Please help me review this essay and give my comment...

cheeyong

以下是引用tina_aya在2005-9-21 19:45:00的发言：

Can someone help me review this essay?  Is this good or not.  ls everybody advise comment to me.  Thks everyone help....^^

  In no more than five sentences, please describe the professional environment in which you envision yourself one year after obtaining your MBA. Please be as specific as possible, including job title/description, industry and if possible, firm.

Internationalization is a current trend. After one year MBA course, it will increase my business knowledge of ability and more depth international concept. Compared with the same age business people, my English communication skill is better and has better competition capability. When I come back to our company, I believe upon my ability that after had trained by your MBA course I will push our company to an international stage and being a more important role in company and earn more money.

Frankly speaking, there is a lot of room for the improvement of you writing.

DengShuji

以下是引用tina_aya在2005-9-21 19:45:00的发言：

Can someone help me review this essay?  Is this good or not.  ls everybody advise comment to me.  Thks everyone help....^^

  In no more than five sentences, please describe the professional environment in which you envision yourself one year after obtaining your MBA. Please be as specific as possible, including job title/description, industry and if possible, firm.

Internationalization is a current trend. After one year MBA course, it will increase my business knowledge of ability and more depth international concept. Compared with the same age business people, my English communication skill is better and has better competition capability. When I come back to our company, I believe upon my ability that after had trained by your MBA course I will push our company to an international stage and being a more important role in company and earn more money.

I felt much better for my essays after reading yours..Thanks

cicilla

I felt much better for my essays after reading yours..Thanks

Faint,how can you build your confidence on others, hehe. I read some from other friends. Some are perfect!-

wingback

以下是引用DengShuji在2005-9-23 13:26:00的发言：

I felt much better for my essays after reading yours..Thanks

这个……也显得太不厚道了吧？Helping others great is helping yourself great.

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-24 11:10:43编辑过]

cicilla

Helping other great is helping yourself great

GG is so great! I did not realize before....You Yan Bu Shi Tai Mountain.

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-23 22:21:20编辑过]

jkmbe

i am curious about LZ's gmat score

eeyupyup

以下是引用DengShuji在2005-9-23 13:26:00的发言：

I felt much better for my essays after reading yours..Thanks

I think you crossed the line here. I really dont feel what you said is funny or maybe it is not a joke at all. The purpose of this forum is to proivide a friendly environment to share insights and help out each other. That said, criticism is welcomed and it is what LZ is looking for. Your negativity is NOT.

eeyupyup

以下是引用wingback在2005-9-23 21:21:00的发言：

这个……也显得太不厚道了吧？Helping other great is helping yourself great.

Cant agree more!!!!!!

ring_cheng

to be frank，读完确实有些文不对眼的感觉。

就像其它朋友所说，文章其实问的是你在读完MBA后的职业发展情况，会在什么公司，将从事什么工作，而这些是跟你的职业目标相联系的：读MBA之前有什么发展目标，通过MBA解决了什么GAP，目标的达成就体现在职业的进步发展之中。这些都是你写的时候需要考虑的。还要注意跟其它ESSAY保持一致性。

支持eeyupyup，这里是一个大家共同讨论共同进步的论坛，良好的秩序需要每个人来维护。请注意自己的言行！

tina_aya

谢谢各位的意见,下面是我重改的内容,我知道我的写作不好,需要各位的帮忙,谢谢

After having graduated, I will come back to Giftex Corporation Ltd. to continue its development. Using the knowledge and skill to achieve my company the greatest efficiency with the smallest amount of resources and labor and expand out operations into the world. After having plentiful textile expression, I wish to join a renowned haberdashery brand name company. With my specialization in garments and marketing skill, I believe that I will be able to understand more about the company's image, helping the company to create a marketing strategy in line with its brand name and to make tailor-made and suitable clothing.