[求助]大家帮忙看看我的作文（又有更新，接着继续请指正）

Alpenliebe

When students are admitted into school or university, everyone does hope to enjoy this brevity but priceless life full of ambition and dreams. And generally speaking, having some good roommates means a half success of school life, because they are someone with whom we will live together, study together and play together. So, in my opinion, among the important qualities of a good roommate are easy-going, congenial and aspirant.

Easy-going is the essential quality which I value very much. To many students, it is the first time that they live a independent life in a strange place far away from home. Wandering in the school and finding surrounding circumstance full of unfamiliar face and different custom, they can easily suffer from the feeling of awkward and somewhat lonely. As the first people they go along with, easy-going roommates surely have the magic power to banish their upset feeling, making they know, in this strange place, they still have somebody to say "morning" when they get up, to chat with when they return to the dorm after finishing the daily study, to ask for help when they fall in troubles and there still is a little room that always welcome you. This homelike atmosphere not only effectively make they quickly suit to the pace of school life, but also act as the support of their achievement in study.

Matching with easygoing is the quality of congenial, which acts like the chemical bond among our individual atoms. I still remembered the happy time I spent with my former roommates, even though I have moved to a new room for almost one year, because of the change of my major. Every evening, lying on the bed, we would discussed the legend of warrior and historian event in the ancient Japan, the palatable food and nosh in our own hometown, the highlight of the exciting football or basketball matches and other things that we all have great interesting; many Friday afternoon when we all have no classes, we would go out to climb the hill not far away and have a picnic there with stranding beautiful view. My roommates and I had so much in common that none of us worried that we had no topics and activities when we were free, which built up great relationship among us and strengthen the harmony atmosphere in my dorm.

Just as what I have said above, we live with roommates for a long time. So, apparent and inevitable, we will influence each other when some subtle changes take place on ourselves before we notice them. Nowadays, in my school, there are many students overindulge themselves with online games, and it is not surprising to notice that if there is one who addict in games in the dorm, the others more or less have the same trend. Our main aim in school is to build our knowledge system and prepare for our further development, so living with aspirant roommates can make us monitor and encourage each other, which will result in the progress in the study.

[此贴子已经被作者于2006-10-31 19:20:40编辑过]

Alpenliebe

来人啊

Alpenliebe

真心求教啊~~~~~~~

zibu31

这是什么考试的作文，不会是托福吧，是的话就太长了，有500字吧。

总体来说写的很好的，结尾显得有点累赘，不过不会影响分数的吧。如果考试时有这样的发挥，我想得到满分不是不可能的。

g59490155

well in my opinion 4 -5

charmant

我感觉中间展开不够充分，前面提到的三项，aspirant在后面好像没有明确的呼应。结尾段太长我当时写的时候结尾就写了一句话，因为当时只剩下一分钟。

语言不错也挺生动的，有点明显的错误。最后段第一行作为副词的那两个词是否应该用apparently and inevitably？

要是用点名人的例子会更好；但是写了个人经历，挺不错的。有些词我感觉有点转文了。比方说palatable food，我感觉在阅读中间都很少见到这种词的，似乎美国人也不太常用。词汇的深度我个人认为应该体现在多样化上，就是多次提到的意思用不同的词表达，比方说important, essential, crucial, critical

或者difference, discrepancy之类的。感觉楼主用了不少GRE的词汇

我给4.5分

Alpenliebe

以下是引用charmant在2006-10-29 13:19:00的发言：

我感觉中间展开不够充分，前面提到的三项，aspirant在后面好像没有明确的呼应。结尾段太长我当时写的时候结尾就写了一句话，因为当时只剩下一分钟。

我没写结尾段的，最后一段就是第三点啊~~

Alpenliebe

NO。1

Many famous people achieve great success without formal study in college or university, but there still are numerous people work hard to attend college or university every year. And the following three reasons explain why they make this choice.

 

Some people attend college or university with the purpose of making friends. There are different kinds of activities in school which offer a great deal of chances for them to make friends with different people from different races, different places and different majors, though whom they can learn interesting custom, useful information and so on. Sometimes, these friends could be very helpful in life or work. For instance, if someone suddenly encounters a transport accident when he goes out with a friend from the major of clinic medicine, this friend could do some emergency work which will maintain his life before he is sent to hospital. And on another situation, someone who is asked to make poster for a international meeting could consult to his friends from the major of art for some advice.

 

To have a good job is another reason held by many people. College or university offer many advanced classes which enlarge the student's knowledge pool and foster a ability to give a deep thinking to the problem from distinct aspects, and there are many valuable lecture given by famous scientist or entrepreneurs, though which students could absorb new information and theories developed from experiments and actual work. All of these above grant students from college or university advantages when they compete for a good job with those who graduate from high school. And even more, to some humble students from remote area and without any background, attending college or university is accepted as the only way to change their and their family’s destiny, if they could find good jobs in big cities.

 

However, many other students reluctant to attend college or university, submissive to their parents' will. In many places, it is a very prideful event that someone's kid is admitted into college or university, which will give glory and improvement in social position to this family. So, in general, it is this vanity that lures parents to persist that their kids should attend college or university. Unfortunately, their neglects of the children’s opinion usually result in a passive attitude towards life in college or university, let along the improvement in knowledge.

我现在写作文还是有以前的毛病，就是要仔细思考好了才写，结果写一篇要话比较长的时间啊

[此贴子已经被作者于2006-10-29 20:33:28编辑过]

Alpenliebe

请教

山衔落日

感觉楼主的作文是比较典型的中国学生写法，几段式议论文，写得应该不错，分数不会低。不过我对作文不太在行，也不太好多说。只是有一点，如果楼主写作文有要仔细思考再下笔的习惯的话，可能对口语很不利。