[求助]习作之二 TWE 113 恳请指点

shirley_zhu

113 The government has announced that it plans to build a new university. Some people think that your community is a good place to locate the university. Compare the advantages and the disadvantages of establishing a new university in your community.

After pondering this question on many occasions, I finally reach the opinion that the plan of set up a new university in our community is worth to do and I can not skip it.

First of all, on one could neglect the fact that it will create lots of job openings once the plan starts, such as project management, construction workers, the faculty of the new university and so on. All of these mean chances to people not only those who are unemployed but also who are seeking new challenges. This would be an invaluable contribution to the entire society. If you can see that, you can understand it more deeply.

Community’s growth is another head and chief reason that I have chosen to put here. It is no better illustration that can demonstrate the view. Generally to say, people take into account the living convenience as well as the cultural ambience, when they are looking for their ideal community to live in. The more university the community has, the more attractive it would be. Sequently, with the expansion of the inhabitants, it is surely to speed up our community’s development. Don’t you think this effect above is very persuasive?

In addition, a university in our university will also make it more accessible to people not only who want to have the chance of post-secondary education, but also thoses need to search for some academic materials what ever due to their studies or jobs.

Superior as building a new university is, however, it still has its own demerit. For example, too fast increasing of inhabitants or non-inhabitants’ influx, will probably push us to face the problem of security, which is also a basic problem people concern about. Nevertheless, the merits of the plan carry more weight than its disadvantages. So the conclusion is quite obvious.

To sum up, given reason discussed above, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely reach the conclusion that building a new university is feasible and desirable. In fact, not only do I support to build a new university in our community, but also prefer to build as more universities as possible.

anytime

以下是引用shirley_zhu在2005-4-25 3:13:00的发言：

113 The government has announced that it plans to build a new university. Some people think that your community is a good place to locate the university. Compare the advantages and the disadvantages of establishing a new university in your community.

After pondering this question on many occasions, I finally reach the opinion that the plan of set up a new university in our community is worth to do and I can not skip it.

First of all, on one could neglect the fact that it will create lots of job openings once the plan starts, such as project management, construction workers, the faculty of the new university and so on. All of these mean chances to people not only those who are unemployed but also who are seeking new challenges. This would be an invaluable contribution to the entire society. If you can see that, you can understand it more deeply.

Community’s growth is another head and chief reason that I have chosen to put here. It is no better illustration that can demonstrate the view. Generally to say, people take into account the living convenience as well as the cultural ambience, when they are looking for their ideal community to live in. The more university the community has, the more attractive it would be. Sequently, with the expansion of the inhabitants, it is surely to speed up our community’s development. Don’t you think this effect above is very persuasive?

In addition, a university in our university will also make it more accessible to people not only who want to have the chance of post-secondary education, but also thoses need to search for some academic materials what ever due to their studies or jobs.

Superior as building a new university is, however, it still has its own demerit. For example, too fast increasing of inhabitants or non-inhabitants’ influx, will probably push us to face the problem of security, which is also a basic problem people concern about. Nevertheless, the merits of the plan carry more weight than its disadvantages. So the conclusion is quite obvious.

To sum up, given reason discussed above, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely reach the conclusion that building a new university is feasible and desirable. In fact, not only do I support to build a new university in our community, but also prefer to build as more universities as possible.

欣赏你的开头，简单明了！开门见山

First of all, on one could neglect the fact that it will create lots of job openings once the plan starts(not clearly states what you mean) , such as project management, construction workers, the faculty of the new university and so on. All of these mean chances to people not only those who are unemployed but also who are seeking new challenges. This would be an invaluable contribution to the entire society. If you can see that, you can understand it more deeply.

Superior as building a new university is, however, it still has its own demerit.

这个句子你再好好看看吧，这可是你这段的中心句，不能错的

几点建议：
结构过渡词还是必要的，不管是人工阅卷还是E-rater,这么明显的标志词都能为你的文章带来好运。不过比较欣赏楼主的过渡
语法很关键，尤其在每一段的关键句子，所以还要多加注意
语言：只能多练了

shirley_zhu

万分感谢