大虾门 帮忙改改

viczheng

There are some people who consider that 21st century will bring us much pollution, and the other people think that, the development of the science, 21 century will bring us many benefits to upgrade our lives. If I would be asked this issue, I would probably follow latter. Internet, medicine science, and transportation have brought so many benefits from the advanced technology.

 

 

No issue is more important now than the one that refers to computer and internet science. Facts witness an present many examples as below. Today, anytime and anywhere you can check your e-mail online instead of checking your mailbox outdoor; NOW at office you can have your net meeting by computers , not flying to another country to have a face to face meeting; Today in your home you can know what happen from all over the world through the internet or not by reading boring newspapers. Through the internet, the whole world like live in  a village. That is why our earth is called  global world.

 

Medicine science is another head and chief reason that I have chosen to put here. It is no better illustration that can demonstrate the view. Now with the development of medicine, many illnesses can be treated, so the people's lives have been upgraded. We do not to afraid cancer or another disease any more because scientists have been involved in researching advanced treatment to help people get through hard time. The people can enjoy their life happily. If you can see that, you will understand it more deeply

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Eventually, The most important is the transportation. Compare with before, cities are different with 100 or 200 years ago. We can see traffic vehicles anywhere, like, Cars, bus, bicycles, and aircraft. They play the most useful role in our modern lives. People go to work by buses or drive their own cars.  Others travel outside country by plane.  Students go to school by bikes. This great invention let our live become simple and convince than before. 

 

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, which sometimes intertwine t form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely arrive the conclusion that 21^st century bring us advance science to improve our lives. Not only these are created in the  21^st century, we also can find another aspects from our society.

Qzt_1985

只看了前两段，错误听多了，特别是语法，再改改把。

第一段里面bring用的太多，给人罗嗦的感觉

swingshu

Some people believe that (1). Other people hold the opinion that (2). As far as I am concerned, I agree that...

个人感觉LZ可以按上面的这个模板改写一下第一段

tomatohead

Uhm...looks like you have a lot of problems. I couldn't finish revising your essay because your content is too confusing.

1, you have to study vocabularies, as obviously you don't know how to use certain words.

2, you have problem with sentence structure, punctuation, and you tend to make sentences too wordy or make unecessary statements.

I think you need to read more standard essays to see how other students write. You need to study subordinate conjunction, dependent clause, independent clause to understand how to use comma and conjunctions better.

There are some people who consider(consider) that 21st century will bring us much pollution, and the other people(others) think that,(you don't neecd comma) the development of the science, (in)21 century will bring us many benefits to upgrade our lives. If I would be asked this issue, I would probably follow latter(I assertively stand by the later one). Internet, medicine science, and transportation have brought so many benefits from the advanced technology.
   

No issue is more important now than the one that refers to computer and internet science(Nothing is more important than advanced computer science.) Facts witness an present many examples as below(You can actually remove this sentence). Today, anytime and anywhere you can check your e-mail online instead of checking your mailbox outdoor; NOW at(in the) office you can have your net meeting(board meeting) by camera set up with computers , not(instead of) flying to another country to have a face to face meeting; Today(after semicolon you dun need to cap the first letter) in your home you can know what happen from all over the world through the internet or not by reading boring newspapers(by surfing internet at home you can be updated with news from all aroudnd the world while others reading boring newspapers). Through the internet, the whole world like live in  a village(Living with internet, the world is somewhat narrowed down to a village). That is why our earth is called  global world(you don't need this).
   

Medicine science is another head and chief(main) reason that I have chosen to put here(why I put such statement). It is no better illustration that can demonstrate the view(very confusing sentence). Now with the development of medicine(developing medication), many illnesses can be treated, so(so is too informal,use therefore) the(remove) people's lives have been upgraded(cured with higher ratio of success). We do not to afraid(are not afraid of) cancer or another disease(any serious disease) any more because scientists have been involved in researching advanced treatment to help people get through hard time. The people(People) can enjoy their life happily. If you can see that, you will understand it more deeply (remove)

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Eventually, The most important is the transportation. Compare with before, cities are different with 100 or 200 years ago. We can see traffic vehicles anywhere, like, Cars, bus, bicycles, and aircraft. They play the most useful role in our modern lives. People go to work by buses or drive their own cars.  Others travel outside country by plane.  Students go to school by bikes. This great invention let our live become simple and convince than before. 

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, which sometimes intertwine t form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely arrive the conclusion that 21^st century bring us advance science to improve our lives. Not only these are created in the  21^st century, we also can find another aspects from our society.
  

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-4-6 10:44:22编辑过]

seastone

Eventually, The most important is the transportation.  We can see traffic vehicles anywhere that,such as Cars, bus, bicycles, and aircraft, play the most useful role in our modern lives. People go to work by buses ,by cars,by plane ans by bikes. These diverse transportation ways  let our lives become simple and convince now than before. 

我修改的第四段, 望指正!

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-5-4 20:44:55编辑过]