诚求各位高手狠狠批

lillian馨

作文水平实在次，特别逻辑与结构上的组织上，内容上如何丰富~~~诚求各位高手狠狠批，多多给出意见~~~小女纸在此多谢多谢了

lillian馨

Just as Confucius, the greatest philosopher and educator in the ancient China（黄的是好句）, once commented:” look before you leap（疑惑啊。。。是这样的吗？这翻译过来早呢么看着这么像小盆友写的啊）”. In the light of this noble sage’s guide, I persist that people should, in most cases, think twice.



To begin with, to take action after prudent contemplation can effectively avoid the possible risks. people who do not make decision or act immediately are those who want to acquire more accurate and authentic information, by means of searching the internet or turning to the informative（形容词？）. My friend Jim, a college student, needs an advisor taking the responsibility for his long-term suggestion about his career plan. Although the first advisor he consulted charged less, my friend did not pay the deposit（美国人很直的，你写什么一定要有照应，突兀来个定金有点跳跃，就是not pick him 就好）. The reality proved that Jim’s decision was right. That advisor had made up his mind to change a job and delivered the application letter to another company. He（来来回回都不知道是谁了。写明多好~） was unlikely to provide long-term suggestion for my friend（JIm就是Jim，你这样会让考官觉得又来一个人）. This case is not rare（this kind of cases）, virtually, an action taken later has made many people elude the economic loss.（叙述的时候最好一环扣一环，而且后面的故事好像很不好理解，开始是给suggestion 后来又跳到change a job and delivered the application letter to another company。这俩行为好像关联不紧啊）

Apart from the the first reason, another must be added. Since people are more likely to cherish the thing that costs them a lot of effort, the actions taken after a group of research can ensure that we have the persistence to insist（重复了） on the decision. As a matter of fact, the more effort people have made, the less possible it is that people give up when facing withdifficulties. There are few obstacles that can force me to abandon my determination to go abroad for further study because I have made so much preparation before. If I took action in a hurry, I would have surrendered long before due to the difficult tests and complicated application letters.



Admittedly, it may be true that actions should be taken as soon as possible in some situations, especially when a leader discovers a conflict between co-workers. The harmony, which determines the efficiency, is the most essential part of cooperation. Once the divergence among co-workers exerts pressure on the harmonious atmosphere, the leader has to deal with this problem in a second to stop the further detrimental effect. However, this case is specific and too week to support the idea that patience is not a good strategy. Thus, I insist that before taking action, we should ponder over the problem and be patient.（结尾很好）
还是不错的，但有些表达确实chinglish比较明显我觉得很具体的一个窍门就是多用点which来修饰句子中的名词显长而且显句子组织能力，长短句交替，切忌跳跃思维，你的第一个例子我都看不明白，更何况老美。 加油~~~！

-- by 会员 45573asdasd (2013/1/2 11:56:17)

这是我以前写的，只想着要用好的句子往上摞字数，让你纠结了！我之后把第一个例子给好好改改！

45573asdasd

Just as Confucius, the greatest philosopher and educator in the ancient China（黄的是好句）, once commented:” look before you leap（疑惑啊。。。是这样的吗？这翻译过来早呢么看着这么像小盆友写的啊）”. In the light of this noble sage’s guide, I persist that people should, in most cases, think twice.



To begin with, to take action after prudent contemplation can effectively avoid the possible risks. people who do not make decision or act immediately are those who want to acquire more accurate and authentic information, by means of searching the internet or turning to the informative（形容词？）. My friend Jim, a college student, needs an advisor taking the responsibility for his long-term suggestion about his career plan. Although the first advisor he consulted charged less, my friend did not pay the deposit（美国人很直的，你写什么一定要有照应，突兀来个定金有点跳跃，就是not pick him 就好）. The reality proved that Jim’s decision was right. That advisor had made up his mind to change a job and delivered the application letter to another company. He（来来回回都不知道是谁了。写明多好~） was unlikely to provide long-term suggestion for my friend（JIm就是Jim，你这样会让考官觉得又来一个人）. This case is not rare（this kind of cases）, virtually, an action taken later has made many people elude the economic loss.（叙述的时候最好一环扣一环，而且后面的故事好像很不好理解，开始是给suggestion 后来又跳到change a job and delivered the application letter to another company。这俩行为好像关联不紧啊）

Apart from the the first reason, another must be added. Since people are more likely to cherish the thing that costs them a lot of effort, the actions taken after a group of research can ensure that we have the persistence to insist（重复了） on the decision. As a matter of fact, the more effort people have made, the less possible it is that people give up when facing withdifficulties. There are few obstacles that can force me to abandon my determination to go abroad for further study because I have made so much preparation before. If I took action in a hurry, I would have surrendered long before due to the difficult tests and complicated application letters.



Admittedly, it may be true that actions should be taken as soon as possible in some situations, especially when a leader discovers a conflict between co-workers. The harmony, which determines the efficiency, is the most essential part of cooperation. Once the divergence among co-workers exerts pressure on the harmonious atmosphere, the leader has to deal with this problem in a second to stop the further detrimental effect. However, this case is specific and too week to support the idea that patience is not a good strategy. Thus, I insist that before taking action, we should ponder over the problem and be patient.（结尾很好）
还是不错的，但有些表达确实chinglish比较明显我觉得很具体的一个窍门就是多用点which来修饰句子中的名词显长而且显句子组织能力，长短句交替，切忌跳跃思维，你的第一个例子我都看不明白，更何况老美。 加油~~~！

lillian馨

1.1   这篇貌似已经考过了，曾经写的，也让人看过，跟最近的作文写的不是一个模式。我今天就写别的了。对于这篇asd给我看看需要改进什么，提提宝贵的建议。
Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now rather than later.



Just as Confucius, the greatest philosopher and educator in the ancient China, once commented:” look before you leap”. In the light of this noble sage’s guide, I persist that people should, in most cases, think twice.



To begin with, to take action after prudent contemplation can effectively avoid the possible risk. people who do not make decision or act immediately are those want to acquire more accurate and authentic information, by means of searching the internet or turning to the informative. My friend Jim, a college student, needs an advisor taking the responsibility forhis long-term suggestion about his career plan. Although the first advisor he consulted charged less, my friend did not pay the deposit. The reality proved that Jim’s decision was right. That advisor had made up his mind to change a job and delivered the application letter to another company. He was unlikely to provide long-term suggestion for my friend. This case is not rare, virtually, an action taken later has made many people elude the economic loss.

Apart from the the first reason, another must be added. Since people are more likely to cherish the thing that costs them a lot of effort, the actions taken after a group of research can ensure that we have the persistence to insist on the decision. As a matter of fact, the more effort people have made, the less possible it is that people give up when facing with difficulties. There are few obstacles that can force me to abandon my determination to go abroad for further study because I have made so much preparation before. If I took action in a hurry, I would have surrendered long before due to the difficult tests and complicated application letters.



Admittedly, it may be true that actions should be taken as soon as possible in some situations, especially when a leader discovers a conflict between co-workers. The harmony, which determines the efficiency, is the most essential part of cooperation. Once the divergence among co-workers exerts pressure on the harmonious atmosphere, the leader has to deal with this problem in a second to stop the further detrimental effect. However, this case is specific and too week to support the idea that patience is not a good strategy. Thus, I insist that before taking action, we should ponder over the problem and be patient.

lillian馨

可以的啦，我又发了一篇今天。马上考试了，就找了机经来写了。谢谢了哦

-- by 会员 brace1016 (2013/1/1 13:21:01)

好的，我改好了你的30号发的那篇~~

brace1016

可以的啦，我又发了一篇今天。马上考试了，就找了机经来写了。谢谢了哦

lillian馨

那个啥，我现在都是写机经的作文。所以可能跟你们写的不一样哦。凑合着改改哈。

-- by 会员 brace1016 (2013/1/1 13:06:31)

那我是不是就改你三十号发的那一篇？就只有那一篇还没人改呢~~

brace1016

那个啥，我现在都是写机经的作文。所以可能跟你们写的不一样哦。凑合着改改哈。

lillian馨

12.31
我总是不会总结，所以第二段第三段的最后一句总是写不好，asd给我想想有没有跟没一段内容更合适的总结方式。
Independent Writing: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can learn more from watching television than by reading books.

It is convenient to bring a book with you wherever you go so that you can obtain information whenever you want, isn’t it? Just as everyone enjoys the flexibility of the book, I agree that we may absorb knowledge from the book. However, when considering the speed to acquire news and the comprehension to understand events, I assert that the advantage of television far outweighs that of books.

To begin with, by watching television, people can learn the most instantaneous news, a merit that never belongs to a book. It is universally acknowledged that people nowadays are beset with overwhelming information, such as international military matters, national policies, or even fire disaster nearby. Only when we know these messages as soon as possible can we make a precise and quick response to those urgent affaires. And it is the television that can endow us this kind of requirement rather than the book. I can’t think of a better example than the case of myself. As a stock enthusiasist, I definitely choose to stare at the television screen to learn about the market situation, since all the data are reported immediately. With the most instant data, I can seize the most appropriate opportunity to buy or sell to miximize my profits. You can imagine what a terrible state it would be if I waited a published book to make an investment. Never a person could estimate the trend of stock based on it’s delayed information. Thus, compared with books, televisions can satisfy people’s needs for immediate information.

In addition, television enables us to realize event thoroughly and completely. The reason why I say so is that television can provide us with not only video but also audio accompanying words. Common sense informs us that by watching the pictures and listening to the voices on the television, we can know more about an event. However, in the books, there are only written words. It often requires thousands of letters to describe a scenario, which may be understood immediately as long as we glance at the television screen. Worse still, the books often include the authors’ subjective opinions, thus influencing people’s attitudes towards an issue. Whereas watching the scenario, our own opinions would appear in the mind with nothing disturbing our thoughts. For these reasons, I have no choice to say that we can learn more from television.

It is true that book has its own benefits that a television could not surpass, especially when television is not available to us outside. For example,if we want to experience the pleasure sit in the sunshine on the green lawn to learn something, we can fulfill this goal with the help of a book, not a TV. However, in my experience, most people may not prefer to study on the open area. So I can confidently conclude that people could learn more from TV than by book

bet

12.24  Is it easier to maintain good health than in the past?


The last several decades have witnessed an increasing development of various industries, including transportation. At the same time, the high-velocity society also exerts more tasks on the shoulders of(可改成exerts more pressure on ,exert后通常加抽象n;或者改成imposes heavy burden on) citizens. When considering whether people are more likely to keep healthy now than in the past, from these perspectives, (可删)I have no doubt to hold the idea(可删) that modern society has given us difficulty to maintain good health.

The first reason correlates withthe availability of diverse vehicles in our daily life. It is universally acknowledged that if people have more convenient transportation tools such as bus, cars,(改成buses and cars, 注意复数和and的连接)they, to a great extent, will choose them instead of（改成over）walking or biking to arrive at the destination（可改成commute）. I prefer to take a bus to go to school although my home is twenty minutes’ walk from school. Whereas, forty years ago, the possession of（可删，和后面belong to重复了） cars just belonged to a tiny minority of rich people. Most people had no choice but to walk. 可加连词My father was one of them. It took him one hour to go to school every day. Thus nowadays people have been deprived of the chance to get most ordinary exercise by the presence of advantageous vehicles.后面应该加上exercise 对maintain good health的影响，这样才扣题

In addition, pressure is another factor which can lead people to be in（多余，去掉） a bad physical condition. As we all know, the depressed economic context during recent years has made many people worry about losing jobs. This kind of stress may be positive to deal with immediate problems. However, if people are constantly in nervous state, they may get headaches or other physical symptoms of stress. Over time, their bodies may even develop more permanent conditions(可改成get into some serious problems) like high blood pressure or heart disease. 连词My uncle, a portfolio manager, often has a headache and even cannot（academic writing里尽量不要出现缩写） sleep well because of unaccomplished tasks his company has given him. Therefore, pressure does have adverse effect on people’s health.

Admittedly, we can have more kinds of food now and the fitness centers are all around us, but it is the plentiful food that offers people, especially the kids, the possibility to pick up（可改成become picky eaters）. Astoundingly, some kids only eat fried chicken and chips for 3 meals, a booming phenomenon in china. 此处应该加上这种现象是多么的有害健康。Although the（可删） fitness centers provide people places to exercise, what is worth mentioning is that the expensive costs often make the thought to exercise in the center fade.

To sum up, due to the wide popularity of convenient vehicles and increasing pressure coming from work environment(可删), I can confidently conclude that it is more difficult for citizens to maintain healthy now than previously.


蓝色是我直接加的或者做了微调的词，红色是我的批注。建议可以把一些语句写的简洁一些，而且每段段首句表意可以更开门见山，而且随时要注意呼应题目，避免阅卷者读到一段的段末还需自己提炼本段的中心意思（比如倒数第二段）。这是只是我自己的想法啦，哈哈，你看后咱们可以再交流～
额，，不知道为什么我的格式有点儿混乱，字体也调不大了，不好意思，呼呼