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[申请总结] 求大神们给我的personal statement一点建议

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楼主
发表于 2021-10-3 16:23:13 发自 iPhone | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
这是一篇申请爱丁堡的金融学的ps,之前机构给我提交了risk & banking的,但我觉得太模版了,希望能写得更有个性一点,于是自己准备再DIY另外一个Finance专业,这几天都在修改,求求大神给点建议吧!
My interest in finance was generated from an experience of investment when I managed part of my family assets. To catch up with the changing market, I started watching financial news every day and recently I heard about the news that carbon neutral has attracted great attention from the international community, which means a huge need of capital investment to support the newly born entities. Then I made up my mind to join the great project by dedicating myself to the investment field, investing capital into environmentally friendly industries. Before that, I have to master advanced financial knowledge through postgraduate study.
During my postgraduate study, I was continuously improving my professional knowledge. First of all, I performed outstandingly in the curriculums. Obtaining an average GPA of 3.88/4.25, I particularly did well in quantitative courses, which means the quantitative parts of postgraduate study is not a problem for me. In particular, I found it charming to study pricing models by rigorously proving Black Scholes model in Mathematical Finance. Apart from quantitative area, I also did well in economics. In the final exam of Macroeconomics, I presented an excellent analysis for the economic phenomenon caused by Covid-19 utilising AS-AD model, Solow model, etc. Additionally, I developed my programming skills by conducting statistical analysis on RStudio. In my final essay of Bayesian Statistics, I conducted a credit assessment by building a linear discriminant analysis model on RStudio. Moreover, to raise my proficiency in finance, I self-studied CFA and planned to attend the examination in November this year. During the preparation stage, I acquired a comprehensive fundamental understanding of finance, laying a strong basis for further study in finance in the future. The proudest achievement for me in financial academic field was the publication of an essay in an academic study in advanced investment. Working in a group, we sorted out the varying impacts of trading constraints on the Sharpe ratios of portfolios derived from Markowitz model and Index model. As the group leader, I showed my leadership by holding regular discussions with teammates and assigning tasks according to their different backgrounds. To sum up, I have experienced challenging undergraduate academic study and I am ready to face more challenges in further study.
To improve my professional skills, I interned in several projects. This summer, I acted as a project planer in Guangdong Blueocean Elite Asset Management Company. By researching information online, we found only 4.12% of individual investors earning from investments, so we proposed indexing investment idea, investing in ETFs with a rational trading strategy, which is expected to achieve a 15% rate of return with low volatility and drawdown. After rigorous design, the idea and possible strategies were successfully presented to the customers. To acquire practical experience in corporate finance, I interned in an IPO project in Haitong Securities recently. During the due diligence process, I acted as a problem solver by proposing an idea of attaching coupons and discounts to solve the low response rate to letters in the confirmation process of sales. What impressed me the most was how a company develops from a tiny entity into a huge listed corporation, and I was literally touched by the responsibility of the entrepreneur.
Through internships, I felt motivated to dedicate myself in the finance field, helping corporations finance while contributing values to the society. In the first three to five years after graduation, I plan to enter a security company, accumulating industry research skills, and my dream is to start up a venture capital company with a group of intelligent elites, devoting our professional skills to the realisation of great ideas that are to benefit the environment and human beings.
It is challenging to work in the finance field since it has increasing demand for high-skilled and extremely focused workers, so an appropriate financial postgraduate study is a necessary for me to chase my dream. I find that Master of Finance in the University of Edinburgh perfectly matches my condition. First and foremost, the various compulsary and optional modules provided by the programme is going to improve my professionalism in the finance field through teaching me mathematical models and conducting financial case studies. Additionally, since I have realised that the key challenges of the financial industry are the fast pace adoption of technology and development of industries, a programme that is closely connected to the industry will raise my employability. The University of Edinburgh has widespread industry links, so I can attend lectures delivered by guest speakers and keep abreast with the latest industry information. Last, the career development and networking activities puts me in front of employers so that I will be groomed for employment.
Please take my application into consideration. Thank you!
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沙发
发表于 2021-10-3 23:36:08 | 只看该作者
成绩提一嘴就行了吧,人家会看成绩单,你连期末考试考啥、CFA写进去没啥必要 感觉很冗杂 整体感觉你只是在复述细化你的简历,你看第一段和第二段就没啥逻辑关系,跳跃太大。最过普通、实用的模板ps也是从你从什么时候对finance感兴趣,哪个点吸引了你,之后你做了什么,再到你觉得这个program为什么适合你。我建议你就从manage family asset开始写,你在管理的过程中出现过什么有趣的事情,得到什么教训,再过渡到实习经历(To improve skills),在实习中又学到了什么实操经验。最后在why I am a good fit 的时候再提自己的成绩、学校表现、career path,舔一下项目就完事了。ps要personal,不是详解简历,要unique!段与段之间要有逻辑连接,不是一味的夸自己,要把自己的insight写出来,希望对你有帮助
板凳
发表于 2021-10-3 23:48:31 | 只看该作者
再细看我感觉你还是去看看fiverr网站上找个native或者外教改一改吧,感觉用词、逻辑不大对味。“During my postgraduate study, I was continuously improving my professional knowledge” 课堂上学的是academic knowledge还是professional knowledge?况且你下面说实习improve professional skill,我觉得有矛盾。“Obtaining an average GPA of 3.88/4.25, I particularly did well in quantitative courses, which means the quantitative parts of postgraduate study is not a problem for me”再加个which从句真的有必要吗?“It is challenging to work in the finance field since it has increasing demand for high-skilled and extremely focused workers, so an appropriate financial postgraduate study is a necessary for me to chase my dream” 有 is a necessary这种用法吗?
地板
发表于 2021-10-13 01:18:53 发自 iPhone | 只看该作者
gmat狗看着 语法好难受 但是我的错 我走 楼主加油
5#
 楼主| 发表于 2021-12-11 17:43:35 | 只看该作者
666lgc 发表于 2021-10-3 23:36
成绩提一嘴就行了吧,人家会看成绩单,你连期末考试考啥、CFA写进去没啥必要 感觉很冗杂 整体感觉你只是在 ...

同意!               
6#
 楼主| 发表于 2021-12-11 18:24:34 发自 iPhone | 只看该作者
666lgc 发表于 2021-10-03 23:48:31
再细看我感觉你还是去看看fiverr网站上找个native或者外教改一改吧,感觉用词、逻辑不大对味。...

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