[写作小分队] 8月26号考试啦

mk314400

今天第一次加入写作小分队，热情高涨的写了下面的文章哈哈。

请各位批评！

26 July「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
To get successful in study or job,which do you think is more important?Having the ability to adapt to changing circumstances or having excellent knowledge about one specific field.
Integrated Writing：
TPO19

INDEPENDENT WRITING

We've heard a lot sayingsabout being successful these day and books with the title "How to beSuccessful" always are the best-sellers. How come this is happening? Thereason is quite simple: everyone wants to be successful, whether in their jobor study. However, some people argue that, in this fast-changing world, havingthe ability to adapt to changing circumstances is more important to getsuccessful, while others sense that having excellent knowledge about onespecific field is more important. From my perspective, I agree with the former.

First of all, new skillsand knowledge are always needed in today's world. There is a famous sayinggoes, "Never stop learning" and it has never been so true like intoday's world. Do you remember ten years ago people listened to music withwalkman? And five years ago people did it with their iPods? And now people doit with their smartphones. That also happens in your study and work: new skillsand knowledge are emerging and you have to be always prepared to adapt to them.

What's more, having theability to adapt to changing circumstances helps you to be more competitive inyour study and job. Nobody can deny the fact that the world is changing so fastthat we will never be able to go through all the information in hand. A decadeago, students went to library to search for books needed for writing paper andnow they all do it on the Internet. Whoever adapts to it first is the mostefficient one. And that is a great foundation for his or her success.

Also, having the abilityto adapt to changing circumstances means having a higher EQ. People say thatsometimes EQ is more important than IQ. Just imagine a mean manager who doesn'tknow how to get along with people and a nice manager who everyone likes. Andthey have equal capability. When they are having dinner with their boss andthey are talking about their kids. The nice manager can see that their bossdoesn't like this topic and adapts to this changing circumstances by stop talking,while the mean manager has no idea what's going on and doesn't stop talking.Who do you think gets promoted afterwards?

I can give so many otherexamples to prove my idea but in one word, having the ability to adapt tochanging circumstances is definitely more important to be successful.

406 words

INTEGRATED WRITING

In the lecture, a buzzertalks about his responses to the reading passage, which he believes to be verymisleading.

The first reason he givesis that buzzers actually tells the truth, while the reading passage states thata buzzer may give incorrect information about the buzzed product and consumersshould be aware of whether a person is a buzzer. The lecturer says that thecompany hires the buzzers because they've used the product and really like it.In that case, what the buzzer tells is highly reliable.

Second, the lecturercounters the idea that consumers believes whatever buzzers say raised in thereading passage by stating the fact that consumers actually ask a number ofquestions just to assure what the buzzers say is real. The lecturer mentionsthat by doing this, consumers learn more about the product.

Third, the lecturer can'tagree with the opinion in the reading passage that buzzing is likely to haveharmful effect on social relationships and thinks people end up being moretrustful with the advent of buzzing. The lecturer mentions the fact that afterconsumers use the product and find it satisfying, they will be grateful for thebuzzers and this enhances their relationship.

204 words

laneesherry

迟来的批改请不要介意！
顺带楼主不要忘了帮我改哦

===========================

蓝色是个人意见及建议
黄色高亮是好词好句

Integrated Writing：
TPO15

The professor disapproves the opinions listed in the reading passage related to preventing the spread of the toads in Australia and mentions the unsuccessful and unwanted ecological damage these approaches may bring about.(这一段只有一句话，句间用and链接，建议改用更加有逻辑的连接，或直接断成两句话。）

The idea of building a national fence maybe effective for matured toads but won't stop the reproduction of young species according to the professor, which contradicts the idea listed in the passage.  The reason lies in the fact that young species and eggs may be carried by waterways, such as rivers orstreams, to the other side of the national fence. （本段的点基本上已经全部抓住）

Moreover, untrained volunteers are likely to destroy the endangered native frogs in Australia. The professor mentions that it is not easy to tell the difference between toads and native frogs,especially when they are young.（本段对阅读部分毫无提及，虽然说阅读部分相对来说没那么重要，但是提及一下还是非常有必要的。）

In addition, apart from the benefits may come along with the utilization of the specially-designed virus, such as the ability to prevent toads from maturing and reproducing, the virus may harm toads in their original habitats in America. The reason is that the virus affecting toads may be transported to other countries with its host and attack native toads there. The suffering of the local ecosystem is one likely andserious consequence.（同样，本段没有对阅读部分有任何的提及。另外，本段也没有指出这些观点来自阅读还是听力。）

整体印象：
听力中该有的点意见全部找到，用词多样，富于变化。
不过感觉楼主有些重听力轻阅读啊……建议去看一下相关分析和范文。


============================

下面附上来自无老师的满分范文：

Thelecturer argues against the three measures mentioned in the reading passage toreduce the population of the cane toad, a species introduced to the Australiancontinent.  

Thelecturer argues that the first measure, a national fence, would not prevent theflow of streams or rivers and, therefore, would allow young toads or toad eggsto travel to the other side of the fence. The reading passage, however, arguesthat such a fence would effectively cut off the Route that animals use toestablish colonies and expand in population.

Regardingthe second measure, recruiting a large group of volunteers, the lecturerexplains that volunteers often have difficulty distinguishing between canetoads and native frogs, an endangered species. Therefore, volunteers might killmembers of both species. The Reading passage gives the opposite view.Organizing a large group of volunteers to join an extermination campaign would speedthe destruction of cane toads.

Finallythe lecturer objects to the third measure—using an infectious virus. She pointsout that a virus intended to eliminate Australia's cane toad population couldbe transmitted through animal transportation to other continents where canetoads are an essential part of the ecosystem. This is indirect contradictionwith the claim in the reading passage that an infectious virus could be developedto stop the reproduction of cane toads without harming other species.  

mk314400

21 Aug
Independent Writing：
父母應該多陪孩子玩遊戲或體育運動，還是陪孩子做和學校學習有關的事情？

I can’t help worrying about the fact that nowadays,people are too obsessed with the performance of their children in school. Eventhough the education is a serious issue in a family with children, even in thewhole society, I'm still in favor of the idea that parents should spend moretime with their children doing sports or game, rather than assisting with theirschool work. From my perspective, it's beneficial for both children and parents.

Perhaps the most direct reason comes from the sadtruth that children today do not know how to play. They do know how to playcomputer games, but what about all these classic games their parents playedwhen they were young. In fact, most of these games, such as run-and-hide,twisted, etc. involve the actions of running and the need of creativity, whichdo far more good to children's physical and mental health than computer gamesdo. If parents can spend more time with their children doing sports or games, theproblems of teenager's short-sightedness and obesity may no longer exist.

Moreover, exercising with their children helpsbuild better relationship than doing schoolwork together. It is not unfair tosay that most children do not like school work. They spend eight hours inschool and from my point of view, it is enough. And playing with parents canabsolutely help children to relax. When I was in my primary school, forinstance, I hated writing. Once I got a C on my writing assignment and it mademe so upset. After realizing what was going on, my dad took me out to fly kite.I remember all the running, thread adjusting on the grass with my dad, which really cheered me up.

In addition, apart from all the benefits forchildren, doing sports or games with children is good for parents' health, aswell. Parents are usually under a lot of pressure: they have the whole familyto support and want their children to be successful in the future. They mayhave no time to exercise, and all they do to relax is watching television.Playing with children, however, can release their stress and build up theirbodies.

In a word, playing games or sports with children helpsboth the parents and children maintain health and release stress and is more rewardingthan doing school work together.

Integrated Writing：
TPO15

The professor disapproves the opinionslisted in the reading passage related to preventing the spread of the toads inAustralia and mentions the unsuccessful and unwanted ecological damage theseapproaches may bring about.

The idea of building a national fence maybe effective for matured toads but won't stop the reproduction of young speciesaccording to the professor, which contradicts the idea listed in thepassage.  The reason lies in the factthat young species and eggs may be carried by waterways, such as rivers orstreams, to the other side of the national fence.

Moreover, untrained volunteers are likelyto destroy the endangered native frogs in Australia. The professor mentionsthat it is not easy to tell the difference between toads and native frogs,especially when they are young.

In addition, apart from the benefits maycome along with the utilization of the specially-designed virus, such as theability to prevent toads from maturing and reproducing, the virus may harmtoads in their original habitats in America. The reason is that the virusaffecting toads may be transported to other countries with its host and attacknative toads there. The suffering of the local ecosystem is one likely andserious consequence.

whom123

mk314400 发表于 2013-8-18 16:53
Aug. 18
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

The professor gave us his opinions about the authenticity of the portrait for sale mentioned in the reading passage. According to the professor, even though the passage did provide us with some connections between the portrait and Jane Austen, he disagreed with the argument raised in the passage that the subject in the portrait was Jane Austen herself.

First, he mentioned that at the time of the publication of Austen's letters, she had been dead for more than 70 years. In that case, the Austen's family never saw Jane themselves and could not identify the subject in the portrait, which contradicts the opinion in the passage that Austen's family clearly recognized the painting as the portrait of Jane Austen.

Second, according to the professor, there was a possibility that the subject in the portrait was one of Austen's relatives, since Jane had a large family and many of her relatives were teenagers at the same time（此处感觉用age更恰当） with Jane. What is more, this possibility was mentioned in some studies. This idea given by the professor opposes the assumption made in the passage that Cassandra's sketch depicted Jane Austen and made that assumption not sound or persuasive.
这段感觉有些细节有遗漏，比如奥斯汀家族中有个另外一个女孩和画中女孩更为相似。

Third, the professor found the evidence proving the portrait was of Jane problematic, by stating that the evidence only looked at the style of the painting. In fact, the professor said that the canvas used by the painting was sold by a businessman who started selling canvases when Jane Austen was no longer a teenager. This fact lay  a solid foundation to oppose the idea in the passage.

总体来说，只是有些小问题，一些小错误；然后有少数细节没有听的很全，其次就是希望结构的用词上是不是稍微和passage不同一点？同样的first，second，third总觉得有点雷同的感觉。

FrancisEvens

When it comes to the debate that whether the opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are of greater importance to younger people than to older people, some people might disagree with that idea simply because they do not approve the thinking of those celebrities. From my perspective, however, the behaviors and philosophy of celebrities do matter more for younger people.

Perhaps the most direct reason comes from the fact that younger people need models and inspiration more than older people do. Even though older people may need encouragement or guidance once in a while, young people are faced with the world, which has never been changing so fast before. The idea might be too abstract, let me raise a convincing example to break down this argument. I used to be a volunteer in Vietnam to help orphans. Despite the fact that they were all in rags, to my astonishment, some of them seemed to be really strong and took care of the rest. Accidentally I found a 17-year-old girl who spoke (can speak) a little (bit) English have a collection of CDs. She told me (that) her favorite artist was Mariah Carey and (that) the song "Hero" helped her get through so many difficulties and taught her to be strong. The strength from celebrities might be invisible, but it does influence people.

Moreover, younger people are more passionate about celebrities. In high school, it is so plain （可以用ordinary或normal) to hear students talking about their "idols". For instance, when I was in my (删去my) high school, I considered myself devoted to rock music and Nirvana was my favorite band (后半句最好也用 I 做主语，毕竟是并列句嘛）. I collected old news report of Kurt Cobain, went to Seattle to visit rock museum and even spent a little time in a rock band as the vocal. I always tried to figure out what was on Kurt's mind and led to his suicide. Nirvana taught to be different and not be intimated to voice my mind. This part of my life might still have a huge influence on me right now, though I'm not as passionate as I was about rock music at that time.

In addition, older people have so much experience in life and know what is right or wrong. On the other hand, most of younger people do not realize what they are chasing. When I was a kid, my parents always offered to give me so much advice about everything and more than once did I find it a little annoying（这里同样是并列句主语的问题）. Until now I realized their advice came from their experience in life and they did not want me to make the same mistakes again. At this point, I am even more grateful to my parents. So is the case with celebrities. Younger people need this kind of opinions to help them understand lives and reach their dreams.

In a word, due to the inexperienced, passionate and innocent characteristics of young people, they need some guidance and suggestions. And celebrities can sometimes be the good models. （这里结尾句建议改一下，题目说的是名人的观点是否对年轻人影响更大，而不是年轻人是否更需要被影响）

楼主语法几乎没有问题，结构也很合理，不过写作时过于主观，出现大量以“I”做逻辑主语的句子。例证也以亲身经历为主。建议不时更换叙述方式，加入些广为人知的例子，使论证更客观。另外可以加强下说理，只用举例论证略单薄。

qingcongll

mk314400 发表于 2013-8-17 19:51
Independent Writing：
School always collect information of the teaching performance of teachers and  ...

Independent Writing：
School always collect information of the teaching performance of teachers and according to it, give teacher who has efficient teaching rewards. So which is more useful: evaluation by students or by other teachers?

When it comes to the debate that who should evaluate a teacher’s performance, some people might agree that the evaluation by their colleagues is more important, since they work together and know each other’s working pattern. From my perspective, however, schools should decide each teacher's rewards based on evaluation submitted by their students. (个人感觉开头模板气重了一些）

Perhaps the most direct reason is that students are the targets of the education（Chinglish）, by which I mean they observe the teachers' performance directly. Students know if they like a certain teacher or not based on their performance. For instance, there is a famous website called "Rate Your Professor" in the United States. At the beginning of each semester, students will check whether the professors of the classes they are going to take have positive feedback from previous students. To be honest, we rate our teachers every time we have lectures in our hearts, so students' opinions are definitely of the greatest significance.（个人感觉例子阐述不够，你要阐述的观点是学生的观点更重要，但是例子貌似没说出这层含义）

Moreover, the purpose of giving lectures is for students to learn. Only the students are aware whether they understand the materials discussed in class. For example, when I was in my senior high school, our English teacher graduated from NYU and spoke excellent English. But after the excitement of having a superior English speaker as our teacher was gone, we found that the teaching method was not for us. He asked us to read a lot, but seldom helped us walk through the materials（？？？Chinglish）. Many of my classmates stopped reading since they understood nothing. It is plain (貌似这词不这么用） to see that even though the teaching method might be advanced, the students decide if it is right for us.

In addition, evaluation made by students can help teachers build up confidence and realize their problems. More than once did I write my comments on the evaluation forms. When I'm grateful for that teachers, I will write my appreciation; when I disagree with a certain teacher's teaching style, I will leave my suggestions. The evaluation form is anonymous, so students always feel free to write what is on their mind. These notes can help teachers to make bigger progress. （个人觉得这段还可以再展开一点）

Because other teachers cannot see the performance of their colleagues in class, their evaluation is not as useful as students'. In a word, students know their teachers in class more than any one else, even teachers themselves, so their evaluation is more valuable. 总的来说，二三段问题不大，第一段稍欠妥，另外模板气有点重。个人观点，欢迎讨论

mk314400

Aug. 18
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older people.

When it comes to the debate that whether the opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are of greater importance to younger people than to older people, some people might disagree with that idea simply because they do not approve the thinking of those celebrities. From my perspective, however, the behaviors and philosophy of celebrities do matter more for younger people.

Perhaps the most direct reason comes from the fact that younger people need models and inspiration more than older people do. Even though older people may need encouragement or guidance once in a while, young people are faced with the world, which has never been changing so fast before. The idea might be too abstract, let me raise a convincing example to break down this argument. I used to be a volunteer in Vietnam to help orphans. Despite the fact that they were all in rags, to my astonishment, some of them seemed to be really strong and took care of the rest. Accidentally I found a 17-year-old girl who spoke a little English have a collection of CDs. She told me her favorite artist was Mariah Carey and the song "Hero" helped her get through so many difficulties and taught her to be strong. The strength from celebrities might be invisible, but it does influence people.

Moreover, younger people are more passionate about celebrities. In high school, it is so plain to hear students talking about their "idols". For instance, when I was in my high school, I considered myself devoted to rock music and Nirvana was my favorite band. I collected old news report of Kurt Cobain, went to Seattle to visit rock museum and even spent a little time in a rock band as the vocal. I always tried to figure out what was on Kurt's mind and led to his suicide. Nirvana taught to be different and not be intimated to voice my mind. This part of my life might still have a huge influence on me right now, though I'm not as passionate as I was about rock music at that time.

In addition, older people have so much experience in life and know what is right or wrong. On the other hand, most of younger people do not realize what they are chasing. When I was a kid, my parents always offered to give me so much advice about everything and more than once did I find it a little annoying. Until now I realized their advice came from their experience in life and they did not want me to make the same mistakes again. At this point, I am even more grateful to my parents. So is the case with celebrities. Younger people need this kind of opinions to help them understand lives and reach their dreams.

In a word, due to the inexperienced, passionate and innocent characteristics of young people, they need some guidance and suggestions. And celebrities can sometimes be the good models.


TPO 14
The professor gave us his opinions about the authenticity of the portrait for sale mentioned in the reading passage. According to the professor, even though the passage did provide us with some connections between the portrait and Jane Austen, he disagreed with the argument raised in the passage that the subject in the portrait was Jane Austen herself.

First, he mentioned that at the time of the publication of Austen's letters, she had been dead for more than 70 years. In that case, the Austen's family never saw Jane themselves and could not identify the subject in the portrait, which contradicts the opinion in the passage that Austen's family clearly recognized the painting as the portrait of Jane Austen.

Second, according to the professor, there was a possibility that the subject in the portrait was one of Austen's relatives, since Jane had a large family and many of her relatives were teenagers at the same time with Jane. What is more, this possibility was mentioned in some studies. This idea given by the professor opposes the assumption made in the passage that Cassandra's sketch depicted Jane Austen and made that assumption not sound or persuasive.

Third, the professor found the evidence proving the portrait was of Jane problematic, by stating that the evidence only looked at the style of the painting. In fact, the professor said that the canvas used by the painting was sold by a businessman who started selling canvases when Jane Austen was no longer a teenager. This fact lay a solid foundation to oppose the idea in the passage.

mk314400

Independent Writing：
School always collect information of the teaching performance of teachers and according to it, give teacher who has efficient teaching rewards. So which is more useful: evaluation by students or by other teachers?

When it comes to the debate that who should evaluate a teacher’s performance, some people might agree that the evaluation by their colleagues is more important, since they work together and know each other’s working pattern. From my perspective, however, schools should decide each teacher's rewards based on evaluation submitted by their students.

Perhaps the most direct reason is that students are the targets of the education, by which I mean they observe the teachers' performance directly. Students know if they like a certain teacher or not based on their performance. For instance, there is a famous website called "Rate Your Professor" in the United States. At the beginning of each semester, students will check whether the professors of the classes they are going to take have positive feedback from previous students. To be honest, we rate our teachers every time we have lectures in our hearts, so students' opinions are definitely of the greatest significance.

Moreover, the purpose of giving lectures is for students to learn. Only the students are aware whether they understand the materials discussed in class. For example, when I was in my senior high school, our English teacher graduated from NYU and spoke excellent English. But after the excitement of having a superior English speaker as our teacher was gone, we found that the teaching method was not for us. He asked us to read a lot, but seldom helped us walk through the materials. Many of my classmates stopped reading since they understood nothing. It is plain to see that even though the teaching method might be advanced, the students decide if it is right for us.

In addition, evaluation made by students can help teachers build up confidence and realize their problems. More than once did I write my comments on the evaluation forms. When I'm grateful for that teachers, I will write my appreciation; when I disagree with a certain teacher's teaching style, I will leave my suggestions. The evaluation form is anonymous, so students always feel free to write what is on their mind. These notes can help teachers to make bigger progress.

Because other teachers cannot see the performance of their colleagues in class, their evaluation is not as useful as students'. In a word, students know their teachers in class more than any one else, even teachers themselves, so their evaluation is more valuable.

晓野的野

啊 亲 你是忘记改我的作文了么？

晓野的野

No one is alone is【改为in】 the world: we have our family【families】 and friends. As we don't have a choice for family, we do for our friends.【如果是想表达尽管不能选择家庭但是可以选择朋友，可以改为Although we cannot choose families, we can choose friends.这样have a choice for感觉有歧义；而且我觉得这句话在这段里面逻辑不连贯】 When we're old enough to leave the shelter provided by our family, we spend more time with our friends. A  food【改为good】 friend listens 【keeps company with you】when you're in sorrow, cares【about you】 when you're in pain, and helps【give a hand to you】 when you're in trouble. So how do we students make new friends? While some people might say 【we can make new firends】by joining a sports team, where they can build up team spirit and make good friends, others find participating in community activities bring【brings】 people sharing the same value together and help【可以改为逗号加which helps，句式多样化些】 them become friends. As for me, traveling is the best way to do so.

First of all, students overcome obstacles during traveling and they become closer afterwards. It is true because anything can happen during traveling: getting lost, wallet stolen, no idea where to go, etc.【这句话，后面的两个只是wallet，idea两个名词呃，不是能发生的什么事情，后面那个可以改为having no idea, 但是前面那个钱包不知道怎么改】 And friends will reach out to figure out the right way to go, borrow【lend】 you some money for emergency, and recommend some places of interest【直接some interesting places】 to go. It【主语应该是人】 definitely feels warm if someone can help especially when you're in totally different places and environment【删去and 后面的】. Just as the old saying goes, a friend in need is a good friend indeed.

Besides, students have so much time to talk during traveling. Whether you're waiting for a bus, on a plan【on an airplane?】, or on the beach, in the hotel【or 要放在最后一个并列处】， you have plenty of time to share everything you want to【差动词】. You may find people who have the same taste as yours in music or someone 【who are】really funny and adorable. You'll never forget the funniest joke Tom told when you were climbing Mt. Fuji in Japan and you will always remember the time when you listen to the music in Julie's iPod and watch the sunset by the Golden Gate Bridge in the United States.【可以考虑把句子分成单独的句子，并列太长】 You'll not even notice how quickly you become friends.

Last but not the least, it's highly possible that people who choose the same destination for their travel will become friends. Assuming France has always been the place you want to visit and when you finally see the Eiffel Tower you become so excited. 【assuming +句子，句子】【主句+when状语从句】【这两个句子并列有问题，都缺主句】There you meet some one who's been as passionate as you about France and 【建议断开成两个句子】believe me, you have a lot to share: how you saved your money for the trip, how you chose your hotel and flight, and even safety tips when traveling in France.

To sum up, the time spent in traveling is memorable and pleasant and also it [it 无指代，直接traveling]is a perfect way to make new friends.  


小建议：
每段间空行，这样正式考试的时候阅卷老师看着会明了些
收尾写的太少了