作文交流贴 ISSUE 28---第四次写作以及心得兼求拍（自认为例子不错的哦）

jameszhm

1.开始重视字母大小写，减慢了速度。
2.开始注意逻辑的严密性，以防牛头不对马嘴。
3.开始注意每段开头的中心句。
4.依然觉得列提纲速度过慢，可能思维不够开阔，决定看《拯救新Gissue 》这本书拓展下，在看《newyorker》
5.依然打字速度过慢，龟爬。
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字数：470+ 时间：不计
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Issue 28

"The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers,artists,or cientists, but thegeneral welfare of all its people."
提纲

提纲：
1.国民福利好则能力强，提高国家影响力，以芬兰为例
2.不尊重国民福利只知道官员利益的政府连好下场都没有，以清朝为例
3.精英厉害并不一定代表国家的厉害，以苏联解体为例

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Does the ultimate indicator of a great nation comes as the general welfare of its people or the achievements of it rulers ,artists,or scientist?though it seems attempting to agree that the achievements of the elites would considerably represent the greatness of the nation, I strongly agree that the general welfare of its people would be more challeging and valuable.

As we all know that mass people would be the master of the nation instead of the elites ,this opinion lies my first agreement with the speaker .The high general welfare of the mass would be useful incentive to motivate the nations the engine to creat a greater country.We may take finland for example.The great welfare in Finland have been impressed to the rest of the world ,which the government have covered "from the gradle to grave".as the people there have enjoyed a enviable , as well as pleasant life ,their creativity have been motivated.Finland have ranked among the most creative countries in the europe ,largely thanks to the talents of the mass ,the technology in Finland have received world wide respect,and we are all familiar with the company NOKIA.The greatness of the country have been shaped by the creativity of its people as well as the general welfare of its people.

My second point supporting the speaker's idea would be the lesson leant through Chinese history: the government which have ignored the general welfare of the people would be abandoned by the game,in other words,the general welfare of the mass would be the teststone of the greatness of the nation.We are all taught by history of China that  the governers like the kings of Qing dynasty are busy enjoying the pleasure of their life as well as the game of power other than concerning the general welfare of its people, it's unquestioned that few hundreds late from its foundation, the dynasty have been overthrown by its radical democratics.

Thirdly,the achievements of the nation's elites do not necessarily mean the greatness of the nation.The reason would be self-evident that the money for improvement of the general welfare of the mass would be replace by other means by the elites, when the balance would be broken, the base of the nation would be destroyed.The collapse of the soviet would be the best example supporting this point.The success of the scientists in the soviet have left the American's behind in the aspect of astronomy especially.However,much to the balance of the nation on the science and welfare of its people have broken , the soviet have not been existed any more.

We believe what the Lincon have said :the nation is created of people , by people ,and for people,therefore The general welfare of the people  would be the paramout factor determining the greatness of the nation compared by the achievements of the elites .

ppguo

冷月也写了一篇，供你参考
http://forum.chasedream.com/GRE_Prep/thread-602037-1-1.html

ppguo

例子是不错哦，但是还是要狠狠拍。
1. 大部分国家的名字没有大写。
2. 你的第二个点，跟题目没有太大关系。题目说国家强盛的标志不是有多少杰出人才，而是国民富裕。你的第二点看起来只有一个例子，这个例子为了说明什么也没有说清楚。
3. 你的第一段跟写argument 很像。如果把第一段第二句话展开一些，会好很多。

冷月钟笛

以后有空就来拍你~

冷月钟笛

拍几点：
1. as the people there have enjoyed a enviable , as well as pleasant life ,their creativity have been motivated. 我没有看到这里面明确的因果关系，也许福利好为人们提供了良好的生活、教育、医疗，这些都是创造、发展的软实力条件，也许这才是导致创新能力不断发展的原因~ 联系写得可以尽量清晰些~
2. it's unquestioned that few hundreds late from its foundation, the dynasty have been overthrown by its radical democratics.~ 首先清朝的例子我觉得举得笼统，也不太恰当，康乾盛世，人民生活富足，历史学家甚至认为中华封建3000年，可以比的上康乾盛世的时代几乎没有，而即使是清代后世，也没有那么夸张，人民疾苦不已，客观地说还是中国制度的落后导致的必然衰败，是一种弱势文化没落的必然因果~ 另外，即使要用这个例子，清末时期的确官员腐败，民不聊生，加上鸦片祸国，人民精神与肉体具衰。但这些民生疾苦是怎样导致国家没落的？没有很好地解释清楚。最好对比当时出现的很多英才，多少天才成就，然后得出一个结论：即使有英才的成就，如果民生罔顾，国家依然没落。这样比较好
3. 文章有点凌乱，最好有一些核心句子引导，用一定的linking连贯起来~

radon121

问个问题，文章的观点最好要用1，2，3这样明显的标出来吗？

snowmelt

lz，我也刚刚开始准备作文，写一篇极其慢，而且没有思路。
这个题目我也写了个提纲。我们一起加油！

1. Admittedly, the welfare of the general people should be the  destination of all achievements of social elites.  If not, the so-called "achievements" won't last long. For example, ....贡献不从大众出发的反例

2. However, the achievements of elites are also important indicators of a great nation because the achievements are mostly the reasons for the welfare of the general people. 举elites的重要贡献方便了人们的生活。如果没有这些贡献，人民没有这些福利，从而不能称之为a great nation.

3. The achievements and general welfare of all the people are not exclusive, they are actually interrelated.  Elites and general people are not separate groups. All elites' effective achievements are finally used to serve the general people. For example, ... On the other hand, daily life are sometimes the source of achievements. 人民的生活是创造的源泉。政治上，没有anarchists对人民的剥削就不会有democracy society；艺术上，很多作品都源于社会生活的灵感；科学上，没有人民的需求就没有很多发明创造，即使有了，也没有市场。

冷月钟笛

不一定，个人习惯不同，只是方便阅读，coherence的使用方法不限于1 2 3 4~

沁水公主

今天也在写这篇，不错！

ppguo

写好了也帖上来瞧瞧吧。