twe 100 首次习作，还有不到20天，希望可以考到5。5，请大家多多指点

apple_fly

undefined初试作文，不知道5。5 的作文要达到什么样的水平。请大家多多指教，感激不尽。


twe 100 Some peeple think that governments should spend as much money
as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people
disagree and think that this money should be spent on more basic
needs.Which one of these opinions do you agree with? Use specific
reasons and details to support your answer.

  

How
to apent money wisely is a dilemma to our government for a long time.
Some people hold the idea that money should be spend on developing or
buying computer technology. Others ,however,argue that bucks should be
spend on more basic needs. As far as I am concerned,I would prefer the
latter. In the following discussion I would like to reason and provide
evidence to support my viewpoint.





As everybody knows,environmental pollution is still the most important
issue that have not been resolved fully. Although government and
scientists spend much more dollars and try all kinds of ways to minimum
the pollution of air,water,food and so on. There are still many problem
left. For example,large factories pour their trash unsafely all over
the world. Needless to say a lot of  inedible water which carry poisons
is flowing throw the tube of the factory and finally becomes a part of
rivers.





Another important reason is there are still many people in rural areas
can not get through food and clothes. And the education conditions in
those places are worse either. Take the case of a thing that we often
see many children strolling along the street when they should go to
school at that ages. Eventhough some lucky children get a chance to
accept education,pool classrooms, few teachers and nearly no textbook
is still unneglectible problems in our community.





There are many other problems should be resolverd. I am here to put a
few of them such as building houses for some people who have no place
to live and developing economy for supporting more job chances and so
on.





To be honest, developing computer technology is also a good thing to
our government. But before the basic needs to be supplied I think
considering buying computer is not a wise choice





From what has been discussed above,not only support basic needs can
help people live a good life but also it can improve the development of
economy. So the striking conclusion is obvious.

Veronica_Melody

a bit too short.

Veronica_Melody

especially the conclusion part.

Veronica_Melody

How to apent (spend) money wisely is a dilemma to our government for a long time.Some people hold the idea that money should be spend (spent) on developing or (and, you used and because one leads to another)buying computer technology. Others ,however,(However, others) argue that bucks (money, bucks is used orally) should be spend on more basic needs. As far as I am concerned, I would prefer the latter. In the following discussion I would like to reason and provide evidence (evidences) to support my viewpoint.

As everybody knows, environmental pollution is still the most important issue that have (has) not been resolved fully. Although government and scientists spend much more dollars and try all kinds of ways to minimum (minimize)the pollution of air,water,food and so on. There are still many problem (problems) left. For example,large factories pour their trash unsafely all over the world(??). Needless to say a lot of  inedible water which carry poisons (is poisonous) is flowing throw the tube of the factory and finally (eventually) becomes a part of rivers, (lakes, and oceans).


Another important reason is there are still many people in rural areas can not get through food and clothes. And the education conditions in those places are worse (worse by comparing to what?) either (as well) . Take the case of a thing (thing? Define thing) that we often see many children strolling along the street when they should go to school at that ages. Eventhough (Even though) some lucky children (kids) get a chance (get acess) to accept (receive) education, pool (poor?? Check your spelling) classrooms, few teachers and nearly no textbook is (are) still unneglectible problems in our community.



There are many other problems should be resolverd. I am here to put a few of them such as building houses for some people who have no place to live and developing economy for supporting more job chances and so
on.(too short)


To be honest, (To be honest, sounds more like an oral report instead of an essay) developing computer technology is also a good thing to our government. But before the basic needs to be supplied I think
considering buying computer is not a wise choice


From what has been discussed above,not only support basic needs can
help people live a good life but also it can improve the development of
economy. So the striking conclusion is obvious.(last sentence is redundant)

1. watch out the word choices.

2. some grammatical mistakes

3. the last three paragraphs are not only weak but vague as well.

4. the conclusion paragraph doesn’t re-state your point / opinion on this topic.

Keep writing, and I’m sure that it will be better~~!~~~~

apple_fly

斑竹改的太好了，每一个地方都点到要害。
我现在开始有点感觉了，以后应该怎么写文章。一万个谢谢！

Veronica_Melody

thanks`good`luck`to`you!!!