[求助]TWE129 刚刚完成，请提点！

Irene_yang

TWE129

A university plans to develop a new research center in your country. Some people want a center for business research. Other people want a center for research in agriculture (farming). Which of these two kinds of research centers do you recommend for your country? Use specific reasons in your recommendation.

Although in my country agriculture is still indispensable for such a developing country now, more and more people begin to pay enough attention to business. Take a look around the world, we can easily find that almost all the developed countries have been contributing to their businesses, especially in Europe and North America. So if a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I should say I am a strong proponent of recommending the research in business. I will elaborate my view as follows.

Firstly, the business research center could bring more advanced technology and business ideas to my country. As we all know, social competition is so fierce today, nearly each areas need much more advanced technology than before, as well as business. The business research must bring us some mature or approved technology from other developed countries, then we could expand the exportation to them and attain more communication with them. The past several decades of years’ closed-cloorism has taught us a vivid lecture, which enlightened us to learn more business ideas from around countries.

Furthermore, different agricultures are restricted to different weathers, while business is not confined. It is not necessary for us to take into account of the factors of temperatures or areas when we deal with business. As a semitropical country, if we develop the agriculture research here, we only have the tests with limited sorts of crops unless we utilize the greenhouse to foster the alien plants.

Admittedly, agriculture is still essential in our country, and also is regarded as the sustenance not only for our national people but also for persons in the importation countries. However, the business research is more important in my country, for it is the best way to follow the steps of other developed countries’ economy.

To sum up, as I have mentioned above, we can draw the conclusion easily that developing the business research is certainly such an urgent affair according to the situation of our country. Meanwhile, we could improve our agriculture production to extend the exportation of business, which would increase our GPA efficiently.

dengsida

我不大会改作文， 我必须承认我的作文也不大好，我只是大概改一下， 给个意见而已

Although in my country agriculture is still indispensable for such a developing country now,读着有点累赘 more and more people begin to pay enough 不大对 attention to business. Take a look around the world, we can easily find that almost all the developed countries have been contributing to their businesses, especially in Europe and North America. So if a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I should say I am a strong proponent of recommending the research in business. I will elaborate my view as follows.

Firstly, the business research center could bring more advanced technology and business ideas to my country. As we all know, social competition is so fierce today, that nearly each areas去掉 need much more advanced technology than before, as well as business. The business research must bring us some mature or approved technology from other developed countries, and then we could expand the exportation to them and attain more communication怪怪的 with them. The past several decades of years’去掉closed-cloorism has taught us a vivid lecture, which enlightened us to learn more business ideas from around other会不会好点 countries.

Furthermore, different agricultures are restricted to  是不是by different weathers, while business is not confined. It is not necessary for us to take into account of the factors of temperatures or areas when we deal with business. As a semitropical country, if we develop the agriculture research here, we only have the tests with limited sorts of crops unless we utilize the greenhouse to foster the alien plants.

Admittedly, agriculture is still essential in 是to 吧our country, and also is regarded as the sustenance not only for our national people but also for persons in the importation countries. However, the business research is more important in my country, for it is the best way to follow the steps of other developed countries’ economy.

To sum up, as I have mentioned above, we can easily draw the conclusion that developing the business research is certainly such an urgent affair according to the situation of our country. Meanwhile, we could improve our agriculture production to extend the exportation of business, which would efficiently increase our GPA. 副词放前面会好些吧

Veronica_Melody

Although in my country agriculture is still indispensable for such a developing country now, more and more people begin to pay enough attention to business.(Get straight to your point. Don’t use two countries in one single sentence) Take a look around the world, we can easily find that almost all the developed countries have been contributing to their businesses(business), especially in Europe and North America. So(,) if a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I should say I am a strong proponent of recommending the research in business. I will elaborate my view as follows.

Firstly, the business research center could (may)bring more advanced technology (technologies) and business ideas (innovative ideas??) to my country (you can omit “to my country”) Since you mentioned it like 2 times already in the previous paragraph). As we all know, social competition is so fierce today (generally it’s ‘so…that’) , nearly each areas (area, singular form) need much more advanced technology than before, as well as business. The business research must bring us some mature (usually mature describes a person’s characteristics) or approved technology from other developed countries, then we could expand the exportation to them and attain more communication with them. (This sentence is awkwardly written) The past several decades of years’ closed-cloorism (check your spelling) has taught us a vivid (vivid describes an image, not a lecture) lecture, which enlightened us to learn more business ideas from around (around? You mean surrounding?) countries.

Furthermore, different agricultures are restricted to different weathers, while business is not confined. It is not necessary for us to take into account of the factors (such as) of temperatures or areas when we deal (dealing)with business. As a semitropical country, if we develop the agriculture research here, we only have the tests with limited sorts of crops unless we utilize the greenhouse to foster the alien plants.

Admittedly, agriculture is still essential in our country, and also is regarded as the sustenance not only for our national people but also for persons in the importation countries. (Break up this long sentence) However, the business research is more important in my country, for it is the best way to follow the steps of other developed countries’ economy.(This sentence doesn’t make any sense. Follow the economy? You mean” we should follow the methods that other countries are using??)

To sum up, as I have mentioned above, (same thing, choose one or the other) we can draw the conclusion easily that developing the business research is certainly such an urgent affair according to the situation of (in) our country. Meanwhile, we could improve our agriculture production to extend the exportation of business, which would increase our GPA efficiently.

Irene_yang

谢谢各位，我先仔细琢磨琢磨～～～～～··

Veronica_Melody

good luck!!!!~!

Irene_yang

Although in my country agriculture is still indispensable for such a developing one now, more and more people begin to pay enough attention to business. Take a look around the world, we can easily find that almost all the developed countries have been contributing to their business, especially in Europe and North America. So, if a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I should say I am a strong proponent of recommending the research in business. I will elaborate my view as follows.

Firstly, the business research center may bring more advanced technologies and innovative ideas. As we all know, social competition is very fierce today , nearly each area need much more advanced technology than before, as well as business. The business research must bring us some sophisticated or approved technology from other developed countries, then we could expand the exportation to them and communicate much more with them.  During the past several decades of years, the closed-cloorism has taught us a serious lesson, which enlightened us to learn many useful ideas from other countries surrounding us.

Furthermore, different agricultures are restricted to different weathers, while business is not confined. It is not necessary for us to take into account of the factors such as temperatures or areas, when dealing with business. As a semitropical country, if we develop the agriculture research here, we only have the tests with limited sorts of crops unless we utilize the greenhouse to foster the alien plants.

Admittedly, agriculture is still essential in our country, and also it is regarded as the sustenance, not only for our national people but also for persons in the importation countries. However, the business research is more important in my country, for it is the best way to study the successful experiences from other developed countries.

To sum up, we can draw the conclusion easily that developing the business research is certainly such an urgent affair according to the situation in our country. Meanwhile, we could improve our agriculture production to extend the exportation of business, which would increase our GPA efficiently.

修改了一下下，应该没啥大错误了吧！？...这样的ESSAY能得5分了吗？？

Veronica_Melody

GOOD< GOOD!!!