Angelafeng的写作贴~~请多多指教！

angelafeng

今天9.22，Angela加入写作小分队。

之前考过托福，但是写作只有临考前看看机经然后练了几篇，没有系统滴好好练，然后就只能得个22分。
这次10月28日的考试，Angela要好好练写作了，写作应该是提分的而不是拉分的！！

请牛牛多多指教！！！

enough622

都说好作文要字数多，可是我觉得这是相对的？别一味的追求字数多吧。。。。我看范文里面310个字，照样有5分的啊。。。。。

angelafeng

10.2
求批改！【10.2独立】
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.





In modern society, movies and televisions are indispensable parts of daily life. Some people may claim that movies and televisions have more positive effect than negative effect on the way young people behave. Some other people hold the opposite view about that. However in my opinion, to some extends, the advantages of the effect of movies and televisions for behaviors of youngsters out weight the disadvantages.



First and foremost, as the development of society, there are more and more educational programs appearing on our televisions. For example, in my country, there is a television program called Celebrity, which introduces some great celebrities in the history of China and record their legends by watching several old pictures and documents. By learning a lot of good virtues from the ancient celebrities and understanding the valuable traditional culture, our young adults can gain much more knowledge from this program which became increasing prevalent nowadays than that in the textbooks. So from the example above we can easily reason that educational programs in the televisions have some benefits in young people.

Furthermore, with the rapidly development of technology, movies and televisions can broaden our horizon to comprehensive the different culture and events about other countries. Enjoying all kinds of foreign television programs or some foreign movies, youngsters are able to come to visit various places in the world through the movies and the televisions which would help them use diverse angles to see the world and then affect their mind and behaviors. Take me for instance, apart from doing exercise in the outdoor, when I have free time, no matter go to cinemas or just at home, I like watching movies, especially foreign movies. To watch foreign story films such as ForrestGump, The Sound Of Music and Once Upon a Time in America, I could know about the local customs and culture and even some life philosophy. To enjoy such foreign science fiction films as Star Wars, Transformers and Spider-Man, I came to visit a fantastic world and learn a few of knowledge which cannot appear on textbooks.

Admittedly, certain movies and televisions have negative effect on behaviors of young people. Many violent contents, which would harm the mind and behavior of youngsters, may arise in films and television programs. Besides, an increasing number of entertainment programs appear in our sight that would make the youngsters imitate the popular stars and impact the normal study life. If our government and institutes could not supervise the entire movie and television industry well, these movies and televisions would have adverse impact on young people. In consideration of the most movies and television programs have little negative effect, so why not watch as many good films and televisions as we are young?



From what have been discussed above, we can safely draw the conclusion that the positive effect of movies and televisions outstrip the negative effect of that.

angelafeng

9.29
Do you agree with: the friends that you can have fun with is more important than the friends that you can get help from?

It is often said that a friend in need is a friend in deed. When it comes to the topic that whether we should choose people who we can have fun with as our friends or those who can help us when we need them as friends, there will be a lot of discussions. As far as I am concerned, I will make friends with people who can help me, and further illustrate my reasons as follows:

First and foremost, more often than not, those people who can help us when we in difficulties are our real friends. In my point of view, there are a lot of people we can have fun with, but just a few that we can share sorrow with, and I regard these people as my best friends. Taking me for example, when I first prepared for GMAT, the task became so hard for me that I cannot understand the logical chain and even the long sentences. I was rather upset and almost lost heart. My friend Li Yang saw me one day and she inspired me by saying that if I could not overcome this task, how could I survive in the States and make my dream come true. And she suggested that I should make a well-organized plan to divide my goal into several litter parts, which are attractive and attainable. And just like that, I gradually had a faith in conquering this. Since Li Yang helped me surmount the GMAT, we have become best friends. So I think real friend can come to give you a hand when you are in trouble rather than just stand aside.

Furthermore, when we have trouble and need help, a hand from the friend will definitely makes situation better. For example, Yu Minghong, the CEO of New Oriental, and Niu Gensheng, the CEO of Mengniu Dairy, are friends since they were very young. However, Yu set up his company and became successful earlier. When Niu wanted to establish a dairy company Mengniu, Yu actually helped him a lot by providing financial support and giving many constructive suggestions. After some years, Mengniu became the biggest dairy company in China. Every time when Niu talks about Yu, he always says “How lucky I am to have such a friend." From this case, we can see how important friends' help is.

In conclusion, friends are the most valuable treasure in our lives. So it is important for everyone to choose right friends. And based on the reasons above, the real friends are those who can facilities us in proper ways, but not just entertain us.

angelafeng

谢谢iszy的批改
很受用
继续努力

Iszy

9.28
Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past?

Education is one of the key words of our time.（这个不妥，如果翻译过来就是“教育是我们时间的关键词之一”,"our time"一般不表示“我们的时代”的意思，考虑：Education is one of cruicial compositions of the society） With the increasing awareness of the importance of education as well as the growing amount of educational resources, I maintain that people are now easier to become education （educated） than in the past.I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:

First and foremost, as society developed（这里无论是表被动或是过去时，都不太合适，“社会一直在发展”：as the society has been developing) , education becomes a vital factor for countries (become的时态不对，可改为：has already become) who want to promote their international competitiveness. An increasing number of countries are willing to give money to develop their educational institutes. In the past, not all students were able to become educated, but nowadays government fund universities and colleges to make sure almost every student can afford the tuition and get education. Universities also offer teachers excellentconditions to attract more and more intellectuals engaging in educational fields. High quality facilities have been equipped by universities in order to encourage students to improve their practical ability in all kinds of scientific researches. Consequently, in modern society, education has become easier accessible.

Furthermore, with the development of technology, one of the most important inventions--Internet has greatly changed our life, especially the education. Various open courses and learning materials available on the Internet that people obtain knowledge easier than before. As a university student, I can benefit a lot form the online education. For instance, when I prepared for the new TOEFL, I took an online course on the website of New Oriental, a famous educational institution in China. Taking this course, I need not to go to the institution but rather watch the radio （video?) of the course online whenever and wherever I want. Therefore, in my opinion, people have more opportunities to be educated today than in the past.

What is more, nowadays the awareness of education has also been dramatically increased on account of a good education background is beneficial to all of us ("on account of "后不接句子，只接名词或名词性短语；可改为：on account  of a good education background which is beneficial to all of us) . A man without an education, many of us believe( widely considered), is an unfortunate victim of adverse circumstances(这句好像不太合适，没有接受教育有很多因素，不一定是不利环境的受害者）, deprived of one of the greatest twentieth-century opportunities（觉得有点怪怪滴~）. Under a heavy influence of the global economic crisis, unemployment rate has been significantly increased. Most people may notice that it is very hard to find a good job. But, a person with a master degree or doctoral degree may have much more opportunities than that person with bachelor’s degree to get an ideal job. So, the fierce competition in today’s world serves as a motivation to encourage people to receive better education.

Of course,（Admittedly, of course 貌似没有让步的意思) I do not deny that people in the past focused more on study than us because they barely have(拥有） things distract （to distract) their attention, such as playing computer games or chatting online. However, most of students who want to get better grades can restrain themselves （这句似乎没有很支撑你想要表达的意思）. So, in summary, with the development of society and technology as well as increasing awareness of education, people surely get education easier than people （who，不然就重复了） in the past.

总结：
1、整体读完后，对分论点的印象有，但有点模糊，可能2点原因
（1）段首句问题。尤其是第一个分论点，貌似真正的分论点句在第二句，这会影响考官对关键信息的获取。
      最好，能在段首句的前半部分出中心。
（2）例子有点散，感觉每部分都举了几个例子，但没有特别具体的。

2、让步段的反驳可以更好

3、有一些小地方表述时可以更好

4、结构还是不错的，看得出来，楼主很勤奋，写作水平一直在提高中~~~~一起加油吧！

angelafeng

今天写每个句子都有推敲，力求摒弃掉口语式的英语，但是真的花了好长时间。。。

9.28
Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past?

Education is one of the key words of our time. With the increasing awareness of the importance of education as well as the growing amount of educational resources, I maintain that people are now easier to become education than in the past.I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:

First and foremost, as society developed, education becomes a vital factor for countries who want to promote their international competitiveness. An increasing number of countries are willing to give money to develop their educational institutes. In the past, not all students were able to become educated, but nowadays government fund universities and colleges to make sure almost every student can afford the tuition and get education. Universities also offer teachers excellent conditions to attract more and more intellectuals engaging in educational fields. High quality facilities have been equipped by universities in order to encourage students to improve their practical ability in all kinds of scientific researches. Consequently, in modern society, education has become easier accessible.

Furthermore, with the development of technology, one of the most important inventions--Internet has greatly changed our life, especially the education. Various open courses and learning materials available on the Internet that people obtain knowledge easier than before. As a university student, I can benefit a lot form the online education. For instance, when I prepared for the new TOEFL, I took an online course on the website of New Oriental, a famous educational institution in China. Taking this course, I need not to go to the institution but rather watch the radio of the course online whenever and wherever I want. Therefore, in my opinion, people have more opportunities to be educated today than in the past.

What is more, nowadays the awareness of education has also been dramatically increased on account of a good education background is beneficial to all of us. A man without an education, many of us believe, is an unfortunate victim of adverse circumstances, deprived of one of the greatest twentieth-century opportunities. Under a heavy influence of the global economic crisis, unemployment rate has been significantly increased. Most people may notice that it is very hard to find a good job. But, a person with a master degree or doctoral degree may have much more opportunities than that person with bachelor’s degree to get an ideal job. So, the fierce competition in today’s world serves as a motivation to encourage people to receive better education.

Of course, I do not deny that people in the past focused more on study than us because they barely have things distract their attention, such as playing computer games or chatting online. However, most of students who want to get better grades can restrain themselves. So, in summary, with the development of society and technology as well as increasing awareness of education, people surely get education easier than people in the past.

angelafeng

额。。。。。不过还是谢谢你的批改，继续努力

有几个地方要说明一下：
1）Being（LS认为用as比being更好，但我认为as这种说法太普遍反而不好，而且我这个句子是学习的新东方的例句） a highly motivated person, I have confidence in my ability to make my dream come true.

2）What is more, high salary jobs usually accompanys（这里主语是jobs，LS你认为应该用单数动词accompanys 吗）with higher(LS还认为压力大应该用great而不是high，我专门查过字典压力大确实应该用high） work pressure and more challenging difficulties than those of lower salary jobs.

例如：
Youhearmoreaboutpeopletakingearlyretirement or giving uphigh pressurejobs in favour ofoccupations with shorterworking hours.

你比过去更常听到人们谈论早早退休，谈论放弃压力大的工作去从事工作时间短的工作。
3）But, it is no doubt（LS还认为没有it is no doubt的用法，你没见过的不意味着就没有，字典里也确实有这个用法) that this kind of jobs can offer me great opportunities to learn much more professional knowledge and valuable experience.

例如："It is no doubtthatDaw Aung San Suu Kyi has committed a cover up of thetruth in her failure toreportanillegalimmigranttothe authorities concerned," said Aye Myint
他说：“毫无疑问，昂山素季女士没有向有关当局报告一名非法移民的情况，试图掩盖事实真相。


这几个地方LS搞错了，其他LS指出的的一些错误我都接受。

bonnenuit

There is a general debate nowadays about the problem of chose（choosing) a job. Some people may choose a job that has high salaries but requires employees to leave their family and friends. Other people may choose the opposite choice that a job has fewer salaries but allows staying with family and friend. As far as I am concerned, however, I would rather choose a job that can give me high salary, even if I would leave my family and my friends. I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:




First and foremost reason is that high salary job can offer me a better life. Now I am a poor student. I need to pay for my tuition which is very high. I also have to pay for the rental of the rooms, the transportation fees, the books, the clothes and even the meals. All these seem to be a heavy burden to me. And I really want to make efforts to give my family a (a去掉，life 指生活的话是不可数）high quality life. I always have a dream is（is前面加that,或者去掉is） to buy a huge house with garden and swimming pool and to buy an expensive car. Being（being 换as更好） a highly motivated person, I have confidence in my ability to make my dream come true. So, I have to look for a job that can offer me a high salary.



Furthermore, my family and friend hope me have a bright future. As long as I can realize the value of life, they do not mind （that)my work location will (be)far away from them. As the development of transportation and information science technology, the distance between people is greatly less than before. We can use e-mail, the innovative way of writing because of the Internet, to send letters to our friends and family for communicating our feelings with each other and showing the support, understanding and love. So much miss (从从未见过miss表示思念的时候是可以作名词的，真是长见识了！）with each other that we want to have a good time with my relatives or my friends. Aircraft can take us go back to our hometown to get together with them. Therefore, distance is not a problem.



What is more, high salary jobs usually accompanys with higher(压力大不能用high，要有great） work pressure and more challenged（challenging） work（work就不要了吧，前面那个也是） difficulties than those of lower salary jobs. But, it is no doubt（有it is no doubt的吗！！！是there is no doubt!!!!) that this kind of jobs can offer me great opportunities to learn much more professional knowledge and valuable work(这个也撤了吧） experience. For example, government officers have jobs that they can easy（easily） handle, whereas IT specialists always have so much tough works to do every day. As you know（（as you know还是as we all know), IT specialists get salaries highly higher than those of government officers. The one significant factor is that IT specialists should under much more stress than government officers(do). As the saying goes, “no pain, no gain”.



In conclusion, choose a job that has a high salary can give people not only a high quality life but also the chance to embrace the bright future. Only if you really care about your family and friends, they will always support you to complete your value of life.


不想打击LZ
LZ即使字数写了1000 这样的作文也上不了20分
语法错误太多 句式太简单 太口语化
还有很多方面有待提高啊！！加油！！多背单词  词组 多看看语法是你目前要做的！！！

angelafeng

今天进步到510啦，尊高兴~~

9.26
Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend. Which do you like

There is a general debate nowadays about the problem of chose a job. Some people may choose a job that has high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Other people may choose the opposite choice that a job has fewer salaries but allow staying with family and friend. As far as I am concerned, however, I would rather choose a job that can give me high salary, even if I would leave my family and my friends. I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:

First and foremost reason is that high salary job can offer me a better life. Now I am a poor student. I need to pay for my tuition which is very high. I also have to pay for the rental of the rooms, the transportation fees, the books, the clothes and even the meals. All these seem to be a heavy burden to me. And I really want to make efforts to give my family a high quality life. I always have a dream is to buy a huge house with garden and swimming pool and to buy an expensive car. Being a highly motivated person, I have confidence in my ability to make my dream come true. So, I have to look for a job that can offer me a high salary.



Furthermore, my family and friend hope me have a bright future. As long as I can realize the value of life, they do not mind my work location will far away from them. As the development of transportation and information science technology, the distance between people is greatly less than before. We can use e-mail, the innovative way of writing letters because of the Internet, to send letters to our friends and family for communicating our feelings with each other and showing the support, understanding and love. So much miss with each other that we want to have a good time with my relatives or my friends. Aircraft can take us go back to our hometown to get together with them. Therefore, distance is not a problem.



What is more, high salary jobs usually accompany with higher work pressure and more challenged work difficulties than those of lower salary jobs. But, it is no doubt that this kind of jobs can offer me great opportunities to learn much more professional knowledge and valuable work experience. For example, government officers have jobs that they can easy handle, whereas IT specialists always have so much tough works to do every day. As you know, IT specialists get salaries highly higher than those of government officers. The one significant factor is that IT specialists should under much more stress than government officers. As the saying goes, “no pain, no gain”.



In conclusion, choose a job that has a high salary can give people not only a high quality life but also the chance to embrace the bright future. Only if you really care about your family and friends, they will always support you to complete your value of life.