牛人勿喷，自己写的五月寂静坐稳第一篇，求点评！

pengshiqin1991

我过几天要烤鸡了，现在才开始准备作文，听说要准备30分钟写500字！我那了寂静的第一篇作文练练手，发现简直一坨悲剧，30分钟打不完自己的作文，打完了，还只有400字。。。发自己的这篇作文，求牛人看一看，帮我点评点评，我觉得自己作文没有出彩之处，逻辑似乎也有点混乱，求给个思路哈！，另，没有套用模板。。小女子第一次写，写的不好，请手下留情。。

附作文：题目：V1(BY:ayd12338)：政府是否可以have access to citizen's library records and internet records, for the interest of nation security.

There is no denying that it is necessary for governments to take measures to protect national security as much as possible. By doing so, a government, to most degree, inhibit crime from terrorists and protect its country from violation. So, as far as I’m concerned, I totally agree with the argument that governments should spare no effect on protecting their countries by having access to their citizens' library checkout records and Internet activities. There are couples of reasons to name.

The main reason why I support this view is that a recent finding suggests that library and internet is now being a habitat for terrorists getting together to commit a crime. Perhaps it is surprising because Library, a peaceful place for all citizens to appreciate abundant knowledge and develop intelligence, might seem an unlikely place to hunt down terrorists. But in the wake of September 11, authorities learned that some of the al-Qaida hijackers had used library computers to communicate with one another and research the attacks. Therefore, more attention should be paid now by government in the library checkout records in case of terrorists’ attack.

Moreover, the functions of government are to maintain social stability, people’s contentment, and well-being economies. As a guarantee, nation security plays a very important role in countries development. So governments are responsible for preventing nations from terrorists raid. By strikingly censoring the libraries checkout records and internet activities , governments have more efficiency in protecting territorial not be infringed.

Admittedly, we should acknowledge the fact that as a double-edged sword, a strikingly regulation in censor of libraries’ record and internet activities, may sometimes has a negative influence on social well-being. That is to say, such a regulation will led to increasing in cost and time consuming. Because the more strict in regulation is , the more pay governments should offer, and thus they would not only have low efficiency in guard the country but also have raised social instability and people’s fears, which, extremely threaten the society. Accordingly, a moderate regulation is required rather than abuse for authorities to take full advantage of power to shape their countries.

In conclusion, Government should have access to citizen's library records and internet records, for the interest of nation security. However, this censor should be formed at a appropriate way in which would not induce a increasing pressure in cost and time consuming and eventually is efficient to promote social well-being.

pigman007

大致看了一下，个人愚见，LZ第一段提到了totally agree，那么第四段的让步似乎稍显突兀了。

pengshiqin1991

谢谢点评，
的确，开始写的时候是想一边倒来着，但是后来发现自己找不到理由了，混乱之下弄了一个让步，我忘记修改前面的了。顺便问一句，那gmat作文允不允许模棱两可的写法，还是非得一边倒呢？

pigman007

不能叫模棱两可，可以说先正说几点再让步。

当然一边倒也可以