免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］

lavenderws

福利来到～

作为曾经的留学论坛的受惠者，我也深切地知道求学过程中的辛苦。
教书四年多，是时候回报了。
最近空了些，所以在这里开一个贴，免费给大家改一改托福作文吧。

托福，作为一种语言测试，说到底也是 词汇＋语法。
所以除了修改作文外，我还给大家提供一些高质量的语言素材。
如果大家学习得不错，我也给大家布置一些作业。帮助大家循循渐进地提升。

但是老师时间也有限。这里的修改作文都是在正常工作之外劳动。
所以也请同学们也珍惜机会。

我每天挑选1篇作文。
重点修改，1. 文段展开；2. 词汇乱用；3. 中式流水句。4.语法错误。

ps：我之前上传了一个我总结的地道写作语料素材。管理员能出来说一下，为啥给我删了么？
pps: 管理员一直没有回复我。大家可以加公众微信号：evaessay 收听最新素材。

ppps: 最近改了几个同学的作文。发现在论坛上的同学，成绩都还可以。大多卡在20～22分。没有太大语法错误，就是词汇，句型太过简单。不知解题，论证为何物。所以拿着稍微难一点地题目，就容易跑题。这对以后要考sat,gre的影响很大了！
这个时候你们再继续练一下，也只是重复自己已有的内容。提升不大。
所以我决定开一个“托福写作团”，每天分享一点写作素材，再布置适应的题目，大家有针对地学习＋练习。
有感兴趣的同学，请在我的公众微信号：evaessay 上回复我。

imanimaniman

希望楼主可以帮忙批改一下，非常谢谢了。

题目：agree or disagree：In twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.

Being a controversial issue, a great popularity of the number of cars has aroused a great deal of attention in society during the past decades. Some would claims that several decades ago, there will be fewer cars, while some others may suggest that it is impossible for the number of cars to decline. As for me, I side with the latter. Thus essential and persuasive evidences would be provided in the subsequent paragraphs to verify my perspectives.

Firstly, cars bring us convenience and efficiency, which are arduous to be replaced. It is universally acknowledged that the emergence of cars has reversed our lives’ style, and the impact of cars is consistent. In the past, we had to spend a long time on the way to the adjacent city. However, we only spend few minutes getting to the city nearby by automobiles. As a normal transportation, the automobiles are irreplaceable - that is, people get used to go out by driving cars. When they are on a short journey, the first transportation come to their minds would be the automobile. Therefore, the status of cars cannot be replaced.

Secondly, the cars can boost related industries. The development of cars can bloom closely related industries in the society, such as logistics, accessory and car-cosmetics. Those industries will provide the unemployment with thousands of jobs, which will benefit the entirely society. Due to this merit, the government will facilitate the development of the automobiles. Nowadays, a multitude of people makes use of computers to buy stuffs, which acquire abundant of cars in the future. What is more, people under pressure tend to travel a lot, and a short journey with cars seems to be a best choice for the officials. That is why I believe that numbers of cars will increase.

Finally, the increasing population results in massive of cars. In order to solve the problem of aging population, ample governments are taking some effective actions to encourage their citizens to having more children. The development of cars will definitely benefit from the policy. There is no doubt that the population of human beings would be explosive in the future, which attributes to myriads of cars. As I deeply believe, it is only left to have more cars rather than have fewer cars after twenty years. Without the cars, human beings will lose an important transportation in their mundane lives.

By and large, twenty years later, I suppose that the numbers of cars would not decrease. People cannot live without the cars, which is of great significance to our normal lives. According to what I mentioned above, I deeply insists that massive of people will make use of cars than today.

lavenderws

我还在，帖子不要沉哦～

fadeday

楼主，辛苦了， 麻烦在百忙之中抽空修改一下这篇文章，谢谢。
另外，已经关注了楼主微信，素材内容不错。谢谢。

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teaching in the past was a harder job than it is today.

作文如下，自己已经修改过两遍，麻烦查看一下，狠狠批：

Some people think that teaching in the past was a harder job than it is today as multimedia tools assisted and modern teaching tools developed, but I do not agree with this point. My views can be greatly substantiated in the following discussion.

On one aspect, knowledge has been developed in depth and breath than it was in the past. It is widely accepted that technology makes the greatest progress as it comes into the age of Information. To take discipline categories as an example, as it comes to today, the scope of subject not only limited to physics, geology, botany, psychology, sociology and so on, but also divided into more specialized subtitles, such as ethnology, climatology, anthropology, and plate tectonics. To illustrate, we may only learn that how the earth orbit around sun and how the gravity function among planets in the galaxy in the past, while the scope of study have already spread to the intergalactic research about how the cosmos emerged – the bigbang theory, and how the celestial bodies developed after bigbang. For a normal student in the high school in China, the number of compulsive subjects they should take are at least ten or twelve in total, along with the laboratory experiments. All these academic pressure exert a huge burden for teenagers to pass the exam and a great challenge for teachers to tackle, as they should not only be an expert to think over the most appropriate teaching ways, but also be knowledgeable enough in the specific area.
       
On the other aspect, knowledge get obsolete faster than in the past, which challenges more about the teaching methods from the requirement of society. A good example can be found in the statistics published in a famous Chinese scientific journal, knowledge of specific area get obsolete and renewed in about every three or four years, even faster. Compared with the time needed for graduation for a full time undergraduate degree in a university, the averaged time is about four years; for such majors as architect and medical study, it will need five years or more. This means portions of knowledge the student learned is out of date once they graduated. What a cruel reality they have to face, since it is time to take advantages of all knowledge they have learned in school to get a good job after graduation. From the standpoint of employer and requirements from different occupancy in society, teachers should integrate the knowledge in class with experiences in society.

In addition, more distractions emerged, which make the teaching hard to sustain efficiency even with multimedia tools assisted. For example, it is an obvious common truth that each student in high school has a cell phone in pocket anytime and anywhere, even in a elementary school. Furthermore, parents acknowledge the necessity of cell phone as a proper communication tool to take to school. For students, cell phone means more video games, more browsers, more twitters, and more friends on face book and more pop-out news. With the widely popularity of wifi connections, they can scan messages or news in class, leading to serious distractions from teaching, especially for dull teaching method or no interactive teaching. At the same time, we hear many complaints from teachers about the cell phone usage in class. In some cases, teachers become so irritate and annoyed that they dictated students playing cell phone in class to hand in the cell phone immediately, but in the end, teachers have to return cell phone to students after a didactic speech as cell phone is one of personal property for students. This process do not have any effect on edifying students and helping them concentrate in class and thus make the best teaching method in vain.
From what have been discussed, teaching becomes harder nowadays than it was in the past，in the light of more various and abstractive subjects, frequently updated knowledge and different distractions, all of these vigorous situation requires teacher not only to be an expert in the specified area, but also be an master in teaching.

超级西瓜鸭

楼主你好，能麻烦再看一篇吗，谢谢！
agree or disagree it is better for children to choose jobs similar to their parents than to choose jobs very different.

Job selections always play an important role in our lives. A proper job could contribute to a pleasant and high standard life, while an inapt profession could influence a person negatively. In this day and age, whether children should choose jobs similar to their parents' have become a debate. As far as I am concerned, children are suppose to make their own decisions rather than merely follow the course of their parents.

To start with, today children have many more choices on job selections than their parents. With society and technology development, multitude new jobs advent, some of which is unimaginable in the age of their parents. Software developer, online merchant, and rocket engineer, these new jobs are more novel, creative and fascinating, and thus more attractive to children. Although efforts are necessary to acquire the new jobs, conventional careers  require no less diligence to pursue. Therefore,  it is reasonable for children to choose a job which is more innovative.

Further, with economy advancement, children nowadays could concern less about living stress when select jobs. In some developed countries, the government provide abundant welfare for its citizens. Even if without a job, a man could still live a fair life. However, in the past, parents of children could struggle for a job to make a living, which hardly left them with choices in career. As a result, children in the contemporary society could take more consideration into their appetites while not surrender to pressure of survival.

Granted, for children who choose the resemble jobs as their parents, they could acquire specific suggestions and experience about the career. When they are confronted with problems in work, they could tackle them more easily with assistance from parents. However, even the same job could be extremely different from that in the past. For instance, as computer is generally commonly used in today's working, the specific work in bank is totally different. People need to acquire abundant knowledge in computer operation in their daily stuff. Therefore, advice form parents could be outdated and less helpful.

It is no wrong for parents to wish that their children could follow their steps in job selection. However, with reasons mentioned above, I reinforce that, children should decide their jobs independently while not concern too much on their parents' occupations.

cordierite

130412 NA
Do agree or or disagree with the following statement? Workers would be much happier if they are doing different types of tasks doing their workday than doing the same task.

In such a time a full of competition, where people place great value on diverse skills and ability to handle multi-task, many more workers prefer to learn a variety of knowledge through doing different types of tasks rather than doing just one single mission. Doing different kinds of tasks will not only provide the workers with good mood to work, but also equip them with much higher quality prepared for hunting jobs. On this ground, I agree the statement that employees would be more satisfied to do different types of tasks during their work time.

Admittedly, doing single task can make workers more professional. We have already known from the old saying which says practice makes perfect that continue doing one thing will help you master it completely. But think about the disadvantage of doing this. Workers may feel boring about repeating the same work over and over again and end up in tiredness. This kind of tiredness could result in carelessness in their following work and cause serious damage to the company. It will be more sensible if the enterprise could allow their employees to do many different kinds of tasks.

In addition, doing various sorts of tasks can help workers maintain good moods while engaging in their jobs, which will definitely benefit both the employees and the employers. Duties will always become tedious if people continue to do them, especially in the stream-lined factory. Mechanized production process and repetition in body moves will easily drive employees insane. A typical illustration of this could be seen from the Foxconn suicide scandal. The Foxconn suicides occurred at the Foxconn City industrial park in Shenzhen, China. The 18 attempted suicides by Foxconn employees resulted in 14 deaths—the company was the world’s largest contract electronics manufacturer at the time. This terrible case is due to the dull and repeated working routine in Foxconn factory. However, if the workers are allowed to execute diverse tasks they will feel happier and more open-minded. With a broadened horizon they can view the world in different angles, which will in turn make them happier about the work they are dealing with.

Furthermore, another reason for workers’ willingness to do multi-task is that there can be some practical meaning. It is really tough to land jobs in such a fiercely competitive world, and versatility becomes one of the most essential elements for a company to hire new men. Doing different jobs will render the workers with diverse aspects of working experience, and the flexibility they have derived from doing so can be applied to future job hunting practice as well. No one will hesitate to take the offer to do more tasks if they have known there are so many advantages attached to it.

Allowing employees to do different types of tasks instead of focusing on one same task will make them feel satisfied about their jobs and help them gain more confidence. Also, the company itself could be benefited from the improvement of working efficiency. Maybe it is time for industries to adjust their production pattern and let employees choose to do as many kinds of jobs as they can handle.

求批改 谢谢楼主~

超级西瓜鸭

lavenderws 发表于 2015-9-1 08:48
要注意对让步段的反驳。
你的观点是要提意见的。所以，虽然让步段写了：父母不如老师专业；但是还是要拉回 ...

了解了，谢谢！

lavenderws

超级西瓜鸭 发表于 2015-8-31 19:18
对于一个话题想请教一下楼主：当家长发现老师的教育方式有误时，是否应该向老师指出？
我的想法是写应该提 ...

要注意对让步段的反驳。
你的观点是要提意见的。所以，虽然让步段写了：父母不如老师专业；但是还是要拉回你自己的观点，要反驳。
比如，还是要提。等老师来判断～～
比如，提的好处大于不提

超级西瓜鸭

对于一个话题想请教一下楼主：当家长发现老师的教育方式有误时，是否应该向老师指出？
我的想法是写应该提出 第一段讲不提出问题对孩子的成长会有伤害，第二段讲提出时应注意方式方法，含蓄的向老师传达意见，第三段作让步，提出在提出建议前要确认教育方式确实有问题，因为家长很多时候不如老师专业。
最后总结，在确定有问题，并注意提意见方式的情况下，应该提意见。

因为这个话题正反两面都感觉不太好展开，想请教楼主，如果碰到这种情况，像我这样的文章脉络合适吗？谢谢

lavenderws

shayc 发表于 2015-8-29 21:36
题目：A/D the most important things people learn are from their families.

语言还不错。
句型也有在变换
最大问题就是解题目错误，跑题了


仔细读题哦～


欢迎关注我的公众微信号：evaessay. 提供地道的写作素材。



题目：A/D the most important things people learn are from their families.


“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trails life can offer: have courage and be kind.” This is last word from Cinderella’s mother to her lovely daughter. Then Cinderella keeps this principle in her mind through her whole life. Of course, family is an indispensable part in our life. While someone may argue that it is the environment that mostly influences our life. For instance, people live with poverty will be strong and persistent. When it comes to me, perhaps no issue in the world is as important as my family, which shapes my characters and values to make contribution to our society.－－同学跑题了哈。

First of all, it is generally implied that people judge a family through the way the child behaves at the first sight. The better a child performs, the greater impression his or her family will obtain. This is mainly because parents’ osmotic influence children on ethic, habits and characters by accompanying children for most of time. If a child were a blank book, he or she would be what parents draw on it－－这个用真实条件句就可以来 .This point can be best illustrated with the case of my classmates. Tom, whose parents have separated for family violence since he was young, is so sensitive and violent that we hardly communicate with him in afraid of getting a below. Similarly, another classmate, Mary risen up by his mother alone is prone to make boyfriend with man in forties, which is almost the same age as her father’s.

In addition, currently, being responsible-responsibility is a highly desire－词性用错吧;desirable personality in such a fast-developing and increasingly complex world. Everyone prefers to be friends with, to do business with and to marry with a responsible person. However, a sense of responsibility is not a thing can be taught but a tradition passed down from the elder.[这个可以算切题了。] For example, my parents have dealt with family and work in a responsible way－重复的次数太多了吧 since I was a child. Never do they ask for a leave for private affair while working－不错。倒装. Also, instead of relying on nurses, my parents take care of my grandfather by themselves in hospital. I observe their performance and require myself to do the same until it becomes a habit.

Admittedly, schools and society do help us to grow into a complete－well-rounded person. For instance, academic performance is largely dependent on factors such as the teaching method and assignments. But the integrated impact of education and society cannot replace the role that family plays in our life. It is our characters, values and responsibility that determines who we are and what our life purpose is.

At the end of the story, Cinderella finds her own prince. Courage and kindness, the most important personalities for her, are inherited from her mother. Indeed, even we benefit from different social experience, it is our family that turn us into helpful and responsible individuals.



谢谢LZ～～>0<~~~~~~