[求助]9.8ibt,作文求拍！

slowpacing

    

025 It has recently been announced that a large shopping center
may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use
specific reasons and details to support your answer.

    

 

    

The
idea of buiding a large shopping mall in my neighborhood never appeals to me.
Judging from my personal experience, those huge shopping centers bring chaos
rather than peace and harmony in my neighborhood. Moreover, what accompanied
with shopping malls are always insecurities and a high ratio in stealing, which
would jeopardize my neighborhood. Although I can not deny shopping center’s
effectiveness in providing job opportunities, in general I oppose the idea of building
a new shopping mall in my community.

    

 

    

One
essential reason that I am against this idea is that new shopping malls are
always the symbols of more noise and chaos. Any new shopping mall, would
inevitably attract people from everywhere to it so that there would be a lot
more people and traffic in our community, which would of course do harm to the
environment. What can be foreseen as the output of the new shopping mall is
there would be diverse noise, air pollution and traffic jams brought by cars.
All those are probably what the residents here would not wish to see. Thus,
building a new shopping center would not increase the welfare of the community
but decrease it.

    

 

    

For
another thing, a large new shopping center, while attract many customers, are
also attractive to stealers. These criminal, although might be slight, would
also weaken the securities of the neighborhood. There have been some statistics
show that the neiborhoods near shopping malls are suffering more from threfts
than those faraway from shopping malls. It is clearly that building a shopping
mall in our neighborhood would do harm to this community which used to be
peaceful.

    

 

    

Moreover,
building new shopping center would occupy open space in our community, which
might cause children and the seniors losing their space for playing games and
doing exercises. In those open spaces, there have been plenty of trees and
flowers and one can see children playing together freely, the elders sitting in
outside for warm sunshine. If those open spaces were converted into buildings
with steel and glass, the surface of the open space of our community would
become so cold that people would decrease their time spending outside, which
would make residents here uncomfortable and unhappy.

    

 

    

As
I have mentioned in previous paragraphs, it is probably that the new shopping
center would help more people in our community to get jobs, however, comparing
with those disadvantages of a new shopping mall, it would be a wise decision
that not building a shopping center in our communty.

slowpacing

自己顶。。。

德克的猪

你可以先参考该版置顶的帖子里边的修改集合

然后我在iBT区有一个写作的帖子，你也可以参考一下

然后发现自己的一些问题，进行修改过后再发上来

我进行具体的修改

yetemwok

The idea of buiding A prposal to build
            a large shopping mall in my neighborhood never appeals to me. Judging from my personal experience, In my observation, those huge shopping centers often
            bring more
            chaos rather than peace and harmony in my
            their/the adjacent neighborhood. Moreover, what accompanied with shopping malls are is always insecurities (insecurity. Plural is not commonly used expression) and a high ratio rate in stealing
            theft, which would jeopardize my
            the common interest of the neighborhood. Although I can not deny shopping center’s effectiveness in providing
            that a shopping mall might provide the local residents with a few
                job opportunities job positions, in general I oppose the idea of building a new shopping mall in my community.

Very good opening and clearly claim your stance; ratio is a fancier word, but not fit here; judging …. A bit awkward; my not correspond to the precedent expression “those huge…”; “are” to “is”, subject “what clause” and predicate/verb agreement; “jeopardize” and “neighborhood” not good collocation;

One essential reason that I am against this idea
            (here the expression is a bit redundant. What I mean is you just mentioned that you don’t like to have a mall in your vicincity, so you really don’t necessarily need to repeat this point in just the following sentecne. Also, one+adj+noun is not a good expression, nor idiomatic. Maybe you could simply say” For one thing, or In the first place, or First…… ETS does not care much if you write this way.) is that new shopping malls are always the symbols of more noise and chaos. Any new shopping mall, would inevitably attract people from everywhere to it so that there would be a lot more people and traffic in our community, which would of course do harm to the environment.  What can be foreseen as the output of the new shopping mall is there would be diverse noise, air pollution and traffic jams brought by cars. All those are probably what the residents here would not wish to see. Thus, building a new shopping center would not increase the welfare of the community but decrease it.

 

For another thing, a large new shopping center, while attract (need a subjective or change the verb to participle) many customers, are also attractive to stealers. These criminal, although might be slight, would also weaken “threaten” the securities (security, not exchange/stocks) of the neighborhood. There have been some statistics (Some statistics) show that the neiborhoods near shopping malls are suffering more from threfts “theft” than those faraway from shopping malls. It is clearly that building a shopping mall in our neighborhood would do harm to this community which used to be peaceful.

 

Moreover, building new shopping center would occupy open space in our community, which (this is not formal usage of English, and usavory to ETS. “Which” cannot refer to a whole sentence in formal writing.) might cause children and the seniors losing their space for playing games and doing exercises. In those open spaces, there have been plenty of trees and flowers and one can see children playing together freely, the elders sitting in outside for warm sunshine.(too many “There” sentences/clauses, which are good indicators of your lower register in English writing. Try to change these “there” clause to active sentences, or paraphrase them in a different way.) If those open spaces were converted into buildings with steel and glass(illogical), the surface of the open space of our community would become so cold that people would decrease their time spending outside, which would make residents here uncomfortable and unhappy.

 

As I have mentioned in previous paragraphs, it is probably that the new shopping center would help more people in our community to get jobs, however, comparing with those disadvantages of a new shopping mall, it would be a wise decision that not building a shopping center in our communty.

 

What I feel from your sample is that you may need to streamline your thought, or the line of reasoning, throughout your essay. The problem is, in the body of your essay, that you apparently wrote a lot of sentences, but they are more or less repeating similar information without any further analysis. The normal argumentation may flow this way: we have a point of view to defend; we declare this stance in the beginning of the arguing by a thesis sentence; then we give more supportive evidences or logical reasonings. Throughout the reasoning, the thesis is repeated and thus strenthened, but we cannot bolster our viewpoint by repeat the similar clauses.

david811

我也来发一篇自己写的，不知道写得好不好


    

I support the plan to build a large
shopping center in my neighbourhood. There are numerous reasons to support my
position.
                

    

First, I think a nearby shopping center
provides convenience to people living in the community. Because there is no
large mall in the community, people may have to travel several kilometres to
another town for shopping. It’s not so convenient, especially for the elderly
person who has difficulties in moving or for the while collars who lacks of
time. A shopping more in the neighbourhood could just fix the problem. It saves
time and improves the living quality to local people.
                

    

Second, the shopping center can boost
economy. Once the shopping center is constructed, it will attract people coming
around for shopping and recreation. People tend to spend money in the shopping
center, thus local economy grows. On the other hand, some affiliate facilities
can be built around the shopping center, such as cinemas, restaurants, gym and
etc. such facilities also attracts people to consume goods and services.
Together with the shopping center, the facilities boost economy.

    

Third, the newly-built shopping center
provides job vacancies for local people. Normally, a large shopping center
needs quite a lot of staff to work in it, such as sales person, managers and
coordinators. And it’s common practice to recruit most of the staffs in local
communities. As a result, with the open of the shopping center, the community
can have more job vacancies for people with different skills.

    

Admittedly, the open of shopping center
could inevitably bring some negative impacts to the neighbourhood, such as
chaos, noises, unstable social environment. However, the advantages and
benefits it brings to the neighbourhood obviously outweighs its disadvantages.