作文得了18分，大家给诊断下：

wi_snow

11月1日考试，作文只得了18分，沮丧万分都不敢再二战了~ 大家帮我看看，这个作文的问题出在哪里了？我把平时练习贴在这里：

独立写作：

The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.



Nowadays, whenever we turn our gaze we could see there are so many changes in our life. When I were faced with the issue of what changes should remembered, I believe that the birth of computer is the one. In the following discussion, I would like to reason and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.



The main reason of the argument that I support is that computer as the most important tools changed the communicating way dramatically. It is because of the change, people considering the computer as the main tool and skill not only in life but in work as well, that the communicating way changed a lot. Facts witness and present many examples. Compared to the time without computer, people like to chat via QQ system, communicate by e-mail, and call others by means of net phone. Could you imagine a life without computer? I think the evidence above is very persuasive.



Another head and chief reason that I choose to put here to support my viewpoint is that it is because of the birth of computer that our society becomes an informative one. Examples may be given easily. You could find anything anywhere in anytime. The famous web sites, Google, Baidu and Yahoo give us everything we want to know. Fact that our world is becoming smaller and smaller because of information exploring has shown itself to be true that we have to say the birth of computer is the most important change throughout the history. If you could see that, you could understand me deeply.



In addition, I am a firm believer that the birth of computer creates much more opportunities for us. A good case is that people do not need to go to college for a bachelor degree nowadays, what they need to do is buy a computer, sit in front of the screen and register a college course. It is so easy, isn’t it? When such factors are examined, we may safely reach the point that although there is some change is by no means unimportant, yet the birth of computer is the greatest one that should be remembered.



To sum up, the birth of computer has changed the communicating way in our daily life, make our world an informative one and create more opportunities such as on-line course and on-line stores. Taking account of these factors, we may reach the conclusion that the birth of computer is the one that we should remembered.  

综合写作：

The lecture apparently reinforces the points illustrated in the reading material. According to the professor, the purpose and ways of tourism is different between old time and modern times. Meanwhile, the reading passage contends a similar stand that tourists do not take trips in search of resources but for cultural, educational, and scientific purpose.



To begin with, the main point the professor uses to enhance the reading is that the purpose of tourism has been changed, which is just the same as the statement in the reading. Furthermore, the lecturer emphases that the famous person- Hemingway made great influential in tourism. In order to demonstrate his statement, the professor persuades us with some evidence which is accordance with the reading. The professor gives us a example of travler heros---Hemingway. As a travel heroes and adventor, his book inspires people to travel far away for adventure.  



In addition, the professor goes on to discuss the issue that the travel purpose and ways change a lot in modern time. In accordance with the lecture, modern people travel for pleasure, personal growth. Some new kinds of tourism is growing--ethnic traveling and environmental tourism. When people take trip for ethnic purpose, they want to go some places far away, then they could find some tradition culture-dances, songs and so on. Meanwhile, environmental tourism is new way for tourism in which people go some place for preserving it not for killing it, that's very different from what people do before.



In conclusion, all these evidences of the lecture illustrate that the professor gives a boost to the points discussed in reading material.  

ppcat_df

You could find anything anywhere in anytime.....乱了

wanting317

呃，独立写作貌似语法和句式比较乱～

像这么长的话根本不需要啊

Another head and chief reason that I choose to put here to support my viewpoint is that。。。


实话说，理由和例子也比较局限
楼主加油！