我的修改 一 Nowadays (nowadays已经是很过时的用法了,建议使用Currently或者at present), many (这些小的地方也是可以注意改动的many可以换成a multitude of) university students have been granted the right to(这里使用错误,应该是the right is granted to students, 这是很正式的用法) choose at least part of their classes(这里用courses表达课程,应该会更准确); this is a beneficial transformation for both the professor (professors) and the students. On professors’ the part, this new system urge them to improve their quality of teaching or they will (be) out of business in that (for the simple reason that) no students will choose the class he\she(s/he) taught(gives). On students’ part(to those students, 尽量避免重复), they can choose classes(course) according to their interests, personal learning ability (capability更好,因为所有人都用ability), and career plan (plans). Nevertheless, this system also poses (这里可以用trigger a problem, 这是引发的比较地道的说法,是可以显示出写作水平的词汇) another worrying(perturbing更好) problem that students might only choose pushover (楼主在这里用了俚语,用俚语需要慎重, effortless应该更好) classes and dodge(这里用shun更好,因为shun可以更准确的表现出有意的躲闪,而dodge的意思和楼主要表达的意思实际上不一致的) the high-demanding ones. Should grade rather than knowledge they will gain at the end of the semester be the top concern(take the priority) when students decide which classes(courses) to take? I as far as I am concerned, the answer to the above question(questions) is “no, it shouldn’t”. (it指代的什么??)
Admittedly(这是用烂的词,这里可以用indubitably无庸置疑替代), grades are of vital importance(vital和importance概念有重复,这里可以用indispensable替代) to every student, given the daunting(这里用的并不太好,可以用formidable替换,也可以用fierce,激烈) competitions faced by today’s college students(这句话很不通顺,建议后面的条件提前). With the ever(用invariably)-increasing tuitions, the(不用the) top grades can(最好避免用can,这里可以替换为might) ,to a certain extent, secure(guarantee) an individual’s chance to get(receive) a scholarship, which will greatly relive(lighten和burden对应) student’s financial burden and allow he\she(s/he) to devote more time to pursue academic excellence instead of taking part-time jobs. Moreover, if a student is intended to apply to a graduate school after getting his\her bachelor’s degree, a record of good grades is invariable a must to get admitted by a prestigious grads school. The usefulness of a record of presentable grades will not be any less when the newly graduate try to land a well-paid job with a multinational corporation. All the above cases, with no exception, demonstrate the necessity to keep top grades, which seem to justify the facts that the bulk of the students stay away from the classes, in which to get the top grades looks missions impossible. (这部分真是写得让我无法下笔修改,所有我进行的重写: To such concerns, another one must be added. Academic report invariably plays a cardinal role in job seeking. Let us suppose that, a young man who has just graduated from university with a pathetically low grade attempts to be employed by a big company. Unfortunately, he has to face those who are excellent in their study and have received amazingly highly comments on their academic accomplishments from professors. Undoubtedly, he will inevitably experience the frustration resulted from the failure of job seeking. One with a low grade is really fragile in the fierce, or to be more accurate, brutal competition in modern society.)
While the incentives to keep a good GPA are understandable and acceptable, top grade is definitely not the sole(unique) goal, which we strive(终于看到一个出色的用词了) to achieve in our university years(in the duration of our university time). The knowledge and skills we acquired through the classes, especially those challenging ones, will benefit us in the long run. A challenging class is an adversity; however, we should not fail to realize that we are likely to reap more from a class which is no pushover (Such courses are, to some degree, difficult to cope with. As a matter of fact, it is adverse circumstance that stimulates us to improve our capacity and develop those astonishing potential), (Just) as Henry Ford put it, “in every adversity, there is a chance to grow”. For example(要想得高分,就最好不要用for example或者for instance), the statistics has always been ranked number one on the charts of “must avoided optional classes”(the must-avoid optional classes外国人一般这样用) in my department, which is prepared students to become tomorrow journalists(这句话比较难理解,但是has always been后面一般接进行时). Though mathematics had never been easy for me, I chose statistics in my sophomore year anyway for I knew that statistics could be an indispensable tool in analyzing raw data. I was forced to cut back my other social activities and attended after-class study group during that semester since I had a hard(tough) time to figure out what was taught in my statistics class. Despite all my hard working(In spite of all the endeavor I have made), I only got a B in the end. However, in retrospect, my decision to take statistics was nothing but right for the statistics had proved to be very useful in my daily work as a journalist. (勉勉强强的一段,语法错误较少.但是nothing but在这里用似乎语气不对.)
In sum, while there are legitimate reasons for those who take a less demanding class to ensure a good grade, we shouldn’t have such a myopic focus since challenging class are proved to be more useful in the long run(不要重复,in the coming days) and we need something challenging to make our university years more interesting and unforgettable. (结尾也比较一般)
这是一篇有很多问题的文章. 1. 论述不清楚.作者想说有些困难的学科也要学,但是却用了大量的篇幅写了些表意不清晰的话. 2. 作者的语法基础不好,有很多不应该出现的错误. 3. 用词的重复很严重. 4. 作者尝试用高级的句型,但是往往出错. 5. 作者连模版都没有学习应用好. 6. 作者多次出现用词不准确,很显然,文章中的词汇是查的低级的字典,而非出自作者的大脑 7. 拖沓,语言缺乏力度.
改进的办法 1. 如果作者在近期要考TOEFL的话,那应该赶快去背TWE185.作者的作文水平在3分上下. 2. 如果作者还有比较多的时间来准备考试,那应该准备新概念3和4.新概念的文章很好,作者最好可以背下来. 3. 作者的语法错误比较大,最好自学一下语法.
我的语言比较直率,但是也是为楼主好. You’ve got a long way to go
二
Have you ever got a part-time job in a movie theater that cost you only a few minutes(稍微夸张了点) on your way to work? Have you ever enjoyed a movie in the movie theater after a jogging from your home to the movie theater? Have you ever had a discussion on a movie with your friends for over a week?(终于有人犯这个错误了。其实也不算是错误,不过要注意:排比是可以用的,但是用的话最好就用比较有水平的,不然给人的感觉就会不伦不类。同时要提醒的是:排比不一定就是have you...have you...这样很工整的结构,一些较为散的结构实际上也可以构成排比:One thing will provide you with a part-time job which never toils you to death but offer a considerable salary, sounds good? You can also make yourself content via spending some time in it and leave no time for boredom. Appealing? To such attractions, another must be added-it invariably supplies you with adequate material for leisure time chats. Wow, fabulous! Then, what is it-A movie theater.我觉得我这个也一般,只是稍微升了一下级。当然,ETS大概也不会太苛刻,我这里只是建议不要用排比.) If you had never had these experiences, you would never know how much a movie theater near your home could give(offer) you. As a matter of fact, I will be the most excited person on the planet(这个还是太夸张了,不过可以说:I would be the first person to cheer if a movie theater were to be built in our neighborhood) if a movie theater is erected(感动呀,终于有人用我的替换表里边的词汇了,LZ是不是从我的那个表里边看到erect这个词的?erect可是很好的用法) near my home. (很好很好,没有用模版!模版作文我没有兴趣改。值得鼓励!开头有具体的东西,很好,只是还需要一些加工。)
(这里直接就接理由,太突兀了。可以先说:For one thing,)The movie theater provides various(various强调的是different types,在这里不合适,换成considerable,可观的,似乎比较好) employment opportunities, such as(such as这个词被用得太多,这里用say,<say后面要有逗号>代替such as,这是很多中国学生都不会用的,但是很地道) a booking clerk, a projectionist, a buffet sever and a usher, to the(those) joblessness who are(live) close to(around) the movie theater. It is a strong(potent这个单词可以很好的表达你的意思:effective and powerful) measure to tackle(用得好!这里还可以用cope with) unemployment (in our neighborhood,限定是要加的,这样才使文章严谨). Working in a place adjacent(好好好,没有重复!) to your home can both save time and transportation fee(expense开销,fee的意思是:a sum of money that you pay to be allowed to do something,这里不合适). If you have already had a fantastic(语气稍微过了点,用ideal吧) job and you are affluent(完全感动了,affluent,多好的词呀!后面加个enough, you are affluent enough), the movie theater will be crucial(crucial的确是important的意思,但是crucial是比较严肃的那种词汇,这里用可以表达到你的意思,但是过于严重了点.要用important也可以,你就写:XXX plays a important role in XXX) to you in a like manner. These days, I bumped into a bit more big beefy man adjoining my home, to my surprise, the majority(这个词在这里又用得不合适,用most吧) of them has not any neck! It seems that they have too much fat(形容猪可以用fat,但千万不要用fat形容人,因为fat是有一种鄙视和贬义的,overweighed是个不错的选择,过重的,而不是肥猪一般的.你说话的时候也要注意,不要用fat,除非那个人你很讨厌). In view of(高级一点的替换:In the light of,鉴于…) the seriousness of the problem, I believe that after a movie theater being established besides my home, various absorbing movies may be the motive power that let you jog or walk to the movie theater every days(这个也太牵强了.). One of my schoolmates did slow-running to the movie theater adjacent to his home to see a appealing movie invariably(invariably表示“总是”这个概念是很好的,但是表示每天,不间断,这里就用every day) during approach a month, eventually, he found it astonished(amazing or astonishing) that he had almost lost 10kg(其实你说kg美国人不一定清楚是多少,以后作文中距离用miles,重量用lbs,表现出你美国化) without any (加个形容词formidable令人生畏的,来反面衬托movie theater的好处)weight-losing diet.(不一定所有的reasons都要例子来支持,例子如果太牵强,就不要举,比如这段的这个)
It is indisputable that currently(好好好,没有用nowadays) an increasing number of people are beginning(这里表达不是很好,可以改为:are gradually accustomed to,渐渐的习惯与) to choose to see a movie at home, for its convenience and time-saving advantage(merits). Unfortunately, you (simultaneously) will never(lose the chance to) experience the (这里可以用fantastic来修饰了,记住:你要说一个东西好的时候,要用修饰来表明它的好,sound effect不一定是好的,但是fantastic sound effect就是很吸引人的了) sound effect and the atmosphere in the movie theater. After seeing a horror(horrible) movie in the movie theater, once I was alone at home. I checked all the room and hold my books in my hand as a weapon. In contrast(Quite the reverse,恰恰相反的是), my friend who saw the same movie at home was completely normal(我个人认为在家看更恐怖。). How a simple movie seen at the cinema a week earlier modify my actions(这句话的表意我不清楚).
According to the reasons mentioned above, I extraordinarily like a new movie theater (to be built)being built in my neighborhood. (结尾还可以多写点,如果时间不够,就算了)
不错,终于看到一个摆脱模版束缚的文章了。 至少是不落窠臼。 用词不错,达到了多样性的要求,但是还是比较的欠缺准确性,有的地方用的不合适。有空的时候多查查词典。 LZ 写长难句容易出错或者表意不清楚,需要多练习。NCE3和NCE4是我强烈推荐的。 这里就是这些了, 当然还要推荐我的writing tips和我给别人的修改,看看会有帮助
[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-11 9:00:31编辑过] |