[原创]最后的UNC也被拒了，全军覆没。希望DX指点

weiwei20

I should say the tone, grammers and structure in your essay are not professional or good. Plus it's not impressive. You should have asked people to revise the essay.

stq

you need major rework on your essays...

hellokitty22

以下是引用thli88在2008-3-19 17:10:00的发言：

大家看看我的Goal 是否有大漏洞：

I have a long term plan to build up my own software company in IT industry. China has so many talents of software engineering, but China dose not own world famous software companies. While, India’s software industry have boomed up and cultivated many well-known native software firms, such as InfoSys and Satyam. On the other side, foreign software and solution companies, such as SAP, Oracle and Microsoft ,almost occupied China’s software industry. Ironically, they hosted their R&D centers in China and hired a bunch of Chinese engineers. I aspire to take the responsibility to alter the situation and foster a world-class software service provider from China.

 

 

For this goal, first of all, I should build and sharpen my business capabilities before 35 years old. In Intel, I inspired my potential and learned a lot about various leadership styles, effective team work, customer orientation, and business operation. Especially, Intel’s open and global working environment cultivated me to be a pro-active and initiative guy with global thinking. However, only a MBA program can offer me systematic business management trainings to improve my general skill-sets of international business operation. Secondly, I need a business co-partner, who are smart and passion. In a top MBA school, it will be easy to get this task done. Thirdly, I should find out the venture capital to support the setup of my business. So I prefer study in US for my MBA program, where it is relatively easier to get capital support.

several weaknesses I have observed.

1) although the first paragraph is good, it is def too long. Afterall, this is a goal essay, not an industry report. You should have very succinctly given a brief introduction of the current sitatuation of chinese IT market.

2) second paragraph, I would not specificly say " i want to achieve so and so BEFORE 35 YEARS OLD"... I know in Asian culture, people are inclined to say I want to achieve certain things before certain age". However, I think it is a bit odd in a goal essay. From my perspective, It makes a reader feel a little uncomfortable and does not sound very professional

3) "Secondly, I need a business co-partner, who are smart and passion. In a top MBA school, it will be easy to get this task done. " I agree that people seek partners and want to build professional network in bschool, but it is not "easily" achievable...

Above are just some general feedbacks after the initial read of your goal essay. At this point, i cannot articulate how you could improve those. Maybe you can spend sometime to polish your goals and why MBA?

hope this helps!

ludongbin

以下是引用thli88在2008-3-19 17:10:00的发言：

大家看看我的Goal 是否有大漏洞：

I have a long term plan to build up my own software company in IT industry. China has so many talents of software engineering, but China dose not own world famous software companies. While, India’s software industry have boomed up and cultivated many well-known native software firms, such as InfoSys and Satyam. On the other side, foreign software and solution companies, such as SAP, Oracle and Microsoft ,almost occupied China’s software industry. Ironically, they hosted their R&D centers in China and hired a bunch of Chinese engineers. I aspire to take the responsibility to alter the situation and foster a world-class software service provider from China.

 

 

For this goal, first of all, I should build and sharpen my business capabilities before 35 years old. In Intel, I inspired my potential and learned a lot about various leadership styles, effective team work, customer orientation, and business operation. Especially, Intel’s open and global working environment cultivated me to be a pro-active and initiative guy with global thinking. However, only a MBA program can offer me systematic business management trainings to improve my general skill-sets of international business operation. Secondly, I need a business co-partner, who are smart and passion. In a top MBA school, it will be easy to get this task done. Thirdly, I should find out the venture capital to support the setup of my business. So I prefer study in US for my MBA program, where it is relatively easier to get capital support.

看了第一句就不录取你，跑UNC来干嘛啊。下面几句更是不理解，去印度取经或者跳槽不是更好吗？原来还是在Intel工作的，搞搞芯片外包比较合适吧？你来找partner和VC也没什么不可以，可好歹吹吹我们的校友文化和团队吧（这正是我觉得你不该来UNC的地方），总之，整个不make sense，we can not help you

再不客气点，英文太一般了（其实已经很客气了），没事多读点原汁原味的英文吧，你说的那几个公司的网站好好看看比什么都强，行业网站就不用说了

结合你说的谈谈我自己的观点，不一定对，逻辑是这样的：

老子想在中国搞软件，可在中国发展软件业面临很现实的问题（虽然。。。但是。。。），印度和跨国企业却在世界范围和中国如鱼得水（其实这两个不该一起谈，不是一码事），仔细一看一打听一分析，原来人家有一堆TOP MBA毕业的青年才俊（比如infosys去年从美国招了18个，ms招了27个），所以我想出来读个MBA，正好遇见一个UNC毕业在Oracle China（看着编）的，相见恨晚，布拉布拉

loscynthia

 essay写得不是一般的差啊。。。。不好意思说得太直白了

从语言能力来说，写的不是english, 是chinglish，这里的人看得懂是因为大家懂中文，不懂中文的人读了可能云里雾里，举个例子：“I inspired my potential and learned a lot about various leadership styles, effective team work, customer orientation..." ------ 英文里有这么说话的嘛 。。。

从结构来说，通常老美比较喜欢一种八股文：第一段点出主题，说清楚你的goal是什么，一目了然，别人一看马上知道主题，这一段短小精悍，对这种短文来说一两句话即可；第二段是body，可以详细解释一下你的goal，它的产生过程，你打算如何实践，可能的结果，等等；第三段conclusion，也是短小精悍，一句或两句话即可，画龙点睛地总结并升华一下你的goal

从沟通能力来说，逻辑欠缺，缺乏说服力。虽然能够明白你的意思，但是不觉得中间有什么联系。你把goal和念mba联系起来这一点很好，但联系得太牵强了。比如，你要做某某事在35岁之前，不明白这个和去念mba有什么联系，因为你这里貌似强调的是年龄了，而非capabilities。（这里再重复一下写作结构，当你要说第一点第二点第三点这种东西的时候，切记你的first of all, secondly等词后面跟的是topic sentence)  其次你去念mba是为了找个partner，看起来很weird，你甚至可以发广告找一个吧？你可以说多认识一些人，发展networking之类，但只为了找个partner...... : (    最后关于你认为在美国学习就比较容易找capital support，只是你一厢情愿的想法，也许是你的美国梦，不过admission office的人不会认同。

最后一点，政治方向要正确啊。你在第一段花了大量篇幅来说印度和其它软件公司如何如何，而中国就如何如何，所以你要如何挽救中国的软件产业。你这段思想如果申请中国国内的学校，也许学校会觉得你思想觉悟很好，可惜你申请的是美国的学校。这里犯了两个错误。1. 当你说到印度等其他国家公司，读起来的感觉是你用的是negative口吻，对于一个全球招生的商学院，会很反感看到这种国界“歧视”和狭隘民族主义；2. 你的goal只是为了振兴中华软件产业，对抗印度或美国等其他国家软件公司，不仅属于狭隘民族主义，并且你不要忘了，中国事实上一直是美国的敌对国家，不少美国人有仇华情结，审核你essay的基本全是美国人，他们不一定喜欢看到你声称你要如何振兴中华。通常人们想看到的是，一个全球化无国界无狭隘民族情绪的世界人才，为地球发展为全球经济作出贡献。你赤裸裸地说“foreign software and solution companies almost occupied China's software industry... I aspire to take the responsibility to alter the situation..." 除了看到你狭隘的民族主义情绪，你对世界经济发展有什么贡献？一个全球招生的美国学校为什么要收你？就为了帮助你赶跑（假设你能成功）在中国的印度,美国软件公司？

ok, 综上所述，你的essay很幼稚。今年大改之后再申请吧，good luck!

以下是引用thli88在2008-3-19 17:10:00的发言：

大家看看我的Goal 是否有大漏洞：

I have a long term plan to build up my own software company in IT industry. China has so many talents of software engineering, but China dose not own world famous software companies. While, India’s software industry have boomed up and cultivated many well-known native software firms, such as InfoSys and Satyam. On the other side, foreign software and solution companies, such as SAP, Oracle and Microsoft ,almost occupied China’s software industry. Ironically, they hosted their R&D centers in China and hired a bunch of Chinese engineers. I aspire to take the responsibility to alter the situation and foster a world-class software service provider from China.

For this goal, first of all, I should build and sharpen my business capabilities before 35 years old. In Intel, I inspired my potential and learned a lot about various leadership styles, effective team work, customer orientation, and business operation. Especially, Intel’s open and global working environment cultivated me to be a pro-active and initiative guy with global thinking. However, only a MBA program can offer me systematic business management trainings to improve my general skill-sets of international business operation. Secondly, I need a business co-partner, who are smart and passion. In a top MBA school, it will be easy to get this task done. Thirdly, I should find out the venture capital to support the setup of my business. So I prefer study in US for my MBA program, where it is relatively easier to get capital support.

李大衛

这篇essay文法需要小修    但并没有什么太大问题

语气平铺直叙也没什么不好

BW上的录取sample很多都是这样的语气

长程目标有大方向

讲到大陆与印度趋势都很好

不过以上状况都无关紧要



主要问题有几大点

一是大陆与印度有这些趋势, 只是总体经济面

跟您个人生涯的关系为何?  要有细部的个人动机结合



二是为什么这样的趋势, 要由您来执行这样的目标?您有什么个人能力, 或特别经历与其他竞争者区隔?

为什么十几亿人要由您来执行, 而不是别人?  您跟别人有什么不同? 要詳細解釋
这篇essay主要问题就是几乎可以套在其他十亿人身上,没有很强的个人独特性与区隔



三是没有明确的细部目标与具体实践方式

您讲的方向很大, 您有什么细部目标与计画

能一将大方向目标完成?  必须要有break down细目



四是定义模糊

software太多了, 您要讲出是哪种software

而为什么是这种software

市场在哪为什么有这市场?  可能因为某某趋势或市场需求

您的公司要多大规模  十人 五十人  一百人   各要哪些人才

资金来源为何...等等

这些基础条件要先定义好之后

跟您现在的能力与资源有何差异?

找出中间的gap以后, 才会具体知道需要加强哪些部分

是需要marketing?  还是需要finance?  还是需要entrepreneurship?

必须要把这些细目都定义清楚

才会发现是否欠缺MBA讯练, 而需要的是MBA的哪些部份

又为什么是UNC, 非UNC不可

UNC强项并不在entrepreneurship

而是在marketing communication

而且非常强

但跟您本身的目标与现状 都还没有任何证据能够结合

您必须要将这些证据明确列出

並且找對學校

才会有面试机会并且进而录取



第五是对生涯未来有预设前提

为什么会出现一个转折点在三十五岁

不是三十三岁或三十八岁?

需要有个理由或证据, 不能无中生有

然后回到定义模糊的问题

您所指的business capability是哪些

要有明细

您可以说需要有managing people & leadership能够带领企业团队

要有marketing research能力才能知道市场在哪

要有finance basics and investment fundamentals让您知道如何周转资金

IT product development & project management让您能够开发新软体产品

并且对产品开发做专案管理...等等

您下头讲到的这段就相当接近:

In Intel, I inspired my potential and learned a lot about various leadership styles, effective team work, customer orientation, and business operation. Especially, Intel’s open and global working environment cultivated me to be a pro-active and initiative guy with global thinking.

不过没讲完

要再往下延伸

例如要把customer orientation定义更精细完整

customer orientation的目的是为了capitalize feasible profit

并且跟学校课程结合

所以你需要UNC的consumer behavior, 来知道消费者到底在想什么

以及market research来找出市场需求

您后面这段Especially, Intel’s open and global working environment cultivated me to be a pro-active and initiative guy with global thinking. However, only a MBA program can offer me systematic business management trainings to improve my general skill-sets of international business operation.

就满抽象

不太知道您的pro-active and initiative定义是什么
为什么会需要这些特质

又为什么这会需要MBA训练

您可以换一种更具体的讲法

并且能够实际与MBA课程结合

也是您人生的真实生涯

不然即使念完也没办法派上用场



最后一点是外求于人

找co-partner没问题

但是这个人似乎比您的能力更为强大

若是这样, 您本身的价值将会相对降低

又这样的co-partner如果真的要这样找

直接飞到学校附近旅行几天, 到学校酒吧喝几杯交交朋友就行了

不需要念个MBA这么大投资



简单讲是需要具体细项目标, 与执行方式

并跟个人独特性与生涯方向结合

再解释学校的细项特性来做结合

这样就会录取

[此贴子已经被作者于2008-3-20 8:06:27编辑过]

thli88

以下是引用loscynthia在2008-3-20 5:41:00的发言：

 essay写得不是一般的差啊。。。。不好意思说得太直白了

从语言能力来说，写的不是english, 是chinglish，这里的人看得懂是因为大家懂中文，不懂中文的人读了可能云里雾里，举个例子：“I inspired my potential and learned a lot about various leadership styles, effective team work, customer orientation..." ------ 英文里有这么说话的嘛 。。。

从结构来说，通常老美比较喜欢一种八股文：第一段点出主题，说清楚你的goal是什么，一目了然，别人一看马上知道主题，这一段短小精悍，对这种短文来说一两句话即可；第二段是body，可以详细解释一下你的goal，它的产生过程，你打算如何实践，可能的结果，等等；第三段conclusion，也是短小精悍，一句或两句话即可，画龙点睛地总结并升华一下你的goal

从沟通能力来说，逻辑欠缺，缺乏说服力。虽然能够明白你的意思，但是不觉得中间有什么联系。你把goal和念mba联系起来这一点很好，但联系得太牵强了。比如，你要做某某事在35岁之前，不明白这个和去念mba有什么联系，因为你这里貌似强调的是年龄了，而非capabilities。（这里再重复一下写作结构，当你要说第一点第二点第三点这种东西的时候，切记你的first of all, secondly等词后面跟的是topic sentence)  其次你去念mba是为了找个partner，看起来很weird，你甚至可以发广告找一个吧？你可以说多认识一些人，发展networking之类，但只为了找个partner...... : (    最后关于你认为在美国学习就比较容易找capital support，只是你一厢情愿的想法，也许是你的美国梦，不过admission office的人不会认同。

最后一点，政治方向要正确啊。你在第一段花了大量篇幅来说印度和其它软件公司如何如何，而中国就如何如何，所以你要如何挽救中国的软件产业。你这段思想如果申请中国国内的学校，也许学校会觉得你思想觉悟很好，可惜你申请的是美国的学校。这里犯了两个错误。1. 当你说到印度等其他国家公司，读起来的感觉是你用的是negative口吻，对于一个全球招生的商学院，会很反感看到这种国界“歧视”和狭隘民族主义；2. 你的goal只是为了振兴中华软件产业，对抗印度或美国等其他国家软件公司，不仅属于狭隘民族主义，并且你不要忘了，中国事实上一直是美国的敌对国家，不少美国人有仇华情结，审核你essay的基本全是美国人，他们不一定喜欢看到你声称你要如何振兴中华。通常人们想看到的是，一个全球化无国界无狭隘民族情绪的世界人才，为地球发展为全球经济作出贡献。你赤裸裸地说“foreign software and solution companies almost occupied China's software industry... I aspire to take the responsibility to alter the situation..." 除了看到你狭隘的民族主义情绪，你对世界经济发展有什么贡献？一个全球招生的美国学校为什么要收你？就为了帮助你赶跑（假设你能成功）在中国的印度,美国软件公司？

ok, 综上所述，你的essay很幼稚。今年大改之后再申请吧，good luck!

Very appreciate your comments. Your points really hits me and let me realize the big issues in my essay. Thanks a lot! Hope to talk you more.

htt456

每年都有这样一个帖子，还记得去年那个750＋银行＋年薪50万的帖子。

thli88

以下是引用htt456在2008-3-21 21:32:00的发言：
每年都有这样一个帖子，还记得去年那个750＋银行＋年薪50万的帖子

It is hard to find out big issue by myself, so i would like to hear different voice. The intension is very simple. However, i really appreciate all the feedbacks. I believe that eachone will realize his dream if he insists. So i will try my best to apply in the new year.

Chajas10

LZ, 你真的很有勇气, 很好的self-awareness的过程. 加油!