二次求拍：是否同意工作中金钱是最重要的一方面

逆风居士

Life is like a long and winding road. Thus, money becomes a routine necessity which can help us live through privation. So money is an essential fact for hunting a job.

Initially, money can give us a high quality substance life. Getting a good job means you have sufficient economic condition to make your life more colorful. When I have a higher salary, I can buy imported cars, big houses, advanced digital intruments or anything I want. Prosperty gives me a variety of options that I can enjoy the life at my own choice. It isn't depends on others like my parents or social welfare. So there is no doubt that job can give me the thing which others can't especially the necessities of existence.

What's more, having a good salary need your struggle. It shows your superior status to others when you want to be outstanding. "Anyone who doesn't want to be a tycoon isn't a good soldier," said by napoleon, a famous commander in franch history. This idiom points out that everyone who want a advanced position must show their intense desire about it. Similarly,
what you should do about getting a appreciable wage is to exhibit your enthusiasm on working. Annual income sometimes means your capacity on a job skill. When you work hard in a company, you can get respect from others.

However, money cannot do everything we want. It is a fact that money is just parts of our lives, there are some other things need us to pay close attention to. But in modern society, money is one of the most important attribute which measures people's occupational level.

All in all, money cannot be faraway from our eyesights when we want to select a proper job because it impact both our physical situation and prestige.
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

感觉这个题目的观点寻找困难

自己没有例子

比较失败

怎样写好金钱（工资）在工作中是人们考虑的最重要的一环呢

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

德克德克，快快显灵

小弟愚笨，请求帮助

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-16 18:50:54编辑过]

逆风居士

德克。。

你不能这样

德克的猪

Life is like a long and winding road. Thus, money becomes a routine necessity which can help us live through privation. So money is an essential fact for hunting a job.

(Life is a road which has never been paved. Therefore on road of life, there are so many stumbling blocks. To eliminate those blocks, one needs tools. Money, I believe, is one of the most efficient and important tools. And to obtain money, we need to work, hence the indispensable concern of money for a job hunting.你的原来的那个开头的意思,我是可以理会的.但是,老外就不一定的,他们有的时候就是那么笨.所以我就重写了一下.这个开头用了3句才成功的过渡到money,稍微长了点<其实也不过57词>.如果你能够写到400字,就可以用这种过渡比较长的开头.)

Initially, money can give us a high quality substance life. Getting a good job(with high salary) means you have sufficient economic condition to make your life more colorful. When I(人称需要一致,你前面用的you,这里却用的I,这样就是不一致.我建议你不要用you这个单词来表人.我看过不少的英文文章,用you来表示<人>,<你>这个概念的不多.你这里反正都是称述自己的观点,最好用I.以后写要用you的时候,最好可以用one来代替) have a higher salary, I can buy imported cars, big houses, advanced digital intruments or anything I want(这里需要体现出表达的细节化,可以写为:I can afford a Benz or Beemer<in our country, both kinds are expensive>, modern apartment, latest digital products say, Xbox 360, iPhone and many things I want to own). Prosperty(Being affluent) gives(can offer) me a variety of options that I can enjoy the life at my own choice(I can choose my unique way to live without worrying about how to make ends meet every day.). It(It指代不明.你以后用代词的时候最好先考虑一下是否指代清除.指代不明是一个很普遍的问题.) isn't(does not) depends on others like my parents or social welfare. So there is no doubt that job (with considerable salary) can give me the thing which others can't(cannot) especially the necessities of existence(这个句子有语病,你自己看一下,我不太明白你要表达的意思).

What's(What is) more, having a good salary need your struggle. It shows your superior status to others when you want to be outstanding. "Anyone who doesn't want to be a tycoon isn't a good soldier," said by napoleon, a famous commander in franch history. This idiom points out that everyone who want a advanced position must show their intense desire about it. Similarly,
what you should do about getting a appreciable wage is to exhibit your enthusiasm on working. Annual income sometimes means your capacity on a job skill. When you work hard in a company, you can get respect from others. (这段有离题的嫌疑,所以我没有修改.你要说的是钱是不是重要的一个考虑,你这段的开头一句给人的感觉就是和主题不相关.每个段落的开头都必须清除的表现出和主题相关的东西.这个是老外的写作习惯.)

However, money cannot do everything we want. It is a fact that money is just parts of our lives, there are some other things need us to pay close attention to. But in modern society, money is one of the most important attribute which measures people's occupational level. (让步段,这个长度比较合适.你最好再添加一句:Consequently, it is not wise to neglect money in job hunting.这类的话)

All in all, money cannot be faraway from our eyesights when we want to select a proper job because it impact both our physical situation and prestige.

问题不少。

你需要注意你人称的一致性。当然，我不要求你在整篇文章的主语使用上保持在一个可以让读者很舒服的水平上，

但是你必须做到不让别人confused，就是，不要在you, I, one之间转过去，转过来。

不要用缩略的书写形式，比如I'm, doesn't.这个我提醒过你，我希望你不要再犯类似的错误。

还有就是你的连贯性不够，开头段就直接反应了这个问题。

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-18 21:36:57编辑过]

德克的猪

以下是引用逆风居士在2007-7-18 19:46:00的发言：

德克。。

你不能这样

汗，我时间很紧张的说。毕竟还有别人的文章需要改。

KevinDurant

以下是引用德克的猪在2007-7-18 21:05:00的发言：

Life is like a long and winding road. Thus, money becomes a routine necessity which can help us live through privation. So money is an essential fact for hunting a job.

(Life is a road which has never been paved. Therefore on road of life, there are so many stumbling blocks. To eliminate those blocks, one needs tools. Money, I believe, is one of the most efficient and important tools. And to obtain money, we need to work, hence the indispensable concern of money for a job hunting.你的原来的那个开头的意思,我是可以理会的.但是,老外就不一定的,他们有的时候就是那么笨.所以我就重写了一下.这个开头用了3句才成功的过渡到money,稍微长了点<其实也不过57词>.如果你能够写到400字,就可以用这种过渡比较长的开头.)

Initially, money can give us a high quality substance life. Getting a good job(with high salary) means you have sufficient economic condition to make your life more colorful. When I(人称需要一致,你前面用的you,这里却用的I,这样就是不一致.我建议你不要用you这个单词来表人.我看过不少的英文文章,用you来表示<人>,<你>这个概念的不多.你这里反正都是称述自己的观点,最好用I.以后写要用you的时候,最好可以用one来代替) have a higher salary, I can buy imported cars, big houses, advanced digital intruments or anything I want(这里需要体现出表达的细节化,可以写为:I can afford a Benz or Beemer<in our country, both kinds are expensive>, modern apartment, latest digital products say, Xbox 360, iPhone and many things I want to own). Prosperty(Being affluent) gives(can offer) me a variety of options that I can enjoy the life at my own choice(I can choose my unique way to live without worrying about how to make ends meet every day.). It(It指代不明.你以后用代词的时候最好先考虑一下是否指代清除.指代不明是一个很普遍的问题.) isn't(does not) depends on others like my parents or social welfare. So there is no doubt that job (with considerable salary) can give me the thing which others can't(cannot) especially the necessities of existence(这个句子有语病,你自己看一下,我不太明白你要表达的意思).

What's(What is) more, having a good salary need your struggle. It shows your superior status to others when you want to be outstanding. "Anyone who doesn't want to be a tycoon isn't a good soldier," said by napoleon, a famous commander in franch history. This idiom points out that everyone who want a advanced position must show their intense desire about it. Similarly,
what you should do about getting a appreciable wage is to exhibit your enthusiasm on working. Annual income sometimes means your capacity on a job skill. When you work hard in a company, you can get respect from others. (这段有离题的嫌疑,所以我没有修改.你要说的是钱是不是重要的一个考虑,你这段的开头一句给人的感觉就是和主题不相关.每个段落的开头都必须清除的表现出和主题相关的东西.这个是老外的写作习惯.)

However, money cannot do everything we want. It is a fact that money is just parts of our lives, there are some other things need us to pay close attention to. But in modern society, money is one of the most important attribute which measures people's occupational level. (让步段,这个长度比较合适.你最好再添加一句:Consequently, it is not wise to neglect money in job hunting.这类的话)

All in all, money cannot be faraway from our eyesights when we want to select a proper job because it impact both our physical situation and prestige.

高人~

yumihooo

Revision has been deleted.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-18 23:21:08编辑过]

yumihooo

以下是引用德克的猪在2007-7-18 21:05:00的发言：

(人称需要一致,你前面用的you,这里却用的I,这样就是不一致.我建议你不要用you这个单词来表人.我看过不少的英文文章,用you来表示<人>,<你>这个概念的不多.你这里反正都是称述自己的观点,最好用I.以后写要用you的时候,最好可以用one来代替) 

It is ok to use "you", it means someone. And I asked many Americans about that, they said they sometimes use "you" to replace "one" or "someone".

德克的猪

you可以概括性的表示<人>这个概念。新概念4上面很清楚的注释了这个用法。

不过，我的写作老师也有提到不要用太多的<you>.至少她被professor这样批过。

逆风居士

谢谢两位评改

我这个随编写的

主要因为题目比较难

所以请求大家集思广益

祝德克

文成武德，仙福永祥

千秋万载，一统江湖

yumihooo

以下是引用逆风居士在2007-7-18 22:21:00的发言：

谢谢两位评改

我这个随编写的

主要因为题目比较难

所以请求大家集思广益

祝德克

文成武德，仙福永祥

千秋万载，一统江湖

不太好意思，我这个人心眼比较小。看到别人说了我看着觉得不爽的话我会很生气。

我的批改看来不太重要，不好意思了，我删了。

还有，如果是随便写的东西最好不要随便往上贴，浪费别人的时间。

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-18 23:17:57编辑过]