准备申请NYU的小学妹一枚 可以帮我看下吗

Kwangchiu

这是我准备拿来申请NYU Accounting Master的文书 可否大神们帮我看下呢  因为实在是太想去NYU了 心里想写更好一点。 Mark Twain once said “Make your mark inNew York and you are a made man.” His words and stories of my friends whostudies at Steinhardt Music School of New York University, encouraged me tovisit New York University during my first winter break. The violet flags wavingin the New York City became the symbol of NYU’s integrated education withbusiness world of Manhattan. Students at NYU have welcoming personalities, globalperspectives, and strong professional skills. I want to became one of thosebrilliant student and my passion lies in the Master in Accounting program atStern Business school. I love the MSA program at NYUfor several reasons. The first is the “no campus but campus everywhere”culture, which helps students blend into New York City quickly and network morefrequently because the classes are all over the city. I actively participatedin professional organizations such as IIA and GSCPA and found myself learningthe practical accounting knowledge with professional panels. When invited asthe first student presenter by the GAAE (Georgia Association of AccountingEducators) Conference to help present my research project on accounting PhDdatabase, I was stressed about presenting in a big group of professors and socializingwith them as English is not my first language. However, the presentation wonlots of praise because I prepared myself for it. I have learned to handlestress effectively and enjoyed talking with people to learn from theirexperience and passions. In my graduate program, I would like to contribute tothe professor’s research and purse opportunities to network with people. Secondly, my aspiration ofbecoming a licensed CPA with a globalized horizon and effective communicationskills are virtues presented by Stern’s MSA program. As a trilingual studentwith a warm personality, I can adapt to a fast changing environment and workcollaboratively. My goal is to make good use of my language and accountingskills in global business. Being located in Manhattan, I believe NYU is thebest place to help student develop a strong global business acumen. Moreover,when I was in the audit team in Deloitte & Touche LLP this summer, Iaudited databases using knowledge I have never learned before and held inquiry meetingwith the Board of Committee of the client company. By then, the communicationskills and self-teaching ability played critical roles in group working,problem discussing, and task completing. Thus, I appreciate the advancedcommunication course offered in the MSA program. With my highest aspiration ofbecoming an accounting partner, I am currently interviewing withPricewaterCooper for summer internships and preparing to take BEC in CPA beforeentering the master program. I am looking to join the professionalorganizations at NYU and pass 2-3 parts of CPA exams upon graduation.Furthermore, I would network for job opportunities in the Big Four and worktowards a manager in about 5 years actively. All in all, I want to become awomen profession overcomes challenges in New York. 有没有什么好建议呢 谢谢啦

yqf

Missing 'who' in the last sentence and using 'professional' instead of 'profession'. Should be 'I want to become a women professional who overcomes challenges in New York'.

clch

我觉得楼主应该找native speaker proofreader. 有不少grammatical mistake.