[求助]第一次写，请大家给点意见！（AA）

ninaluan

知道写得不怎么样，请给指点一下，好有个努力方向！！谢谢！
In the argument, author reaches the conclusion that the reduction of cost will be realized by efficient work and long experience. In order to support his conclusion, the development of color film served as an evidence, and long experience is also adopted as the assumption of the cost reduction. At the first glance, the argument seems to be fully supported by above two points. However, a cautious examination will easily find out the following obvious fallacies.

In the first place, the author oversimplifies the reasons that can explain the cost reduction. Contributing the cost reduction solemn to the efficient organization work is unacceptable, because more important and possible factors should been taken into account, such as the mass production, reduced labour cost, economic scale and so on. Since there are so many helpful reasons that could explain the cost reduction are not be ruled out by the author, the evidence is worthless and insufficient to assess the argument.

In the second place, the author fails to consider the changes may occur in different time and different place and assumes everything is still in all circumstances. According to the argument, the cost reduction happened after 14 years. It is incredible that everything remains the same during these years. In the common sense, various factors concerning the cost will greatly altered. However, the author neglects to compare the conditions in 1970 and with that in 1984. Thus, we cannot get the conclusion without any other clarification about the background information.

In the third place, the author commits a false analogy. In the argument, the author assumes color film as an equivalent to processing food. This assumption is weak, since the two industries have so much dissimilarity, such as the process conditions， applications in different areas. It is unconvincing to cite the color film example to evidence cost reduction in processing food.

In the fourth place, the author forgets to explain the connection between the cost reduction and long experience. As a matter of fact, cost reduction and long experience have a very relax connection, they may occur at the same time, but the latter is not always responsible for the former. We could see many companies bankrupted with long experience and history. Failure to specify the causality between cost reduction and long experience leave the last point powerless to support the argument.

Generally, the author needs to provide adequate justification in favor of the argument. To strengthen the argument, the author should rule out any other factors related to cost reduction except efficient organization work, and establish the basic connection between two industries. To assess the argument we need positive background information to make the progress in different time comparable.

excellent

如果是在规定的时间内写完，可以顺利过关，但我个人认为有个别句子略显生硬，多看看优秀范文对你会大有好处！

Taurus

Pretty good!

A few mistakes in grammar, though. Need a little bit more attention.

Again, an excellent piece of work considering your first time of writing it!!!

ninaluan

谢谢两位给我的鼓励！能不能烦劳指出一两点具体错误，万分感谢！

rill

我的作文写的不好，不敢妄加评论，但我同意excellent的意见，套模板的感觉比较明显。
其实作文就是一种感觉，就像你看文章时一样，具体哪里软硬倒在其次。
你有这么好的基础，再写两三篇，就会有自己的感觉，不再生硬。不必去刻求。

个人意见，未必正确，给你参考。

Taurus

[face=Georgia]In the second place, the author fails to consider the changes （加that，否则从句没有引导词）may occur in different time and different place （places）and assumes everything is still in （under）all circumstances（有点别扭，改成everything is the same under all circumstances 吧，能好一点）. According to the argument, the cost reduction happened after 14 years. It is incredible that everything remains the same during these years. In the common sense, various factors concerning the cost will greatly altered（很明显吧）. However, the author neglects to compare the conditions in 1970 and with that （前面既然是复数，这里就该是those）in 1984. Thus, we cannot get the conclusion without any other clarification about the background information[/face].

以此段为例，T最近有点忙，不能全文修改了。。

[此贴子已经被作者于2003-11-4 11:50:02编辑过]

ninaluan

实在感谢！

ninaluan

以下是引用rill在2003-11-4 8:58:00的发言：
我的作文写的不好，不敢妄加评论，但我同意excellent的意见，套模板的感觉比较明显。
其实作文就是一种感觉，就像你看文章时一样，具体哪里软硬倒在其次。
你有这么好的基础，再写两三篇，就会有自己的感觉，不再生硬。不必去刻求。

个人意见，未必正确，给你参考。

我都快哭了！第一次有人有人说我基础好！我也觉得套的太明显了，可是我又不敢写在多自己的话，一来英语水平有限，相信都看到了！二来我怕说着说着就不对劲了！如果不能立新意，反而让人读着不懂就倒霉了！！

anchoret

不用担心，你的基础的确不错。可以了。继续练练就好了

rill

至少学英语也有10年吧？基本功足够扎实了。别太没自信哦！
多写多看，从陌生到熟悉，有了感觉就好了。“无他，但手熟而”