[求助]帮忙修改Essay（第1篇）-在线等

wjqchasedream

截至日期已经过，本贴已经删除。

谢谢各位的Comment

PS

looking for partner to help revise essay each other.

MSN: wjqclark(A) hotmail.com

Email: wjq5565719[在] yahoo.com.cn

MSN: wjqclark(A) hotmail.com

Email: wjq5565719[在] yahoo.com.cn

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-15 0:29:49编辑过]

asupls

我也在申请Stern，不是NN，随便说说自己的看法。文章问的是why now，不是why stern。LZ花了不少篇幅说why stern（完全可以在essay 2当中说）,what do you think?

flower2

我不是NN，随便说说自己的看法。

好处：lz对学校的研究挺深入的，不错

疑问：I already mastered fundamental company operation mechanics, such as sales skills, marketing sense, export operation flowchart, and cash flow managements etc. However, during the cutting edge of career development, it is arduous and difficult to break through my current career situation and long-lasting to jump to my second career level
     without overall and systematic business knowledge which MBA could provide

黄色和绿色部分是否矛盾呢?前面你说你什么都懂？后面为啥说你没有overall ...knowledge? 不过也许可能我没有理解lz的意思。仅供参考。

jeffsong

写得不错。看来我的差距还真不是一点半点。

wjqchasedream

thanks for Asupls and flower2's comment on my essay. BTW，I hope I can be your appliation partner.add my MSN wjqclark(A) hotmail.com;

For other prospective MBA student, welcome to add my MSN to help each other comment on essays.

wjqchasedream

再顶一下

wjqchasedream

thanks for comment on my essay.

add my msn wjqclark(A) hotmail.com

wjqchasedream

ding again.

lusong64

"I am still
interested the new-built IBM On-Demand Supply Chain Lab, for I would
experience one of the world’s most powerful process-planning" :
Would that be better to add an "in" between "interested" and "the new-built IBM..." ?
new-built --- newly-built? The word "new" is an adj and "newly" would be better to be with the word "built".

"interacting with ABC" Although the word talk seems to be too plain, it would make more more sense than by using "interacting".

After all, I am not a native-speaker. You may want to find an English major guy to spot your gramar error. Good luck

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-14 2:29:28编辑过]

IceCo

I cannot judge the content since I am not applying for NYU. But I believe that this essay can be strengthen by improving its narrating style (as a final copy, it does not read very smoothly to me). Perhaphs you can hire some native English-speaking professional to help you on that regard.

However, the adcom probably understands that you are not a native English writier and so what I said might not be important.