求助作文指点

zhang

我一直就特别担心我的作文，在复习过程中我花了大量时间（我想应该有1/4或1/3的时间吧）在作文上，但还是感觉进步不大，于是总不敢去报名参加考试

现我将我在做pp3模拟题时写的两篇作文copy如下，请各位给我指点一下，并给我评评分，看我是否可以参加考试了，我的要求不高，别低于4分就行。(在此小妹先谢过各位了)

1."A business should not be held responsible for providing customers with complete information about its products or services; customers should have the responsibility of gathering information about the products or services they may want to buy."

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above.  Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

Should a business be responsible for providing customers with complete information about its products or services or should customers themselves find some ways to obtain detail information about the products or services they want to buy? In my opinion, a business is not willing to ,or unable to, provide complete information about its products or services, and thus customers have better make efforts to access to some relevant information about the products or services. I base my conclusion on two main reasons.

First, In today's business environment, it is unrealitic for a business to provide customers with complete information due to the consideration of business secrets or other factors. On the one hand, a business usually is not willing to public completely all information for fear of the disclosing its business secrets and hence lose the competitive edge in its area. On the other hand, consider so colorful products marked today's business, a business are equally unable to provide complete information.

Second, it is at the best interests for customers to obtain relevant information about the products or services they may want to buy. Obviously, it is the customers themselves who know clearly what kinds of the products they realy need. To maximize its profits, a business will certainly advertise some products or services, and such avertisement is enough for customers to access related new and advanced products or services. Then, customers can find some products or services that are the exact what they need.

In conclusion, from the discussion mentioned above, we can safely draw the conclusion that customers should not wait for businesses to provide them compelet products or services information and should find some way to obtain relevant information about products or services.

2.The following appeared in a magazine article on trends and lifestyles.

"In general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses.  Walk into the Heart's Delight, a store that started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours in the 1960's, and you will also find a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content.  Next door, the owners of the Good Earth Café, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making a modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument.  In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument.  For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion.  You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

In this argument, the arguer concludes that in general, people are not as concerned as they were ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheese. In support of the conclusion, the arguer reasons that Heart's Delight, a store that started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours in in the 1960's, has more selection of cheese made with high butterfat content. In addition, the arguer asserts that owners of an old vegetarian restaurant, Good Earth cafe, are still making a modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires. There are some merits in this argument, however, it suffers from several critical flaws.

First, the case in one particular region does not represent the case in general. To support the argument, all the evidence the arguer provides is one particular region. Obviously, such evidence can not represent the case in general. Thus, the conclusion that in general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses is open to doubt.

Second, the arguer unfairly assumes that the better lives of the owners of the new House of Beef than those of the owners of the vegetarian restaurant are only due to the fact that people perfermance. There are many other factors may be responsible for such results. For example, it is possible that the owners of Beef store inherit a huge of money from his or her parents. Or perhaps he or she is good at business. If so, the evidence provided by the arguer can not support the conclusion.

In conclusion, the arguer fails to convince us that in general, people, are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. To strengthen the argument, the arguer has to provides more precise information about the case in other place and the actual reason for the better lives of the owners of Beef store.

enjoylife517

你这个是AWA中的issue吧。托福作文很大不同。所以这里有两个问题需要指出：

1、内容还是不够丰富。两个理由，如果没有加上让步，又不能充分展开，体现不出对文字掌握的能力。

2、托福中，并不是说复合句越多越好，特别是开头的句子，实在太长了，需要改写成短些的问句。所以但反而是表达清楚的句子，容易满足要求。

建议，看看置顶的资料指南中关于作文的材料，推荐TWE-185，但里面的范文还是偏短，注意扩充。写TWE不用跟AWA相同，写得平实一些反而容易发挥。多想想理由就好了。

cucu

一点提醒:

注意单, 复数问题.  注意时态问题.  写完后一定要留一点时间检查整篇文章, 看看有没有一些小错误, 如: 大小写问题, 拼字问题等.

可试写一些较复杂的句型, 让文章有变化, 会有加分效果.

zhang

非常感谢，我也发现自己有一个毛病，情急之中不能倘然的表达自己的思想，于是容易一个从句套一个从句，弄得很复杂化了，呵呵。谢谢！

enjoylife517

作文无他，多练就好！