of the product itself.,and the high price you are going to pay is just to sacrifice
the Marketing strategy of the companies.(这句话表述不清) Therefore,will you be pleased to spend a lot of money to buy（同上，语法错误） a new product that is far more less（没有这种用法，要不就far more, 要不就 far less） than its practical value?  

What is more,it's very safe for us to buy a product until many people have owed(owned, owe 是把什么归功于的意思) it.Because if you buy a new technological product too early ,the corresponding service can't catch up with the needs of the customs at all .For example ,in 2008 one
of my friends bought a highly equiped lenovo computer as soon as the company exhibited this machine（这里用product更为准确）,but one week later, the computer broken down(the computer has broken down) for some hardware problems .He did his best to negotiate with the after-sale department ,but they manager (the manager)admitted that the new hardware of this latest computer was not provided yet ,becuase it was still on the testing period.Fortunately the manager apologized and finally repayed us the money.Therefore,will you be pleased to buy a latest electronic product without a safe service guarantee(guarantee 为动词，应为guaranty)?

To sum up ,I would always be glad to buy the high technological product after people already have owed （同上）one,for it is very
cheap ,and I am not supposed to（be supposed to 是应该的意思，I would rather not ） take the risks .

1.写完后可以自己先检查一遍，把一些明显的错误（如大小写、拼写、语法错误等）自己挑出来，这些错误大多是自己稍不留意而犯的，如果在检查过程中能够自己发现并改正可以避免下次犯同样的错误。
2.结尾段明显仓促收笔，虽然总结了上面两个分论点但给人感觉缺少说服力。
3.文章的结构很好，举得例子也恰如其分，如果表达上再下点功夫会更出彩的。
给楼主的建议：刚开始写的时候不要太在意时间限制，它会逼迫你犯下很多不该出现的错误，按照这种方法练习的话虽然会缩短你的成文时间，但是写作质量不会大幅度的提高，因为写作是需要真知灼句的，下次你可以试试延长写作时间，把自己最好的水品发挥出来，这样写上七八篇后再要求速度，你会发现进步很快的！

jiaosisisisi

2月27日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more enjoyable to buy a new technological device when it becomes available than to wait until many people have owned it.
蓝色是我认为可能有问题的
红色是比较赞的
绿色是我的感后感
Not until recent years, numerous high-tech products spring up in the market, making us an easy access to enjoy 这里to 是介词，后面跟Ving ！the benefits brought by the fast developing technology. However, when a new product first comes into markets, some people prefer to buy it immediately while others choose to use it when it is widely spread. 不是物品被传播，而是主动关系！Although buying the product as soon as it is available do has （强调句子是do+动词原形！，感觉用一个程度副词会比do 更加好的，athough buying the product as soon as it is available indeed /obviously has ）many advantages, I would rather purchase it until many people adopted it.(提醒你一下，你这一个句子里面代词it用了好多遍，让人感觉有点puzzled,建议你多用一些花样来试试)

The new technological devices are always too expensive when they first come into the market, which is the first reason I choose to hesitate.（这个非限定定语从句有点勉强了，用一个名词性从句怎么样呢，My first reason is that XXXXXXXX,这样放在第一句的话，会不会比较开门见山点呢，，，，给个我的小总结经验，第一句，最好不要太多花样，尽量让人一次就可以看懂！）Take cellphones for example, （这句很亮的， 突破了传统的for example，）when a new designed cell phone is first available in the market, there are more people to look at them rather than make actual purchase（这句表达很chinglish，there be 让你的句子主语的动作很难再表现得自然，建议可以去掉therebe,我觉得“,most people will wonder between buying one and just watching patiently. ”）. Even though the cellphone usually are (一般be动词在前，副词在后，are usually )equipped with innovation(innovative)design or some fascinating functions, their price is too high to be afforded by most people. (这个被动用的过于生硬，我觉得不如主动表达自然)However, after several weeks or months, the price will fall to a more affordable level, and many similar designed products are （前面用will，这里也要用相应时态比较符合情理）always available at the same time.

Moreover, do not buy the new technological devices immediately will also leave us time to consider whether it is worth purchasing or not. If the new products exist some problems, it will take time to show up these problems,（problems 和show up 是主动关系，建议it will take some time for these problems to show up） therefore, wait until many people (动词不能直接做主语，waiting比较好)have adopted them sounds a wise choice, since it saves us a lot of time to test the quality of the new technological devices. A suitable example is a new designed computer marketed by a famous company,（这句很亮）which attracts a lot of consumers to buy them, however, most of the consumers regret after using it for a short of time, because the computer proved to have some design problems, and have been recalled by the company.（这个recall 也很亮）
Hence, even though some people still doubt that there are many benefits to buy the new technologies devices,（觉得就用technological device比较不改变意思吧） reasoning that they can enjoy the high tech earlier than others, and will also win others appreciation, I still prefer to buy the product until many people adopt them, though,（这个though 跟because 在一起会不会有点绕口） because it is more safer and economic to enjoy it.
总结：
凡与不凡 ，好！咱们写这个文章之前是不是商量过啊啊~~~居然用的论据都是一样，而且例子都差不多 ，看来这个话题，确实不怎么好拓展！你的举例子take for example ， A suitable example 都比较赞，脱离了低级趣味的for example,整体结构很不错 很完整！
美中不足:
Firstly，你下次可以再想一个凑够三个论点的，大趋势是五段论~~~
Secondly，而且你的代词it在一个长句子用得太多了，容易让人感觉指代不清楚，而且很拗口！
Thirdly，你的被动句子如果使用的话，就一定不要要简洁，如果不简洁的话，宁可用主动句子。
To sum up，整体很不错的，我发现的问题大致是这么多，希望你可以自己斟酌下，然后结合自己的感觉来把握以下，eventually，hope you can crack TOEFL succseefully !