2009.10.10独立作文练习 求点评

terry9115

是第一次练 有点生 超了点时 请各位大大拍砖！！拍的越狠越好
Do you agree the following statement?
It was easier to achieve success in the past than it is today.


Success is something that most people desire for, whether in the past or now. In the long history of human progress, there are many people who have got startling success, and their ways lead to the destination is different. In my opinion, contradict to the point it was easier to achieve success in the past than it is today, it will be easier to success in modern society because of these reasons below.
To begin with the first one, I would like to talk about the education availability in comparison of different period. In the past years, universities were signature of where people from rich and reputable families assembled. The poor want to attend university over the past might only dream. In the contrary, universities open to aspirant students all over the world nowadays, and fundamental education for children is guaranteed by governments. That means young people would have more open mind and innovating thinking, which could be one of the crucial factors of being successful.
In the second place, another persuasive reason is that more opportunities are offered in modern society. Result from the development to market economy happens worldwide, more jobs are provided. For example, since China’s accession to WTO, there were 11740000 job opportunities added to the market annually. Furthermore, the developing outsourcing industry also created a great deal of jobs for people.
That means more approaches to success are clear at a glance. If you can see that, you can understand it more deeply.
Finally, as the fast growing pressure for people from the advancing society, people will have the built-in urge to move forward. That would be the major emotional factor leads to success, which are quite pivotal. Survival is no longer a easy topic for people, especially for Chinese, in contrast to people who were guaranteed by the government over the past decades. It was said:” More enterprise leads to more success.”, and now the conclusion is obvious.In conclusion, although the title statement might still raise disagreement among different people, it’s clear at the moment when taking into all the reasons above-mentioned. These points intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become persuasive, we can arrive at the conclusion that it is easier to achieve success today than it was before.

sdcar2010

Success is something that most people desire for, whether in the past or now. In the long history of human progress, there arewere many people who havehad got startling success, and their ways leadleading to the destination is were different. In my opinion, contradict contrary to the point that it was easier to achieve success in the past than it is today, it will beis easier to successsucceed in the modern society because of these reasons below.
To begin with the first oneFirst of all, I would like to talk about the education availability in comparison of different periodperiods. In the past years, universities were signature of where people from rich and reputable families assembled college education was a sympbol of wealth and fame as well as a person's social status. The poor want who wanted to attend university over the past might only relish that feat in their dream. In the contrary contrast, universities open to aspirantaspiring students all over the world nowadays, and fundamental education for children is guaranteed by governments. That means young people would have more open mindopenmindness and innovatinginnovative thinking, which could be one of the crucialfactors  contribute to of being successful translate into more success.
In the second placeSecondly, another persuasive reason is that there are more opportunities are offered in modern society. Resultfrom theSince the development due to market economy happens worldwide, more jobs are providedcreated. For example, since China’s accessionadmission to WTO, there werehave been117400001,174,000more job opportunities added to the Chinese market annually. Furthermore, the developing outsourcing industry also created a great deal of jobs for people.
That means more approaches to success are clear at a glance (what do you mean???). If you can see that, you can understand it more deeply (Typical Chinglish). Finally, as a result of the fast growing pressure for people from the advancingadvanced society, people will have the built-in urge to move forward. That would be the major emotional factor which leads to success, which are quite pivotal. Survival is no longer aan easy topic for people, especially for Chinese, in contrast to people who were guaranteed a successful life by the government over the past decades. It was said:” More enterprise leadsenterprises lead to more successsuccesses.”, and now the conclusion is obvious.In conclusion, although the title statement might still raise disagreement among different people, it’s clear at the moment when taking into all the reasons above-mentioned. These points intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become persuasive, we can arrive at the conclusion that it is easier to achieve success today than it was before.

terry9115

谢谢！我会好好体会的！

terry9115

有一个问题 That would be the major emotional factor which leads to success, which are quite pivotal. 这里两个WHICH不太好，该怎么改？

sdcar2010

which are (is) quite pivotal

This which defines which noun?

terry9115

factor?