Essay Help Course

sdyx0

Final Steps
Read Your Essay Out Loud: To help you polish the essay even further, read it out loud. You will be amazed at the faulty grammar and awkward language that your ears can detect. This will also give you a good sense of the flow of the piece and will alert you to anything that sounds too abrupt or out of place. Good writing, like good music, has a certain rhythm. How does your essay sound? Is it interesting and varied or drawn out and monotonous?

sdyx0

Essay samples: Unedited and edited(1)
Career Decisions & Significant Events
Unedited Version (the "Before")
Essay 1: Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Also discuss your career plans and why you want to obtain an MBA.

Since I was four years old, my father has left my mother and I for Indonesia to start his textile company. He has come back to Singapore once for a year. In order to enhance our relationship, we used to talk over the phone. As early as when I was Grade 8, I possessed my first computer for the main purpose of sending electronic mail to my father. From that time, using the Internet has captured most of my spare time. In the summer of 1992, I had a valuable chance of volunteering in the library to assist people using computers to look for the books or to get access on the Internet. At the same time, my father's business had been suffering from keen competition and out-dated machines for two years. He then started to automate the production line by investing in new innovated technologies, and hiring some technicians. When I visited him, the new automated production line and the whole computerized firm amused me, because this was the system that rescued my father's business. Since then, my interest in information technology has been ever growing. After I came to Canada, I even use electronic mail and ICQ to communicate with my parent, and choose MIS as my core course. I found that IT is so powerful that it not only helps companies become more competitive, but also bridges people ocean apart. This arouses my desire to work in IT industry.

Second, self-satisfaction also affects my career decision. Although monetary reward is practically important in reality, opportunity to learn and job prospect are even more crucial factors for me to be really happy and satisfied. I like learning new skills and acquiring up-dated information, because they can help me adapt the fast-changing world, enrich my experiences, explore my interest, and give me higher self-esteem as I am a valuable person. In addition, a job with a bright prospect gives me incentives to improve myself. Thus, as I become more experienced and knowledgeable, I can pursue a higher level of career and help others. This is my true happiness. For instance, I am now volunteering in an on campus organization, Job Web, in which I am responsible for posting jobs on the World Wide Web, answering questions and making information handouts. I am interested in this job because I can learn how to use a software program, can improve my interpersonal skills by answering students' questions, and can enrich my research experience. These skills are valuable because I can use them in future. I can feel myself to become more productive and knowledgeable.

In short run, after graduating from the Master degree, I will work in an IT related industry, either in a consulting firm or financial institution, as a system analyst or a consultant. Moreover, in my private time, I will attend a computer-programming course in order to continuously update myself and become more competitive. In long run, when I have gathered enough managerial and analysis skills and experiences, I plan to have my own consulting company.

Therefore, attending a Master Science program definitely can smooth my path to pursue my goal. The program can deepen expertise and broaden my perspectives. Moreover, the MIS option can help me to specialize my skills in IT areas that I have not yet learned from my undergraduate degree. Since I have been in UT for four years, I am familiar with and have confidence in the faculty professors whom I believe can help me become an IT professional.

Essay 2: Describe two events in your life to date that demonstrate your ability to do well in business.

Without this disease, I might not have been initiative and willing to face challenges. Without the chance of being a Special Event Director, I might not learn what the leadership skill was.

During my six years in primary school (Grade 1 to Grade 6), most of my classmates always kept distance from me and called me "alien" and I was very lonely. The reason is that I had a severe Dermatitis since I was born. My arms and legs were full of ulcers, sores, bandages and scars. I always felt itchy and painful, and I dared not play with others. Moreover, my hairs had never been longer that two inches and I must have to wear T-shirts and shorts in summer in order to keep my skin dry and from getting infection. Some dermatologists even said that I was hardly fully recovered. However, my parents and relatives had not been given me up, and they always encouraged me and gave me unconditional tenders. Therefore, I had a belief that I would be recovered one day, and thus I was eager to take any challenges of trying different kinds of medication, including Western and Chinese Herbals. Although my life in the primary school was only full of pain and lonesome, I learned to be brave and to face any challenges positively. Fortunately, during the summer vacation after graduating from the primary school, my power of resistance gradually became stronger and my disease got greatly improved. I only had some ulcers on my legs although my body was still full of scars. Since then, I realized that I should change my long-lasting lonely life and should not waste my precious secondary school life. Thus, since in Grade 7, I actively talked to my classmates and helped them. I also took part in many various extracurricular activities, such as VolleyBall Team, Girl Guide and Art Club. Nevertheless, one thing I still have not changed is my attitude toward risk. During every examination and competition, I told myself that I was able to do the best because nothing was tougher than the time when I was in the primary school. Before I came to Canada, I was fully recovered and earned a lot of friends. Although I had been suffered a lot from my disease, I have learned a precious lesson that I should have confidence, initiative and not afraid of failure.

When I was in the ESL program in the college in Canada, I joined the Culture Club as a Special Event Director responsible for managing a group of six members in designing and organizing various functions. Since I was in the highest level of ESL program than all of the other members, I had a tendency to think that I was the most capable. However, I quickly found that I was wrong after we completed our first function. In preparing the Singing Competition, I followed up my members' tasks very strictly and did not accept their idea very often. This turned out that I finished most of the jobs by myself and my members only assisted me in the minor tasks. The outcome was that we only had four days to promote our activity, only ten people joined the competition and the function room was not fully decorated yet. I was very depressed, and when I talked to my Club's supervisor, she just said, "I assigned you as the director because I trust you." I was shocked. Why didn't I trust my members? They were weak in language, but this did not mean that they did not have other talents. After this lesson, I started to let my members to choose the task that they were interested in and let them finish by themselves. We also expressed our ideas freely during the meetings and voted for the best. I found that not only the preparation procedure had become smooth, but also the atmosphere among us had greatly improved. We were happier and eager to devote much more time together. Most importantly, we became friends. I was proud to have opportunity to learn what a real leadership skills was and I believe that this skill will become my asset for my future career.

Edited Essay and Critique
When evaluating the quality of EssayEdge's edits, please bear in mind the quality of the original version to understand the dramatic improvement made to the essay.
Praise
The following edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
"You are absolutely the best! Your explanations were clear and extremely helpful. You manage to edit my essays without changing any important fact. The thing I was mostly impressed is how you organized my essays, the weakest point in the original and how you edit the structure of my sentences, the issue I always struggle with since I am not a native speaker. Your service was worth every penny and I would definitely recommended EssayEdge to my friends currently applying for B-schools. Additionally, it was on time ?very impressive! It took me days to write the originals and you were able to polish them in the way I probably would never be able to. Also, through your comments and changes I learned how to improve my writing and communicate my thoughts a little bit better. You almost made a frustrating application process fun. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!"
Critique
Click Here for the Edited Version.
Dear John,

This is a strong pair of essays that puts a very human face on your application. You come across as an engaging and likeable IT professional, and the details you provide about your personal life are both interesting and informative.

However, there were ways in which these essays could be improved.

The major problem I noticed with these essays was the length of your paragraphs. It is necessary to break your discussions into easily digestible segments so that the reader is not overwhelmed by the breadth of your observations. I have substantially reworked the structure of these essays to make them more accessible to the reader.

Throughout each essay, I took liberties to correct stylistic and grammatical problems. My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence. I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact.

Here are my specific notes on each original paragraph of the text:

Essay One

Paragraph 1

The first few sentences of your original draft seemed too self-pitying. It is essential to begin your essay with something that captures the reader's interest. I have provided a new introduction that illustrates the unique role that the Internet played in your family dynamic.

In addition, it is useful to separate the introduction proper from the rest of the first paragraph. I have provided a strong transition that illustrates the relevance of your volunteer IT experience.

Finally, the new second paragraph that I have adapted from your original text incorporates extensive sentence-level adjustments to improve your diction.

"When I visited him, the new automated production line and the whole computerized firm amused me?

It is best to omit this detail since it suggests that you failed to appreciate the difficulty of your father's work. See the alternative treatment of this idea I have proposed in the revised essay.

Paragraph 2

I provided a stronger transition to this sentence, which encapsulates your main motivation for pursuing a career in IT. Your original paragraph was a bit too general, so I anchored your assertions in concrete fact to make them more compelling.

"Although monetary reward is practically important in reality?

This is redundant. I suggest the following: "While monetary rewards are of practical importance?

"I like learning new skills and acquiring up-dated information, because they can help me adapt the fast-changing world, enrich my experiences, explore my interest, and give me higher self-esteem as I am a valuable person."

This is too effusive. I have provided a shorter version of this idea below.

Paragraph 3

I have improved the diction of this paragraph to make it more compelling.

"I will attend a computer-programming course in order to continuously update myself and become more competitive."

This construction is slightly awkward. You can rephrase this idea as follows: "I plan to use my private time to attend computer programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology."

Paragraph 4

I have adjusted the tone of this paragraph to use a more confident voice. For instance, I replaced the phrase, "the program can deepen expertise," with, "such a program will deepen my expertise." This adjustment is subtle, but it makes a big difference.

Essay 2

Paragraph 1

Your original introduction failed to introduce your subject to the reader in an adequate fashion or to engage his attention. Rather than summarizing your arguments in an essay this short, it is better to provide a "hook" that draws your reader into the piece. See my suggestion in the text.

Paragraph 2

This paragraph was too wordy, and many of your arguments were redundant. I have streamlined your discussion to make it more direct, and I have separated this paragraph into two parts to make it more readable.

In addition, it was necessary to reduce the graphic description of your physical ailment. It is better to focus on how you overcame adversity rather than to dwell on how you suffered as a child.

"協ull of ulcers, sores, bandages and scars. I always felt itchy and painful, and I dared not play with others. Moreover, my hairs had never been longer that two inches?

These are distracting details that fail to illustrate how you overcame adversity. I suggest reducing these descriptions to a minimum.

"During every examination and competition, I told myself that I was able to do the best because nothing was tougher than the time when I was in the primary school."

This is a very powerful argument that does a great job of illustrating your resolve. I have highlighted and expanded upon this idea in the revised essay.

Paragraph 3

This paragraph is also best divided into two separate parts. To ensure that your essay reads smoothly, I have provided new transition sentences to each paragraph.

"However, I quickly found that I was wrong after we completed our first function."

This is a good place to vary sentence length for dramatic effect. I propose the following: "I quickly learned my mistake."

"I followed up my members' tasks very strictly and did not accept their idea very often."

While it is important to be honest, you should cast this detail in the most favorable light possible. I propose the following: "I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own."

With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those which you think are best.
Overall, these essays now do a very good job of putting a human face on your application. I wish you the best of luck in the application process.

Sincerely,

Edited Essays
Essay 1: Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Also discuss your career plans and why you want to obtain an MBA.
Early in my childhood, the Internet became more than just a luxury--it became a necessity. My father moved from Singapore to Indonesia to start a textile company when I was four years old, leaving me alone with my mother. To alleviate the pressures of separation, I developed the computer skills needed for electronic communication and was able to remain in close contact with my father. This experience solidified my interest in information technology and exposed me to the enormous potential of this developing field.

In the summer of 1992, I exploited my knowledge of IT to help those in my community. I volunteered at a local library, helping people with computer and Internet-related questions. Also at that time, my father's business had launched many technological changes that led to the automation of its production line. These improvements had saved his company from bankruptcy. Visiting him and seeing how the new system had increased his profits heightened my interest in IT. I now live in Canada, where computers continue to play a large role in my daily affairs. I use electronic mail and Internet chats to communicate with both parents, and have chosen management information systems as my course of study. Information technology fascinates me not only because it makes companies more competitive, but also because it can bridge great distances to bring people together. I have much respect for and interest in the IT industry.

Personal satisfaction also plays a key role in my career decision. While monetary rewards are of practical importance, true job satisfaction springs from the opportunity to grow and learn within an industry. I enjoy acquiring new skills and information, which help me to adapt to the fast-changing world, as well as pique my interest in innovation. In addition, a career with open prospects would give me constant incentive to improve myself and to gain more knowledge. I currently volunteer for an on-campus organization, Job Web, in which I am responsible for posting employment opportunities on the World Wide Web, answering questions and preparing informative handouts. This position has broadened my computing abilities and has improved my interpersonal skills, which are crucial to any business endeavor. I enjoy the sense of productivity and usefulness I gain from the work, and feel it is a valuable experience for future employment.

Given the confluence of my personal and professional interests, my goal is to obtain a master's degree and then to work in an IT-related industry, either with a consulting firm or as a systems analyst with a financial institution. In addition to this, I plan to use my private time to attend computer programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology. When I have gathered enough experience and skills, I plan to launch a consulting company of my own.

Attending a Master's of Science program will smooth the path to these goals. Such a program will deepen my expertise and broaden my perspectives. Moreover, the MIS option will help me to hone my skills in IT areas that I have not yet encountered. As I have attended the University of Toronto for four years, I am familiar with and have confidence in the faculty professors whom I believe can help me become an IT professional.

Essay 2: Describe two events in your life to date that demonstrate your ability to do well in business.

My classmates called me "the alien," and they avoided me like the plague. As a young boy, I suffered from severe dermatitis, which filled my limbs with ulcers and scars. The true pain of my condition, however, was social; I was alienated from my classmates and lived a life of loneliness and isolation. Doctors predicted that I would never fully recover, but my parents refused to accept this. They encouraged me to hope for the future, teaching me that any obstacle could be overcome. I therefore took an active role in my health, trying many medications and herbs.

Approaching my loneliness with bravery, I came to view it as a challenge to be overcome. The summer after I graduated from primary school, my disease improved dramatically. Although my body remained riddled with scars, the ulcers vanished. The self-confidence I regained was profound; I realized that my personal will had led to this improvement. I began to seek out friendships at school, and I took part in activities like volleyball, Girl Guide, and Art Club. Through it all, my attitude toward challenges remained the same. In every examination or competition, I told myself that I could easily excel since nothing could be more difficult than what I had already overcome. By the time I moved to Canada, I had fully recovered both socially and physically. Moreover, I had learned to be confident and never to fear failure. This credo echoes through my personal life and gives me the inner resolve to succeed at any endeavor, including my professional pursuits.

Like my personal battle with dermatitis, I learned a great deal about leadership by overcoming adversity. While enrolled in an ESL program in Canada, I joined the Culture Club as a Special Event Director. I managed a group of six individuals in organizing various functions. I was the most advanced ESL student among the group, and I therefore assumed myself to be the most capable. I quickly learned my mistake. While preparing our first function, I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own. I performed most of their tasks myself, allowing them to assist me only in minor details. As a result, the function was not very successful. Few people attended, and we had problems with decorations and presentation. The setback disheartened me, and I spoke of it to the club's supervisor. She responded that she trusted my ability to succeed in the future. This comment filled me with surprise, for I realized that I had never trusted my own team members. Although they were weak in English, they had many valuable talents. I immediately changed my policy, allowing team members to choose the tasks they desired and to complete them on their own.

Meetings evolved into group brainstorming sessions, which yielded many good ideas. Most importantly, the atmosphere among us improved dramatically. We were happier and more eager to devote time to the program. I learned what true leadership is, and the experience undoubtedly improved my ability to handle challenging business situations.

Business vs. Academia
Unedited Version (the "Before")
Prompt: Describe your reasons and motivations for pursuing a graduate degree in your chosen program of study. What experiences led you to your research ambitions? Concisely state your past work in your intended field of study and in related fields. Briefly indicate your career objectives. Your statement should not exceed 1,000 words.

"We don't need this analysis to go any further! We don't need to do any extra analysis if they're not paying for it," says my manager at BCG. I have heard this many times during work, and the thought of it tears me apart. Why can't I further the analysis? This model might seem more appropriate! Don't you find this intriguing? I work in the Mergers and Acquisitions Transaction Advisory Group as a consultant at BCG, and I often find that my pursuit of knowledge is in conflict with the group's goals. I have a strong interest in Finance and Economics, and I had high hopes coming out of college that the business world would provide an excellent learning environment. This was supposed to be the place where I can apply theories and make them work in real life, right? Wrong. It turns out that work was opposite of what I had come to expect.

Limitations at work got me wondering what I really wanted to do in life. I wanted intellectual challenge, but not like the common goal of entrepreneurs: to become rich. I wanted improvement, but not the kind that requires fighting for projects with my colleagues to become promoted. I wanted knowledge, but not just the basics. I wanted to experiment. I wanted to test and refine theories, using different analysis at work, but was unable to do so because of those impediments: time limitations, clients' needs, and restraints created from my Managers and Seniors. Work just did not meet my expectations. I wanted to learn! I was definitely "disappointed."

This is the beginning of my search for something "more." I became an independent business owner with Ameritech Corporation by distributing discounted dental and vision plans. I was curious how this business model worked, so I jumped right in to experimentation and to learn about this first hand. My life became exciting! I was able to research about successful business owners and their secrets to success. I was able to learn the factors that contribute to a business' success or failure. Most of all, I had the chance to build a financial model using present theories on how I want my business to be. I found myself visiting the bookstore often to read books about finance, and got to experiment and apply my own models! This brought me joy, but more importantly, I had found my direction in life. I realized pursuing a doctoral degree in business was perfect for me.

I love the academic environment. I feel fellowship with people who are as compelled as I am to educate and challenge themselves. I feel as though everyone is connected with each other by the common goal: to learn. I have a strong interest in Finance and Economics. My interest was ignited in this area when I took Financial Economics at Dartmouth. I absorbed as much as I could during the semester and my passion for finance never stopped. My passion seduced me to write my Seniors Honors Thesis about "Picking Stocks Using Fundamental and Technical Analysis" in the last semester at Dartmouth. Finance interested me even more after I started working since I actually experienced real life cases, not only the ones in the books. This is why I believe I belong in the academia. Within this environment, I feel at home.

I love to teach. Educating others and watching them succeed makes me happy. I have conducted many individual-training courses for my downline brokers at Ameritech Corporation. The goal of the course is to incorporate the financial model I have created when I started the business. Most students from my courses have increased their sales volume by 50%.

I love to research. My passion for research developed during my last semester at Dartmouth when I decided to write a Seniors Honors Thesis on "Picking Stocks Using Fundamental and Technical Analysis." This is when I started to research on the different ways to increase returns on different portfolios using different strategies. By using only technical analysis, I was able to get a 50% return during April 2001 when the stock market started on a downhill ride. From this experience, I have developed a love to research and experiment.

Why XXX? XXX is "globally" known for excellence in its graduate as well as undergraduate programs. Any student would know where XXX is located and what it is about! I know that I can receive the best guidance at XXX to do research in various financial models from different valuation methods to complicated topics such as the Black Scholes for options pricing, especially in XXX's Business Economics program. I'm particularly interested in Professor Vousden's project on "The Impact of EPS Accretion and Dilution on Stock Prices," and would love to have a chance to learn more from him with his findings. The Business Economics program would fit me perfectly since I was an undergraduate Economics major and blending business with economics would give me the best of both worlds I am interested in. In addition to the reasons just stated, my cousin also attended XXX for his graduate studies and he has now successfully started his own company in Cambridge, Massachusetts, with large Clients such as Intel and MTV.com at his door asking for service! There is no recommendation more trustworthy to me than that provided by my family.

The main question now is: why should XXX choose me? The answer is simple: I am a highly motivated person and a quick learner who wants to do research and teach. Plus, I know I can take the challenges provided by XXX. I graduated from Dartmouth within two and a half years making me the youngest honors student (19) to graduate in that class. In addition, my ability to multi-task is superior to my colleagues in college as well as at work since during my college career, I was able to manage two internships with a full time schedule in school. Most of all, I believe that I have the ability to do research since I have already had experience in writing a thesis at Dartmouth. I can easily turn observations into analyses. Lastly, I am friendly and easy to get along with and will hopefully bring some smiles about in the classroom.

My passion for research is strong and I believe I am a good candidate for XXX. Hopefully I will be an addition to XXX's Ph.D. Program. Hope to hear from you soon!
Edited Essay and Critique
When evaluating the quality of EssayEdge's edits, please bear in mind the quality of the original version to understand the dramatic improvement made to the essay.
Praise
The following edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
"I was really astonished by your excellent edit without losing my original idea. Of over twenty advisors I met, you are absolutely best. I was also impressed with your long and detailed critique. I will recommend your site my colleagues."
Critique
Click Here for the Edited Version.
Dear Jane,

This was a very good essay, and I enjoyed reading it. You do a good job of explaining how your interest in business and economics developed, how your undergraduate studies helped you decide upon your career path, and why a Ph.D. in Business Economics from XXX is your best option at this point in your career.

However, I do have some concerns about your essay. Your original paragraphs were a bit choppy and repetitive, and they contained many sentences of the same length and structure. Consequently, I revised a number of your sentences to increase variability and to heighten the reader's interest. Your essay also lacked some necessary transitions between paragraphs, resulting in an awkward overall flow in your essay. Your language, at times, was also too colloquial and conversational, not displaying enough formality for the seriousness of such an application. Particularly troublesome was your overuse of exclamation points. This punctuation should be used only in extreme cases to denote powerful emotion. Overusing it throughout your work lessens its effect and lends an excessively colloquial tone to your writing.

My main concern is that you never explicitly state your career objectives or where you see yourself in the next five to ten years. You were asked to address these questions in your essay. Since the edited essay stands at about 950 words, you have ample room to address these issues in your final draft. When you do so, be sure to go over the rest of the essay and to cut anything you think may not be as important as the information you provide about your future career plans. This is the one remaining problem that prevents your essay from being superb.

Please note that I had to cut and move around significant portions of your original essay to improve flow and create a more coherent narrative.

Here are my specific comments on each individual paragraph of your essay:

Paragraph 1

Before: "Why can't I further the analysis? This model might seem more appropriate! Don't you find this intriguing?"

After: "I constantly had to keep my anger and disappointment in check when my manager vetoed my attempts to conduct an intricate or more appropriate project analysis."

Although it is good to use short sentences occasionally and to pose rhetorical questions, your discussion was too unstructured and conversational in the first paragraph. My edit provides a more eloquent account of your thoughts, yet one that still allows the reader to experience your dismay vicariously.

"匢 often find that my pursuit of knowledge is in conflict with the group's goals."

You should tell the reader what you thought those goals were, in order to convince him of your opinion. See the new detail I have suggested in the revised essay.

Paragraph 2

Before: "Limitations at work got me wondering what I really wanted to do in life."

After: "With the learning potential of my consulting position exhausted, I began considering the advantages of a return to academia."

Your transition was weak. By explaining to the reader that you exhausted the learning potential of your position before you began to feel unsatisfied, you show your commitment to your work, as well as your maturity.

Before: "卼he common goal of entrepreneurs: to become rich."

After: "I was uninterested in pursuing wealth at the expense of the other passions in my life."

Your statement is an oversimplification, since different entrepreneurs have different motivations for their work. By rephrasing this point, I show how you wanted to avoid falling into a trap that would result in a hollow existence.

Paragraph 3

Before: "This is the beginning of my search for something 'more.'"

After: "The day I left BCG, I was ecstatic. I felt as if I were finally free to pursue my intellectual interests. Though some may consider unemployment to be a depressing period, I relished my newfound freedom, exploring opportunities I hoped would satisfy my interests and goals."

Although I know what you meant by "more," you need to be more precise in your diction. By using an introduction that relates your emotions, as well as your thoughts, I have provided the reader with an interesting account of how you moved to your next professional experience.

Paragraph 4

I combined elements of Paragraph 6 here, because the research angle lent itself to an interesting combined paragraph. In addition, your writing was too repetitious in this paragraph, utilizing the same diction and sentence constructions in rapid succession.

"卋y the common goal: to learn."

There was no need to use a colon here. It looked awkward, and it interrupted the flow of your paragraph.

Paragraph 5

I used this paragraph later in your essay because its original placement made it repetitive and tedious to read. Although it is good to intermingle long and short paragraphs, you should avoid having too many short paragraphs in succession.

"卛ncreased their sales volume by 50%."

Great job! Citing quantifiable results of your efforts shows the efficacy of your methods. Providing such details prevents the abstraction that can cause readers to skim your essay.

Paragraph 6

This paragraph repeated information you already presented in Paragraph 4. Once you discuss an experience, such as your thesis, you are best served by not discussing it again in the next paragraph.

Paragraph 7

"'globally'"

Why did you put this in quotation marks? It is not an abstract idea, and it does not require special emphasis.

"Any student would know where XXX is located and what it is about!"

This is an oversimplification, and it is not true; some people do not know about XXX. Avoid excessive generalizations in your writing.

"I'm particularly interested in Professor Vousden's project on "The Impact of EPS Accretion and Dilution on Stock Prices,"?

This is good. You should always try to show the school that you have researched their programs and faculty, and that you have an interest in their current research.

I cut the discussion of your cousin's exploits. This discussion was not germane to your argument. In addition, name-dropping does not usually work with XXX.

Paragraph 8

"The main question now is: why should XXX choose me? The answer is simple: I am?

Although some students choose to begin paragraphs this way, I do not recommend it. What you are stating is obvious, and the reader will be able to infer that you are a great candidate from the rest of your essay. In fact, since illustrating your qualifications for admittance is the whole point of this essay, you do not want to suggest that your only qualifications are outlined in one paragraph.

Paragraph 9

I cut this paragraph because it was too clich閐 and pleading. It is better to conclude your essay on a final, powerful statement, rather than on an informal, colloquial note.

Your essay is now more compelling. I enjoyed reading and working on it, and I wish you the best of luck in the admissions process.

Sincerely,

Edited Essay
Prompt: Describe your reasons and motivations for pursuing a graduate degree in your chosen program of study. What experiences led you to your research ambitions? Concisely state your past work in your intended field of study and in related fields. Briefly indicate your career objectives. Your statement should not exceed 1,000 words.
"We don't need to take this analysis any further, especially since the client isn't paying for additional work."

I was dumbfounded. An idealistic graduate of Dartmouth College, I had imagined that the business world would provide an excellent learning environment in which to explore and apply my theoretical training. I was wrong. Working as a consultant in BCG's Mergers and Acquisitions Transaction Advisory Group, I constantly had to keep my anger and disappointment in check when my manager vetoed my attempts to conduct an intricate or more appropriate project analysis. Finding BCG to be an intellectual hinterland obsessed with churning out mediocre evaluations at a blistering pace, I constantly asked myself, "Is this really what I want to be doing?" The answer to that question--and my deep commitment to intellectual inquiry--led me to make an important decision in my life.

With the learning potential of my consulting position exhausted, I began considering the advantages of a return to academia. I was still interested in finance and economics, and I wanted to pursue a program in which I could apply my real-world experience. Unlike other colleagues who had returned to business school, however, I was uninterested in pursuing wealth at the expense of the other passions in my life. After careful examination, I realized that my passions lay in experimentation, in using complex analyses to test and refine theories. At BCG, this was impossible because of impediments such as frequent deadlines, incessant client demands, and stifling management. Since working as a consultant was becoming tedious and uninteresting, I resolved to move on and seek a more engaging opportunity.

The day I left BCG, I was ecstatic. I felt as if I were finally free to pursue my intellectual interests. Although some may consider unemployment to be a depressing period, I relished my newfound freedom, exploring opportunities I hoped would satisfy my interests and goals. Through the Ameritech Corporation, I started my own business distributing discounted dental and vision plans. Running every phase of a new business was thoroughly engrossing and exciting. I developed financial business models tailored specifically to my personal business, and I studied the strategies of other successful business owners. Poring over books and magazines in bookstores and libraries, I taught myself the fundamentals of entrepreneurship and the nuances of financial planning. Realizing that I was enjoying my new endeavor because it combined elements of both the academic and professional worlds, I decided that the next logical move for me would be to attain higher education in business practices. Researching several graduate programs, I concluded that XXX's Ph.D. program in Business Economics was my best option because it provided intense academic study within the parameters of applicable business theory.

My revived interest in academic study recalled the enriching experience I had had as an undergraduate at Dartmouth. Surrounded by intellectually engaging individuals from diverse backgrounds, I had developed an intense love of academic pursuits, especially finance and economics. Each semester, I hunted down professors, seeking to discuss economics and how the theories we were learning in class applied to the realities of the financial world. My passion for research grew out of my senior honors thesis entitled, "Picking Stocks Using Fundamental and Technical Analysis." I sought to prove that playing the stock market through technical analysis could substantially increase portfolio returns, even during turbulent economic periods. As I read through numerous case studies, including those from XXX Business School, I began to see how modern business practices adapt to and transform new economic theories in a synergistic, symbiotic process. By the time I concluded my thesis research in April 2001, I had achieved a fifty percent return on my portfolio despite the precipitous drop of the stock market. Exuberant over the success of my first major research project, I knew that I would pursue research interests in the not-so-distant future. At the age of nineteen, after only two and a half years of college, I became the youngest student in my class to graduate, and I did so with honors.

I also experienced the joys of teaching and spreading my love of research to others at Dartmouth. During my junior and senior years, I tutored fellow students while juggling a schedule that included two internships. To build on this experience, I conducted numerous broker-training courses in my recent role at the Ameritech Corporation. The goal of my course was to show my colleagues how to incorporate the financial model I created for my business into their own strategic business plans. A number of my students have increased their sales volumes by over fifty percent as a result of implementing my strategies. Whenever I teach, I experience a close feeling of kinship with my students and enthusiastically convey my material in a manner that allows them to experience my love of learning.

XXX's combination of superior faculty, state-of-the-art facilities, and diverse student body makes it the ideal environment in which to broaden my knowledge of business economics. The Business Economics Ph.D. program will give me the training to perform research in financial modeling and valuation methodologies, including complex topics such as the Black-Scholes option-pricing model. Of particular interest to me is Professor Vousden's project, "The Impact of EPS Accretion and Dilution on Stock Prices." Armed with an undergraduate degree in economics and significant professional experience, I have the background and commitment to succeed in XXX's rigorous Business Economics program.

sdyx0

Essay samples: Unedited and edited(2)
Ethical Issue
Unedited Version (the "Before")
Prompt: Please describe an ethical issue that you have faced in your professional life, how you dealt with the situation and what the outcome was.

Taking over as a tank company executive officer I did not expect to have a difficult first week of work. It was a very exciting time for me as I had fought to get promoted to the tank company executive officer position and I had finally achieved my goal. After a few days on the job I realized that the prior executive officer was not being forthcoming when he had been reporting the company maintenance status to the company commander and battalion commander. Maintenance reports in an armor unit are very important to the success of a company executive officer and the former executive officer had wanted to look good instead of sending the truth. The army tracks the number of tanks that are maintenance down very closely, because at anytime we may be required to deploy and fight off of those tanks. When certain parts are broken on a tank it is non-mission capable, which means that it cannot be operated effectively. At least every week the companies report the maintenance status to battalion, who then forward it to the highest levels of the army. The army standard is to have 90% of the battalion's equipment, primarily the tanks, ready to fight.

I attended the United States Military Academy, where from the first day of matriculation you make a commitment to uphold the cadet creed. It states, "A cadet will not lie, cheat, or steal nor tolerate those who do." Throughout my time at the academy I internalized the creed and became unquestionable with my integrity. Coming into a situation where my fellow army officer had not been adhering to the same standards was difficult for me. While I disagreed with what he had done, I developed a good relationship with most of the officers in the battalion and felt a need to try to help my fellow soldier without directly informing my superiors how bad the situation had become.

The army is built on a team concept and as an officer you must be able to work with your fellow officers because you are training for the gravest of circumstances. If a war brakes out you must be able to depend on the teammates to your left and right and be willing to give your life to protect them. For an officer to inadvertently surrender a fellow officer to his superiors, unless he caused injury or death to a soldier, would cause me to loose face among my peers. I would lose the trust of some, especially those closest to the officer that was identified as the dishonest one. The out-going executive officer was well liked in the battalion and I am sure that a conflict between his friends and I would have ensued. Those that I considered my friends performing the job of executive officers in other companies sometimes fudged the numbers to meet the army maintenance requirement, but I refused to follow that path.

I was faced with a difficult decision. I could simply send up an honest report from day one and expose the former executive officer for his fraudulent reporting or I could send up false reports myself to cover my fellow soldier.

I convinced the company commander to give me a week to get a firm grip on the maintenance status of his company prior to giving him a report and sending one higher to the battalion commander. During that week I focused the maintenance team chief on the easiest to fix faults that would fix the most tanks the easiest. I also, talked with the former executive officer to ask why he had not been reporting his maintenance status accurately. He said that he was doing what everyone else was doing and that no one really cared if the numbers where a little off. I told him that I cared and that what ever I could not fix in a week would be sent up in a true report. He was only slightly concerned because he did not believe that I would deadline a lot of tanks, as the battalion would look bad to higher headquarters as a result.

With the hard work of the mechanics and tankers, who wanted to fix their tanks, we were able to fix all but two of the six tanks that were truly down. I sent my report to the company commander and battalion commander. Since tanks break on a fairly frequent basis not to much was thought about the new tanks down for maintenance. The company commander did have a few words with the out-going executive officer, but nothing of great consequence. I kept my integrity intact and managed to minimize the damage to my fellow officer in the process. I sometimes have second thoughts about not exposing the less than honest compatriot, but by doing what I did I felt better about going to war with all my other teammates.
Edited Essay and Critique
When evaluating the quality of EssayEdge's edits, please bear in mind the quality of the original version to understand the dramatic improvement made to the essay.
Praise
The following edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
"My editor's remarks significantly improved my chances of acceptance into Business School. I expected some thematic suggestions and corrections in grammar and diction, but I did not expect such depth and breadth to the edits. What a fantastic surprise. This was well worth the money. The ease of use was also terrific. I will recommend this service to all my friends who apply to graduate school."
Critique
Click Here for the Edited Version.
Dear John,

This is an effective story that clearly lays out the complexity of the ethical dilemma you faced. Your unwillingness to submit fraudulent maintenance data is admirable, and I am sure that your comportment in this situation will leave a favorable impression on the admissions committee.

However, there were certain changes that would make your essay better. First, your essay relies too heavily on technical military language. You need to vary your voice to keep the essay interesting. Some of the phrases you use are too specialized and could confuse a reader who is unfamiliar with military terminology. You should set layman (or, in this case, civilian) comprehension as the bar for your essay, and you should not use terminology that is excessively specialized. I have shown how to vary your language below.

In addition, your essay was several hundred words over the word limit. I have suggested cutting out unnecessary details.

Throughout the essay, I took liberties to correct stylistic and grammatical problems. My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence. I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact.

Here are my specific comments on each individual paragraph of your essay:

Paragraph 1

It is useful to break up long paragraphs in order to highlight important ideas and to make your argument flow more naturally. In the introductory paragraph, for example, it is effective to use short and suggestive sentences that pull your reader into the piece and make him curious about the details that follow.

"Taking over as a tank company executive officer I did not expect to have a difficult first week of work."

This sentence strikes your reader as funny, if not absurd. To a reader with a civilian job, the position of "tank company executive officer" seems inherently challenging. Your assertion that you did not expect it to be difficult therefore leaves a strange impression. See the revised treatment of this idea in the edit that follows.

"卬umber of tanks that are maintenance down?

This is an example of military terminology that needed to be changed to be more comprehensible. My proposed rewritten sentence reads: "Army command needs to have an accurate count of battle-ready tanks in the case of deployment."

"When certain parts are broken on a tank it is non-mission capable, which means that it cannot be operated effectively."

This is too obvious to require pointing out.

"The army standard is to have 90% of the battalion's equipment, primarily the tanks, ready to fight."

This is too wordy and should be shortened to give it more punch. Here is what I suggest: "The army aims for ninety percent readiness in case of war."

Paragraph 2

I suggest that you paint your specific ethical dilemma in starker terms. You do not adequately develop the tension between your commitment to integrity and your unwillingness to report a fellow officer.

"卆nd became unquestionable with my integrity."

This comes across as too dramatic. You need to show through examples that you had become uncompromising in your commitment to truth rather than to state it directly.

"Coming into a situation where my fellow army officer had not been adhering to the same standards was difficult for me. While I disagreed with what he had done, I developed a good relationship with most of the officers in the battalion and felt a need to try to help my fellow soldier without directly informing my superiors how bad the situation had become."

You should show that your decision not to turn in the officer was more complex than this and that you had to balance different concerns.

Paragraph 3

Your original essay did not give a strong enough impression that you considered turning in your fellow officer, which would have been consistent with your oath, "not to tolerate those who [lie]." I have suggested expanding this discussion to make it more believable.

"卌ause me to loose face among my peers. I would lose the trust of some, especially those closest to the officer that was identified as the dishonest one. The out-going executive officer was well liked in the battalion and I am sure that a conflict between his friends and I would have ensued."

This calculus is a bit cynical; it is inadvisable to show how considerations of your friends' opinions impacted your decision. I suggest tweaking these sentences to leave a more powerful impression. See below for my proposed treatment.

Paragraph 4

The flow of your original essay, especially between paragraphs, was a bit strained. I suggested several new transition sentences and phrases to make the essay read more smoothly.

"卬o one really cared if the numbers where a little off. I told him that I cared?

In addition to incorrect diction, this comes across as too brash and self-congratulatory. I suggest the following instead: "卬o one really cared about inaccurate numbers. He may have been right, but I did not find his argument compelling."

With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those which you think are best.

Overall, your essay has been refined into a very strong personal statement that shows your admirable handling of a difficult situation. I wish you the best of luck in the admissions process.

Sincerely,

Edited Essay
Prompt: Please describe an ethical issue that you have faced in your professional life, how you dealt with the situation and what the outcome was.
After fighting for years to be promoted to the position of tank company executive officer, I believed that transitioning into the role would be relatively easy. I could not have been more mistaken. As soon as the paperwork settled and I donned my new uniform, I encountered an ethical dilemma that cast all of my previous training into doubt.

The officer I replaced had been less than forthcoming in his maintenance reports to the company and battalion commanders. The officer had fabricated data on the number of maintenance problems in order to look better in the eyes of his superiors. This presented me with a tricky problem. Army command needs an accurate count of battle-ready tanks in case of deployment. Companies send weekly reports on the maintenance status of their tanks to their battalion, and this data is passed on to the highest levels of army command. The army aims for ninety percent readiness in case of war.

The outgoing officer's dishonesty was inconsistent with my (and his) military training; officers trained at the United States Military Academy take an oath from the first day of matriculation to maintain a strict standard of integrity. The cadet creed states that, "a cadet will not lie, cheat, or steal, nor tolerate those who do." I internalized this creed at the academy, and I became unyielding in my forthrightness. I could not overlook my fellow officer's behavior, but was it right for me to report him?

The army is built on trust because soldiers must be able to rely on each other if they find themselves in combat. A soldier must trust the soldiers around him, and he must be willing to give his life to protect them. If I reported the dishonest commander, I would be compromising this trust and would lose face among my peers. An unspoken rule among officers forbids one from voluntarily surrendering another unless his negligence has led to the injury or death of a soldier. The outgoing executive officer was well liked, and I risked becoming unpopular with my men if I reported his infraction. Fudging numbers on maintenance reports was not uncommon, and I faced considerable pressure to overlook the impropriety.

I had two options: I could send an honest report exposing the preceding officer's fraudulent reporting, or I could falsify reports myself, thus protecting his career. Neither option was palatable.

To buy more time, I convinced the company commander to give me an additional week before submitting my report. I ordered the maintenance team chief to work overtime on the problems that were easiest to fix. I also met with the previous officer to discuss his behavior. He said that his actions were like everyone else's, and that no one cared about inaccurate numbers. He may have been right, but I did not find his argument compelling. I told him I would do my best to repair the unit, but that any remaining problems would be reported at the week's end. He was slightly concerned about looking bad to battalion command, but he appreciated my honesty and the efforts I was taking on his behalf.

After a week of almost constant work by mechanics and tankers, four of the six damaged tanks had been repaired. I sent an honest report to the company and battalion commanders documenting the state of affairs. Tank breakdowns are fairly frequent in the army, so the two out-of-service vehicles did not raise suspicion. The outgoing executive officer did receive some harsh words from the company commander, but nothing of great consequence. I had maintained my integrity and minimized damage to my fellow officer. Although I still question the propriety of not exposing his negligence, the decision I made allowed me to preserve the trust of my men and the exacting standards of the army.

Leadership & Teamwork
Unedited Version (the "Before")
Essay 1: Discuss a situation, preferably work related, where you have taken a significant leadership role. How does this event demonstrate your managerial potential?

As a consultant at Aquent, I lead a sales reform project consisting of 20 members in one of the world biggest communication companies. The company encountered a problem that as the 1800 sales representatives had contracted many project orders related to the network construction with a fatally low profit ratio or with a high risk, the deficit of the company had swollen to as much as 150 million dollars. To combat this problem, our sales reform project decided to implement "Project Forward", which deliberated project orders and decided whether the company would contract them or not. My responsibility was to formulate the procedure of "Project Forward" and implement this procedure in all sales divisions.

When two months had passed since the executives announced to start the "Project Forward", the sales performed it only few times though they should have carried out it dozens of times in this period. Encountering the difficulty to implement the new measure, I carried out the following points as a leader.

First, I led the members in the right direction to grasp a basic cause of the problem. One executive manager of the sales reform project proposed to continue the "Project Forward" by force because this measure was indispensable to the company. But I opposed to the forcing technique of him. I emphasized that to solve the problem we should stop once and grasp the origin of a cause thoroughly by asking the sales representatives the reason why they did not carry out the new measures. With the sales reform project members, I started the hearings to the 36 sales representatives of all sales departments. Consequently, I cleared the issues, decided upon the countermeasures and defined the required tasks so that the members could perform. I realized that sales representatives did not understand the goal of "Project Forward". And I found that two other Business Process Reengineering (BPR) project was running besides our sales reform project. The sales was confused by the relation of these new processes. Moreover, holding two posts concurrently, the members administrating the council were too busy at existent tasks to manage the "Project Forward."

Next, I created the task list required to implement countermeasures with defining the priority and assigned roles to the project members. With a high priority, we integrated the three BPR into one. We created an integrated process flow easy for the sales to understand and held jointly single meeting to introduce the new measures to the sales people. Additionally, we made the resource managers assign 2 full-time people to manage "Project Forward" in each sales division.

Finally, I led the people toward the target with motivating them. Since I believed that we could not successfully implement the measure without changing the sales representatives' mind, I tried to change it by telling enthusiastically the purpose of "Project Forward" at the hearing and the mailing list. As a result, the sales people had ownership to the "Project Forward" and the motivation became higher and higher gradually.

By resolving critical issues, we could successfully implement the "Project Forward" with high motivation of the sales representatives. Since I have successfully taken the responsibility, which leads a project as a consultant, I am sure that I possess the nature as a leader. I want to make the most use of my nature and experience by learning knowledge, view and behavior required for a leader at XXX, and to grow up to be a true leader.
Essay 2: Describe your most challenging team-building experience. What insights did you gain as a result of this experience?

I want to combat "Digital Divide" and everyone to enjoy the profits of IT revolution equally. I subscribed for the volunteer of "IT course" from this thought. "IT course" is a national movement, which the Japanese government is carrying out. It aims at that all people can enjoy the benefit of IT revolution, and forming "IT nation" which is internationally competitive. Specifically, its purpose is to make all people use the Internet. The 54,500 million yen benefit has come out from the country for about 5,500,000 participants. I supported from starting of "IT course" to execution as a volunteer of Ohta-ku, Tokyo.

Two Ota-ku personnel and about 100 volunteers gathered in Tokyo in April 2001. We decided how to advance future "IT course". To my surprise, the personnel of Ota-ku who should manage "IT course" did not own their e-mail address. They proposed to connect by mail, not e-mail. The administration of Japan is really behind in IT area. Since we could not communicate smoothly by mail, I created the mailing list instead of them, cut the role, which adjusted between volunteer members. The volunteer member had big deviation in IT skill, from the man who is teaching computer skills to the visually handicapped person to the old man who could just use e-mail recently. However, the desire to combat "Digital Divide" was the same.

I was perplexed because unlike the usual project members in Aquent, the 100 persons' skills and the backgrounds were really diversified. Then, I investigated all of the members' skill and decided team members, dividing skills equally. And until the course started team members gathered several times, since each member did not know the other members at all. The consciousness as a team has budded gradually through the meetings. I learned the importance to strengthen union in a team.

The 1st course used two days and about 30 participants gathered. The veteran man who experienced a computer lecturer and I acted as the main lecturers and the other 3 volunteers supported the students. Since many of the participants were women, I introduced how to acquire the coupon of a restaurant by the Internet. One old man of a lecturer distributed the sound and the picture, which he has made, and taught the technique to append them to e-mail. Students realized the pleasure of the Internet by our lecture.

Although each lecturer contributed to the lesson taking advantage of his or her strong point, only one person was worried because he could not much contribute. Then, at the 2nd school, I decisively asked him to act the main lecturer. Although he turned down at first, he finally accepted my offer on condition that I teach the method of a lecture before the next course. Then he finished splendidly. Since his IT skill was not high at first, he understood a beginner's feeling and it became a very intelligible lesson. By assigning suitable role for each member, the person can demonstrate his or her power to the maximum extent.

Regarding team-building it is the most important that all the members have the same purpose. And the team can attain the purpose when each acts a suitable role and demonstrates a strong point to the maximum extent and compensates a mutual weak point. Union of a team is indispensable. I have experienced many team-buildings in the lacrosse team and Aquent's projects. I am well acquainted with the greatness of every person's power being set to one. I chose XXX because of its culture, which regards the teamwork as important. By gaining team-building experience in the diversity environment, my teamwork skills can fully be enhanced. And I want to use the skill for the dissolution of "Digital Divide", which is one of my personal missions.
Edited Essay and Critique
Praise
The following edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
"Frankly, I wouldn't even consider submitting an essay to any top school without submitting it to your service first. EssayEdge has done a tremendous job with my mediocre writing style to create powerful and concise essays. I can't thank you enough. There is nothing about the service I would change. The information gathered from the critique is essential, but the outstanding aspect to this service is that changes and corrections, additions and deletions are made directly to the document. This is invaluable considering the time frame most of us have to work with. Additionally, I have already looked at these essays so many times, mere suggestions would not have been nearly as helpful, and my language choice would have remained bland and not as effective. I couldn't be more happy with every aspect of this service. I can honestly say that my chances for admission have nothing short of doubled (considering the importance of the essays in the admission process) as a result of using your service."
Critique
Click Here for the Edited Version.
Dear John,

These essays are well organized and contain the perfect amount of concrete detail. Allowing the reader to learn about you by illustrating your qualities through relevant memories is a very effective technique in essay writing. In addition, your use of one professional and one personal narrative gives the reader a strong sense of your character, both in and out of the workplace.

I made a few important changes to the overall structure of your essays, and I made a number of sentence-level adjustments. In addition, I corrected all grammatical errors that I found, including misused articles, verb conjugations, and prepositions. Although I have not cited each specific change, these revisions were an essential part of my editing--they ensured that your essays to XXX were as formal and rigorous as possible.

I also adapted sentence structure, vocabulary, and syntax in many places, always with the goal of improving clarity and readability. Although I did not encounter any major problems with your word choice or level of English (something you were concerned about), I have nonetheless offered alternative wording choices so that your essay can be as effective as possible. See the text of each essay for examples of the changes I propose.

Here are my specific comments pertaining to each individual essay:

Essay 1

The most significant problem with the wording of this essay was the conclusion, which contained the following phrases:

"卹esolving critical issues?

"I want to make the most use of my nature and experience by learning knowledge?

"卆nd to grow up to be a true leader?

These phrases do not do adequate justice to the individuality of your essay. All leaders "resolve critical issues," and all XXX applicants want to "learn knowledge" and to become "true leaders." Consequently, these assertions do not separate you from other applicants.

In the revised conclusion, I have more carefully described the unique elements of your leadership philosophy, including your willingness to work with others, your emphasis on shared goals, and your ability to delegate authority and to motivate your teammates. Your essay does a good job of illustrating your use of these techniques, and I have given them greater prominence in my edit.

"I carried out the following points as a leader."

This is an awkward transition because it is too obvious. See the subtler transition sentence that I have provided.

Finally, please note that I replaced instances of the pronoun "we" with "I," since this essay is about you. It is perfectly acceptable to highlight your own accomplishments, especially since these accomplishments are more impressive than those achieved through collective effort. Never be afraid to make yourself the central character in your essays.

Essay 2

In contrast to your first essay, the second essay required a more engaging introduction. An effective way to grab the reader's attention is to drop him right into the story. See the narrative device I used to introduce the reader directly into the drama.

In addition, please note that your original first sentence sounded too much like a thesis statement. It is not necessary to outline your argument explicitly in the first paragraph, and I have shown how you can develop your story gradually to build suspense. By describing your goals after outlining the nature of the new IT course, you can whet the reader's appetite and draw him into your essay.

Also, "Digital Divide" was not clearly defined in the introduction, so I added new details to ensure that any reader will understand what you mean. You should always explain terminology that might be unfamiliar to a reader.

"54,500 million"

In the interest of readability, this should be rewritten as: "54.5 billion."

"The administration of Japan is really behind in IT area."

This sentence is too informal for use in an application essay.

"I learned the importance to strengthen union in a team."

The phrase, "I learned," is overused in application essays, and it drains the power out of effective descriptions. I have restricted the use of this phrase to the conclusion, the only position in which it is truly effective.

"By assigning suitable role for each member, the person can demonstrate his or her power to the maximum extent."

The use of the word "power" is incorrect in this context. I have reworded this sentence to make it flow better.

"I chose XXX because of its culture, which regards teamwork as important."

This detail is ineffective since it is obvious that XXX would regard teamwork as important.

"卼he diversity environment?

Allusions to "diversity" are often overused in application essays. I have retained your core idea but have reworked it to make your language fresh and engaging.

Your essays now read much better and will leave a more lasting impression on the admissions committee. I wish you the best of luck in the application process.

Sincerely,

Edited Essays
Essay 1: Discuss a situation, preferably work related, where you have taken a significant leadership role. How does this event demonstrate your managerial potential?
Aquent was in a perilous condition. The 1,800 sales representatives at the company had contracted far too many high-risk, low-profit project orders related to network construction. The resultant deficit at Aquent, one of the world's biggest communications companies, had swollen to nearly $150 million and threatened to bring the company down. To combat this problem, I joined a sales reform taskforce that implemented "Project Forward," a new oversight committee that would investigate the profitability of project orders and decide whether or not to accept them. It was a huge responsibility, and I was given the task of formulating the procedures that Project Forward would recommend to all sales divisions.

Despite a flurry of activity, two months went by with no results. The sales divisions failed to enact the new procedures I had designed, and the company amassed an alarming number of high-risk project orders. With implementation problems mounting, I knew it was up to me to find a solution.

One executive manager, angry over the lack of sales cooperation, proposed putting Project Forward into operation by force. Believing that we needed to grasp the cause of Project Forward's failure before we could implement an adequate solution, I proposed a different approach. I suggested that we simply ask the sales representatives why they neglected to carry out the new measures. After interviewing thirty-six sales representatives from all sales departments, I discovered that, broadly speaking, sales representatives did not understand the goal of Project Forward. Two other Business Process Reengineering (BPR) projects were competing for their attention, and the sales representatives did not know which projects pertained to their work. Moreover, since the members administering Project Forward each had their own existing posts and roles, they were too busy to manage Project Forward effectively.

Having identified the problem, I designed a solution. I created a task list that assigned roles to the project members. Then, I assimilated the other two BPR projects into our own, integrating all three into one, centrally-administered program. After creating an integrated process flow that was easy for sales representatives to understand, I held joint meetings to introduce the new measures to the sales people. In addition, resource managers were directed to assign two people to manage Project Forward full-time in each sales division.

Finally, I used motivational techniques to ensure that Project Forward was executed with vigor. Since I observed that we could not successfully implement the measure without changing the sales representatives' minds about the council's usability, I enthusiastically discussed the purpose of Project Forward at the joint meetings and through our mailing list. I showed the sales division that they owned Project Forward and should share in its establishment. As a result, the motivation exhibited by these representatives grew more and more intense.

Solving this problem taught me several essential traits that a leader must exhibit. A leader must clearly identify the problems that are hindering a project's success, and then he must address those issues by making every team member a stakeholder in the project's success. By raising awareness of a project's goals and purposes, a leader can then motivate his teammates to contribute. Leadership is centrally interactive, and only by working in harmony with an organization can a leader guarantee long-term success.
Essay 2: Describe your most challenging team-building experience. What insights did you gain as a result of this experience?

In April of 2001, two colleagues from Ota-ku and about one hundred volunteers gathered in Tokyo to address a growing problem in Japan: the "Digital Divide." Our plan was to establish a course in information technology and to leverage the 54.5 billion yen endowment of a national movement in order to train Japanese citizens in the usage of on-line resources. At the opening of the meeting, however, I was surprised to learn that the Ota-ku personnel who were to be managing the IT course did not have their own email addresses! They proposed to correspond by mail, not by email, and from that point forward, I knew that I had my work cut out for me.

To overcome a seemingly insurmountable challenge, I first assessed my resources. I analyzed the specific skills of each volunteer so that I could give them appropriate roles in setting up the course. Conducting this research, I found that the one hundred volunteers, unlike my colleagues at Aquent, had very diversified levels of training; some volunteers taught computer classes daily, while others had only recently mastered the basics of email. Despite differing levels of experience, all volunteers shared a common goal--to conquer the Digital Divide.

After investigating all of the members' skills, I created teams from small groups of volunteers, carefully distributing teammates so that their skills were equally divided amongst groups. Next, before the course began, I arranged for the teams to gather several times so that the team members could become acquainted with each other. Gradually, throughout the course, I continued to build unity within each team, and I watched team consciousness bud with each successive meeting.

The first course lasted for two days and taught essential IT skills to about thirty participants. An experienced computer teacher and I acted as the main lecturers while three other volunteers supported the students. Since many of the participants were women who did not work during the day, my first lesson addressed how to acquire restaurant coupons on-line. As one of our older volunteer lecturers described sound and picture files, and taught participants how to attach them to email, I noticed that the students were already realizing the pleasure of the Internet.

As the course progressed, I ensured that each lecturer contributed to the lessons by discussing his or her area of expertise. At one point, a volunteer became worried because he doubted that he could contribute. During the second session, I asked him to act as the main lecturer for the next class. Although he turned me down at first, he finally accepted my offer on the condition that I teach him lecturing techniques before the next class. Ultimately, he finished splendidly. Since his IT skills were not strong at first, he understood the fear and confusion that many of our beginners experienced, and was therefore able to deliver effective instruction to a wide audience.

By drawing on the unique talents of each volunteer, I succeeded in crafting an IT course that was richer than I had imagined. From the first time the volunteers shared their skills with the group, through each volunteer's turn lecturing, I cultivated a constructive atmosphere in which every team member could play an important role. As a result, each member was able to build on his strong points and to find an indispensable unity in the team. Today, I look forward to joining the community at XXX, another environment in which diverse individuals, with distinct talents, come together for the shared goal of their education.

sdyx0

Essay samples: Unedited and edited(3)
Globalization
Unedited Version (the "Before")
Discuss the effect that an increasingly global economy may have on your future responsibilities as a manager, both generally and as regards your chosen field, and what you hope to learn at XXX to enable you to meet this challenge?

In the 1990s, globalization has changed the business world profoundly. Companies of different country origins now can reach customers worldwide and cut their production and operation costs through international chains of production and distribution. Today, Gillette Co. is manufacturing razors in Russia, Fidelity Investment is selling its funds in Germany, and Citicorp is serving millions of customers from Asia to America. Meanwhile, global markets are featured with constant changes, intense competition, and heightened customer expectation, making it ever more difficult for a company to gain and maintain its competitive edge. Managers have to take broader responsibilities in the global economy. A successful manager will monitor the competitive landscape and decide if his organization has the strategies, structures and the people that can fulfill its global interest. In spite of the different approaches he may take, he always has to build the commitment to the global economy and develop the necessary strengths for international business throughout his company. Being exposed to global economy does not mean that a company will easily become international. Transiting from a national company to an international one will take an adjustment of attitude as well as operation. Explaining the challenges and opportunities, and addressing to employees' concerns, such as how globalization affect their jobs, are a manager's first steps to make the transition.

An excellent salesman in the U.S. may not work equally well in China or Brazil. In order to act globally, a company needs the right people with the right skills. Developing global working teams that have the necessary skills to work with people of different countries and cultures, then, is the next thing on a manager's agenda.

Also, a successful manager will help his company tailor its global strategies to its resources and capacities. It would be great to have 1 billion customers by the year 2010 like Citicorp might, but not every company has the size and global reach of Citigroup. Nonetheless, size is not everything. It's the quality of the products and services that a company can offer that matters. In stead of being all the things to all the people, a smaller company can take alternative approaches to the global market, such as focusing on a certain market sector in which it can compete efficiently. A manager must find the best strategies available and then establish appropriate policies in international marketing, finance, and human resource management accordingly. And then, these strategies will be continually monitored to take into account new advances in the business world. Furthermore, different cultures, laws, and market conditions make international operation a complicated process of system engineering. A manager has to shape his company into a flexible organization so that it can learn from and respond to fast-changing environments. In addition to developing global working teams, mastering technology is another central part of this action. With the help of technology, a manager will be able to direct and control operations on diverse scopes and scales. More importantly, since everyone has access to technology, how a manager leverages technology for competitive advantage will make the difference. In a world fraught with intensive competition, ideas become the ultimate power that makes a company stand out. In order to be recognized and chosen by customers, a company has to be creative and do things special. A manger's responsibilities must include encouraging and stimulating new ideas and techniques. To this end, he will look for new markets, customers, and allies with the purpose of generating new revenues and reducing costs.

In the field of finance, globalization has compelled managers to make their decisions in the shadow of uncertainty. Numerous forces affect international capital markets. As the markets become more and more integrated, the changes in one market will induce chain reactions that will eventually sweep all the markets. One of such an example is the Asian currency crisis that happened in 1997, which is still affecting the world's economy at this time. On the other hand, as the world moves toward common standard of financial governance and market valuation, new opportunities have arisen for international financial operations.

Financial managers must look for innovative ways to manage risk. In every global company, corporate financial managers will have to deal with the cultural and legal differences among countries to protect corporate assets and earnings. This requires that they have to take bigger roles in their companies' decision-making process in order to develop effective strategies that make the most of an uncertain situation. At the same time, accelerated innovation from financial service industry has given rise to arrays of resources for international financing. Keeping pace with the changes in the financial tools and effectively making use of different financial productswill be an important part in corporate financial manager's work. In financial service industry, globalization has triggered new operation standards. The emergence of Citigroup has demonstrated an example of one-stop shopping for financial products, which has combined different kinds of financial services such as banking, insurance, brokerage, and investment banking. But again, bigger is not always better. Instead, introducing new services, tailoring individualized solutions to customers' needs, and inventing more options for customers to access may lead to success. There are always new ways to compete, and managers should never give up finding those ways.

For a future manager, tackling the global economy is an inevitable task. In addition to the knowledge international business, he must have such skills as leadership, communication and cooperation, and organization to take the responsibility. As the leading school in global management issues, XXX will equip me with cutting-edge business knowledge and skills thatwill help me understand and anticipate the expectations of international guests and business associates. Also, the school's international environment will give me first-hand exposure to how people of different cultures think, act and communicate. These upgraded knowledge and skills, I believe, will pave my way to a global player in my future career.
Edited Essay and Critique
Praise
The following edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
"I sincerely think that this service is amazing. Your editors managed to really understand what I was trying to express. I will keep you posted on my application results."
Critique
Click Here for the Edited Version.
Dear John,

This is a very engaging essay that proves the depth of your meditation on global management. Your ideas are simultaneously strong and persuasive, and they do a great job of showing the reader your managerial potential.

However, there were ways in which this essay could be improved.

The simple fact that your essay is so comprehensive also means that it is hard to follow at points. You have so many ideas that your reader occasionally becomes overwhelmed by the nuances of your argument. To ensure that your essay reads smoothly, I made extensive changes to the structure of your text.

Throughout the essay, I took liberties to correct stylistic and grammatical problems. My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence. I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact.

Here are my specific notes on each original paragraph of the text:

Paragraph 1

Your original first paragraph was very dense, and I identified three main arguments, which I separated into different paragraphs.

First, I provided an introduction proper that grabs the reader's attention by expanding upon your reflections on business variability. Second, I expanded your discussion of the global reach of business today. Finally, I refined and expanded your engaging reflections on what makes a business truly "global."

"In the 1990s, globalization has changed the business world profoundly."

This is true, but the formulation of this sentence is too prosaic for an introduction. See the more creative approach that I suggest.

Paragraph 2

The details in this paragraph were misplaced. I have taken your core ideas and have used them to buttress arguments elsewhere in your essay.

"An excellent salesman in the U.S. may not work equally well in China or Brazil. In order to act globally, a company needs the right people with the right skills."

These sentences are redundant. It is better to make your point through an illustrative example than to state it explicitly.

Paragraph 3

This paragraph was also very dense, and the melding together your arguments made it hard to identify the important differences between them. I have separated this paragraph into three separate parts to ensure that the nuances of your ideas are appreciated.

First, I described the importance of adjusting company goals to exploit the competitive advantages of each company's specific resources. Next, I showed how human resources can be used to bridge cultural gaps in business. Finally, I drew upon and expanded your discussion of technological innovation.

"Nonetheless, size is not everything. It's the quality of the products and services that a company can offer that matters."

The tone of this sentence is too conversational for a formal essay. In addition, you should avoid all contractions in formal writing. Here is my alternative suggestion: "While a manager should take the limitations of his corporation into account, he must also remember that the quality of his products and services can achieve success that mere global reach cannot."

"Furthermore, different cultures, laws, and market conditions make international operation a complicated process of system engineering."

This is a very important idea that should be treated at greater length in your essay. See how I have marshaled details from throughout your original text to expand this idea into a complete paragraph.

Paragraph 4

Your reflections on the interrelations of global financial markets are quite developed. While your arguments in this paragraph are tight, they required new transition sentences to ensure that the reader understands the progression of your logic.

"On the other hand, as the world moves toward common standard of financial governance and market valuation, new opportunities have arisen for international financial operations."

You should draw this thought to conclusion. I suggest appending the following sentence: "Financial managers must therefore look for innovative ways to manage risk."

Paragraph 6

Your essay becomes a bit unfocused in this paragraph. It is essential that you do not unnecessarily repeat ideas that you have treated either implicitly or explicitly elsewhere in the text. I have mined this paragraph for new details that could be employed elsewhere and have streamlined your argument to ensure a more effective presentation.

"But again, bigger is not always better. Instead, introducing new services, tailoring individualized solutions to customers' needs, and inventing more options for customers to access may lead to success."

This argument is redundant. I have eliminated it from this paragraph.

Paragraph 7

The core argument of your conclusion was quite compelling. I provided a more natural transition sentence to introduce the conclusion and have adjusted your sentence-level diction to end on an eloquent note.

"卙e must have such skills as leadership, communication and cooperation, and organization to take the responsibility."

You should be more precise here. I propose the following: "卙e must have such skills as leadership, communication and organization, as well as the ability to guide his company through any form of change."

With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those which you think are best.

Overall, the refined essay does a great job of outlining your unique and highly-nuanced reflections on global management. I wish you the best of luck in the application process.

Sincerely,

Edited Essay

Discuss the effect that an increasingly global economy may have on your future responsibilities as a manager, both generally and as regards your chosen field, and what you hope to learn at XXX to enable you to meet this challenge?
The world of today is not the world that existed years ago--nor will it be the same tomorrow. The globalization of the 1990s wrought enormous changes in every facet of the business world, the biggest of which was introducing new variability into business relations.

Companies today can now reach customers in every nation and can cut operational costs through global production and distribution systems. Gillette Co., for instance, manufactures razors in Russia, Fidelity Investment sells its funds in Germany, and Citicorp serves millions of customers from Asia to America. Meanwhile, international markets undergo constant change, intense competition, and heightened customer expectation, which make it increasingly difficult for a company to gain and maintain its competitive edge. Managers in this brave new world must therefore master a broad range of business talents.

Successful managers must survey the competitive landscape and equip their organizations with the strategies, structures, and personnel to compete in a constantly changing environment. In spite of the different approaches managers may choose, one thing remains constant--they must instill a commitment to globalization throughout their companies. Simple exposure to an expanded economy does not make a corporation "international." Instead, there needs to be a widespread adjustment of attitude, as well as sweeping changes in operation, to ensure a company's profitability.

The initial steps a manager must take are twofold: He must clearly outline the challenges and opportunities of an international market, and he must address the individual talents of each employee. A successful manager will tailor his company's global strategies to suit its resources and capacities. This involves setting realistic goals without losing sight of more elevated ones. Not every corporation, for instance, has the size and reach of Citicorp, which will have one billion customers by the year 2010. While a manager should take the limitations of his corporation into account, he must also remember that the quality of his products and services can foster success that mere global reach cannot. Instead of being "all things to all people," a smaller company can take a more specialized approach to the global market by focusing on a certain sector in which it can excel.

To achieve this, it is critical to match the talents and experience of each employee to the task best suited to him. For instance, a salesman who excels in the United States may not possess the cultural knowledge needed to succeed in China or Brazil. Different cultures, laws, and market conditions make international operation a complicated process of system engineering. A manager must develop working teams that have the skills necessary to interact with people throughout the world. It is therefore the duty of the manager to decide which strategies work best and to follow up with appropriate policies in international marketing, finance, and human resources.

This is an ongoing task that requires continual monitoring of new advances in the business world. A manager must shape his company into a flexible organization that can learn from and respond to fast-changing environments. Another critical aspect of success is the proper integration of technological developments into the corporation. Technology enables a manager to direct and control operations in a multitude of business environments. With the growing availability of technology to all competitors, moreover, a manager must properly implement technological initiatives to give his company a market advantage. In a world fraught with intense competition, ideas are the ultimate asset of a successful corporation. In order to be recognized and chosen by customers, a company must be both creative and unique. A manager's responsibility thus includes stimulating new ideas and innovations that will push the company forward in the marketplace.

In the field of finance, globalization compels managers to make decisions in the shadow of uncertainty. Numerous forces affect international capital markets. As the markets become more and more integrated, changes in one region will initiate chain reactions that can eventually affect all others. One such example is the Asian currency crisis of 1997, which is still affecting the world's economy today. However, as the world moves toward common standards of financial governance and market valuation, new opportunities have arisen for international financial operations. Financial managers must therefore look for innovative ways to manage risk.

Every global corporation will have to address the cultural and legal differences among countries to protect corporate assets and earnings. This requires that the financial manager play a larger role in the company's decision-making process to develop strategies to address concerns. He must keep abreast of new resources for international financing that arise from improvements in the financial services industry. Globalization has also triggered new operational standards. Citigroup, for instance, is a one-stop destination for financial services that include commercial banking, investment banking, insurance, and retail brokerage. Much like traditional industries in which returns to scale are critical for achieving maximum profitability, Citigroup demonstrates that providing such a variety of options to customers ensures a continued revenue stream.

Tackling the global economy is a task that every manager must be prepared to meet. In addition to knowledge of international business, he must have such skills as leadership, communication and organization, as well as the ability to guide his company through any form of change. As the leader in global management education, XXX is uniquely positioned to equip its students with cutting-edge business knowledge and skills. The school's international environment grants firsthand exposure to how people of different cultures think, act, and communicate. Acquiring these crucial skills is the key to any future that involves globalization.

Career Path & Personal Achievement
Unedited Version (the "Before")
Essay 1: Please discuss the factors, both professional and personal, influencing the career decisions you have made that, in turn, have led you to your current position. What are your career goals for the future, and why is now the appropriate time to pursue an MBA at XXX? How will you avail yourself of the resources at the XXX to achieve these goals?

PAST CAREER DEVELOPMENT AND FUTURE GOALS

Have you ever seen, heard of or witnessed any of the following things?

-- The surface of the sea littered with dead sheep.

-- A domestic waste landfill explosion leading to a number of deaths due to the resultant flood of waste?

-- Tea vendors offering radiation-contaminated tea for half-price?

-- A little girl's death resulting from her fall through an open sewage manhole in her school garden?

-- Radioactive waste sold to unsuspecting scrap dealers, causing their deaths.

-- A twenty year-old tanker breaking into pieces, spilling hundreds of tons of crude oil and killing sea life.

Unfortunately, such environmental disasters have become common place in Turkey.

Concerned about such situations, and aware of the insensitivity of the authorities towards our environment and health, I sought to learn ways to prevent these types of disasters. At the age of fifteen, I decided to focus my studies on environmental sciences, in order to equip myself with the technical tools I would need to do just that.

I went on to earn a Master's degree in environmental sciences, subsequently attending a professional international management certificate program in order to gain management perspective.

In order to make use of my technical knowledge and management skills in an effective way, I was aware of the fact that I should start working in a large company that would in turn would provide me insight experience from various industries and the international business arena.

I have now worked in the energy and environment group of Lec Corporation headquarters, the first and biggest diversified conglomerate, for nearly two years as a project engineer, mainly responsible for environment and energy sector investments of our holding companies.

This work position gave me an opportunity to interact with businessmen from all over the world which expanded my international perspective. Working with American partners and English consultants, I gleaned the subtle meaning of being a professional. Though it was unusual for a young associate to be a representative for my company at such events, I am proud to say that my outstanding work performance allowed me to seize the opportunity to attend various meetings with local and international governmental bodies such as OPIC, IFC and the World Bank that increased my self-confidence and improved my management skills.

While working in various business lines, such as automotive industry, consumer durables and energy sector, I have realized that the root cause of many environmental problems is financial. I believe that many people in the environmental sector are so ignorant or insensitive that they will cheat customers to increase profits. Furthermore, businesses do not prioritize environmental investments and, as a result, insufficient funds are allocated to adequately prevent problems. For instance, with a population over eight million people, Istanbul, the biggest city in Turkey does not have a properly operating sewage system, and in most of the areas wastewater is discharged directly to Bosphorus.

Ultimately, I am interested in helping to solve my country's problems by starting my own environmental services business in Turkey, serving both local and international customers giving cost effective and appropriate solutions differing from waste management to safety management.

WHY MBA AND XXX SCHOOL?

Despite my experience, I still lack some important knowledge and management experiences/skills, especially in finance, marketing and entrepreneurship. I also miss important knowledge of American environment. It is essential that I master these skills since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur.

The XXX School's MBA program is the bridge where I am and where I want to be.

The inventiveness and uniqueness of the XXX School's both entrepreneurial and finance programs impressed me. I believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of entrepreneurship from interacting with my XXX School classmates. I value the fact that at the XXX School, entrepreneurial education does not stop at the classroom but continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that a business school for entrepreneurs should balance a dose of theory with real-world application. The XXX School's curriculum and hands-on experiences through associations, internships and the management field study provide this balance, as demonstrated by the variety and success of its alumni.

I am also drawn to XXX School because of its emphasis on teamwork and technology. XXX School's MBA program proposes such exciting courses and programs as High Technology Entrepreneurship, International Finance,12-week field application projects, global immersion program directed to teach thinking and acting globally.

Further, the XXX School's flexible entrepreneurial program allows students to choose electives from 200 courses that will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests.

After a long search I found in XXX a top quality business school, able to provide me with the opportunities to gain the knowledge I need for my future in addition to putting me in contact with a diverse student environment and ensure my perception of American values. Moreover, my background and my desire to succeed will allow me to flourish in the XXX program.

I liked the alumni network and student clubs present at XXX.XXX has one of the strongest and largest alumni networks with 70,000 alumni in more than 130 countries of which I would like to be honored to be a member of.

I count very much on earning a XXX School MBA degree to help me strengthen both my finance knowledge and entrepreneurial skills, necessary to enable me to secure a position as an environmental specialist in a multinational American-based firm; this, in turn, will prepare me to accomplish my long term ambition of starting my own company and helping Turkey improve its environmental record.

I am now on my way to the next step in my career planning which involves receiving an MBA degree from XXX. My experience and technical knowledge guided my success during each new venture I attempted. These early accomplishments boosted my confidence that I would soon be closer to my goal of being a successful young entrepreneur.

I believe I am on the right path to achieve my goals. I now anxiously await the next phase in my development. I know that my skills along with my experience will continue to aid in achieving my long-term objective.

Essay 2: Describe a personal achievement that has had a significant impact on your life. In addition to recounting this achievement, please analyze how the event has changed your understanding of yourself and how you perceive the world around you.

When I was an undergraduate, I was asked, as part of a class, to select a project on which I wished to work with supervisor whom I was interested in studying with. I had chosen to study with the Head of the University's Chemistry Department on a project named "Environmental Risk Assessment of Hazardous Materials." After the earthquake disaster that hit Turkey, causing approximately 30,000 people to die, the State Planning Organization of Turkey has used the model we developed in the project to determine the risks posed by materials spilled around the region devastated by the earthquake.

In addition to working with me on my project, my supervisor also provided me with other important assistance. My supervisor was a person who not only lectured about the issue at hand but also shared his vast knowledge about the practical experience of his professional and personal life. His main goal was to shape his students into well-educated and socially active engineers with strong personal and professional ethics. He took me to many seminars, fairs, and conferences in order to give me the background necessary to become an engineer of whom he could be proud. On my own, I became president of the Environment Club, organizing technical site visits and meetings regarding environmental engineering for freshmen students.

One day, my supervisor told me about a non-profit organization named Cekud of which he was a member. I was impressed with the group's activities. Cekud's main activity is a tree-planting campaign called "Seven Trees." The idea for the campaign comes from the assumption that the average person consumes almost seven trees for his or her needs annually.

I decided to organize a planting day with Cekud. We have rent a bus and went to the decided planting are together with forty-five students. There were also small kids of ages between eight to fifteen associated with Cekud representatives. When I asked who they were, I am informed that they were the participants of one of the other Cekud activities named " Education for our future". Main purpose of the program is to educate children of poor families who can not afford to take preparatory courses for college and/or university entrance exams. At that day we have planted 650 trees and named the little forest as our Club's forest.

I was impressed with Cekud's activities and decided to work at Cekud as a volunteer especially for the education program. While working with Cekud , I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses.

I have noticed that Cekud is the place to make one of my childhood dreams come true.

I spent much of my childhood moving around Turkey because my father was an officer in the Turkish army. The perspective and insight gained during that time have been significant factors in my personal development.

In the early 1980's, there was a great deal of political unrest in Turkey, and security was a major issue for citizens. For a time, we attended school in the company of soldiers. I attended three different primary schools because my family moved so often.

We stayed in least developed towns of Eastern Turkey. People were suffering from unemployement as a result welfare. My classmates were from poor families who could hardly speak Turkish and could not afford to get school uniforms even hardly afford to receive basic human needs such as medicine, food, education to survive. Those regions were much affected by the unpredictable economic conditions and terorism present in Turkey in those days.

Because of this instability, the quality of my education suffered. Yet I was well aware that I would need to study hard in order to succeed in life. With my determination and perseverance, I did well in my college and university entrance exams, winning admission to one of the best colleges in Ankara and to university in Istanbul.

With our luck and ambition, we succeeded in receiving the best education possible, but I knew first hand the difficult lives these children were facing. Early in life, I vowed to help the people if I was ever able to do so. Knowing about the facts of Turkey as a well educated and a loyal Turkish youngman., I am feeling responsible for those people

I started allocating approximately six hours at the weekeneds educating those kids. Giving them mathematics, physics and chemistry lectures. I took the responsibility of two kids who were at the age of ten and eleven years old. We targeted to make them pass through the private college entrance exam that will be governmentally sponsored all through their education life.

After a seven months of period we succeeded. They entered the colleges. This summer they are going to graduate from high school. I not only lectured them but also became their brother by listening their problems and trying to solve them. We also went to picnics and arranged city sight seeing tours to make them also socially strong citizens. Cekud became the chance I needed to honor my vow.

I consider helping these two kids to be my most significant personal accomplishment to date.

As one of our famous poets Nazim Hikmet mentioned;

"Karanliktan sikayet edecegine bir mum da sen yak"

"Do not complain about the darkness, instead add a candle". My candles are still burning.
Edited Essay and Critique
Praise
The following edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
"I am overwhelmed by your service and so glad to hear from you this quick. The efficiency amazed me with such short time, but the edits are even more amazing. I have to give you my most sincere thanks from my heart. Well, thank you again, and may the best luck be with you."
Critique
Click Here for the Edited Version.
Dear John,

You answered the questions vividly and comprehensively, and my job was to ensure that your essays were as eloquent as possible. The biggest problem regarding these essays was their content; the introduction to the first essay, for instance, was too wordy and read like a list of disjointed images. I have taken extensive notes on this and other problems that I have addressed in your essays.

In terms of structure, the only major adjustment required in these essays was the elimination of subheadings. As I mention in my notes, American admissions officers--and, for that matter, American readers in general--prefer essays in which ideas flow smoothly into one another. In other words, unlike business documents, in which the use of subheadings allows the reader easily to pick out passages containing certain information, an admissions essay should make a persuasive argument that is bound together with well-constructed transitions.

In each of the essays, it seemed as if you got off to a good start, but then ran out of steam; your essays ended weakly rather than ending with "a bang." See my specific notes on each essay's respective conclusion.

Rather than making radical (and unnecessary) structural changes to your essays, I concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most interesting points, and making the logic of your ideas stand out. Many of these changes are quite subtle, but they have a powerful impact on the overall flow of your ideas.

I rephrased passages that contained awkward English, eliminated phrases or sentences that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and varied the vocabulary to render the text more lucid and vivid. I also varied the length of sentences in order to make the rhythm of the text more interesting. (Please note that you should avoid starting too many sentences with "I." Instead, try to add more transitional phrases like "Additionally," or insert clauses before the pronoun: "In 1999, I began to work?quot;)

I noticed a few sections in which your writing was either too vague or abstract, or where transitional passages were too abrupt. See my notes regarding these sections below.
Here are my specific comments by essay and paragraph numbers of the original text:

Essay One

Paragraph One

You cite strong and vivid images in this paragraph, but you should avoid presenting them as a list. Admissions officers will be far more impressed if you can seamlessly weave these images into the text. I condensed your listings and have modified your format into a paragraph form.

Paragraph 2

Did you enter college at age fifteen? You should be more precise about your educational history, and you should explain exactly when you attended university.

Paragraphs 3 and 4

These two paragraphs were both related, so I condensed them into a single discussion. Having too many paragraphs can make an essay seem choppy and digressive.

Paragraphs 5 and 6

When you describe Lec Corporation as, "the first and biggest diversified conglomerate," do you mean that it was the first and biggest conglomerate in Turkey? I assumed that this was the case, but be sure to change this detail if it is incorrect.

Paragraphs 8 and 9

The phrase "appropriate solutions" is vague. How about "adaptable" instead?

In addition, note how I built a better transition from Paragraph 9 to Paragraph 10, and how I streamlined your arguments to make them more targeted.

Paragraphs 10 and 11

Your discussion in these paragraphs was excessively wordy, and I consolidated it to keep your argument on track. Also, once you have written out the school's full name, you can refer to it simply as "XXX."

Paragraph 13

This entire paragraph was very redundant. Most of the details in this paragraph have been used elsewhere, so I suggest eliminating this paragraph in the interest of concision.

Paragraph 14

This paragraph sounded like a brochure. I suggested incorporating the alumni network and student group information into the preceding paragraph.

Paragraphs 15 and 16

Again, these paragraphs do not add much to your essay. It is better to end with a solid conclusion rather than to conclude weakly. I condensed this section of your essay.

Essay Two

Paragraph 1

The first sentence of this paragraph was very unclear, and I rephrased it to simplify structure and to clarify meaning.

Be sure to cite the year in which the earthquake occurred.

Paragraph 4

"We have rent a bus?

Who is the "we" in this sentence? I assumed that you were referring to your Cekud coworkers, but be sure to correct this if it is incorrect.

Paragraph 5

"I was impressed with Cekud's activities."

Watch out for redundant phrases--you used the exact same phrase in Paragraph 3.

"While working with Cekud, I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses?

This detail is interesting, but it ultimately distracts from your narrative. I have eliminated it.

Paragraphs 7 and 8

These paragraphs were too wordy. I condensed your argument to make it tighter.

In addition, you might want to clarify what you mean by the phrase, "families who could hardly speak Turkish." Many readers might be unaware of the cultural diversity of Turkey and therefore might not know which language these people spoke.

Paragraph 12

"卐ducating those kids?

This phrase is unclear. Are you referring to the Cekud children? This is what I have assumed, but be sure to change it if it is incorrect.

The final sentence of this paragraph was also unclear--what are the examinations that you describe designed to test? I have interpreted this passage as follows: "I also took two children, ages ten and eleven, under my wing with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education."

Paragraph 16

I eliminated your quote from the last paragraph. It is, no doubt, a beautiful saying, but so many students end (or begin) their essays in this way that the technique has become clich閐. Ending with the current paragraph--stating that helping these two children was your greatest accomplishment--leaves the reader with a strong, lasting impression of your character and your sense of commitment.

With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those that you think are best.

Overall, this is a great set of essays that will leave a strong impression on the admissions committee. I wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,

Edited Essays
Essay 1: Please discuss the factors, both professional and personal, influencing the career decisions you have made that, in turn, have led you to your current position. What are your career goals for the future, and why is now the appropriate time to pursue an MBA at XXX? How will you avail yourself of the resources at the XXX to achieve these goals?
The vivid images carried on Turkish news channels are terrifyingly commonplace: the surface of the sea littered with dead sheep; a landfill explosion inundating innocent victims; vendors offering radiation-contaminated tea for half price; a schoolgirl falling to her death through an open sewage manhole; radioactive waste sold to unsuspecting scrap dealers; a twenty-year-old tanker breaking into pieces, spilling hundreds of tons of crude oil into the ocean and killing sea life for miles around.

The frequency with which these environmental disasters fill Turkish news broadcasts--and the obvious insensitivity that Turkish authorities demonstrate toward both environmental and health issues--prompted me to learn about ways to prevent these types of disasters. At the age of fifteen, I decided to focus my studies on environmental sciences in order to equip myself with the technical tools I would need to make a real contribution.

After earning a master's degree in environmental sciences, I completed a professional international management certificate program to gain a management perspective in the environmental field. I then realized that, to combine my technical knowledge and management skills effectively, I needed to accumulate real-world experience. Specifically, I decided that working at a large company would allow me to develop insight into various industries and would give me an overarching vision of the international business arena.

For the past two years, I have worked in the energy and environment group of Lec Corporation, Turkey's first and biggest diversified conglomerate. As a Project Engineer, I am mainly responsible for our holding companies' environment and energy sector investments. This position has given me the opportunity to interact with businessmen from all over the world, thereby expanding my international perspective. Because of my outstanding work performance, I was chosen to attend various meetings with local and international governmental bodies such as OPIC, IFC, and the World Bank. It is highly unusual for a young associate to represent the company at such events, and my self-confidence, as well as my management skills, has been greatly enhanced through these experiences.

While working in various lines of business, including the automotive industry, consumer durables, and the energy sector, I have realized that the root cause of many environmental problems is financial. I believe that many people in the environmental sector are so calculating or duplicitous that they will cheat customers to increase profits. Furthermore, businesses do not prioritize environmental investments, and, as a result, insufficient funds are allocated to prevent problems adequately. For instance, despite a population of over eight million people, Istanbul--Turkey's largest city--still lacks a properly operating sewage system. In most of the areas of the city, wastewater is discharged directly into the Bosporus.

In the long term, I plan to help solve my country's problems by starting my own environmental services business in Turkey. The company will serve both local and international customers by providing cost-effective, adaptable solutions in areas ranging from waste management to safety management. To accomplish this goal, however, I must deepen my knowledge of the field. Despite my experience, I still lack some important knowledge and management skills, especially in finance, marketing, and entrepreneurship. I am also aware that I have insufficient knowledge of American environmental issues. Since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur, it is essential that I fill in these gaps.

The XXX School's MBA program provides the perfect training to achieve my entrepreneurial ambitions. I am attracted by the inventiveness and uniqueness of its entrepreneurial and finance programs, and believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of entrepreneurship by interacting with my classmates. I value the fact that at XXX entrepreneurial education does not stop at the classroom, but rather continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that a business school for entrepreneurs should balance theory with real-world application, and XXX's curriculum and opportunities for hands-on training through associations, internships, and field study provides such balance.

I am also drawn to XXX because of the school's emphasis on teamwork and technology, reflected by such exciting courses and programs as High Technology Entrepreneurship, International Finance, twelve-week field application projects, and the global immersion program teaching global thinking and global action. Additionally, the school's profusion of student groups and its flexible entrepreneurial program--in addition to its 200 elective courses--will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. It is precisely this flexibility upon which I plan to draw while at XXX and beyond, by taking advantage of--and contributing to--the school's strong international alumni network.

Above all, a XXX MBA will help me strengthen both the financial knowledge and the entrepreneurial skills necessary to secure a position as an environmental specialist in a multinational, American-based firm. Such a position, in turn, will prepare me to accomplish my long-term ambition of building my own company. By developing and maximizing the technical knowledge and managerial skills I have already accumulated, XXX will allow me ultimately to make a concrete and substantial contribution to Turkey's environment.

Essay 2: Describe a personal achievement that has had a significant impact on your life. In addition to recounting this achievement, please analyze how the event has changed your understanding of yourself and how you perceive the world around you.

During one of my undergraduate courses, I turned a routine research assignment into an incredible learning opportunity. I was asked to design a project that I could conduct in tandem with a supervisor whose interests matched my own. I chose to study with the head of the University's Chemistry Department, and I designed an ambitious project entitled, "Environmental Risk Assessment of Hazardous Materials." After a disastrous earthquake struck Turkey in 1996, causing approximately 30,000 deaths, Turkey's State Planning Organization used the model we developed to determine the risks posed by spilled materials in the region affected by the earthquake.

During my work on the project, my supervisor introduced me to the joys of academic research. Not only did he teach me about the issue at hand, but he also shared with me the practical experiences he had accumulated through both his professional career and his personal life. His main goal was to shape his students into well-educated and socially active engineers with strong personal and professional ethics. He took me to many seminars, fairs, and conferences to give me the background necessary to become an engineer of whom he could be proud. I followed his example through personal initiatives such as becoming president of the Environment Club, in which capacity I organized visits to technical sites and meetings on environmental engineering for first-year students.

One day, my supervisor introduced me to an environmental organization that eventually changed my life. The organization was called "Cekud," and my supervisor was one of its members. My supervisor described the group's activities, including its tree planting campaign called, "Seven Trees," which was predicated upon the assumption that the average person consumes almost seven trees for his or her needs each year.

Impressed with the organization and with its emphasis on direct action, I decided to organize a planting day with Cekud. My coworkers and I rented a bus for the forty-five students who volunteered to be involved. A large turnout of children and teenagers encouraged through Cekud's "Education for Our Future" program gave us an extra push, and together we planted 650 trees in one day. Enjoying my work with children, I decided to volunteer with Cekud's education program and soon was able to realize one of my childhood dreams.

As the son of a Turkish army officer, I had spent much of my childhood moving from base to base around Turkey. The perspective and insight I gained during this period was a significant factor in my personal development. During the early 1980s, there was a great deal of political unrest in Turkey, and security was a major concern for ordinary citizens. For a time, all children had to attend school under the armed protection of soldiers. As if all this commotion were not enough, I had to attend three different primary schools because my family moved so often.

My father was routinely posted in some of the least developed towns in Eastern Turkey. Those regions were severely affected by unpredictable economic conditions and by the rampant terrorism that plagued Turkey during those days. Unemployment soared, and a substantial proportion of the population subsisted on welfare. My classmates came largely from poor families and spoke little Turkish. They could not afford to purchase school uniforms, let alone basic necessities like medicine and food.

Studying in such unstable circumstances was clearly not conducive to an effective education. Nonetheless, I realized early on that I needed to study hard in order to succeed in life. Through determination and perseverance, I did well on the university entrance exams and was offered admission to one of Ankara's best colleges, as well to a university in Istanbul.

It was no easy task acquiring a top-notch education, and I knew firsthand the difficulties faced by children. I have always felt a need to help others and now, as an educated man, I feel even more responsible towards those less fortunate than myself. Years ago, I started allocating approximately six hours each weekend to tutoring Cekud children in mathematics, physics, and chemistry. I also took two children, ages ten and eleven, under my wing with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education.

After seven months of hard work, we succeeded. The two children entered the program, and they will graduate from high school this summer. I tried to shore up their academic foundations with personal support--by playing a brotherly role, by listening to their problems, and by guiding them towards solutions. We organized picnics and arranged city sightseeing tours to help make them socially-conscious citizens.

Cekud turned out to be the opportunity that allowed me to honor my vow. I do not hesitate to call these two children's success my most significant personal accomplishment to date.

atongmu

狂FT，今天才看见这个绝世好贴！
要是2个月前看见就好了，我现在肯定已经轻松了很多。

watercress

太牛了！多谢多谢！！！

dogdog

i copied all the content. learn carefully later

samuelluo

郑重感谢！

guangwen_leon

唉，在坛子里挖了两天，才找到这东东！


    


我已经两天没有出门了，郁闷了两天，现在终于看到了一点希望！^_^


谢谢

juma

爽！