［５８楼］盼指点6月2日独立写作：上大学前是不是应该找一年旅游或者工作，很多疑问－独立作文学习贴

rio

以下是引用seamoon8在2007-6-3 10:50:00的发言：

DISHONESTY KILLS RELIABILITY

There are certain considerations of factors that everyone takes into account in a relationship. eople may look for honesty, altruism, understanding, loyalty, being thoughtful etc! Everyone would more or less wish that the person s/he is dealig with, has some of these virtues above. Putting them in an order according to their importancd, however can be very subjective and relative.

When someone asks hime/herself the question"What do I consider to be the most important thing in my relationship?"the answer depends on a lot of factors such as how his/her earlier relationships were.

After stating that everyone's opinion can be diffirent about this, for me honesty, in other words, always telling the truth is the most important consideration in a relationship. Opposite of this is inarguably lying and if someone needs to lie, either s/he is hiding something or is afraid of telling me something.

In any relationship of mine, I would wish that first of all, the person I'm dealing with is honest. Even thouth s/he thinks that s/she did something wrong that I wouldn't like, s/he'd better tell me the truth and not liie about it. Later on if I find out about a lie or hear the truth from someone else, that'd be much more unpleasant. In that case how can I ever believe or trust that person again? How can I ever believe that this person has enough confidence in me to forgive him/her and carry on with the relationship from there. So if I cannot trust a person anyone, if the person doesn't think I can handle the truth, there's no point for continuing that relationship.

Although I would like to see altruistic, understanding, thoughtful and loyal behavior from people, an instance of the opposite of these behaviors would not upset me as much as dishonety would. Among all the possible behaviors, dishonesty is the only one for me that terminates how O feel about a person's reliability. Therefore honesty would be my first concern and the most important consideration in a relationship. 

Score 5 :Annotation

In this response the writer first approaches the topic by underscoring that one could consider a number of character traits as being important to a relationship. The writer then effectively develops an agrument that it is dishonesty of unwillingness to fjlly disclose some bad action that, unlike other negative behaviors, cannot be forgiven and is the most important factor in destroying a relationship. Language used here is fluent, accurate, and varied enough to effectively carry the writer's progression and connection of ideas.

第一句，这个作文作者首先通过强调在一个关系中一个人可能考虑许多的性格特征，通过这个来处理话题，主题．

不明白，这个怎么就处理话题了？？？

我认为，这个意思是找了一个合适的切入点把自己的话题和题目联系起来。而不是像大多数人那样：I agree/disagree...

第二句，作者然后有效地发展了论点，这个论点是：不像其它的负面行为，不诚实或者是不情愿全面揭露一些坏的行为是不可能被原谅的，并且是毁坏一种关系的最重要的因素．

没看出来是怎么有效地发展了论点，偶只知道文章第四段在论证，论证的逻辑顺序偶也看不出来，不知道这个有效体现到哪里去了．？？

作者的发展主要体现在把诚实和信任结合在了一起，换句话说，把一个大的话题缩小了范围。这样观点就比较鲜明。

第三句，　这儿使用的语言，流利，精确，其且多样化，足够能有效地carry 作者的progression（译不出来？啥意思呢？）和思想的连接．

语言流利，这篇文章体现在哪里呢，多样化又在哪里呢，在原文中找不到啊，这个思想的连接指的是连接词吗？？？

progression就是逻辑思路的延伸：比如after stating ... Even though... ALthough这些在文中都有明显的使用。且表达意思准确。语言多样性没发现。流利倒是流利。

这个文章到底好在哪里呢，下面是偶看原文时的问题，原文一共有五段

第一段，每个人考虑一个关系中考虑多种因素，有什么，什么，等等，要把这些关系按照重要排一排　

这种写作的开头是在做什么呢，还写的挺多的，虽然不算是跑题吧，可是跟论证的关系在哪里呢？？？

其实T的写作话题是个很宽泛的，要靠自己去narrow，这种写法就是这样的目的。

第二段当有人被问哪个因素更重要的时候，回答依赖于许多因素例如早期关系怎么样　　

偶怎么不明白为什么要写这段话，第一段不是已经写了吗，这里怎么又写了，逻辑啥是为了说明什么呢？？？？

我也不明白

第三段　对我而言说真话最重要．Opposite of this is inarguably lying and if someone needs to lie, either s/he is hiding something or is afraid of telling me something.　

第二句写的这个算是论证吗？是反过来说一下？？？不懂这句话在写作里算不算论证．？？？？

这是一种常用的论证方法，为了说明A的好处，就说没有A的坏处。

第四段　完全弄不懂这个作文论证的逻辑主线是什么，就觉得一堆话在反复说，是怎么回事呢？？？？

同感。

第五段　虽然我也喜欢其它一堆好性格，但是这些好性格的反面不会让我像不诚实一样沮丧．在所有行为里面，不诚实是唯一偶感觉一个人可靠性的终点，所以诚实在一个关系里是偶的最首要关心和最主要的考虑．　

最后一段这样说反过的的性格偶是什么态度是不是呼应前面的第三段的第二句呢，像第三段的第二句话那样反过来说也能叫论证？？？

这一段是在总结，所以重复的比较多

粗体是我的观点

seamoon8

早上一上来就看到rio斑斑的回答，开心哦．谢谢先．

今天继续研究ＯＧ和北极星．下定决心把例文和标准搞明白．

作文评点妙解集合：

（１）ＯＧ第一篇满分作文

rio斑斑（详51楼）

这个意思是找了一个合适的切入点把自己的话题和题目联系起来。而不是像大多数人那样：I agree/disagree...

把一个大的话题缩小了范围。这样观点就比较鲜明。

progression就是逻辑思路的延伸：比如after stating ... Even though... ALthough这些在文中都有明显的使用。且表达意思准确。

一种常用的论证方法，为了说明A的好处，就说没有A的坏处

这一段是在总结，所以重复的比较多

jojo美女：

我以为，这句话的意思是说作者通过列举出一系列可能影响人与人之间关系的因素来带出文章的主旨。这种表达方式属于比较新颖的方式，并不是单刀直入就说自己的看法，而是通过这种列举来引出话题。

有一点值得注意的，他（她）的确十分清楚地指出了自己的看法：for me honesty, in other words, always telling the truth is the most important consideration in a relationship。并在之后的文字中表达出自己的原因：即使别人做了自己不喜欢的事情，他（她）还是宁可别人对自己说实话。作者的观点是贯穿始终的，而且是由自己的想法和经历来支持的。

profession在这里应该是指“发展，进展”吧～平心而论，文章的语言的确使用得不错，句式也挺自然和多样化的。有列举，有定语从句，有让步状语从句，有反问有设问，而且最重要的是，句子运用都恰到好处，连接也相当到位啊～随便举几个例子：“Everyone would more or less 。。。”“however can be very subjective and relative。。。” “Even thouth s/he thinks that 。。。, s/he'd better 。。。”这些都是连接得非常好的句子，ＭＭ可以体会一下。

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-4 5:50:07编辑过]

seamoon8

wow，jojoy斑斑也来看偶解答呢，谢谢啊，偶是一上来就翻到最后一页去了，刚看完rio斑斑的贴子翻回来看到你的解答，心里那个感动啊．偶先谢一下，再细看啊．

德克猪啊，谢谢你来呢，

这个文章rio斑斑和德克猪都说不好．偶真是郁闷的很啊．偶再看看，要不今天偶再把北极星的满分作文再打出来一篇，昨天真是白白打了半天字，居然和ＯＧ上的是一样的．

但愿这个星期能在作文上有所提高．．

三位辛苦了

seamoon8

另外rio斑斑这个能再讲讲吗，

其实T的写作话题是个很宽泛的，要靠自己去narrow，这种写法就是这样的目的。

作者的发展主要体现在把诚实和信任结合在了一起，换句话说，把一个大的话题缩小了范围。这样观点就比较鲜明。

题目 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

１请问斑斑，这个缩小范围是从哪个角度啊，能再举点例子说明一下吗，怎么样能确保是不跑题的缩小范围呢，偶觉得这个诚实和信任是两个东东啊，虽然有联系，可是原题是问的说真话是不是最重要的因素．

２还有文章中哪里是examples?这个例子是偶这些天的痛．如果作文里面不写examples，算不算是没有完成任务呢？

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-4 6:06:01编辑过]

德克的猪

它也有它的好处,至少它没有用nowadays和first/second...

你需要结合其他分数段的范文来看这个东西

德克的猪

There are certain considerations of factors that everyone takes into account in a relationship(对题目的一个综述,并没有复述题目). eople may look for honesty, altruism, understanding, loyalty, being thoughtful etc(这句将综述的内容具体到各种美德,其中包括了honesty,这样就很自然的引出了要讨论的题目)! Everyone would more or less wish that the person s/he(其实这是个highlight, ETS曾经在一篇范文中特别表扬了s/he这个写法) is dealing with, has some of these virtues(这里的用词不错) above. Putting them in an order according to their importance, however can be very subjective and relative.(整个第一段作者都没有表示自己的观点,但是他用了足足一段来引出要讨论的话题,在我们看来,也许有点多于,但是ETS给了这样的作文满分,而且还拿来放在OG,我觉得:这是ETS想告诉考生:开头不要太突兀,要由宽到窄,从general到specific.这篇文章在这点上,显然很好)

When someone asks hime/herself the question"What do I consider to be the most important thing in my relationship?"the answer depends on a lot of factors such as how his/her earlier relationships were.(这个是一个流畅的过渡,我们写TOEFL作文时,其实很多时候都没有这样的过渡,我想ETS把这篇作文拿出来的目的还有:告诉我们最好要有过渡的东西)

After stating that everyone's opinion can be different about this, for me honesty, in other words, always telling the truth is the most important consideration in a relationship(非常清楚的称述了自己的观点.虽然我个人认为称述得很没有水平.我想ETS的目的是告诉大家:你的观点一定要明晰). Opposite of this is inarguably lying and if someone needs to lie, either s/he is hiding something or is afraid of telling me something.(这段作者很清晰的表示了自己的立场,同时提及到了后面的内容,相当于一个铺垫.)

seamoon8

谢谢德克猪的详细解答，偶今天把评分标准逐条研究了一下，还有不明白的，偶再想想，不会的再贴出来问ＮＮ们．

在大家的帮助下，偶总算能知道一些好作文好在哪里了，刚才给后面的例子打分，前５篇有两个打错了，后５篇有四个打错分了，汗哪．

偶今天把作文再写一篇贴上来等评讲．就先6,2rio 斑斑新鲜出炉的机经了，先把任务写在这里省得偶又躲着不想写．

seamoon8

6月2日机经：独立写作：上大学前是不是应该找一年旅游或者工作

Many people have a romantic idea of life in circular tutor. many living in the towns dream of living in a metropolis, of enjoying the porsperity of the city. Meanwhile, many living in  the cities would like to the historically famous sites far away from them. So, someone put forward a suggestion like this:  the high school student should spend one year on travelling or working. They think that without time, money and the experiences, the dream above will be a dream forever. It seems, to some degree, resonable. However, I strongly object it. In fact, It would be better for a high school student to immediately arrive at the college or university after graduating form the high school. 

First, it is obvious that being a college student younger than the classmates will improve the person’ competition. The earlier one enters the college or university, the earlier one begin to work. Accordingly, s/he will always has relatively higher energy which is such an essential factor in the modern society. And s/he could assimilate the up-to-date technology rapidly. Believe it or not, a friend of mine who is a successful general manager told me that according to him, his success in the career derives from that he is the youngest one of the people who came in the same company at the same time. Funny? But what he said is a true case.

Secondly, people can earn money as an undergraduate without the expense of sacrificing the study. There are a lot of job opportunities. Some post of the college are provided by the college office such as librarian, safeguard, cashier in the café, and even the cleaner. Meanwhile, because the college does not isolate form the society, the society also provide sorts of employments diversely. When I was student, I once engaged in the investigator, supermarket cashier, tutor and the sale promoter. Therefore, I afforded the fees myself and travelled to many places with the pay. As long as one manages her or his time effectively, s/he could do two job or even more. These post will all bring him or her money and the students can save the money to do what they want to do.

Finally, one can obtain the worthwhile experiences including both the study methods and the ability to personal communication. If one just graduate from the high school, s/he will confront many difficulties in dealing with the relationship. But if one enters the college or university, the situation is changed. The college or university normally offer a numerous courses excepted the major course. One can choose what s/he needs to take. Many people worry that lacking the personal skill will prohibit s/he make much progress in the future. Actually it is meaningless if s/he take part in some course such as organization behavior and social psychology. 

In a plural society, there will inevitably be different opinions. The key is to deal with them in such a way that they can play a constructive rather than destructive role. Entering into the college or university, in my opinion, is the former. One can enhance the competition, raises the money, and grasp the personal skills. In conclusion, I believe the choice I address above benefits for the people to develop their life happily and efficiently, Repeat it again, the choice like it is adapt to the people’s development.

请大家来帮忙改改啊，谢谢．

rio

以下是引用seamoon8在2007-6-4 5:57:00的发言：

另外rio斑斑这个能再讲讲吗，

其实T的写作话题是个很宽泛的，要靠自己去narrow，这种写法就是这样的目的。

作者的发展主要体现在把诚实和信任结合在了一起，换句话说，把一个大的话题缩小了范围。这样观点就比较鲜明。

题目 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

１请问斑斑，这个缩小范围是从哪个角度啊，能再举点例子说明一下吗，怎么样能确保是不跑题的缩小范围呢，偶觉得这个诚实和信任是两个东东啊，虽然有联系，可是原题是问的说真话是不是最重要的因素．

２还有文章中哪里是examples?这个例子是偶这些天的痛．如果作文里面不写examples，算不算是没有完成任务呢？

比如范文那道题，就把“说实话对不对”这个问题转化成为“说谎使人失去信任”信任在人与人之间是种很重要的关系。

6.2的作文题，就是你问的那道，我写的内容是，要有工作经验，因为工作经历帮你选择专业并且帮你更好的学习你的专业。

如果不写example or case，那么议论就显得苍白无力。读者就会昏昏欲睡。

seamoon8

rio斑斑，这个机经题偶在审题的时候的选择

第一种１）直接上大学２）旅游或者工作　这个像是agree的题型

第二种１）上大学２）去旅游，３）去工作，这个像是prefer的题型

感觉你上一楼的所说的　＂我写的内容是，要有工作经验，因为工作经历帮你选择专业并且帮你更好的学习你的专业。＂　　

是把旅游和工作分开谈呢，是像上面的第二种，这种题目的审题偶迷惑了．偶觉得是要么直接上大学，要么用一年先干点别的，旅游或者工作．

写的时候偶就奇怪，是不是偶把题审错了．

斑斑你再说说这个机经题的审题啊．

还有，帮偶改一下作文好吗．是不是太烂了，让你看着昏昏欲睡了，不好意思．