菜鸟写AA, 巨烂，憋了好长时间写的，一点底没有，给NN们看看。

kunming

RT，才开始写AA, 读完题就比较晕，凑出一篇来，实在是太不容易了，请各位NN给看看，实在是一点底没有，随便说几句都行，谢过个位了！


The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life.
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies.”
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The conclusion of the argument is that corporation should look to the Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. In support this conclusion, the author cites the general principle that the unemployment in Helios was lower than that of average region. This principle, coupled with the fact that Helios provided more manufacture jobs historically. However, close scrutiny of each of the fact reveals that none of these facts bring credible support to prove this conclusion. This argument is problematic in several aspects.

In the first place, the author assumes that a low unemployment will let Helios to be an place with more opportunities than other place. However, no information and specifics are provided to bolster this assumption and to establish this correlation. As a matter of fact, it is quite likely that other facts will have an great impact on the business opportunities. For example, the legislation and the tax are also the facts that influence the whole business situation. Without information regarding these further facts, it is presumptuous to make the conclusion that unemployment can ensure more opportunities in Helios.

In the second place, another flaw in this argument is the author's use of the evidence pertaining the particular companies in place Helios as the basis of the general situation. Even if the reasoning of these companies may be sounded in Helios, this situation can not represent that all kinds of companies can experience the same consequence if they all chose Helios. It is quite likely that some of the companies' strategy can not match well with Helios’s situation. On the onther hand, we can see that Helios will no longer be an attractive place when all companies come here, because the resource in Helios is limited and the competition among companies will be more serious once more companies move here.

As it stands, this argument is not compelling. The evidence the author cites is insufficient to convince the conclusion since it does not address the assumption I have already raised. Ultimately, this argument might have been more convincing if by making it clear that the low unemployment and the new business opportunity have a tight casual relationship and that Helios is a place where all kinds of company can develop well here.

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mikeandy

我觉得写得不错~~~

kunming

谢谢猫兄，刚开始实在是很不会写啊，找两个逻辑错误够吗？

gingkotreezlt

建议你不要看中国人写的模板，很害人的，老美写的简单明了，多看几篇总结一些，就是自己的东西了

gingkotreezlt

另外，每段的开头不够好，这个开头中国人都用烂了，我的经验是，开门见山最好。

kunming

我理解你的意思了LS，多谢指点，我尽量做到模板痕迹不要太重，争取通过练习脱离模板，多谢！