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sunnypath

就这个题目而言，我一开始学习写托福作文，首先会像写中文小议论文一样，希望严谨而深刻。但是托福不是这么一回事，严谨是不需要的，不晓得为何，可能一方面老外的思维就是比较发散，另外一个方面，可能对于学习外语的人而言，不需要在一篇350-450字的文章里考察思维的严谨性，所以从托福的例文可以看出来，我们只能将道理铺开来写，而非深刻的写；这样才能扬长避短，写出质量。

罗嗦了那么多，我想举几个思考方向来inspire you一下，以后对于任何题目都可以照葫芦画瓢：

对比Self-confidence(SC)和specific knowledge（SK）

1.       Self-confidence(SC) 重要。（举例）体现在1）没有SC, 就不能很好学习SK；2）没有SC, 有了SK也不能有成就。3）SK让人更美，更有力量，心理的健康和幸福感甚至让人活得更长。

2.       SC的失去对学生而言是灾难性。1）学习知识非常辛苦，2）成长过程非常痛苦，3）面对社会非常难过，4）面对工作面对经济和社会剧变，5）面对未知而可能发生的一切bad lucks，这些都需要用SC来克服。失去了SC，就是边缘人the displaced。社会，老师，家长都应对此负责。没有SC的人，甚至不能够成为称职的parents，这对社会和人类的未来是灾难性的。

3.       对我而言，SC帮助了我很多。1) 在学习外语的时候，我坚持了十多年；2) 在大学学习专业知识的时候，我努力了三四年，SC都成就了我。3) 每个人都有转学或者进入新学校的经验，在面对difficulties concerning the communications, misunderstanding and making friends with strange classmates, it is the great confidence that my parents and new teachers imparted to me helped me go through those tough and painful periods of my life.

（当然还有很多很多的例子，你不必要非让自己的思维有个先后顺序，只是把你想到的某个方面写得详细，写得有理，就可以组成一段；两段说理之间不需要有某些总分总的练习，只是事物的不同方面，不同侧面即可。这是我的一点看法。欢迎大家交流。）

这个题目中明显的SK和SC都重要，都不能给NEGATIVE OPINIONS，所以有个画圆场的结尾就更加好：

SK教人如何解决科学问题，但是SC教人如何与自己交流，如何解决心理问题。有了SK应该能让人更加SC，有了SC学习SK更有劲。最后，希望每个学生在成长中都能两者兼备。

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-8-3 0:41:31编辑过]

德克的猪

Agree or disagree

It is more important for a teacher to help students gain self-confidence than to teach them specific knowledge.

 

A tremendous number of people choose to go to the school for increasing their knowledge in a variety of fields(你这里的表达不好,改为in the hope of equipping themselves with the up-to-date knowledge they need in future.). On the other hand, other people have a desire to gain self-confidence, so they decide to enter schools(我觉得这里完全是强加逻辑,上学和增加自信没有必然联系.这是常识:学生上学肯定不是为了增加自信心.写作的时候,不要为了题目,而强加一些东西,因为这样会使文章看起来很不自然.你这里完全可以说:However, people invariably concentrate on the knowledge conveyed by teachers in schools while they ignore another function/responsibility of school-helping students set up their self confidence.我这个不一定是最好的,但是绝对比你的那个自然流畅一些.). Some people may argue that specific knowledge is more crucial than self-confidence(如果你这里不添加why some people argue that specific knowledge is more crucial than self-confidence,那这句话就应该删除.还有就是crucial这个单词的程度已经很高,所以最好不用比较级). However, currently the self-confidence of a person, from my perspective, far outweighs the specific knowledge that a person owns.

 

In this society(in what a society?你可以说in this competitive-minded society, in the modern society saturated with fierce and cruel competitions.表达需要具体,这里添加对society的形容,可以为后文铺垫.), only if you have self-confidence, may you finish(用attain和accomplishment搭配) a wonderful(an outstanding/eminent.我觉得wonderful太口语话了) accomplishment successfully(这个副词多余了). Without confidence, you certainly fail to do the task. To give a demonstration(我发现,to give a demonstration这个用法有的老外不认可,我之前也改正过,这里你可以说It will suffice to mention my own experience.), last semester, I accepted a formidable mission that finishing a paper within two weeks(two weeks是一个细节,但是这只是时间紧张这一方面,如果你再说说任务多么的艰巨,就更好了.你可以编一个,比如:I was required to give a questionnaire to 100 people and then composing several reports in the light of the stats gained from the questionnaire. And even more unfortunately, this was an independent study.). At that time, I was confused(baffled,窘困为难) and I believed it was next to impossible to complete in that short time. A thought that I will not accomplish invariably occurred to my mind(A thought that I would never finish this task successionally/constantly assaulted my mental line of defence brutally and was likely to win.). I almost gave up when my teacher told me patiently that anything can be completed if you perform it with your confidence. I understood abruptly(这里编得不是太好,为了服务你的题目,你可以说:I almost gave up when professor Lee told me that-if you are not able to finish this task, no other students can make it. Don’t disappoint me. All of a sudden, I felt energetic and eager-professor Lee injected me with confidence-and I was encouraged to overcome this challenge.). Then I began to search all sorts of material related the paper and organized them in some order.(And in the duration of that two weeks, there was, for me, no difference between day and night-I merely snoozed for 4 hours every day.) Eventually, it only cost me ten days to complete the paper which was extolled a great performance. Since the self-confidence is so important, we should gain it from the school.(经过前面的添加,你这里再说说:老师给了我自信,让我完成了不可能完成的任务,所以,学校应该帮助学生培养自信,这样会帮助他们挖掘潜力.)

 

In addition, confidence is a virtue of a person. Of cause(, confidence is a tradition of our country翻译一下:当然,自信是我国的传统.我觉得这句话明显不自然.). It creates(创造人来发明?这里的表达也值得商榷) people to invent a multitude of great inventions, say, the computer, the plane etc(How?你需要说自信是如何帮助这些人发明东西的,不然,这个论点就完全没有说服力). To some extent, confidence is playing a vital role in our daily life. Thanks to the confidence, it renders us finish our study with high score and it make us resolve all kinds of serious problems successfully. Therefore, as far as I am concerned, a teacher should help students receive self-confidence, as no doubt, that is the fundament of doing other things. (该段中,你始终都没有阐述how.这样写作是不可以的.因为你在该段中所说的点,都不是显而易见的,所以,你必须说how.而且你还可以点题式的提一提:所以,学校,作文帮助人们shape their personalities的地方,有责任equip all the students with confidence.)

 

 

In conclusion, it is the most crucial(再次友情提醒:crucial程度已经很深,所以最好不用比较最高级来修饰) thing to help students gain self-confidence as a teacher. The specific knowledge can be found through several other avenues such as readings books, watching TV.

 

给你改了很多,我自己觉得还算满意,我准备把这个作为一个修改的典型例子.你需要多多注意细节(用语的细节和例子的细节.如果你写作的时候,例子象我给你说的那样添加,就不错了),还有就是一些表达的方式(你有的表达比较的纠结,让人感觉不清楚).

jiyuztc

谢谢德克的修改

不知道我这样的写作水平,现在处在IBT的什么位置啊?

德克的猪

应该是在4分以上的

满分是5

jiyuztc

太谢谢sunnypathMM了

看了以后有很大启发

jiyuztc

谢谢德克版主

原来对写作都没什么把握,现在听了你的评价有了点信心

我要好好研究你的修改.