若若的独立写作贴

zengyuruo

2013.06.18.  Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Scientists should be responsible for the negative effects of their discoveries.
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Scientists are respectful to many of us because they always play an important role in improving our daily life. Even though sometimes their discoveries might be abused or lead some negative effects, in my opinion they should not be responsible for that, as discussed below.

First of all, we can judge the statement on the basis of the intrinsic meaning of scientific researches themselves. A Scientific research is a series of activities, through which people are seeking for better understandings of the unknown outer world around us and our inner souls. As a result, it could be impossible for scientists to determine whether the discoveries will result in positive or negative impacts beforehand, let alone taking charge of them. An apt illustration involves Einstein, who is famous for his efforts in putting forward the theory of relativity. Although the theory of relativity has been used in developing atomic bombs, which have killed many ordinary people, it is not Einstein who should be responsible for this catastrophe. As we all know, Einstein strongly rejected to use the theory of relativity in this way but failed to prevent it.

Secondly, scientific discoveries are actually only the explanations or descriptions of the real world and should not be divided into good or evil. So it is the people or organizations who utilize the fruits rather that the scientists who achieve the fruits that should be responsible for the bad influence of scientific discoveries. For instance, the techniques of clone have been polemical for a long time. But I think there is little dispute about the technique itself and what makes people so upset is the way in which the techniques of clone will be used. I believe that the governments and legislatures ought to play a more important role than scientists in preventing the potential negative effects. Furthermore, if scientists are always worried about the possible problems which their discoveries could arouse, they might have no chance to make any breakthrough in their meaningful researches.

In sum, scientific discoveries as well as the scientists who achieve them are candid. And it is the people who use the scientific discoveries in an evil way that should be responsible for the negative effects. Fortunately, we could prevent the abuse of scientific discoveries by legislations or regulations in our modern society.

zengyuruo

2013.08.12 independent writing
Students get benefit from student organization or club activities 是不是as much as their academic studies.
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I strongly agree with the assertion that student organization or club activities are as important as academic studies for the students. The ultimate aim of education is to help student get necessary preparation for their future life. As a result, some different kind of practice and experience can be equally critical for them.

To begin with, although acquiring theoretical knowledge is essential, too much academic studies can be boring and even harmful for students. For example, if some students only focus on their studies, they would soon become tired and can hardly go deep enough to achieve their final goals. Students are always hurrying and busy, then club activities would play an important role in relaxing and refreshing students. It will definitely help students have a better performance in their academic studies after coming back from club activities.

Furthermore, besides academic studies, there are many other things that would be also beneficial for college students, such as communication skills, teamwork skills and capability to study independently, which could be gained in club activities. Few people might dispute that success could be affected by many factors. For those who want to succeed, they should prepare themselves from many aspects, not only impractical knowledge. One apt illustration is far to seek. I have a friend who is very open and fond of participating in club activities. Even though he majored in EE during his college life, the outstanding interpersonal skills helped him achieve a position of salesman in P&G, which is his dream for a long time. Without various club activities, I think it would take him a longer time to make this shift from an engineer to a salesperson.

Last but not least, club activities will provide students the chance to get to know each other, and discussions with students with different majors can have a very positive influence on one's academic study. Club activities themselves can also give students many new ideas and experience, which could stimulate their imagination and help them find their dreams.

In sum, club activities are as important as academic studies for the students during their college life. Students will get better preparation for their further education and career if they try their best to attend some interesting and educational club activities.

junanita

Noting that students could benefit from the investment in improving the food in the cafeteria on campus, we might approve the university's decision to do this（this指代的应该是investment in improving the food in the cafeteria, 所以这句话的主语要改为这个，前半句话最好改为Noting that investment in improving the quality of food can be beneficial to students, we migh approve... 亲体会一下，这两种说法强调点是不一样的）. However, I would like to take exception when it compares with the university's patronage in some after-class social activities for students. As far as I am concerned, social activities will be more necessary and meaningful, as discussed below.

To begin with, even though high-quality food and educational social activities are both important for students, these two investments do not have the same priority for the university when making decisions.（我觉得比较好的是 在开头就说明分论点：activities更necessary，而不是在第一句说activities和food的优先级不一样，亲的第一句话可以放在分论点后的第一个展开。接下一注释） If the university cannot provide students with some delicious food, some restaurants off campus would definitely invest in this field. However, without the necessary resource which can only be found on campus, such as outstanding students, experienced professors and intensive cultural atmosphere, other business organizations can hardly offer amazing social activities for students. As a result, universities might be the only ones who can invest in preparing interesting social campaigns for students in some situations.（或者在结尾的时候提到Therefore，allocating more money on social activities is necessary这类点明分论点的话，不然亲的第一段就没有对分论点的确切描述）

Furthermore, students would obtain more from beneficial after-class activities than nutrient food. The most essential reason for which students go to university is to study edge-cutting （the cutting edge of sth）knowledge and to make friends, preparing a solid foundation for their further education and career. In this case, social activities, helping students improve their communicational skills and teamwork skills, would provide more nutrient. Not only will students be benefited, the university may also be more attractive for potential top students because of various fascinating social activities they provided.

Last but not least, providing delicious and nutrient food is very simple and can be done whenever university wants to. However, organizing high-quality social activities would be much more difficult. It will take universities a relatively long time to be able to give students many meaningful and attractive social activities. Consequently, when the university has the money, it will be a wiser choice to fund social activities than invest in cafeteria food.(亲这段感觉不太合适，更困难的东西投资它就更wise么？逻辑不通啊～有点凑字的嫌疑)

In sum, for（since） social activities would be more beneficial to students and more necessary for universities to provide, I will strongly recommend that universities should invest in after-class social activities rather than food in cafeteria.
亲，你的文章的总论点是 投资activities可以more beneficial to students and more necessary for universities， 但是你的三个分论点里面只有第一（necessary）二（benefit）个分论点支持了你的总论点，而第三个分论点完全都没有提到投资activities的necessary和benefit，所以第三段很牵强。如果亲觉得字数是个问题的话，可以在每段里面加入事例，不一定非要名人事例啊（T不像G），自己身边的就行，这样论述可以更饱满一些，毕竟大家都不喜欢看干论述对吧~ 哈哈 以上都是纯个人意见哈，要是有疑问的话欢迎咱们继续讨论啊~

zengyuruo

2013.08.11 independent writing
如果學校拿到了一筆錢，improve the food of cafe in school or invest in social activity for students after school.
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Noting that students could benefit from the investment in improving the food in the cafeteria on campus, we might approve the university's decision to do this. However, I would like to take exception when it compares with the university's patronage in some after-class social activities for students. As far as I am concerned, social activities will be more necessary and meaningful, as discussed below.

To begin with, even though high-quality food and educational social activities are both important for students, these two investments do not have the same priority for the university when making decisions. If the university cannot provide students with some delicious food, some restaurants off campus would definitely invest in this field. However, without the necessary resource which can only be found on campus, such as outstanding students, experienced professors and intensive cultural atmosphere, other business organizations can hardly offer amazing social activities for students. As a result, universities might be the only ones who can invest in preparing interesting social campaigns for students in some situations.

Furthermore, students would obtain more from beneficial after-class activities than nutrient food. The most essential reason for which students go to university is to study edge-cutting knowledge and to make friends, preparing a solid foundation for their further education and career. In this case, social activities, helping students improve their communicational skills and teamwork skills, would provide more nutrient. Not only will students be benefited, the university may also be more attractive for potential top students because of various fascinating social activities they provided.

Last but not least, providing delicious and nutrient food is very simple and can be done whenever university wants to. However, organizing high-quality social activities would be much more difficult. It will take universities a relatively long time to be able to give students many meaningful and attractive social activities. Consequently, when the university has the money, it will be a wiser choice to fund social activities than invest in cafeteria food.

In sum, for social activities would be more beneficial to students and more necessary for universities to provide, I will strongly recommend that universities should invest in after-class social activities rather than food in cafeteria.

改变

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-8-8 21:42
2013.08.08 Independent writing
人们不像以前那样尊重长辈了
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In our modern society, the rapid improvement oftechnology is changing our life drastically. As a result, the latest fruits of scientific research or technical developmentbecome more and more crucial to our daily life and we do not have to depend onthe knowledge which is obtained by past experiences that closely like our forefathers(这个说法对么？ 感觉有点chinenglish). For example, in ancientagricultural societies, people cultivated plants in springs and harvested inautumns repeatedly, leading a stable lifefor hundreds of years.(自己总是不会用现代分词，感觉同时形容一个东西的下次自己就ing 不能再用从句了) Respecting ancestors andLearning from their experience would be essential for people because knowledgeabout cultivation needs to be accumulated for generations. However, nowadays， fascinating techniques today can be obsoletetomorrow. Renovation becomes the hub our live andour respect is shifting to those people who have the capability to keep up withthe times. （中心观点明确）先肯定现象 再带出结果

Furthermore, with the societal and culturaldevelopment, weare leading a more independent life and have established a brand new conceptionof the relationship between us and our fathers. For example, in ancientChina, people might think obeisance is equal torespect.But in the civilized society, many of us have been learning from an early ageto communicate with our parents like friends and not always follow theirthoughts. Few people might dispute that critical thinking isimportant for people in the modern society and we ought to build our owncognition of the outer world andthe inner soul. As a result, we should not always obey to ourparents, which is treated as respect in the past. As far as I am concerned, weare still giving our respect to elder people, but in a more equal and properway.   

总体写的很好啊  比我写的好多了

第一段背景-例子-原因-结果

第二段细化了 以中国为例子 从之前怎么obey（obey的表现）到现在

我之前写的时候总是想从why从发 写，感觉这种现象的题 或者说没有什么确定的原因的题 从how上写更好

zengyuruo

2013.08.08 Independent writing
人们不像以前那样尊重长辈了
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今天的题目感觉好难展开，只写了两个展开段。希望一起讨论。。。

In our modern society, the rapid improvement of technology is changing our life drastically. As a result, the latest fruits of scientific research or technical development become more and more crucial to our daily life and we do not have to depend on the knowledge which is obtained by past experiences that closely like our forefathers. For example, in ancient agricultural societies, people cultivated plants in springs and harvested in autumns repeatedly, leading a stable life for hundreds of years. Respecting ancestors and Learning from their experience would be essential for people because knowledge about cultivation needs to be accumulated for generations. However, nowadays fascinating techniques today can be obsolete tomorrow. Renovation becomes the hub our live and our respect is shifting to those people who have the capability to keep up with the times.

Furthermore, with the societal and cultural development, we are leading a more independent life and have established a brand new conception of the relationship between us and our fathers. For example, in ancient China, people might think obeisance is equal to respect. But in the civilized society, many of us have been learning from an early age to communicate with our parents like friends and not always follow their thoughts. Few people might dispute that critical thinking is important for people in the modern society and we ought to build our own cognition of the outer world and the inner soul. As a result, we should not always obey to our parents, which is treated as respect in the past. As far as I am concerned, we are still giving our respect to elder people, but in a more equal and proper way.

jacki1

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-8-6 22:39
thx so much! 你指出的两点确实都是我应该着重加强的。

亲，你的作业是还没有交么？没有找到呢。。。 ...

在这里：）
http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-868381-1-1.html

zengyuruo

jacki1 发表于 2013-8-6 20:46
It might be attempting to agree with the broad assertion that the development of economy (economic d ...

thx so much! 你指出的两点确实都是我应该着重加强的。

亲，你的作业是还没有交么？没有找到呢。。。

jacki1

It might be attempting to agree with the broad assertion that the development of economy (economic development的表达更合适) is essential in solving various social problems, such as unemployment and poverty. However I would like to take exception when it comes to some other important issues, environment pollutions for example. At least we should not always give the economic development higher priority to environment conservation as discussed below. （观点句要简明突出）

At the first place, one of the most important purposes of the economic development is to improve the living of human beings，yet we virtually cannot achieve this goal without sustainable environment(？可持续的环境？). For instance, there are many things（这句表达略显平庸，可以去掉）, including fresh air and clear water, that are essential for us but we cannot acquire them if we only have money.（改成For example, fresh air and clean water, which are essential/indispensable in our daily lives, if polluted , can’t be obtained even if we have abundant dollars.  ）In other words, without proper environment, we could not even exist on this beautiful planet, let alone to enjoy the fruit of prosperous economy.

Furthermore, good environmental conditions are the foundation of the economic development. One apt illustration is not far to seek. My hometown-Lijiang-is a small attractive town in western China and is famous for its beautiful landscape and amazing culture. Most people in Lijiang earn their living by developing tourism, which is based on its natural environment. Can you imagine what will happen if Lijiang is heavily polluted? In that case, I am sure nobody would choose to spend their leisure time in Lijiang and it would be a big problem for local people to develop the economy.（这段举例恰到好处！很好）

Last but not least, if we do not pay enough attention to the environment which is extremely important and necessary for our very existence now, we might pay more for restore（restoring） it in the future. According to a survey, it might take us several years to destroy a piece of forest while we must spend tens or hundreds of years to reestablish it. So why don't we choose to protect our precious resource- the environment- when making effort to improve the economy?

In sum, although economic development is important for us（文中类似这样的 be+adj+for的结构太多，表达应该多样化。还有稳重的句式丰富度也不够）, environment protection might be more critical, especially when we are facing some nasty problems of global warming and water pollution. It would be a better choice for human beings to improve the economy in a sustainable way.（作文题目是To increase economic growth, governments can neglect environment concerns.所以在文章的开头或结尾要点一下题吧，至少文中要出现government这个词我认为）

总的来说，development，organization还算清晰，但是language use的话有欠缺，建议在sentence structure 、word choice、vocabulary加强。最后我把倒数第二段改写了一下：
Lastly, I want to claim that we have to sacrifice huge amount of money and time to rebuild environment severely if the fact that we are damaging the environment still exists. In addition, hard enough are the restoration for governments considering some aspects are incurable with money. According to a survey, it might take decades to reestablish pieces of forest that may be destroyed in several months. So why not the government keep a balance between economy and environment wisely before things get worse?  (水平有限写的不好见谅)
BTW,第一次改写作没经验，多多包涵：）

zengyuruo

2013.08.05 Independent writing
为了经济发展，我们可以忽略环境问题

It might be attempting to agree with the broad assertion that the development of economy is essential in solving various social problems, such as unemployment and poverty. However I would like to take exception when it comes to some other important issues, environment pollutions for example. At least we should not always give the economic development higher priority to environment conservation as discussed below.

At the first place, one of the most important purposes of the economic development is to improve the living of human beings，yet we virtually cannot achieve this goal without sustainable environment. For instance, there are many things, including fresh air and clear water, that are essential for us but we cannot acquire them if we only have money. In other words, without proper environment, we could not even exist on this beautiful planet, let alone to enjoy the fruit of prosperous economy.

Furthermore, good environmental conditions are the foundation of the economic development. One apt illustration is not far to seek. My hometown-Lijiang-is a small attractive town in western China and is famous for its beautiful landscape and amazing culture. Most people in Lijiang earn their living by developing tourism, which is based on its natural environment. Can you imagine what will happen if Lijiang is heavily polluted? In that case, I am sure nobody would choose to spend their leisure time in Lijiang and it would be a big problem for local people to develop the economy.

Last but not least, if we do not pay enough attention to the environment which is extremely important and necessary for our very existence now, we might pay more for restore it in the future. According to a survey, it might take us several years to destroy a piece of forest while we must spend tens or hundreds of years to reestablish it. So why don't we choose to protect our precious resource- the environment- when making effort to improve the economy?

In sum, although economic development is important for us, environment protection might be more critical, especially when we are facing some nasty problems of global warming and water pollution. It would be a better choice for human beings to improve the economy in a sustainable way.