TWE154麻烦大家指点啊

jasminedawn

     Although some people who oppose the policy that smoking is banned in public places and office buildings claim that it is their freedom to do such activities, which should not be deprived of, in my opinion, the ban on public smoking protects population from being affected and avoids fire disasters. (50)

      The first reason to support my idea is that prohibiting smoking in the public will create a better-off environment for men, women and especially children. Most adults spend almost half a day commuting, working or shopping in the public and offices. If smoking were allowed in these places, then they would have to tolerate the awful environment for 12 hours per day. This is surely harmful for their health. A recent medical research reports that 80% non-smokers who suffer from lung cancer are constantly exposed to second-hand smoke, and it also reveals that the public places are the major resources for this cancer induced element. It is hard to imagine that if children were grown up in ever so horrible surroundings, how could this generation be healthy and intelligent to contribute to the country? Therefore, the banishing rule is badly needed to clear the air, fresh the aura and improve the environmental quality for people’s sake. (156)

      Avoiding fire disasters also constitutes another cause for my opinion. A plethora of people smoking in the offices are heedless of paper, wires, and electric equipments, which can be easily ignited. Every year, 60% office fire disasters are caused by smoking. It is usually difficult for staff to escape and for firemen to take rescuing actions due to the limited space and heavy intensity of people. Not only are a large amount of assets lost, but the government also has to put in a vast sum of money, which is supposed to improve the living standard of the population, to take care of the wounded and recover the damage. The desperate consequence can be prevented from forbidding smoking in office, making it a better place to work in.(128)

     From what has been mentioned above, it is natural to assert this summary that people should not be permitted to smoke in either public places like bus, railway station and theatres or working offices to safeguard our nation’s health and prevent our people from dire fire calamities.(47)
  

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-8-23 15:56:55编辑过]

德克的猪

Although some people who oppose the policy that smoking is banned in public places and office buildings claim that it is their freedom to do such activities, which should not be deprived of, in my opinion, the ban on public smoking protects population from being affected and avoids fire disasters.(开头的问题不大,但是比较平淡.我以前一直都在强调General to Specific的开头方式,
            其实,从Specific to General也是一个不错的选择.TOEFL考试的TOPIC实际上是位于General和Specific之间的,所以,你可以找到比TOPIC更general或者更specific的东西.所以,G to S和S to G两种开头的方式都是可以的.所以,这个开头就可以写成:I loathe commuting by train because men around me invariably smoke to kill the tedious time for waiting. So, unfortunately, I am a victim of so-called second-hand smoking. It is ridiculous that I myself am not a smoker but in some public places like the train station I have to tolerate the awful smoke around me and get harmed physically. Therefore, the ban on public smoking is right and needed, of course.) (50)

 

The first reason to support my idea is that prohibiting smoking in the public will create a better-off environment for men, women(people就可以了) and especially children. Most adults spend almost half a day commuting, working or shopping in the public and offices. If smoking were allowed in these places, then they would have to tolerate the awful environment(读到这里发现你写的和我给你写的开头段有很多相似之处,不错不错.) for 12 hours per day. This is surely harmful for their health. A recent medical research reports that 80% non-smokers who suffer from lung cancer are constantly exposed to second-hand smoking and it also reveals that the public places are the major resources for this cancer induced elements.
                It is hard to imagine that if children were grown up in ever so horrible surroundings, how could this generation be healthy and intelligent to contribute to the country?(你这个句子用的虚拟语态,我觉得,就用一般时态就可以了) Therefore, the banishing rule is badly needed to clear the air, fresh the aura and improve the environmental quality for people’s sake. (156)

 

Avoiding fire disasters also constitutes another cause for my opinion. A plethora of people smoking in the offices are heedless of paper, wires, and electric equipments, which can be easily ignited. Every year, 60% office fire disasters(我觉得disaster过了点,accident也许就可以了) are caused(triggered) by smoking. It is usually difficult for the staff to escape and for firemen to take rescuing actions due to the limited space and heavy intensity of people. Not only are a large amount of assets lost, but the government also has to put in a vast sum of money, which is supposed to improve the living standard of the population, to take care of the wounded and to(因为这3个是并列的,所以这里的to需要加上) recover the damage. The desperate(desperate是绝望的,似乎也太厉害了) consequence can be prevented from(via) forbidding smoking in office, making it a better place to work in(你这里的这个从句是有不正确的).(128)

 

From what has been mentioned above, it is natural to assert this summary(conclude) that people should not be permitted to smoke in either public places like bus, railway station or theatres or working offices to safeguard our nation’s health and prevent our people from dire fire calamities.(47)

jasminedawn

嗯，谢谢了

我会继续努力的：）