写了篇作文，大家帮改改，还有帮估计一下我这个大概多少分呀~多谢啦

香草四叶

There is no denying that wether internet is a good thing for people is the basic problem that can not be circumvented by anybody, different people hold different views due to their different backgrounds and expriences.As far as i am concerend, i think it is a gift that make our life easier,it's cool. However, it is unfair to draw a quick conclusion without serious considerations. here's 3 reasons as rendered below.
First, wecan observe easily that in modern society, life is more convience with internet. Every morning i get up, the first thing is turn on my computer and get the lastest news all over the world. "Jobs steve is died","Yao Ming won a prize this morning",something like that.Quick and accurate. In old times, it is impossible. Now we don't waste our time in any store or shop. All we need to do is just move finger on the laptop and EMS will take what you need to you as soon as possible. It is great, i call it as "net age".
In the second place, the net servise us a platform to make new friends. when i was a boy, i can't control my imvironment. The people i met is limited. But nowadays, it is different. If i want, i can find millions people who like basketball in one minite. "Facebook"or"Renren" provide a place for anyone who wants to share their happiness and sadness. oh, my grilfrind lili, a beautiful girl in another city, we know each on the net. Thanks for my laptop. We can't fall in love with it.
Last but not least, someone may shout to me "don't you know many students play computer games intead of study?" Well, i know i know. However every good things will attract people. they have to control themslves, and no one can ignore the added convenience offered by internet. Such experience will definitely be helpful in one's life.
In conculsion, it must be explained that these 3 reasons sometimes intertwine to form a organic whole and thus become more persuasive than any one of them. Only these 3 reasons can make draw the conclusion that internet help us, not mention there are more.

yuikawada

第一段  by anybody, different，这是2个不同的句子需要连词。no denying 后面其实这个that 可以省的，但不省不错，different people hold different views due to their different backgrounds and expriences 这句话连用了3个different，我知道LZ的意思是不同的人持有各自的观点是因为他们各自的背景和经历。但是其实我们是否能用如various ，one'own之类的表达呢？As far as i am concerend, i think，这2东西都是表明观点可以用的，用1个就好了显得简洁些，2个的话语意有些重复。think 后面的 it应该使用完整名词，否则有指代不清的嫌疑。 ,it's cool，可以单独成句，不知是不是LZ手误少打了点东西，与前面无法连接。here's 3 reasons as rendered below.可有可无，但通观全文，此语显得生硬。建议LZ再引出观点部分多参考优秀范文。（先说一句，LZ打字错的太多了，最好复习时候同时练习打字，word一片红的）

第二段： convienceLZ想说的是convenient吗？the first thing is turn on my computer and get the lastest news all over the world.  LZ是不是口语说习惯了？ is后面就算表语从句也该是ing，否则要加to 最新的新闻不是lastest，我觉得这里应该是手误，但是all over the world 的表达非常 awkward，直接说BBC不就好了，老外还熟悉呢。乔布斯不是is died，他是was dead。想用动词可以直接用不加is 此处既然是举例，那么news后面直接冒号比较合适，,something like that.Quick and accurate.，请问你想修饰哪个？错误一，修饰不明，错误二 like后面只能跟名词。（莫非LZ口语非常的遛？） In old times, it is impossible. Now we don't waste our time in any store or shop 这里上一句说的是能听到快速准确的新闻，下面突然就说我们不用浪费时间在商店，没有衔接，上下文语意也推断不出。 All we need to do is just move finger on the laptop and EMS will take what you need to you as soon as possible. It is great, i call it as "net age". is后面同样用了动词原型，还有用了and 并列 你的平行在哪 is XXX和 wil XXX，显然不合适。如果想表达2个不同的语意，还是在and EMS，前面加个逗号吧。need to you 是不是少打个词？要不然你想表达EMS会把你需要的送到你哪的意思可能只有中国人能看明白吧。但还是其次，我仔细考量了下，发现带给你用take并不那么精确，take可以表示这意思，但他也没有方向性，我个人偏好bring 有一种方向性。 本段最大的缺陷，是LZ的举例。你想用news这个例子说明现在网络很方便了。但是缺乏detail，没什么说服力，很多东西都是一笔带过。

第三段：serves us a platform to make new friends service是名词，请用动词形式。serve有提供的意思，但和你想表达的提供有些距离，用offer不是更简单吗？ i can't control my environment. 这句话标准的中国是表达，LZ的意思大家明白，你想说环境因素你无法控制。但在外国人看来，这与你无法侵略地球同义，你明白吗。即是说，外国人看见这句话，他认为你无法主宰、改变、控制周围的环境，假如你可以，外国人会决定oh 上帝来了。请斟酌另一种表达方式。I have no choice where I live 是我提供的一种，可以表达我对于选择居住环境没有选择之类的意思，缺陷是后面须做说明。The people i met is limited 这句话看似平常其实awkward， 因为能发生歧义。我认为：这句话手可以表达我所遇见的人数量有限，（我想LZ应该想表达这意思吧） 也可以看做我遇见的这群人是被限制的，说得简单点，我能碰见的人只是特定的一群，被规定了只能meet这些people。其实可以这么说，I have no chance to make friends with many people 不就好了吗，句子简单，意思也明了。i can find millions people who like basketball in one minite find 是表示发现，如果LZ想表达通过网络能找到许多喜欢篮球的人请用find out millions of 正确 单独million不可以加s "Facebook"or"Renren"，我个人觉得人人就算了，外国人不知道人人网还好，知道了更糟，facebook是类似一种媒体一样的东西，人人是一个网站，or表示同等的平行关系，软件和网站能同等吗？要想这么用，可以加个非限制性定语从句。provide a place for anyone who wants to share their happiness and sadness. anyone 虽然只任何人，但定语从句规定anyXXX 后面都要跟that 。oh, my grilfrind lili, a beautiful girl in another city, we know each on the net. Thanks for my laptop. We can't fall in love with it. LZ这里不是练口语，举例请用至少for example ,for instance 之类的来接下文。去掉插入语 你女朋友lili 和we know 之间有啥联系？ 后面就是个完整的句子了。 你想说感谢XX，你们俩认识了，可以用thanks to 之类的，不是笔记本介绍你们俩认识的 - -！ 还有文章重点是网络吧，你提笔记本干嘛，不管你真实想法如何，行文切忌偏题，把tap top改成网络。最后要指出一点，坠入爱河直接fall in love 就ok with it 画蛇添足。还是说你俩想和笔记本一起恋爱？此段运用了对比，但由于第一段举例的失败，这段还是没有detail 。

第三段：shout to me ， 那人是想和你吵架吧。质疑有很多种说法 doubt cast a quetion 综合写作经常会用的refute weaken 等待。 instead of +doing还有引号里的句子和网络沾边吧，PC游戏不用Internet也可以玩。 i know. However every good things will attract people. they have to control themslves, and no one can ignore the added convenience offered by internet. 我怎么读这几个句子这么别扭，玩PC本来就无法从反面证明什么，因为topic是internet，他们需要自制，与你想驳斥的内容无关吧？这个理由太不能说明问题了。此外。本段提出internet的不好的地方是使人沉迷于游戏，衔接到ignore之后应该更自然些，建议LZ在CD多搞点起承转合之类的词汇扩充。最不着调的是沉溺游戏固然不对，但是不能忘记他的方便？merit ,advantage之类的更好些吧。又是泛泛而谈的一段。

最后段：开始LZ提了i think it is a gift that make our life easier,it's cool. However, it is unfair to draw 我还以为LZ是觉得网络不好，但LZ的2 3 4段 2+1写的是好，结尾也说以上理由就足够证明网络是好的，前后太矛盾了吧？ 语法错误什么我就不多说了，但是LZ的中心思想到底想表达什么？在结尾出发生了偏移，让人无措，这是个非常严重的问题！these 3 reasons sometimes intertwine to form a organic whole and thus become more persuasive than any one of them亦是矛盾，这已经显然证明LZ的三个例子结合起来能证明网络的好，但是如果LZ想表达简单说网络好太武断，以下例子不足说明证明网络好，开头就不可以这么写，总之这篇文章说实话 我估计2分有木有我都不知道因为我没得过2分。

再说说行文，LZ全篇写了也有364字。但是通篇泛泛而谈，举例也不甚详细，很vaue，流水账虽然有些过分了，但也差不多。例子和论述都比例相仿，体现不出重点。不要求你用高级词汇和复杂句，但是表达总不能单一吧？LZ好多地方都有口语的痕迹，暂时就这样吧。

zhinengbaobao

yuikawada 真是好人啊，这么细致的分析，我从中受教了。可惜楼主不知去哪里了，回复都没有。

cevf

坦白说，Lz的作文大概只有3分（总分5分来算）左右吧，内容很简单，不是很有说服力，然后delivery 也不怎么好，一开始说3个理由support 自己的观点，然后说了2个理由是positive的，第三个理由反而是反对的。如果是这样的话，我建议楼主不要说3个理由，就直接写。
我觉得lz的作文最大的问题是，老想着用些难的句子跟词语。这样反而让人看不懂。
我帮Lz的作文改一下，从新写一次，希望对你有用。希望来得及

Different people may hold different opinions towards the use of internet. Some people may find it convenient whereas others may find it opposite. However, as far as I concern, internet has made our life easier. In the following passage, I am going to discuss the reasons why I assert that internet is a gift for us.
我把lz第一句话改了，因为太长让人看不懂，而且语法都错的。然后我把“it is unfair to draw a quick conclusion" 删了，因为其实大部分人都认为internet 很方便，所以不算是unfair to draw this conclusion。因为没有unfair，大家都这么觉得。

看看LZ觉得我改的第一段如何，如果喜欢的话，可以留言或回复我，我再继续帮你改剩下的。这样不浪费时间。