敬请高手修改备T以来第一篇超时完成的作文——社区内建高中同不同意

hellorhino

作文从来就差。。。主要是语法学的很够呛
这是准备T以来的第一篇作文，超时很多而且也不知道对不对路子
希望哪位同是TOEFL备考人帮忙看看 提点儿建议啥的

题
目是 It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built
in your community, Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use
specific reasons and details in your answer.

Thx a lot …………^^


    

    

文章如下：

    

Recently, the problem
of teenager schooling has been brought to public attention in our community. As
to me, I'll totally agree with the significant idea of establishing a new high
school in our neighborhood, which would obviously bring a lot of benefits.

    

 

    

Among all the
advantages setting a new high school in our community will bring us, the most
notable one must be its convenience. Teenagers would no longer waste their time
squeezing into buses during rush hours, because they can simply walk to the
newly-built school where is quite near. To put it into a further step, it is
quite normally to see a teenager dozing on class after an exhausted battle on
bus for hours. Well, if we'll set a high school just in our community, we may
easily draw a conclusion that this unpleasant scene on class would be rare to
see. Besides, it would save their precious time on the way to school, or to go
back home. For that saved time, whether they want to use it for improving
studies by reading or for strengthening their body by outdoor exercises would
be just nice and recommendable.

    

 

    

Another reason makes me
go for the plan is the safety of teenagers would be greatly guaranteed as they’ll
do everything just near their homes. We must face the undeniable fact that
everyday we’ll easily read some horrible news about car accident, or teenager robbery
and so on. As to the robbery, alone the stolen money, how could the youth bear
the deeply mental suffering of the dark experience? And as to those car
accidents, how much time we’ve pitied for the young age casualty while ceaselessly
felicitating it had not happened on our kids. If their high school was just
near their home, that ghastful news would seem far to us as they’d no longer be
drifted into the chaotic streets everyday. While under the protection of safety
guards, it would be way difficult for the bandit to access those students. Surely
I know teenagers should walk their own way to see a bigger world but not always
under protecting wings. But as in my point of view, nothing is more important
than their life and health, without which, they could hardly do anything.

    

 

    

The last reason for my
approval is that with most of the classmates living in the neighborhood,
teenagers would not easily feel isolated as they do now. Take my younger brother
for instance; he is now studying at a key high school sited in the city center
where is famous for the superior level of faculty and facilities. But the problem
is that after school, he could not see any of his schoolmates whether to
discuss an academic problem or to go out for fun because people in this school
live everywhere so that they could just meet each other on class. I really
concern this——What if he lost his ability to communicate with others? Because
in this society, to learn how to communication is way too important than just
learning from books. So, the community high school is quite necessary because
students can be combined wherever they are, so that they can easily share
opinions and thoughts.

    

 

    

Clearly, all the
analysis leads to an unshakeable consequence that it will be great to set a new
high school in our community. Besides all the reasons discussed above, it is
always right for a country to pay more attention on its education, without
which the country could hardly develop rapidly. And it’s more gratifying for
most of the dwellers to see the void space turning into a high school rather
than a noisy and messy factory or something else.

    

wflsjohnda

很好呀