（急）issue瓶颈，求助！！！

zhixuanw

issue练习了也好几篇，专门去批改过，可分数总停留在5，在文章展开的逻辑结构和切题方面总是达不到6分要求，因为是在网上通过书面批改形式，所以总是不知道自己这方面到底差在哪里，具体应该怎样提高，在此想请教下大家，有没有用来提高逻辑结构和切题的方法。以下附上我的一篇5分文章，希望大家提供帮助和建议，谢谢！
(题目)As technologies and the demand for certain services change, many workers will lose their jobs. The responsibility for those people to adjust to such change should belong to the individual worker, not to government or to business.
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.
（文章）In modern society, fast developing technologies render not only benefits, but also conjunctures to workers. To be consistent with the development of technologies and increasing public demands, certain services have to transform themselves, which leads to inevitable unemployment. As far as I am concerned, although individual workers should be self adjust to counter this undesirable consequence, the responsibility of government or business should not be neglected.(66)
It is true that workers should aware that once idleness occurs, those most directly affected by this misfortune are the individuals(21). Since workers are their own master, they should take a grave view of their lives and careers(17). Nowadays our society offers a wide variety of training for experienced workers, who intend to follow the paces of social development, to obtain diverse skills such as foreign language course which can be applied to hotel employees before their hotels intend to attract foreign visitors(45). With such kind of advantages, individuals should develop a good attitude about self-responsibility to implement active self-examination and eventually escape from passive positions(23).(106)

However, in the mean time business is inextricably linked to this predicament in that it is business which directly dismisses groups of staffs in accordance with technological changes and service updates(31). No one can deny that business growth is primarily derived from the creation of surplus value by workers and their commitment(21). When businesses pursue their own progress, isn’t necessary that they give some consideration to those individuals who have made substantial contributions to what they are today(26)? If a corporation provides advanced courses for its employees, what they would receive would not only be appreciation from their employees, but also be a saving of resources, when these resources are originally planned to recruit new staffs who have no idea about the corporate culture (46).(124)

Moreover, government shouldn’t look on with a critical eye(9). As the custodian of the whole society, it ought to assume its own function, such as guaranteeing social well being for everyone(22). In addition, no individual and business can compete with government which can mobilize public resources to sponsor workers who need to undertake self improvement programs in order to be competent for their new jobs(34). Through mass media, government can also publish official information on industrial developing trends, job opportunities and relevant training to accommodate individuals(21).(84)

It is therefore my believe that although workers should engage in improving themselves under the pressure of industry reform, business as well as government play a significant role in ensuring that individuals are able to adjust themselves to industrial advancements by furnishing training, social resources and statistical information. (48)


（共计：432字）


It is true that workers should aware that once idleness occurs, those most directly affected by this misfortune are the individuals(21). Since workers are their own master, they should take a grave view of their lives and careers(17). Nowadays our society offers a wide variety of training for experienced workers, who intend to follow the paces of social development, to obtain diverse skills such as foreign language course which can be applied to hotel employees before their hotels intend to attract foreign visitors(45). With such kind of advantages, individuals should develop a good attitude about self-responsibility to implement active self-examination and eventually escape from passive positions(23).(106)

However, in the mean time business is inextricably linked to this predicament in that it is business which directly dismisses groups of staffs in accordance with technological changes and service updates(31). No one can deny that business growth is primarily derived from the creation of surplus value by workers and their commitment(21). When businesses pursue their own progress, isn’t necessary that they give some consideration to those individuals who have made substantial contributions to what they are today(26)? If a corporation provides advanced courses for its employees, what they would receive would not only be appreciation from their employees, but also be a saving of resources, when these resources are originally planned to recruit new staffs who have no idea about the corporate culture (46).(124)

Moreover, government shouldn’t look on with a critical eye(9). As the custodian of the whole society, it ought to assume its own function, such as guaranteeing social well being for everyone(22). In addition, no individual and business can compete with government which can mobilize public resources to sponsor workers who need to undertake self improvement programs in order to be competent for their new jobs(34). Through mass media, government can also publish official information on industrial developing trends, job opportunities and relevant training to accommodate individuals(21).(84)

It is therefore my believe that although workers should engage in improving themselves under the pressure of industry reform, business as well as government play a significant role in ensuring that individuals are able to adjust themselves to industrial advancements by furnishing training, social resources and statistical information. (48)


（共计：432字）