issue 91 求批改

proheart

【新91题】The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Thespeaker insists that technology's primary goal should be to increase ourefficiency which can contribute for us more leisure time. I concede thattechnology has enhanced our efficiency when we deal with our everyday lives.For instance, office automatic systems help the employees of the companies planand coordinate daily work. People choose to do shopping online instead of goingto market which not only avoid the crowd but also save much time. You cancommunicate with your family members or friends through the mobile phone orinternet regardless of when and where you are, and what you only need to do isto put the corresponding equipment in your carry-on bag. Beyond this concession,however, I find the contention of the issue indefensible from both an empiricaland a normative standpoint.

First, the view of thespeaker is too absolute. Is it really correct that the primary goal oftechnology should be to increase people's efficiency?I don't think so. Thereare far more technical researches for the purpose of the pure science, which isa kind of research method guided by curiousness. They have promoted thedevelopment of human being in the basic research field. For instance, Galileo,who is generally regarded as the first truly modern physicist, inventedtelescope and found the law of the falling bodies; Maxwell invented the laws ofelectromagnetism and wrote down the famous Maxwell Equations; Faraday inventedelectric generator. Their contributions have an important significance to thedevelopment of the human being.

The second I want to stateis that technological advancements indeed save lots of time for us, but we arebecoming more and more busy during nowadays life. Though with the using of OA systemwe save amounts of time cost for the firm, we work overtime more frequently; thoughby the way of shopping online, we avoid the crowd and time waste, we loss the enjoymentof the market; though we can communicate immediately with friends and familymembers by mobile phone or internet, we abandon the chance of facing with themand having a cup of coffee together. The pace of life is becoming more and morefast so that we are trapped in various business, both physically and psychically.What is more important is that estrangement is produced not only between humanand human, but also between human and nature.

In my view, the issue'ssuggestion that technology's value lies mainly in the efficiency and let peoplehave more leisure time is indefensible and has been proved wrong by theoverwhelming instances above. It inexactly put leisure ahead of goals such asthe health, safety, education and freedom of the whole human being astechnology's ultimate aims.

proheart

谢谢指正，上午写完就感觉结构很错乱，拆开后把段落结构调整一下就顺畅多了，呵呵
The speaker insists thattechnology's primary goal should be to increase our efficiency which cancontribute for us more leisure time. However, I find the contention of theissue indefensible from both an empirical and a normative standpoint.

The view of the speaker is too absolute. Is it reallycorrect that the primary goal of technology should be to increase people's efficiency? I don't think so. There are far more technicalresearches for the purpose of the pure science, which is a kind of researchmethod guided by curiousness. They have promoted the development of human beingin the basic research field. For instance, Galileo, who is generally regardedas the first truly modern physicist, invented telescope and found the law ofthe falling bodies; Maxwell invented the laws of electromagnetism and wrotedown the famous Maxwell Equations; Faraday invented electric generator. Theircontributions have an important significance to the development of the humanbeing. The purpose of the pure science ultimately provides sufficient power forthe human’s liberty and progress.

I concede that technology has enhanced our efficiencywhen we deal with our everyday lives. For instance, office automatic systemshelp the employees of the companies plan and coordinate daily work. Peoplechoose to do shopping online instead of going to market which not only avoidthe crowd but also save much time. You can even communicate with your familymembers or friends through the mobile phone or internet regardless of when andwhere you are, and what you only need to do is to put the corresponding equipmentin your carry-on bag.

Technological advancements indeed save lots of timefor us, but the real fact is that we are becoming more and more busy duringnowadays life. Though with the using of OA system we save amounts of time costfor the firm, we work overtime more frequently; though by the way of shopping online,we avoid the crowd and time waste, we loss the enjoyment of the market; thoughwe can communicate immediately with friends and family members by mobile phone orinternet, we abandon the chance of facing with them and having a cup of coffeetogether. The pace of life is becoming more and more fast so that we are trappedin various business, both physically and psychically. What is more important isthat estrangement is produced not only between human and human, but alsobetween human and nature.

In my opinion, the issue's suggestion thattechnology's value lies mainly in the efficiency and let people have more leisuretime is indefensible and has been proved wrong by the overwhelming instancesabove. It inexactly put leisure ahead of goals such as the health, safety,education and freedom of the whole human being as technology's ultimate aims.

竹林中人

这篇文章，觉得写的不错，不过建议你的第一段能拆一下，分成两段写，比较好