Essay Help Course

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Ethical Dilemmas

This question is designed to evaluate your ability to reason through complexities rather than to assess your ethical standards. In other words, the admissions committee is not looking to confirm that you are a good person. Moreover, the dilemma you choose should not have a clear "right" answer. For example, if your essay involves you struggling against temptation to make the ethical choice, then that is not a dilemma. A dilemma must involve two choices for which equally compelling arguments exist.

The most common approach to this essay is to set yourself up for a third option that offers a compromise between the two original choices. Be careful that this third option isn't a copout or immediately obvious from the beginning. The best essays will conclude with a genuinely creative solution that effectively addresses both sides of the equation.

You can, of course, simply decide to go with one option over the other, but you should have a clear reason for your decision. Don't simply describe the reasons for both sides and arbitrarily choose one in the end. Justify your choice, and show how you dealt with the negative consequences that resulted from it.

The hardest part about this essay is often finding the right topic, so the following is a list of possible scenarios to spark your thinking. Keep in mind that you'll have to do more than substitute your own details, however, because these generic examples don't reach the level of complexity that your answer should reach.

Scenario 1: You discover that your immediate supervisor is taking kickbacks. You are uncertain whether to report it. The conflict is between your loyalty to your boss and your commitment to the greater good of the company.

Possible solution: You decide to turn your boss in, appealing to absolute moral standards. The fact that he has committed a wrong outweighs your personal feelings of friendship.

Better solution: You decide to confront your boss directly, demanding an end to the unethical behavior. This is a compromise in the sense that you're not betraying him outright, but you're seeking the best interests of your company. This solution is stronger because it shows more nuanced thinking and problem solving.

Note that one problem with this dilemma is that it's hard to justify doing nothing about the situation. If you offer the second solution, then you're at least showing a creative analysis, whereas if you go with the first solution, you're merely appealing to the "what's right is right" principle, which may be too simplistic.

Scenario 2: You work for a nonprofit organization that helps AIDS victims. You discover a government error that results in significantly higher funding for your organization. Do you keep the money, which you know will go to a good cause, or do you report the error?

Possible solution: You decide to keep the money, arguing that it could not go to a better cause if sent back through the bureaucracy。

Possible solution: You decide to report the error, because it's not your position to determine the best use for that money.

Third alternative: You write up a proposal for how that extra money would be used. You then contact donors who have been generous in the past explaining your situation and asking that they help you to generate the funds so that you can return the misrouted government money.

Perhaps you could have come up with a better third alternative. This scenario does at least have two more equally matched alternatives. If you chose one side over the other, you should have more fully fleshed out reasoning to justify your decision.

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Getting Personal

Some applications will include a question that simply asks for more information about you as a person. Although all questions are designed to help the readers learn about your character, this type of question is meant to be more open-ended. Some schools might ask what matters most to you, while others will ask for a summary of your personal background. Another common approach is to ask about the influences and experiences that have shaped your development.

While your answers to questions about diversity should make you stand out, your response to the "getting personal" questions should present you as a complete (and preferably likeable) human being. This is not to say that you should not emphasize unique qualities, but you also should not hesitate to focus on common, everyday activities. For example, many people choose to write about their families, and as long as they do so in a personal and engaging way, the result can invoke empathy and understanding in the mind of the reader.

The rule that applies everywhere is paramount in this case: be sincere. Answers that attempt to meet presumed expectations are not only transparent, but also counterproductive, because the best essay you could write is the one that you approach honestly.

Make sure to supplement your genuine ideas with personal details. If you choose to write about the family you're raising, for example, provide stories about the time you spend with your children instead of simply telling the reader how much you care for them.

Offer a focused portrayal. Some questions will ask you to comment on one or two specific aspects of your life, but others will leave it up to you to determine the breadth of your discussion. In those cases, you should aim to convey one or two key themes. This discussion may encompass several experiences, but they should be explored in a coherent manner. This advice applies even to those questions that ask for a summary of your personal background. Instead of approaching the essay with a haphazard list of significant ideas in mind, develop a clear plan to organize your points into a logical, flowing structure. For example, you might choose to organize your essay around a defining quality and trace how it has developed and applied to different aspects of your life. On the other hand, you could choose an external point (e.g., your hometown or city) and describe how your relationship to that point has changed and grown.

Identify defining moments. Some questions will in fact use this exact phrase. A request to summarize your entire history seems daunting, but by focusing on key turning points in your life, you can convey a great deal more meaning than a shallower listing of events. You should not have to search hard for these defining moments, because if they were truly significant to you, they will hold a significant place in your memory.

Coming across as a likeable human being is not enough to get you admitted, but if you have the other relevant qualifications, this additional edge can make a significant difference.

This applicant offers a simple portrait of his family and small-town upbringing. There is nothing remarkable in the experiences he discusses, and he even notes negative elements for the sake of presenting a whole representation: "My mother was eager for me to test my aptitude in other areas as well and so involved me in art, piano, guitar, and tap dancing, none of which engaged my interest as much as sports." Note how he identifies and reflects on "the most memorable event of [his] youth," offering a concrete image of the moving van pulling up for the reader to grasp. Despite its apparent simplicity, the essay accomplishes its purpose of leaving us with a little more understanding of who the writer is.

This applicant takes a similar approach by focusing on his family and the rural setting in which he grew up. Note how his descriptions of family members can be revealing because they show what the writer values and offer context for the relationships he has built with them. He also does an effective job of tying his youth to his recent past: "For example, starting at age 16, I often attended cattle sales in our rural Irish community, where I would haggle with much older and extremely shrewd farmers over the price of cows. Just ten years later, I found myself using those very same negotiating skills in the conference rooms of the U.S. Senate." The connection is intriguing but doesn't sound forced, because the writer has so effectively brought us into his world.

The applicant also does not hesitate to explore conflict and sensitive issues. Because he places such an emphasis on the positive aspects of his upbringing, he can discuss past struggles in a way that invites compassion without seeking pity. Showing how you coped with difficulties, even if they're on a smaller scale than the Ireland conflict, can be a very effective way to convey your greatest strengths.

jeff2003

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随风飘逝

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山峰

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sdyx0

Essay Structures
Now that you have seen the complex themes with which you must engage and begun thinking about the personal details you will use, it's time to begin the daunting task of structuring your essay.

How you structure your essay depends largely on the nature of the question. Therefore we have grouped the questions into three types:

Straightforward Questions are those that define your scope clearly. For example, the question may ask you to describe an experience in which you exercised leadership. You don't have to worry about how many experiences to choose, and you know that your theme will be leadership. This type of essay is easiest to structure, because you won't have much room to deviate.

Complex Questions consist of a series of prompts. The most important one is the "why MBA" question, which usually asks you to tie your reasons into your goals and background. The challenge here is to integrate your responses to individual questions into a single coherent essay.

Open-Ended Questions should be treated like the personal statements you might have written for college. The strategies we offer in this section apply to any question that does not define a scope or offer specific questions to narrow your focus. Such questions might simply ask you to discuss your personal background, for example. A question that asks you to "describe your leadership style" fits into this category instead of the first one, because you must make the decisions on how many experiences to discuss and how to integrate them into a flowing structure.

We offer a final section on the essential issue of Transitions, which applies to all three types of questions.
How Structure Affects Content
Admissions officers appreciate essays that are carefully structured, because they reveal the writer's thought process and ability to engage with details. But you should not conclude that achieving the optimal structure is a mere bonus: it's also essential to maximizing the value of your content.

Your first concern should be clarity. If your essay is haphazardly structured, the reader simply will not be able to follow your ideas, and your whole purpose will be lost.

Your second concern is focus. An essay could be clear on the sentence or paragraph level, but still lack overall coherence. Perhaps you have written three paragraphs each clearly devoted to one topic, but you haven't shown how each topic contributes to some larger point. Some essays will be straightforward enough that your main task is to make sure you're answering the question asked. But when you're dealing with multiple complex questions or more open-ended topics, you must have a focused approach so that the reader can take a clear point away as he or she puts your essay down.

Your third concern is impact. Even a clear and coherent essay can fail to achieve the optimal structure that would maximize the essay's overall impact. For example, the overarching theme of an essay might be your interest in innovation as your reason for pursuing entrepreneurial ventures. After outlining this clear focus in your first paragraph, you go on to write three clear paragraphs each independently offering evidence of your interest in innovation. What's lacking is a sense of progression: the reader sees not growth but repetition. To maximize impact, your structure must allow each point build to upon previous points, thereby improving not only your essay's flow but also the overall force of your argument.

It's important to remember that these three areas overlap. You don't achieve the optimal structure by treating each one as an isolated step, but must keep each one in mind as you plan out your essay.

Straightforward Questions
Essays that fall under this category require you to discuss a particular number (usually one) of experiences as well as a particular kind. For example, you may discuss an ethical dilemma, a leadership experience, or the three accomplishments of which you are most proud. The reason that structuring these types of essays is less complicated is that you have one clear primary task: to answer the question. You don't have to worry about integrating multiple ideas into a single structure, because the main theme has been provided for you.

Although the task is clear, there are still ways to mishandle it. The following are strategies for ensuring that the structure you choose fulfills its purpose.

1. Make sure the topic is clear from the beginning. Sometimes, for example, people will describe a muddled situation but never clearly define where the ethical dilemma lies. Whenever you're facing a question that specifies a kind of experience, clarify how the situation you've chosen fits that category by the end of the first paragraph. If the reader has to puzzle over exactly what your topic is, that will distract him or her from the heart of your discussion.

2. Allow the story to unfold naturally. For essays in which you focus on a single experience, tell the story on its own terms, before you try to impose retrospective insight. For example, in an essay about leadership, offer the full details of what you did before you attempt to draw conclusions about leadership in general. If you want to tie a point to a specific example, put the idea after the evidence, so the flow within each paragraph is still from specific to general.

3. Cultivate dramatic appeal. Not all stories will have a natural sense of drama, but when the opportunity is there, you should capitalize on it. Set up the situation in the introduction, but don't give away the resolution. In subsequent paragraphs, show the gradual progress you made, but also don't hesitate to mention intermediate failures and obstacles you had to overcome. The effect of all this anticipation will be a more satisfying and impressive conclusion.

4. Consider using headings when discussing multiple experiences. When a question asks for the three accomplishments of which you are most proud, you are not expected to write a single essay integrating three topics. That's why we defined "straightforward questions" as those that define your scope for you. If you have to write about two or three experiences, you can treat each as a self-contained answer. To avoid awkward transitions such as "A second accomplishment that I am proud of…," you can use headings for each one. They shouldn't just be "Accomplishment One," but something more descriptive, such as, "Community Service Involvement."

On the other hand, if you do have a way to integrate your topics, you should not hesitate to do so. As always, a coherent picture has more potential to convey the depth of your character than a fragmented one. The reason we point out that you don't need to integrate your topics is to encourage you to think broadly when choosing them rather than deciding on a set that is easy to package.

This applicant uses the introduction to orient the reader to the context of the challenge he faced and the leadership role he played. After the initial orientation, he goes on to tell the details of his story, though within each paragraph there are implicit lessons (e.g., "Combining these incentives allowed me to show them that, although their performance had been fine, they needed to make an even greater effort to complete the project successfully). Finally, only at the end does he explicitly acknowledge what he learned.

The result is a simple but effective structure: the topic is clear, the story flows without interruption, and the insights come naturally.

Complex Questions
Complex questions are those that consist of a series of interrelated questions, and for business school applications, the most popular essay of this type asks why you want to pursue an MBA and what factors influenced your decision. Unfortunately, writing a strong essay is not just a matter of answering all the questions individually. The essay prompt is designed to provoke a coherent response that addresses each question in a way that builds synergy. This section will teach you to identify and develop a strong overarching theme as well as to organize your content in the most effective structure.

Themes

The reason we start with themes is the same reason we suggested you start your brainstorming by thinking about your long-term vision. The overarching theme you decide on will inform the manner in which you organize the rest of your content. This theme is analogous to the thesis of an academic essay, though it's often less explicitly stated.

Finding an overarching theme is essential whenever you have an essay that incorporates more than a single idea or experience, unlike the straightforward essays discussed in the previous section. When we use the term "theme," we mean something that usually has multiple layers. A strong essay that answers the "why MBA" question will never boil down to a statement as simple as the following: "My reason for pursuing an MBA is X." That kind of theme would invite a repetitive structure that merely includes a series of paragraphs offering evidence for a single point. Instead, your theme should introduce complexities, as in the following: "While Experience A inspired my commitment to Field B, my efforts to reach Objective C will require an MBA education, through which I will gain Skill Set D." By asking about your long-term goals and past experiences, the schools are guiding you toward developing this kind of encompassing thematic statement.

There are essentially two ways to set forth your theme. The first is to bring it up in the introduction, usually at the end of the first paragraph. At this stage, since you haven't explored your concrete evidence, the theme should subtly indicate the direction the essay will take rather than try to tell the whole story.

The second approach is to ensure a strong flow between paragraphs, connecting each point with previous ones so the underlying theme gradually emerges. Then the conclusion wraps these individual themes together and includes some kind of encapsulation of the material that preceded it. Below we will use examples to illustrate these two tactics.

The Upfront Approach

The theme of this essay comes down to the following: "Yet the more I learn about the business sector, the more the uncharted territories in the Chinese market enchant me, especially when they involve economic globalization and Internet fever. Understanding and guiding these economic trends in China is my number one motivation for pursuing an MBA in the United States." Later in this first paragraph, the applicant defines her short- and long-term goals more specifically, but by offering the digested version first, she gives the reader a clear idea of where she's headed. The first half of the essay goes on to explore her interest in China's economy in further depth. The essay then flows naturally to the personal aspect: how the Columbia program will help her to take a leading role in "understanding and guiding these economic trends."

This applicant writes a succinct two-sentence introduction that spells out his theme: "This past year, intensive exposure to the telecommunications and Internet industries has allowed me to refine my career goal of launching my own high-tech company in Brazil, which will create jobs and help people become self-sufficient. Harvard's mission perfectly matches these objectives, and its MBA program will assist me by developing my management capabilities and nurturing my interpersonal relationships within the business world." Again, even without knowing what questions he's answering, we can make educated guesses based on the ideas he has seamlessly integrated. Essentially we see how past has influenced future in the first sentence, and we see how the MBA program will provide a bridge in the second sentence.

The Gradual Approach

This applicant uses the first two paragraphs to introduce the reader to the sector in which he hopes to work. You'll notice that the essay actually unfolds similarly to the order of the individual questions from the prompt: from his background, to his current position, to his career goals, and to his decision to pursue an MBA. But the essay would flow regardless of the question order because there is an underlying progression of ideas as each paragraph builds on the previous ones. The final overarching theme then becomes explicit in the three-sentence conclusion. It's even more complex than the previous examples because it comes at the end, and the evidence is already on the table. Nevertheless, it's essential to synthesize the individual points you have been making, because the synthesis shows how everything fits together.

Identifying a theme for these complex questions is a relatively natural process, because you know what issues you have to address. The challenge is articulating in a coherent manner the relationships between your experience and goals and your purpose in pursuing an MBA.

Organization

Because you're answering a set of multiple questions, there are limits to the ways in which you can structure your response. Ultimately, you will either arrange your response as the questions are ordered, or you will not. Below we offer strategies for making the most of both approaches.

Point by Point

The most obvious way to organize your points is to align them with the order of the questions asked. The advantage of this approach is that the underlying outline will be natural to the readers because the schools are so familiar with their own essay prompts. What you must be careful to avoid is simply jumping around from answer to answer. Also, do not recycle the language of the prompt, with all your transitions looking like the following: "My background is…," "My short-term goal is…," "In the long term I plan…"

This essay, quoted above under the Gradual Approach subsection, demonstrates how an essay can follow the order of the questions in a way that appears natural rather than forced. The writer is careful to write transitions that are focused on his own content rather than obviously circumscribed by the language and structure of the essay prompt.

Hierarchy of Evidence

The main argument against using the straightforward point-by-point approach is that it prevents you from constructing your case in the way that you think is best. For example, you might not have a great deal to say about the first question, but your response to the final question may be a point that helps you to stand out. Because your reader will be reading quickly and looking for the main points, it's often a good idea to start with your strongest evidence. You may even highlight your most interesting experience right in the introduction.

This applicant faced the following question: "Please discuss your post-MBA short-term and long-term goals. How will your professional experiences, when combined with an MBA degree, allow you to achieve these goals?" Her organization was roughly as follows: long-term goals, past experiences, short-term goals, with her reasons for seeking an MBA interspersed throughout. Clearly her interest in Taiwan (long-term goal) is a factor that distinguishes her, while her short-term goal of obtaining a corporate finance position is more typical. The latter is still an essential point to make, because it shows that she has thought through her career path, but she is right to open with a more original idea.

How should you identify your optimal structure? Rarely will your short-term goal be your most interesting point, since it's usually a means to an end. It can fit in after your long-term goal or your past experiences or both. Your main decision will be whether to open with a description of your most impressive accomplishment or of the unique and innovative vision you have for your future.

Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions are those that do not define the scope you should take (i.e., how many and what kinds of experiences to discuss). Like personal statements for other types of applications, open-ended essays have more room for creativity, as you must make the decision on issues such as how expansive or narrow your topic should be. For business schools, the most common question of this type asks about your personal background, but many questions that look straightforward are actually relatively open-ended.

For example, a question that asks you to describe your leadership style is more open than a question that asks you to describe a single leadership experience. This question defines the kind of experience you should discuss, but not the number. Therefore you still face decisions on how many examples to use and how to integrate them. On the other hand, a question that asks you to discuss your most important activity limits you to one example, but leaves open from which realm you will choose that example. Therefore you still face decisions on what theme you will use to drive your discussion. In both cases, you should use the guidelines discussed in this lesson to structure your essay.

The key aims of this lesson are the same as for the previous one: you will learn how to identify and develop an overarching theme and to organize your content in the most effective structure. There will also be some overlap in subsections.

Themes

As we explained in the last lesson, the overarching theme you decide on will inform the manner in which you organize the rest of your content. But in contrast to the type of essay discussed in the previous lesson, you don't have a series of questions to guide your thought process for these open-ended types. Instead, you must analyze your main ideas and examples and identify the underlying theme that ties them together.

There are two extremes that you should avoid, as demonstrated by the following examples:
TOO BROAD: "A variety of experiences have shaped me into the person I am today."
TOO NARROW: "My character is defined by hard work."
It is better to err on the side of specificity, but to avoid the problem of sounding too narrow and over-simplistic, you should add layers to create a more sophisticated theme. For example: "While perseverance helped me to survive academically during my first years in the U.S., I discovered a more profound love of learning when I chose my major in college."

The same two methods of articulating your theme apply here as they did to the complex essays. We will go through them again with different examples.

The Upfront Approach

The idea here is to articulate your theme in the introduction, suggesting the focus of your argument as you would in a thesis statement. This applicant faces the question, "What matters most to you and why?" Many people will choose a concrete topic, such as family or religion. In those cases, it's still essential to have a theme in addition to the topic, so the essay doesn't amount to a disordered listing of facts. The approach that this applicant uses is unique in that the topic is itself a theme: "a lifelong pursuit to improve myself as a human being." To add further depth to this theme, he explains how he will approach the topic from three angles: professional, spiritual, and personal.

Not all essays need to be as clearly outlined as this one is. Nevertheless, this essay demonstrates the effectiveness of asserting a clear theme that offers direction for the rest of the discussion.

The Gradual Approach

Because you are writing personal essays, you might prefer to allow the argument to unfold more naturally as a story. Each paragraph will build upon previous points as an underlying theme gradually emerges. The conclusion then ties these individual themes together and includes some kind of encapsulation of the material that preceded it. This applicant writes a summary of his personal and family background. He begins by making each point on its own terms, without trying to force an all-encompassing interpretation on his life.

Gradually, however, ideas begin to recur about obstacles, sacrifice, and the united resolve that his family showed. He puts these pieces together in the final paragraph: "My family created a loving home in which I was able to develop the self-confidence that I need in order to overcome many of the challenges that I face in my career. In addition, growing up in a family of very modest means, and being conscious of my parents' sacrifices, has given me a powerful sense of drive."

Organization

Answering open-ended questions will naturally give you more freedom in adopting an arrangement for your ideas. While one strategy comes from the previous lesson, the other two are new.

Hierarchy of Evidence

This approach will be less common for open-ended questions because the majority of them ask about personal background, and in those cases you're not looking to emphasize accomplishments by bringing them to the forefront. Nevertheless, if there's something in your personal background that would make you stand out, you should not hesitate to open with that rather than stick to more conventional orderings.

Showing Progress

We do not have a section advising chronological order, because despite its convenience, you should not choose such an approach for its own sake. A chronological essay often reads like a dull list, undiscriminating in its details. On the other hand, the Showing Progress approach often results in a chronological order for independent reasons.

The guiding principle here is to structure your evidence in a way that demonstrates your growth, from a general initial curiosity to a current definite passion, or from an early aptitude to a refined set of skills. It differs from the Hierarchy of Evidence approach because your strongest point might come at the end, but its strength lies precisely in the sense of culmination that it creates.

This applicant faces a variation of the failure question. Instead of being asked to discuss one failure, he has to reflect on the quotation, "Mistakes are the portals of discovery." (Note: here the theme is given to you, but the scope is not defined. Therefore the example is still useful, as the writer has to choose how to organize his evidence.) After discussing his initial mistake, he describes subsequent actions with clear comparisons to the original experience that demonstrate the progress he has made. Moreover, his choice to discuss two separate mistakes creates a second level of progress, as the lessons he learns after the second mistake are clearly more advanced and mature.

Juxtaposing Themes

If two experiences are closely related but occurred years apart, it makes more sense to develop them as one set of ideas than to interrupt them with unrelated points. This essay, quoted above under the Gradual Approach subsection, moves through the applicant's personal background point by point, instead of attempting to tell a chronological story. He devotes separate paragraphs to different family members and discusses his experience with the religious conflicts in Ireland in its own segment. Thus each idea is developed in full without being interrupted by points that would fit in only because of chronology.

Your decision between these latter two approaches comes down to the nature of your content -- most importantly, the number of ideas you're juggling. Moreover, showing progress is more significant in an essay about self-development than one about more external factors. Finally, note that you can combine the two approaches by showing progress within self-contained thematic units.

Transitions
Throughout our discussion of structure, we have stressed the importance of articulating a clear theme to keep your essay focused. The transition sentences you write play a major role in maintaining this sense of coherence throughout.

The basic purpose of a transition is to serve as a topic sentence; it should give enough direction so the reader knows what to expect. When your essay is following not only a chronological order but a single train of thought, the paragraphs may flow smoothly anyway. For example, in this essay, note the ways in which paragraphs 2-5 begin: with clear references to the various stages of his university career. The step-by-step process is therefore logical and easy to follow.

The topic sentence has more work to do when you move from theme to theme or experience to experience. The reader has to know where you're going next. This applicant describes a client he has worked with as follows: "Mr. Moraes is not the kind of CEO who only attends meetings with the board of directors; on the contrary, he talks to everybody in the company and knows most of the 1,214 employees by name." The sentence sounds natural, a distinct idea in itself but also one that intimates what is to follow. Note that the transition is smooth because it takes a step back and suggests a somewhat general point about CEOs.

The strongest transitions will not only introduce the ensuing material but will draw connections to prior paragraphs. These connections can note both similarities and differences. The link does not even have to be intrinsic to the subjects themselves. For example, this applicant shows how he personally has combined two qualities without acknowledging any intrinsic similarities: "This open-mindedness, coupled with my interest in spiritual matters, has led me to develop a keen interest in other religions." When there's no obvious link between the two topics, you can make a connection by discussing their role in your life.

Of course, you should when possible seek more in-depth transitions to strengthen the forcefulness of your points. This applicant shows how the experience he's about to describe is similar to a previous point: "Beyond the academic diversity offered at Wharton, a key lure to me is its diverse student body and renowned faculty." The connection between two types of diversity helps one point to flow smoothly to the next.

What Not to Do

The most common mistake -- other than not including transitions at all -- is to rely on words like "also" or "further," which don't provide any thematic link. Using such substance-less transitions makes your essay sound like a list instead of a logical argument. For example:
Bad: "Working at X company also provided a great deal of useful experience."

Good: "Although my previous position provided insight into the technical aspects of the industry, working at X company allowed me to interact with a broader range of corporate personnel and to gain exposure to new issues in management."
Whenever possible, you should aim to create transitions with as much depth as this one has. When you can make a substantive statement both about what's to follow and what preceded, then you not only ensure a smooth flow, but you also reiterate and highlight your key themes.

sdyx0

Style and Tone
While the structure of your essay affects the clarity, coherence, and impact of your content, writing style affects presentation in an even more fundamental way: it determines how engaged your reader is from sentence to sentence. Poor writing can make fascinating experiences a dull read, while strong writing can transform mundane details into an exciting tale.

The best advice we can give is to be simple and straightforward. Occasionally an essay will sound choppy or unsophisticated because of too many short sentences, but usually the problem is the opposite scenario. Applicants think that flowery prose and large words will make them sound more intelligent, when in reality their expression ends up being muddled and tedious. A direct style is not only more efficient to read, but it's also more enjoyable because it allows a steadily moving pace.

The tone you use should be conversational, not too formal or informal. The sentences you write should be sentences that you would actually say. This is not to suggest that you shouldn't spend time refining your writing carefully, but the ultimate goal should be a natural voice.

In this section of the course, we will cover the major weaknesses and mistakes most applicants are guilty of and show you how to turn them into strengths.
Achieving Genuine Style
In a sense, the advice covered in this section is remedial. We're trying to teach you to avoid the common mistakes of bad writing that even smart people can make. The goal is to achieve a clean, readable, and enjoyable piece of writing. Very few writers in the entire applicant pool will have the kind of style that will make them stand out on the strength of writing alone.

Developing such a style requires time and investment, and some may argue that it can't be taught. If you want to undertake a more long-term investment in your writing aptitude, here are some tips:

1. Immerse yourself in good writing. Read publications like The New Yorker and Atlantic Monthly. Even without conscious effort, your writing will improve because you will begin to think in more vivid language.

2. Imitate good writers. Try a broad range of styles, from Faulkner to Hemingway. This will get you thinking about writing on a higher level and prepare you to forge your own voice as you begin to master the nuances of language.

3. Keep a journal. No matter what you choose to write about, your writing will improve simply because you're practicing the craft. Keep to a steady schedule.

4. Become a good editor. Whether you're rewriting your own piece or someone else's, the process of editing will help you learn to pay attention to subtleties and keep an eye on the big picture.

5. Have your work critiqued by professionals. Using a service such as EssayEdge's will not only help you improve the essay you submit, but will also teach you to recognize your general strengths and weaknesses as a writer.

Sentence Variety
Inexperienced writers tend to use longer, more complex sentences because they think they demonstrate intelligence. In contrast, strong writers know that a point is most forceful when it is conveyed concisely and directly. Although the purpose of this section is to teach you to improve on sentence variety, we also want you to be aware that simplicity should be your ultimate goal. Sophisticated thoughts will require complex sentences, but you should never complicate a simple idea for the sake of creating more intricate sentences.

Does this mean that the best essay will consist of all simple sentences? No. We stress this point only because most people have a tendency to start with sentences that are more complex than necessary, because ideas don't formulate themselves in our minds in the clearest, most direct structure. The best-written essays will feature steady variation in sentence length - but again with no sentences forced into a more complex mode.

Simplifying

The first step in simplifying is to identify what needs to be fixed. Usually the problem comes from trying to cram too many points into one sentence and using too many auxiliary clauses. Consider the following two sets of examples:
BEFORE: To this program I will bring a determined spirit, coupled with a strong background in research and volunteer work, which I pursued with energy and a focus on the future that grows ever closer to being within reach.

AFTER: I have pursued all my research and volunteer work with relentless energy and clear focus. To this program I will bring the same sense of determination that has made my once distant goals now close within my reach.
The total word count remains the same, but the ideas are now much clearer and more fully fleshed out.
BEFORE: Having long been interested in a career in law, which will allow to combine my analytical thinking skills with the pursuit of social justice, I now feel that I have accumulated the necessary experience and education to begin a formal pursuit in this field, with X school offering the best curriculum for my needs.

AFTER: A career in law will allow me to combine my analytical thinking skills with the pursuit of social justice. Having accumulated the necessary experience and education, I now look forward to pursuing my long-held interest in law at X school, which offers the best curriculum for my needs.

OVERSIMPLIFIED: A career in law will allow me to combine my analytical thinking skills with the pursuit of social justice. I have accumulated the necessary experience and education. I now look forward to pursuing my long-held interest in law at X school. X school offers the best curriculum for my needs.
As you can see, the second version still includes a complex sentence, but separating one clause out makes the ideas much clearer. We are not by any means advocating the extreme simplicity of the third version. It is oversimplified not only because it sounds choppy, but because it has removed certain textual relationships that were in the original - most importantly, "Having accumulated --> I now look forward."

Varying Constructions

Sentence variety is not just a matter of length; a well-paced piece of writing will vary its sentence constructions as well. Everyone can recognize what's wrong with the following:
"I walked into the room. The patient looked up at me. I greeted him with a smile. His eyes brightened."
Most people, however, would write something like the following without realizing their error:
"Having entered the room, I saw the patient look up at me. Sensing his discomfort, I tried to ease his concerns by greeting him with a smile. Appreciating my gesture, he responded with glowing eyes."
Every sentence starts with a present participle (a verb + "ing" --> adjective), states the subject, and gives the predicate. The following is a revision:
"I saw the patient look up as I entered the room. Sensing his discomfort, I tried to ease his concerns by greeting him with a smile. Although his brightening eyes showed that he appreciated my gesture, pain prevented him from responding any further."
The first sentence now starts with the subject, and the third sentence introduces a new kind of dependent clause with the conjunction "although."
If you have trouble finding ways to vary your sentence constructions, try some of the following basic ideas:
1. Combine two short sentences into one compound sentence:
"The game had just started, and our seats gave us a perfect view."
2. Use prepositional phrases, and vary their location:
"With only an hour left to finish, I knew I had to focus."
"I knew I had to focus, with only an hour left to finish."
3. Use the many conjunctions available to you - however, when, while, as, because, for, since, although, though - and vary their location:
"When we arrived, I knew we were too late to stop the fight."
"We watched in disbelief, though we longed to intervene in some way."
4. Use participles and gerunds (a verb + "ing" --> noun):
"Facing great risks, he nevertheless accepted the challenge without hesitation."
"Working at an immigration law firm has given me firsthand knowledge of the struggles people face in settling here."
Using just these basic tools, you can create a powerful and engaging piece of writing. The key is to keep changing your constructions so each sentence sounds fresh and new.

Word Choice
Whenever possible, use the shorter, simpler word.

You can use a thesaurus to jog your memory when you're trying to come up with a better synonym, but never use a word with which you aren't already familiar. Words often have connotations and nuances of meaning that you can appreciate only after having seen them in context, so you're taking a great risk if you use a word that you don't know well.

Even if you do feel comfortable with more advanced vocabulary, you should use the simpler synonym if that captures your meaning just as well. For example, instead of "ameliorated the situation," you could just as easily say "improved the situation." On the other hand, a word like "exasperated" is more intense than a synonym like "frustrated," and so you should use it if that's the sense you're trying to convey.

Use precise language.

Choose words that capture your experience fully and accurately. For example:
VAGUE: When we first started the business, I performed a range of duties to get the company going.

PRECISE: When we first started the business, I took the initiative to contact potential partners, evaluate the service of our competitors, and tailor our plan to local markets.
Use nouns and verbs rather than adverbs and adjectives.

Inexperienced writers think that using fancy adverbs and adjectives will make their writing look more eloquent, but in fact they just bog down your rhythm and usually sound like fluff. They also tend to make your writing sound abstract because they are not actual physical substances. Good writers stick to concrete nouns that the reader can grasp, and even more importantly, vivid verbs that are the lifeblood of active, engaging language.
BEFORE: I ran quickly to the board where the results would be posted, with many curious people standing around waiting anxiously to see their scores.

AFTER: I rushed to the board to find people crowded around muttering prayers to themselves as they awaited the dean's arrival with their score results.
The phrase "ran quickly" has become the more succinct and punchy "rushed." Instead of "many curious people standing around," we have substituted "people crowded around muttering prayers to themselves." Thus we gain a more vivid verb in "crowded" and a concrete image of people muttering prayers instead of the abstract adjective "curious" and the clunky adverb "anxiously." In focusing on nouns and verbs, we have succeeded in showing instead of telling.
Avoid repetition.
Don't use words twice in close proximity, and don't use the same words regularly throughout an essay. The problem usually comes in overusing the same noun that's central to your topic. Although we emphasized the importance of precision when you're describing the details of experiences, you can get away with synonyms when writing more broadly about themes and topics.

For example, if your essay is about your skills in interpersonal interaction, you could use such similar phrases as "communication strengths" and "building trusting relationships."

Verb Tense

The reason we are devoting nearly an entire section to tips on removing the passive voice from your writing is that it's both a very common flaw and very easily correctable. Within this section we also will explain how to choose more active language even when passive voice is not involved.

Defining Passive Voice

Passive voice occurs when the subject and object of an action are inverted, so the subject is the recipient of the act instead of its performer. For example:
PASSIVE: The man was bitten by the dog.
ACTIVE: The dog bit the man.
PASSIVE: I was told by my teacher to come at noon.
ACTIVE: My teacher told me to come at noon.
Note that the word "by" is present in these two examples. A sentence can be passive without the word "by," but it is always at least implied. For example: "I was given bad directions [by my friend]."

Passive voice always involves a to be verb. To be verbs include am, are, been, being, is, was, were. On the other hand, a sentence can include a to be verb without being passive. For example:
"I have been involved in this organization for several years."
"He is leaving in five minutes."
Later we will discuss ways to avoid to be verbs even when they are not in passive-voice constructions.

When Passive Voice is Acceptable

There are generally two cases when passive voice is acceptable: 1) when there is no defined or tangible subject; 2) when the emphasis really should be on the object of the action. In these cases, the alternative is often awkward and less natural sounding.
CASE 1: He is referred to as "the great one."
AWKWARD ALTERNATIVE: The general public refers to him as "the great one."
CASE 2: For the fifth time this year, Johnson was hit by a pitch.
AWKWARD ALTERNATIVE: For the fifth time this year, a pitch hit Johnson.
Avoiding Passive Voice

As we've already shown, the basic approach to avoiding passive voice is quite simple. Identify the subject of the action (the noun that follows "by" or is otherwise implied) and bring that to the front of the clause. Remove the to be verb. Adjust any other word-order issues as needed. Try these five examples as an exercise:
1. He was given too many chances to start over by his friends.
2. She was instructed to remain seated by her teacher.
3. Their efforts were obstructed by brilliant defensive strategy.
4. The machine was started by the operator on time.
5. The door was shut by the angry mother.
Answers:
1. His friends gave him too many chances to start over.
2. Her teacher instructed her to remain seated.
3. Brilliant defensive strategy obstructed their efforts.
4. The operator started the machine on time.
5. The angry mother shut the door.
Achieving Active Writing

Active language comes not just from avoiding passive voice but further requires the use of strong action verbs. In addition to avoiding to be verbs, you should try to replace helping verbs such as have, had, has, do, does, did and other vague verbs like got and get.
BEFORE: I had opportunities to develop my skills.
AFTER: I sought opportunities to develop my skills.

BEFORE: I got the promotion through hard work.
AFTER: I earned the promotion through hard work.

BEFORE: She did well in this competitive environment.
AFTER: She thrived in this competitive environment.

BEFORE: My mother didn't want to show up without a gift.
AFTER: My mother hesitated to show up without a gift.

BEFORE: The salesman told the audience about his products.
AFTER: The salesman promoted his products to the audience.
The last two examples demonstrate the lack of clear distinction between strong and weak verbs. There's nothing in the dictionary that will tell you that promoted sounds stronger than told. It's largely a matter of how much meaning the word contains. Promoted has a more precise and nuanced meaning than told.

You can certainly develop a strong eye for these subtle issues, but active writing is an area where professional editing can make a substantial difference.

Tone
Tone is broadly described as the author's attitude toward his or her subject. It can be passionate, distant, angry, and lighthearted, among many other possibilities. Unfortunately there are too many possibilities for us to cover, and without knowing your subject, we cannot give the most specific advice possible. The obvious pitfalls include sounding condescending or frivolous, while sounding energetic and enthusiastic is a definite positive.

Although we cannot be more detailed about these specific approaches, there are still important general lessons to convey. In this section we will teach you how to strike a balance between sounding too casual and too formal. Then we will discuss ways to achieve the confident, energetic tone for which all writers should strive.
Too Casual
The danger in writing too casually is that you might come across as someone who doesn't take the application process seriously enough. When we say that you should be conversational, you should think in terms of an interview conversation. In other words, the situation is serious, but your words sound natural and not overwrought. Writing that's too informal would be the language you use when chatting with friends.
Some examples include the use of colloquialisms, sentence fragments, or slang. The following should illustrate a clear problem:
"The way I look at it, someone needs to start doing something about disease. What's the big deal? People are dying. But the average person doesn't think twice about it until it affects them. Or someone they know."
Too Formal / Detached
More people err on the side of being too formal, because they take the quality of being professional to an extreme. They forget that this is a personal and not an academic essay. For example, some people even try to write about themselves without using the first person, because they were taught in high school English that "I" is anathema.

Generally the problem of sounding too formal goes along with detaching oneself from one's subject. Some writers will try to write too objectively or as though they were trying to provide logical evidence for a thesis. Consider this before-and-after example:
BEFORE: There was a delay in the start of the project, attributable to circumstances beyond the control of all relevant parties. Progress came to a standstill, and no one was prepared to undertake the assessment of the problem and determination of the solution. An unexpected shift in roles placed this duty on myself.

AFTER: The project got off to a late start due to circumstances beyond our control. We could not move forward, and no one stepped forward to take the lead in figuring out what went wrong. Despite my junior status, I decided to undertake this challenge.
The second version clearly sounds more natural, and the uses of "our," "we," and "I" make the reader sense that the writer has a more personal stake in the problem. There are several differences worth noting.
1. The second version is shorter. Writing in excessively formal language often requires more words, such as "beyond the control of all relevant parties" vs. "beyond our control."

2. The second version avoids two to be verbs and replaces them with more active ones.

3. The first version turns words that are usually verbs into nouns: "determination" and "assessment." This adds a definite stiffness to the writing.

4. The second version uses phrases that sound conversational but not informal: "got off to a late start" and "figuring out what went wrong." The line is fuzzy, but again, ask yourself if you would use these phrases in an interview. The answer here should be yes, while "What's the big deal?" is a clear mistake.

5. Another example of the first version depersonalizing the issue is in the last sentence, which is ambiguous. The new version does not rely on the vague phrase "an unexpected shift in roles" and has the further benefit of making the writer sound more active in assuming leadership.
Sounding Confident
Within this category, we will also cover how to sound enthusiastic, positive, and passionate - in other words, the basic qualities every essay should have regardless of its subject. We will go through some general guidelines and offer before-and-after examples when appropriate:

1. Avoid phrases like "I believe" and "I feel" and "I think." Even worse are phrases that add an adverb, such as "I strongly believe." Your tone will be much more confident if you just make the statement without preface.

2. There's little value that can come from being negative, whether you're writing about a weakness or a negative external situation. Downplay the negative aspects and emphasize the positive.
BEFORE: Our business has struggled since the whole market started its downturn, but we are staying strong.

AFTER: Despite a slowdown that has coincided with the market struggles, we have taken measures to remain competitive and are beginning to reverse the downturn.
3. When you're trying to convey your enthusiasm about a subject, the language you use should parallel your feelings. Stiff, deadened, and passive writing will contradict the passion you're claiming to possess. Use action verbs to inject vigor into your writing, and of course, show rather than tell whenever possible.
BEFORE: Civil rights is an issue I feel strongly about. The legal field is closely related to this issue, and I would like to use it as an avenue to effect change.

AFTER: I have marched, demonstrated, and campaigned for the civil rights of all people. Now I hope to tackle the systemic roots of the problem through a career in law.
4. Emphasize your active role. This point has come up so many times because it affects so many aspects of your writing. Highlight the ways in which you actively contributed to a situation or to your own progress. For example, if you were assigned an important project, you should point out that your consistent quality of work earned you higher responsibilities.
BEFORE: I was not sure what job to take next, but a great opportunity in health care administration came up.

AFTER: I explored a wide range of career possibilities and discovered an opportunity in health care administration that intrigued me most.
A Note on Humor
Being funny in writing is very difficult, because the voice and exact context depend on the reader and are in a sense beyond the writer's control. You could be a very funny person and nevertheless be unable to show that side of you in writing. If you see potential for using humor, you should aim small. Don't expect big laughs by being outrageous. Instead, aim to bring a smile to the reader's face by including a clever witticism.

Be careful that your tone does not come across as flippant or overly sarcastic. Slight irony is good, and self-deprecating humor can be effective, because it shows that you don't take yourself too seriously.

Clichés
In everyday language, clichés are simply common expressions that are an easy way to get one's point across. For example, saying, "He really put his foot in his mouth" is a convenient way to make the point that "He said something that he should now regret saying."

What's acceptable in spoken language can be offensively bad in writing. Good writing must be original: you should instead always aim to state your ideas in engaging language and from a fresh perspective.

In addition to the general clichés of the English language, you have to watch out for those that are more specific to the application essay. The challenge here is that these themes have become clichés precisely because they are valuable and significant, so you don't want to ignore them. You simply have to find fresh ways to convey hackneyed ideas. The best advice is to be as specific and personal as possible, thereby emphasizing your uniqueness. The following is a list of some of the most egregious clichés, within the context of a bland statement:
"As I finished the race, I realized I had learned the value of hard work and appreciated the fact that I could accomplish anything if I set my mind to it."

"Working in this atmosphere made me appreciate the value of diversity."

"With each member contributing something valuable to our purpose, I soon recognized the importance of teamwork."

"As the young child embraced me in gratitude, I discovered the true value of making a difference in people's lives."

"That summer in New York truly broadened my horizons."
There's no way to reword the above sentences to make them significantly stronger. The problem lies in the very approach the hypothetical writer of those statements has taken. A reliance on clichés is usually indicative of superficial ideas and telling instead of showing. The only way to improve upon the above sentiments would be to enrich them with concrete details and add depth using a more personal perspective.

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Intros and Conclusions
In the Essay Structures section of the course, we touched on some of the purposes of the introduction and conclusion. Specifically, we discussed how an introduction can orient the reader to the ideas the essay will undertake, and, more briefly, how the conclusion could be useful in synthesizing those ideas. At that point, we were most concerned about the coherence of your essay's structure.

In this section, our purpose becomes slightly narrower for the introduction and broader for the conclusion. That is, having covered one of the two major aspects of the introduction already, we will now focus on the other: how to draw the reader in. On the other hand, since we have not yet covered the conclusion in depth, we will focus here on defining its purpose and offering tips on how to achieve that purpose.
Achieving Genuine Style
There is no approach more hackneyed than opening with a quotation. The ones we see at EssayEdge are almost always just marginally clever expressions of the most obvious lessons about hard work, persistence, and fulfilling one's dreams - often barely relevant to the rest of the essay. Occasionally someone will find a quote that's worth a pause, but even then the reader will not be impressed. The very sight of quotation marks at the beginning of your essay might elicit a cringe or sigh.

The admissions committee wants to know what you have to say. If you find some fascinating quotation by another person, using it won't make your case for admission any more compelling. In fact, an impatient reader might simply write you off as unoriginal. Neither does quoting a philosopher or Shakespeare make you appear well read, because anyone can consult Bartlett's Familiar Quotations to find something that sounds smart.

Finally, even quoting your grandmother or some other wise relative has been done too many times by now. This is not to say that you shouldn't use dialogue if you're describing a particular episode, but anything that sounds like an aphorism is only going to add triteness to your essay, no matter how perfectly your life illustrates that theme.

Introductions
The introduction is the most important part of your essay, and it has one purpose to fulfill above all others: to draw the reader in. Ideally this should all begin right from the attention-grabbing opening sentence. If the introduction can then go on to orient the reader to the focus of the essay, then that can be very helpful. But orientation is not the essential task because it can be achieved gradually in the essay.
Tne problem that many essays suffer from is wasting space with irrelevant or generic introductions. For example, this essay spends one-and-a-half paragraphs reflecting on the question and the writer's very basic thought process ("I took some time over the past few weeks to reflect on my personal history, present context, and future plans"). Because this passage is so vague, the reader will most likely get impatient. A sentence like the following should tip you off that you need to get to the point: "I believe I am one of many applicants who confront this question without a ready-made answer…" You want to start by emphasizing your uniqueness, not by blending in.
If you have an introduction like this in your essay, the best move would be to delete it. Often your second paragraph, which begins to discuss a specific experience, will work much better as an introduction. But you may also find that a later paragraph works even better. In general, you should bring your most compelling experience to the forefront and then structure your essay around that.
The following is a list of possible approaches to the introduction, with an emphasis on the opening sentence itself:
Jump Right In
Some people will start with a compelling experience but will insist on prefacing that experience with a very generic statement such as the following: "My long-term goals can be traced to my interest in improving my native country's economy." Often the reason people will write such a statement is that they feel compelled to restate the question in some way. Don't hesitate to start with the evidence and examples first.
If, on the other hand, you're tempted to use the first sentence to explain context, you should respect the reader's intelligence enough to save that context for later. For example, consider the following passage from this essay.
"My most significant leadership experience occurred during a recent Bain & Company project for a major telecom firm in Brazil. I was assigned to lead 25 client staff members -- all of them much older than me -- in evaluating the firm's 584 dealers on a tight deadline. I must confess I was initially frightened by the task, since my peers would be counting on a recently arrived consultant."
This applicant probably felt that he had to explain from the beginning where he was working and offer context for the situation. The result is a very dry and flat opening statement. Now look at the following restructuring, which grabs the reader's attention more immediately and conveys the necessary context in time:
"Coming from the outside to lead 25 unfamiliar staff members seemed daunting enough, but the challenge was compounded when I learned that all of them were much older than me. A recent Bain & Company project had assigned me to a major telecom firm in Brazil, where I would lead the client staff in evaluating the firm's 584 dealers on a tight deadline."
As you can see, it's possible to establish context later on, after you have the reader's attention. The revised version starts with a concrete point rather than an abstract idea about "my most significant leadership experience." Moreover, the challenge involved is articulated immediately to reveal the stakes to the reader, instead of being delayed until the final sentence of the paragraph.
Show Your Originality
If you can make yourself stand out right from the first sentence, then you will have contributed a great deal to your case for admission. You should not of course just throw out a random fact about yourself, but if your essay is going to emphasize a unique aspect of your life, then by all means that should come up right away.
This applicant starts as follows: "I grew up on a small cattle farm in Donegal, just ten miles from the border separating the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland."
Clearly not many applicants will have similar backgrounds. After successfully grabbing our attentions, however, the writer goes on to explore the significance of his upbringing, so this opening statement becomes part of the broader discussion.
State a Problem
By stating a problem, you create instant curiosity because the reader wants to see how you will address this problem. This applicant describes environmental disasters in Turkey through concrete, vivid imagery. After offering these external details, the writer can turn to reflect on his personal involvement with environmental issues and have our full attention.
Open With a Story
Business school applications require concise, efficient writing. There often just isn't room for the storytelling and creativity that other types of schools encourage. That said, stories are a great way to make your point in a personal, natural way. Especially as introductions, they can draw the reader in to your life and offer an in-depth, detailed portrait of your character.
This applicant answers the "most significant personal accomplishment" question by showing himself in the process of working toward it. The story itself is hardly gripping in this case, but it works as a warmer, more inviting opening than a dry restatement of the question ("My most significant personal accomplishment was…"). Don't hesitate to be even more personal and detailed, as long as your descriptive writing accomplishes a meaningful purpose.

Conclusions
The conclusion is the second most important part of your essay, after the introduction. Just as the introduction had the primary purpose of drawing the reader in, the conclusion's foremost function should be to leave the reader with a lasting impression. This section will offer guidelines on how to maximize the impact of that impression. These guidelines can be grouped into three categories, each of which encompasses a lesson of what not to do.

Every essay needs to have at least a concluding sentence, so the ending doesn't feel abrupt. But shorter answers won't have room for a full conclusion. In those cases, you should still keep the following principles in mind, but the reader will understand that you don't have room to expand as much as you'd like.

Synthesize, Don't Summarize

The chief difference between these two tactics is that the former deals with themes while the latter deals with facts/experiences, though there is some overlap. You do not need to recap the essay paragraph-by-paragraph. You do not need to remind the reader of the experiences you discussed (except as individual experiences might be tied to certain themes you want to synthesize).

You do want to reiterate key themes, but preferably not in a way that merely repeats them. Ideally, the process of synthesizing them will add a fresh perspective. Try to tie themes together and demonstrate how they complement each other. Of course, you should stay away here as always from trite and clichéd generalizations.

In a very succinct conclusion, this applicant ties together several ideas that he has developed over the course of the essay. Most important is the way he articulates his plans to combine his MBA education with the insight he possesses into the international market. The essay has explored his objectives and background independently, and although the connection between them may be implicit throughout, bringing them together in the conclusion helps to drive the point home.

If in the process of synthesizing you can invoke your introduction, that will add a strong sense of closure. There are a number of different ways this could be accomplished. You might complete a story you started in the introduction, or as the above applicant does, you might show how something has changed in your present since the timeframe of the introduction.

Expand on Broader Significance - Within Reason

One way to ensure that your last paragraph has something fresh to say is to tie your ideas to some broader implications, whether about yourself or your field. But don't get carried away: some applicants think they have to make reference to saving the world or derive some grand philosophical truths from their experiences. Stay grounded and focused on your personal details.

This applicant strengthens the impact of his essay by describing the broader significance of his work. Interestingly, that significance actually has two levels: his influence on public policy, and his sense of fulfillment in giving back to the community in which he grew up. The fact that the latter point is just as, if not more, powerful than the first demonstrates that you need not reach beyond the personal to find meaning.

Don't Add Entirely New Information, Except to Look Ahead

When we use the word "fresh" here, we're thinking mainly of perspectives and ideas. You should avoid adding entirely new information about your experiences. In shorter essays, you might have to pack details in everywhere, but in general, if it's an important experience, it should come earlier.

That said, speaking of goals in your conclusion is a strong way to end. Even if you've begun this discussion earlier in the essay, you can use the conclusion to get more specific or to discuss the immediate future. Applicants will often use the last paragraph to write about the schools to which they're applying and specific programs in which they are interested. The delineation of goals complements the process of synthesizing themes, because you can tie your themes together in the context of where you will go next.

This applicant writes about a role model. Of course, goals are not an essential part of such an essay, but he has specific points to make that tie in to his preceding discussion. Mentioning specific classes does not seem like distracting new information, but rather a logical conclusion given that the rest of the essay -- a discussion of past experiences -- is building up to make a statement about the present and future.


Lesson Six: Editing & Revising
Even the best writers need to edit their work. Their first drafts might be very strong already, but they can always get better. You too will find aspects to improve during the editing process, from broad content issues down to basic word choice.
Try to write a complete first draft before you worry too much about editing. Otherwise you might find your creativity hampered by your analytical side. Once you have a first draft finished, set it aside for a few days or more if you have that luxury. When you return to it with a fresh perspective, you will probably notice many problems that did not occur to you before and recognize better ways of handling various points.

Do not hesitate to edit at all levels, even if it means you'll be doing a lot of rewriting. Throw out entire paragraphs if you can't recall what purpose they were serving. Replace boring passages with vivid details, banal generalizations with sharp insights. Cut and paste until you've achieved the optimal structure. Fine-tune every sentence until it is clear, concise, and graceful.

Is there such a thing as over-editing? If you begin to lose sight of your goals and can no longer distinguish between constructive and unconstructive changes, then you may begin to detract from the freshness and strength of your essay. At that point, the only course you can take is to set the essay aside again until you can read it with a clear mind.

EssayEdge provides significant help with the editing and revising process. Having edited tens of thousands of admissions essays, our Harvard-educated editors can take a poor, boring essay and make it a powerful personal essay. We will carefully edit the essay to improve the impact of the introduction and conclusion, the logic and transition, the content, and the grammar. For more on our services, please visit our editing section.
Soliciting Feedback
All writers rely on outside feedback. You may want to use friends, family, and teachers as an initial resource before submitting your essay for more hands-on editing by EssayEdge. While the people you know can give you valuable suggestions based on their relationship with you, EssayEdge offers a vital perspective in providing objective criticism and expertise specific to the admissions essay.

The following is an evaluative questionnaire for you to give your readers along with the essay:

1. Did my opening paragraph capture your attention?

2. Did you find the statement as a whole to be interesting?

3. Did you find it to be well written?

4. Did it seem positive, upbeat?

5. Did it sound like me?

6. Do you regard it as an honest and forthright presentation of who I am?

7. Did it seem to answer the question(s)?

8. Can you think of anything relevant that I might have inadvertently omitted?

9. Is there material within the statement that seems inappropriate?

10. Did you gain any insight about me from reading this?

11. Did you notice any typos or other errors?

12. Do you think the statement has in any way distinguished me from other applicants?

Editing Checklist
The following checklist is divided into the basic categories that we used to organize this course: content, structure, and style.

Content

Are you answering the actual question given in the prompt?

Have you been sincere and personal?

Is your essay within the word limit?

Will your reader find the essay interesting?

Are you showing rather than telling?

Does your introduction grab the reader's attention?

Do you explore your experiences in sufficient depth?

Does your essay contain a high level of detail and concrete evidence?

Have you avoided unsubstantiated claims?

Do you offer specific, personal insights rather than trite generalizations and clichés?

Does your essay reveal anything meaningful about your character?

Do you avoid summarizing information that can be found elsewhere on your application?

Will your essay make you stand out?

Does your conclusion leave a lasting impression?

Structure

Can you identify an overarching theme? Have you articulated that theme in the essay?

Does your theme have multiple layers and genuine depth?

Do you have a reason for placing every paragraph where it is?

Do your paragraphs flow smoothly? Are there any gaps or jumps?

Does each point build upon previous points, or does your essay sound like a list?

Have you written insightful transitions and resolutions that highlight your key themes?

Are your stories well integrated into your essay?

Is the essay clear and coherent? Have you strengthened its impact by using the optimal structure?

Style

Have you achieved a simple, straightforward style?

Have you varied your sentence constructions?

Have you avoided unnecessarily fancy vocabulary?

Have you avoided passive voice?

Have you achieved active writing through the use of strong verbs?

Have you avoided overusing adjectives and adverbs?

Is your tone conversational, rather than too casual or too formal?

Have you conveyed confidence, enthusiasm, and passion?