我的自荐信,大家帮忙改改 急急急~~~

gonghao

以下是引用leighyao在2006-4-10 12:27:00的发言：

It is easy to pick up the grammar bug but not the expression one.

Forget about Chinese. Think in English and write in English.

同意，totally agree

这是偶努力的方向啊～～～～

支持

水滴石穿

太厉害了,谢谢大家.真是听大家一言胜读十年书啊.偶的文章实在太烂了.真的写不出来什么了.自己成绩又不是很好,也从没有获过什么奖,又没有班长学生会主席一类的领导才能可以炫耀.真不知道自己还有什么优点,又跟商业沾上边的更是找不出来.唯一有的工作经验可以说下就不错了.哎....

gonghao

那楼主妹妹就改着看吧，感觉差不多了，再贴上来看看，就可以submit了

祝好运！！！

水滴石穿

What qualities do you have that would make you successful in the Bachelor of Commerce program? (200 words max.)

I have good communication skills, people always feel relaxed and happy beside me because of my humor. In me, you will see an optimistic and easy-going character.  I participated in varieties of activities frequently and contributed a great deal to community affairs and meanwhile I’ve done good performance in all subjects of my studies.

Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic goals. (200 words max.)

I got a chance to be a sales clerk which is a internship position in(还是AT?) marketing department in  QINDA CHEMICALS CO.,LTD.(changed name to HEBEI BEST CHEMICALS CO.,LTO) in my hometown for three months after graduated from senior high school. At that company I worked with lots of people who are expert in marketing. From these moths, I found that I'm getting interesting in commerce little by little and I learned a lot about commerce from my first job. And such working experience makes me know about commerce much deeper than usual and believe I can do well in my academic courses in department of commerce.

Please include any additional information about yourself that you would like the Admissions Committee to consider when reviewing your application. (500 words max.)

With highly determination, I wouldn't have been daunted by any difficulties. Given opportunities，I believe that I would try my best to achieve the goal. I have wide range of interests from  art  to music and  photography ,etc. I am a helpful, reliable person that helps me make a lot of friends . I always share happiness with others and help them solve the problems. By submiting some good points about satisfying consumer needs to QINDA CHEMICALS CO.,LTD, I gained great praise form my boss and co-workers. Thus, I believe I can do well in commerce.

改了改,不知道是不是好点了,大家再帮帮忙.

[此贴子已经被作者于2006-4-10 16:38:25编辑过]

gonghao

What qualities do you have that would make you successful in the Bachelor of Commerce program? (200 words max.)

First of all, I have good communication skills both in chinese and english which is very imporatant to the Bachelor of Commerce program.Second , I can get along well with different person in different culture.People will feel comfortable and happy with my humor all the time. Third,it will be easy for you to findout optimistic and easy-going personality from my conversation and behaviour.last but the most important thing is I can get my time well arranged and use it efficiently. For example, I participated in varieties of activities frequently and contributed a great deal of my time to the community affairs and meanwhile I'd done good performance in all subjects of my studies which makes me vey proud.

Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic goals. (200 words max.)

I got a chance to be a sales clerk which is a internship position in marketing department in QINDA CHEMICALS CO.,LTD.(changed name to HEBEI BEST CHEMICALS CO.,LTO) in my hometown for three months after graduated from senior high school. At that company I met a lot of person with great passion and energy and also well trained in marketing. In these moths, they taught me lot's of basic knowledge about both commerce and markting.I did learn a lot from my first job and know about commerce much deeper than usual.I found that I'm getting interested in commerce little by little . Finally ,I decide to apply for commerce in which i'm really interested as my major curriculum in university.

Please include any additional information about yourself that you would like the Admissions Committee to consider when reviewing your application. (500 words max.)

With highly determination, I wouldn't have been daunted by any difficulties. Given opportunities，I believe that I would try my best to achieve the goal. I have wide range of interests from  art  to music ,from photography to travelling and etc. I am a reliable person with good temper that helps me make a lot of friends . I always share happiness with others and help them solve the problems. I gained great praise and compliments from my boss and co-worker for my great idea which not only meet the consumer needs very well but also makes my boss and the company very satisfying.Thus, I think I can do my job very well in my future commerce program as good as that in QINDA CHEMICALS CO.,LTD.

  

重新组织了一下，有不好的继续改啊 ，

但愿有用吧，有不对的自己再看看啊，

今天兴趣来了，想改改，虽然自己英文也很烂啦

八卦了,

1.但是感觉楼主最后一段一定要重写，我只是在你的基础之上改，但总觉的有点空洞。该有点实质内容才行。夸自己是远远不够的，需要事例来佐证。

2.注意字数～～～～

[此贴子已经被作者于2006-4-11 12:10:24编辑过]