以下是引用rattan2008在2007-12-28 21:58:00的发言：我11月最后一次考，作文只有18分。这是我最近练习的一篇，1月再战。请莹莹帮我修改一下，指点迷津，你是我们的榜样啊。 At present, the world is witnessing a host of breath-taking changes and one of them is that human beings are living longer and longer. Obviously, many factors have contributed to the phenomenon and the three following ones including food improvement, better medical care, and convenient living conditions worth mentioning. Firstly, it can not be denied that a huge variety of fresh and frozen foods are available today, compared to our ancestors. In the past, not only had our ancestors very limited food resources but also they had few food preserving methods. You may not wonder when you got the knowledge that their foods are so rare and they are really undernourished. Probably only rice, corn, and raw meat are available. Furthermore, it is very easy for these foods to perish in shortage of effective food preserving methods. However, things are dramatically different today. We can enjoy a huge variety of fruits, vegetables, corns and meat from all over the country even from all over the world. So plentiful are our food resources that we become increasingly stronger and healthier. Thanks to the invention of microwave oven, refrigerator, and other things alike, we will never worry about both deterioration and shortage of food. Secondly, our medical care conditions are becoming better and better. It is undeniable that the death rate of new-born babies is decreasing all the way along. From birth on, children enjoy thoughtful medical care and treatment. Although it is unavoidable that we may be infected by virus or attacked by other diseases, so advanced medical facilities and treatment methods make it possible for patients to be cured in a short time. As a matter of fact, it is lots of preventive measures that are taken in advance make it possible for people far away from many possible diseases. Last but not least, we also have a very comfortable and convenient living environment. Our ancestors could hardly imagine that one day, without the danger of being killed by animals, by hot/cold weathers, or by other things alike, people might enjoy high buildings for sheltering, air conditioners for heating and cooling, and a variety of clothes for protecting and showing. Besides, many old people who retired have the chance to travel around or to join universities. These colorful living styles keep them healthy both physically and mentally, guaranteeing them a longer life. In conclusion, People by all means can live longer due to all the factors mentioned above.
不好意思，我以为已经有人看过了就没有及时回复。 这个文章写的思路很清晰，结构不错，点也给的逻辑清楚，句式也比较丰富，总的来说不错。下面是一点小建议： 1. 需要注意一下小的问题，比如第二段中的时态（部分该用过去时），一些词语的选择（join university)等。 2. 结尾可以稍微再有力一点，用比喻、类比、对比等方式，或者从反面来说，使文章更加critical. 不错，继续加油喔！ | 
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发表于 2007-12-31 23:33:00
