【写作小分队】鸟儿Cjoy的作文贴~~To be more logical~~~

Aviva0307

蓝色为异议，橙色为建议，高亮为精彩！



3月20日110304NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime.

To be honest, our living standard today is better off in large scope due to the ever-improving technology. But as the technology is to makes a substantial change to the natural environment, numerous unforeseen byproducts would also spring up, such as the environmental pollution, energy crisis and so on so forth. （,numerous unforeseen byproducts such as the environmental pollution, energy crisis and so on would also spring up——例子紧跟名词，是不是GMAT语法里有？）They will, by no means, pose a less threat onthe human being than what starvation, deadly diseases did decades ago.

Admittedly, it has been years that our last generations keep attacking the ecosphere by exploring the natural rainforest, tapping the deep ocean, and conquering the far continents. But now it's the time（本段重点是环境问题多, it’s the time强调的不是这个了） we received the cruder counterattack from the nature. For instance, the all-time frequent earthquakes shake(destroy) our newly-built homelands which were habitats of animals, involving China, Chili, New Zealand, Japan, Philippine etc.(托福作文中最好不用这种缩写) and catastrophically diminish our ability to enjoy what the high-tech provides us. What's worse, the contaminated water and air, as well as the radioactive exposures eradicated (brought about?) by the hi-tech, may severely poison our body. Thus we generation are actually put in a more dangerous ecosphere than our grandparents who mainly lived to crave life necessities were.——自然的报复。

Besides, we have to acknowledge the fact that we are on the path of running out of energy. I'm not surprised at all, for instance, that the price of oil continues to soar, while the number of cars is not decreased. The reason is obvious: the explosive populations are consuming resources at an ever-faster speed, especially in the emerging economies. Although (Obviously, ) the energy shortage may not be solved overnight, we generation cannot neglect its seriousness. for the sake of our descendents, or how can we exempt the responsibility when hand over a dying planet to them? (全文讨论的中心不是社会问题很多很严重，不能在lifetime内解决吗？最好一句跟中心无关)——能源的短缺。

Luckily, many governments and communities are striving to work on such problems I mentioned, they implement laws on the prohibition and protection of environmental pollution and support the exploration of new clean energy. However, some businessmen and individuals who just take action on their own interests, are unwilling to make sacrifice. That's also why still few drivers accept the environmental-friendly (environmental friendly) but costly (the costly but environmental friendly) electricity powered automobiles. Obviously, we still have a long way to go, both for governments and individuals. ——利益相关者的不配合。

In sum, the most important problems, namely environmental pollution, energy crisis etc., are still there awaiting to be tackled in our lifetime, even with the cooperation of generations.





针对整篇文章的逻辑：（总体感觉，这篇文章的逻辑没有考虑得特别清楚）

审题：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime.——全文来看，没有很明确地体现出想反驳statement的哪一点。



文章中心是问题很多，所以不能在短期内解决？但是每个分论点，没有提到为什么不能在短期内解决。（虽然说了问题很多很复杂，但是仍然不排除“能在人类有生之年全部解决”的可能性啊）

Crystaljoy

3.20
极光，看看这样修改后怎么样？我又把每段点题了一下。

To be honest, our living standard today is better off in large scope due to the ever-improving technology. But as the technology makes a substantial change to the natural environment, numerous unforeseen byproducts such as the environmental pollution, energy crisis and so on would also spring up. They will, by no means, pose a more fatal threat on human being living today than what starvation, deadly diseases did decades ago. Apparently, it would be impossible for our generation to solve such long time accumulated problems.

Admittedly, it has been years that our last generations keep attacking the ecosphere by exploring the natural rainforest, tapping the deep ocean, and conquering the far continents. But now it's the time we received the cruder counterattack from the nature. （我想强调的正是现在这个时间，我们遭受了大自然的严厉报复，想表明的是problems in today’s world for our generation. 但是我不太清楚it’s time 是接什么时态。）For instance, the all-time frequent earthquakes destroy our newly-built homelands which were habitats of animals, involving China, Chili, New Zealand, Japan, Philippine etc.(托福作文中最好不用这种缩写。哦？) and catastrophically diminish our ability to enjoy what the high-tech provides us. What's worse, the contaminated water and air, as well as the radioactive exposures brought about by the hi-tech, may severely poison our body. Compared with our grandparents who mainly lived to crave life necessities, we generation are stuck in a more dangerous ecosphere, having neither the power nor the chance to fight against natural’s counterattack in our lifetime.

Besides, we have to acknowledge the fact that we are on the path of running out of energy. I'm not surprised at all, for instance, that the price of oil continues to soar, while the number of cars is not decreased. The reason is obvious: the explosive populations are consuming resources at an ever-faster speed, especially in the emerging economies. Obviously, the energy shortage is a global issue which involves the participation of not only you and me, but also our descendents, in long term struggle.

Luckily, many governments and communities are striving to work on such problems I mentioned , they implement laws on the prohibition of environmental pollution and support the exploration of new clean energy. However, some businessmen and individuals who just take action on their own interests, are unwilling to make sacrifice. That's also why still few drivers accept the costly but environmental friendly electricity powered automobiles. Without joint efforts of every sector in society, never could the ultimate goal be ensure to be achieved.

In sum, the most important problems, namely environmental pollution, energy crisis etc., are too serious in nature to be tackled in our life time, but require the cooperation of generations.

Crystaljoy

3.27

综合TPO17

The passage raises the issue about the diminishing population of the birds in the United States, claiming three possible reasons accountable. However, each of them is regarded as unconvincing enough to support the very depletion.

To begin with, the lecturer deems that the urban area actually can provide a better and larger suitable habitat for the birds by citing the evidence of the increased population of birds in cities. Though some kinds face a slight decline in number, most others just boom in size. It is totally distinguished from what is presented in the reading, that human population and settlements are developed at the sacrifice of the birds’ natural habitats.

Besides, with regard to the agricultural activities, the speaker holds the view that less and less land is needed for agriculture virtually, because scientists have introduced many gene-tuned crops which yield far more production each year to satisfy our food demand. Obviously, in the passage, the saying that more and more wilder land which was once used to be habitats for birds are converted to farmlands goes against to what the professor maintains.

In addition, there is a debate on whether the application of the chemical pesticides should be blamed for the birds’ habitats depletion. The passage believes where there is need to kill the pests, there will be pesticides to apply, thus leading to the birds' unsuccessful reproducing process. Oppositely, the professor speak highly of the people's heightened awareness of the harmful effects the pesticides bought about, and two changes shown up in terms of newly developed less harmful pesticides and pest-resistant crops can best prove it.

晨依Jacqueline

TPO17 综合修改建议~
The passage raises the issue about the diminishing population of the birds in the United States, claiming three possible reasons accountable. However, each of them is regarded as unconvincing enough to support the very depletion（这个地方不大明白）.

To begin with, the lecturer deems（好词！我也得多积累积累了） that the urban area actually can provide a better and larger suitable habitat for the birds by citing the evidence of the increased population of birds in cities. Though some kinds face a slight decline in number, most others just boom in size. It is totally distinguished from what is presented in the reading, that human population and settlements are developed at the sacrifice of the birds’ natural habitats.

Besides, with regard to the agricultural activities, the speaker holds the view that less and less land is needed for agriculture virtually, because scientists have introduced many gene-tuned crops which yield far more productioneach year to satisfy our food demand. （这一段主要是说粮食产量提高了，但是没有说是转基因的。“因为新品种作物的种植，农业用地会越来越少”）Obviously, in the passage, the saying that more and more wilder land which was once used to be habitats for birds are converted to farmlands goes against to what the professor maintains.

In addition, there is a debate on whether the application of the chemical pesticides should be blamed for the birds’ habitats depletion. The passage believes where there is need to kill the pests, there will be pesticides to apply, thus leading to the birds' unsuccessful reproducing process. Oppositely, the professor speak highly of the people's heightened awareness of the harmful effects the pesticides bought about, and two changes shown up in terms of newly developed less harmful pesticides and pest-resistant crops can best prove it. （我觉得可以把前面的内容略微压缩下，写一写两个changes，I think they are important~~1、新的毒性更小的杀虫剂2、新型抗虫害的农作物which不会harm birds）

Crystaljoy

我又开始拖延了。。。！

TPO20

The reading passage introduces the topic of replaying the 'let it burn' with extinguishing forest fire immediately policy, based on analysis of the damages caused by the Yellowstone fire in 1988. However, the lecturer regard the 'let it burn' policy a good one for it is natural and creative.


Initially, the vegetation, according to the professor, turned out to be more diverse after the Yellowstone fires. Thanks to the big fire, some new plants were created such as the smaller plants which were adaptable to more open and wild space, as well as some special species living only in a higher level heat. Oppositely, the reading claims the fire only made a wasteland out of a green forest.


Besides, as the increased small plants provided ideal habitats for small animals such as hares and rabbits, the population of their predators surged accordingly, sustaining the complete food chain, as presented in the lecture. However, the passage holds a totally different view that animals either fled or died in the fire, only resulting in a severe disruption of food chains.


In addition, the issue that whether the local economy had be influenced by the Yellowstone fire is at debate. The author says park visitors were driven away by flames thus significantly downsized the local tourism revenue, while the professor maintains that such unusual natural disaster had no long term influences on local economy because the tourists came back the next year, moreover, such kind of catastrophic fire had never been happened since then.

晨依Jacqueline

TPO20综合修改建议
红色为错误，蓝色为建议or疑惑，高亮为特别特别精彩~！

The reading passage introduces the topic of replaying (改成replacing)the 'let it burn'(+policy)with extinguishing forest fire immediatelypolicy,(建议放在前面一点，即a policy of extinguishing...)based on analysis of the damages caused by the Yellowstone fire in 1988. However, the lecturer regard(s) the 'let it burn' policy (+as) a good one for it is natural and creative.

Initially, the vegetation, according to the professor, turned out to be more diverse after the Yellowstone fires. Thanks to the big fire, some new plants were created such as(这里我的疑问是：是不是应该跟在new plants后面？但是我觉得把were created放在这么一长串后面读起来好像又怪怪的了，求解。) the smaller plants which were adaptable to more open and wild space, as well as some (+seeds of) special species living only in a higher level heat. Oppositely, the reading claims the fire only made a wasteland out of a green forest.

Besides, as the increased small plants provided ideal habitats for small animals such as hares and rabbits,(good details~(*^__^*))the population of their predators surged accordingly, sustaining the complete food chain, as presented in the lecture. However, the passage holds a totally different view that animals either fled or died in the fire, only resulting in a severe disruption of food chains.

In addition, the issue that whether the local economy had be influenced by the Yellowstone fire is at debate.(我觉得这里用得不是太好呢，没有查到这个用法，可以用under discussion。)The author says park visitors were driven away by flames thus significantly downsized the local tourism revenue, while the professor maintains that such unusual natural disaster had no long term(long-term连起来这样是adj.的形式啦) influences on local economy because the tourists came back(to the park)the next year, moreover, such kind of catastrophic fire had never been(个人觉得been可以去掉啊，不过不是很确定) happened since then.

(我想最后多说两句话吧~看鸟儿姐姐的综合感受最深的一点就是百变的句型和地道的表达，仿佛永远不会重样的，真的很赞！有很多地方虽然是原文的同意转述但是比原文要精彩的多哦！
最后一段感觉较前两段来说逊色了一点点，虽然基本讲出了听力的要点，但是和听力的文章的匹配度打了小小的折扣。严格意义来讲，have no long-term influence on economy和would not be a serious problem for tourism unless they happened every year还是有点出入的。其实在综合写作的时候我们不可能把每一点都完全听下来以后写的和听力的表述一样，这里我想说的就是文章的一点小缺憾吧，总是不能避免的。但是我们的宏伟目标是作文30+嘛~~嘻嘻~所以只能多练习然后makes perfect啦)

Crystaljoy

4月4日 110610NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It’s more important for the government to build new housing than preserve old historic building.

写了整整一个小时，修改检查两遍后贴word一看发现government，brilliant全拼错了。
我该练笔了~~~


Today, a number of skyscrapers have been built up to replace the traditional historic building for the urbanization's sake. In Beijing, we catch less sight of Siheyuan or Hutong which are deemed as space-consuming and necessary in modern society. While this may seem good to make an international metropolis out of an ancient capital city, it does bode ill in my eyes. And the preservation of our traditional historic building should be a priority for the government.

As an ancient country with a brilliant history of more than 5000 years, China enjoys many historic relics which should be well preserved as part of our national recognition. Take the Laoshe Tea House in Beijing for example, it not only symbolizes a place for entertainment, but also tells us a vivid story of the old Beijingers' lifestyle. Sitting there cozily while immersing in Dawan Tea and traditional shadow plays, I just couldn't help marveling at the genius design and joyful life of our ancestors. Without doubt, once the government chooses to turn it down to make room for defined modern apartments or shopping malls, what a great loss of valuable cultural recognition forever, to both current and future generation!

Also, some apartments or temples that have witnessed the ups and downs in China for decades entail amazing esthetic value. One of the most attractive tourist sites in Amoy is the Gulang Island, where a large number of architectures vary greatly in styles, western and eastern. And many charming and elegant villas, museums on the islands are priceless treasures of our nation, which are none to the second in the world. Nature and culture perfectly combined, it's a paradise full of beauty! I believe that whatever the high technology can build, it's no match of our mother nature, our father history.

Some people may disagree with me by mentioning that the historical sites will slow our pace of economic development, a serious drawback outweighing their cultural and esthetic value. However, the fact is that if they are well protected, it will boost rather than depress our economy. Why do so many foreign tourists come to China each year---Because the Great Wall is there. Why do you travel to other places--- For difference. Therefore, if our government can make efforts on the preservation of some unique relics, our tourist income will be quite handsome.

In sum, holding to our ancient historic building is not an end, but a means to a better future with more brilliant culture, art, as well as economy. Our government should take some actions to preserve before lose these national treasure.

Crystaljoy

To 晨小依:

刚才查了牛津，发现你是对的，such as 紧跟总领的N。
改了下，用like ...as  such.

Initially, the vegetation, according to the professor, turned out to be more diverse after the Yellowstone fires. Thanks to the big fire, some new plants were created ，like the smaller plants which were adaptable to more open and wild space,  and some seeds of special species living only in a higher level heat as such.

prodliu

Today, a number of skyscrapers have been built up to replace the traditional historic building for the urbanization's sake. In Beijing, we catch less sight of Siheyuan（quadrangle） or Hutong（有逗号有which），which are deemed as space-consuming and necessary in modern society. While this may seem good to make an international metropolis out of an ancient capital city, it does bode ill in my eyes. And the preservation of our traditional historic building should be a priority for the government.(用prioritize是不是好一些)

As an ancient country with a brilliant history of more than 5000 years, China enjoys many historic relics，which should be well preserved as part of our national recognition. Take the Laoshe Tea House in Beijing for example, it not only symbolizes a place for entertainment, but also tells us a vivid story of the old Beijingers' lifestyle. Sitting there cozily while immersing in Dawan Tea and traditional shadow plays, I just couldn't help marveling at the genius design and joyful life of our ancestors. Without doubt, once the government chooses to turn it down to make room for defined modern apartments or shopping malls, what a great loss of valuable cultural recognition forever, to both current and future generation!

Also, some apartments or temples that have witnessed the ups and downs in China for decades entail amazing esthetic value. One of the most attractive tourist sites in Amoy is the Gulang Island, where a large number of architectures vary greatly in styles, western and eastern. And many charming and elegant villas, museums on the islands are priceless treasures of our nation, which are none to the second in the world. Nature and culture perfectly combined, it's a paradise full of beauty! I believe that whatever the high technology can build, it's no match of our mother nature, our father history.

Some people may disagree with me by mentioning that the historical sites will slow our pace of economic development, a serious drawback outweighing their cultural and esthetic value. However, the fact is that if they are well protected, it will boost rather than depress our economy. Why do so many foreign tourists come to China each year---Because the Great Wall is there. Why do you travel to other places--- For difference. Therefore, if our government can make efforts on the preservation of some unique relics, our tourist income will be quite handsome.

In sum, holding to our ancient historic building is not an end, but a means to a better future with more brilliant culture, art, as well as economy. Our government should take some actions to preserve before lose these national treasure.
基本上没有什么问题啦，几处值得我去借鉴的，摘抄写来了已经。

晨依Jacqueline

To 晨小依:

刚才查了牛津，发现你是对的，such as 紧跟总领的N。
改了下，用like ...as  such.

Initially, the vegetation, according to the professor, turned out to be more diverse after the Yellowstone fires. Thanks to the big fire, some new plants were created ，like the smaller plants which were adaptable to more open and wild space,  and some seeds of special species living only in a higher level heat as such.

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/4/4 12:35:33)

哇哇哇~鸟儿姐姐好严谨！晨依又学到新的用法了耶~~