第二份作文,求拍,谢谢!

terminator8

At present, a university wants to build a research center in my country. Some people believe that an agricultural center should be built. However, as far as I am concerned, a business center will bring us more advantages. Afterwards, I would explain my opinions about it. 

The most persuasive point is that we are in badly economic condition at present. Homeless rummage trash cans for food, laid-off people have an inadequate income and can not meet their rents, and even the educated people have troubles to find proper work, because the employment rate in my country is outrageously low. The appearance of the business center may most likely resolve this difficulty. After analyzing all kinds of data systemically, the business research center can tell us some useful methods depend on which we can stimulate our economy and then can rejuvenate the economic. From this point of view, we can say that the it is a wise choice to build a business center.. 

Furthermore, farmers in my country are good at cultivating, so the agricultural center is not necessary. As things stand now, the products of agricultural in my country is enough, so a large part of the surplus grain will sell to the foreign country which can not provide enough cereal to its people. Seldom can farmers earned enough money by exporting their products to foreign country if they do not have enough economic knowledge. The business center can teacher farmer practical economic knowledge. Using that knowledge, farmers can bargain with foreigner and obtain the profits that they deserved. 

Finally, the area needed by the business center is much smaller than the agricultural center. The agricultural demand an extensive range of land to sow many kinds of vegetable, otherwise, the business center, only calls for just several rooms. Because land is extremely scarce in my country, building the business is the sensible option.  

Taking into account all the factors, business center can improve the economy condition, help people earn money, and does not need a large rang of land like agricultural center does. I strongly favor constructing a business center.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-4-15 8:09:53编辑过]

terminator8

第二天自己再看,果然发现好多错误哦,呵呵.

还请高手发表意见哦,谢谢!

tomatohead

At present(Recently), a university (in China) wants to build a research center in my country(remove). Some people believe that an agricultural center should be built. However, as far as I am concerned, a business center will bring us more advantages. Afterwards, I would explain my opinions about it(remove. You only need thesis statement in first paragraph, that's all). 

The most persuasive point is that we are in badly(a bad) economic condition at present. Homeless rummage trash cans for food, laid-off people have an inadequate income(under poverty level income)and can not meet their rents, and even the educated people have troubles to find proper work(job), because the employment rate in my country is outrageously low. The
                appearance of the business center(Building a business center) may most likely resolve this difficulty. After analyzing all kinds of data systemically, the business research center can tell us some useful methods depend on which we can stimulate our economy and then can rejuvenate the economic(rephrase it. After systematically analyze the economy's over all problems, can we be able to find solutions to resolve it). From this point of view, we can say that the it is a wise choice to build a business center.. 

Furthermore, farmers in my country are good at cultivating, so the agricultural center is not necessary. As things stand now, the products of agricultural in my country is enough, so(therefore,why so many students like using "so"? it is informal!) a large part of the surplus grain will sell to the foreign country which can not provide enough cereal to its people. Seldom can farmers earned enough money by exporting their products to foreign country if they do not have enough economic knowledge(depend on statistics? how did you know?). The business center can teacher farmer practical economic knowledge. Using that knowledge, farmers can bargain with foreigner and obtain the profits that they deserved. 

Finally, the area needed by the business center is much smaller than the agricultural center. The agricultural demand an extensive range of land to sow many kinds of vegetable,(;)otherwise, the business center, only calls for just several rooms. Because land is extremely scarce in my country, building the business is the sensible option.  

Taking into account all the factors, business center can improve the economy condition, help people earn money, and does not need a large rang of land like agricultural center does. I strongly favor constructing a business center.

terminator8

非常感谢tomatohead的修改!

认真看了,很有道理

还想问一下tomatohead,是不是这篇文章里的大多是逻辑错误,语言错误不多?

因为我写的时候光主意语言了.

谢谢!

tomatohead

You obviously have both logic and grammar problems.

Joypan

以下是引用tomatohead在2007-4-17 10:36:00的发言：
You obviously have both logic and grammar problems.

agree.

zdlukeluck

At present（Currently）, a university wants to build a research center in my country(希望楼主不要重复topic的话). Some people believe that an agricultural center should be built(indubitably, the project of building a agricultural center appeals to some a lot). However, as far as I am concerned, a business center will(might) bring us more advantages. Afterwards, I would explain my opinions about it. 

The most persuasive point is that we are in badly economic condition at present(楼主，你这句的表意很不清楚). Homeless rummage trash cans for food, laid-off people have(suffer) an inadequate(pathetically low, 建议楼主尝试用副词修饰形容词，这样更生动) income and can not(barely, 建议楼主不要用过于绝对的词，用副词表限定) meet their rents(ends), and even the(those) educated people have troubles to find proper(proper这个次用的不是太好，建议楼主用ideal) work, because the employment rate in my country is outrageously low.(When facing the brutal assault from unemployeement, employeement opportunities, no matter how adequate, are invariably seemed not enough) The appearance of the business center may most likely resolve this difficulty(太突兀，建议用a new business center might, to some extent, help solve such a tough problem). After analyzing(via通过分析，用after不好) all kinds of data systemically, the business research center can(will not fail to) tell us some(plentiful) useful methods depend on which we can stimulate our economy and then(不用then, 加of course) rejuvenate the economic. From this point of view, we can say that it is a wise choice to build a business center.. (the mentioned advantages, I believe perhaps, would suffice to support the plan to build a business center)

Furthermore(To such aspects, another must be added), farmers in my country are good at cultivating(语言这里用的太低级，Farming, in our country, has never ever been even a mere challenge to a multitude of skilled farmers), so(consequently), the agricultural center is not necessary(utterly out of necessarity). As things stand now, the products of agricultural in my country is enough, so a large part of the surplus grain will sell to the foreign country which can not provide enough cereal to its people. Seldom(建议不要用seldom, 这是很过时的词，可用rarely或oddly) can farmers earned enough money by exporting their products to foreign country if they do not have enough economic knowledge(they are not equipped with some indipensable economic knowledge). The business center can teacher(teach) farmer practical economic knowledge. Using that(the) knowledge, farmers can bargain with foreigner and obtain the (utmost)profits that they deserved(这个词用得烂极了，can possibly gain). 

Finally(in the end of the day, 这是比较地道的用法，建议楼主使用), the area needed by the business center is much smaller than the agricultural center（楼主这句的表意我不清楚）. The agricultural demand（demands） an extensive range of land to sow many kinds(diverse) of vegetable, otherwise, the business center, only calls for just several rooms. Because(As, 建议楼主用as和for表原因，告别because) land is extremely scarce in my country, building the business is the sensible option.  

Taking into account all the factors, business center can improve the economy condition, help people earn money, and does not need a large rang of land like agricultural center does. I strongly favor constructing a business center.(没有特点的结尾)

 

楼主的这篇文章在没有修改前，只有3分。在修改后4分应该是可以的。

楼主英语的运用能力的确还有待加强，建议楼主仔细研究NCE3 和NCE4，TWE也是不错的选择。