写作小分队第三期 今天新人加入 为9.23 而战 基础差 求猛拍

hdf1990

刚才前缀没有选 重发 今天开始加入小分队  找到队伍 找到方向了 作文不能在十几分了！！！！！求监督 求拍砖

hdf1990

非常感谢

临窗听雨

9.6独立作文
红色改正，黄色好词好句 绿色一点小建议

Today，there are numerous important problems affectingour society such as environmental problem, social insurance problem, and povertyproblem.  Some people think that the most important problems affecting oursociety could be solved within our lifetime. I disagree with what they think,since the poverty problem and environmental problem that have a substantial impact on oursociety could not be solved within our lifetime.

First of all, the poverty problem, a long-standing societalproblem, will continue to exist and not be solved within our lifetime. So manyold books that have existed for hundreds of years have mentioned that thegovernment usually fed the poor and needy. However, the poverty problem couldnot be solved, and the government had to store more food-stored stations inorder to prevent the poor from starving to death. Unfortunately, it did not work. Today, when I walkalong the street, there are still lots of people begging for money or food,although our government has set many programs dealing with the problems.
贫困问题是一个很好的例子，但是呢，你过于强调贫困问题不能解决，却没有说明不能解决的原因。我觉得，你可以将这一段好好修改一下，比如可以这样：1.指出贫困问题没有办法解决。2.说明原因，比如尽管政府并没有意识到贫困问题的严重性，没有采取相应的有效措施。或者，政府仍将重心放在经济增长上，导致贫富差距越来越大。3.由于同样的原因，其他的一些问题，例如视频安全，也没有办法解决。这样会不会更好一些呢？

Another most important problem that today oursociety has to face is the environmental problem, which will be more serious inthe future, I think, let alone solvedwithin our lifetime. Global warming is one of the most serious problems facingour society. For some developed countries, such as America, Japan, theirrelease of greenhouse gases has reached the most dangerous level. Moreover, forsome developing countries, such as China, Brazil, for their economic growth isso rapidly that they failto take into account the release of greenhouse gases and otherenvironmental problems. Consequently, the environmental problems cannot besolved within our lifetime and will continue to be serious.
Let alone（更不用说）它的前后句肯定是递进的关系，比如他连站都不会，更别说跑了。我觉得文章里用的地方有点奇怪。
同样的，希望你指出环境问题无法解决的原因，如第二段一样。

Apart from the two major problems, there are somany other important other problems that our society is facing, which are notsolved. Therefore, the thought of solving them in our lifetime is toounrealistic.
总的来说，你的语言是没有问题的，我觉得要是稍微修改一下说理的思路，就更好了。
We should not settle for good ifwe can do better with a little effort.

hdf1990

9.6 独立作文
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems affecting our society today could be solved within our lifetime.

Today，there are numerous important problems affecting our society such as environment problem, social insurance problem, poverty problem.  Some people think that the most important problems affecting our society could be solved within our lifetime. I disagree with what they think, since the poverty problem and environmental problem that have a substantial impact on our society could not be solved within our lifetime.

First of all, the poverty problem, a long-standing societal problem, will continue to exist and not be solved within our lifetime. So many old books that have existed for hundreds of years have mentioned that the government usually fed the poor and needy. However, the poverty problem could not be solved, and the government had to store more food-stored stations in order to prevent the poor from starving to death. Unfortunately, it did not work. Today, when I walk along the street, there are still lots of people begging for money or food, although our government has set many programs dealing with the problems.

Another most important problem that today our society has to face is the environmental problem, which will be more serious in the future, I think, let alone solved within our lifetime. Global warming is one of the most serious problems facing our society. For some developed countries, such as America, Japan, their release of greenhouse gases has reached the most dangerous level. Moreover, for some developing countries, such as China, Brazil, for their economic growth is so rapidly that they fail to take into account the release of greenhouse gases and other environmental problems. Consequently, the environmental problems cannot be solved within our lifetime and will continue to be serious.

Apart from the two major problems, there are so many other important other problems that our society is facing, which are not solved. Therefore, the thought of solving them in our lifetime is too unrealistic.

hdf1990

relationship（between  A and B ）  and  belongingness  are  。。。。。。。。。是这个结构 嘿嘿

Yeeisstrong

第一篇9.4独立写作


Some people believe that an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he is in part of a decision making. I agree. Since an efficient leader must be responsible for his company. The relationship between the leader and other employees and the belongingness of the employees are two crucial factors for a successful company.(我记得Between只能用于两者之间吧三者用among吧) Therefore, an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he is in part of a decision making.

Firstly, by trying to make others feel that they take part in decision making can promote the relationship between the leader and group members. Because if an efficient leader can listen carefully to his group members’ ideas and adopt their advice that is beneficial to the group, the group members will feel respected and have a sense of achievement. In this case, the work will be done much easier，because the group that the leader leads can work more cooperatively. Take the case of my own experience; I am working as a departent（department） minister in our college’s Students Union. There is once time when my team and I were planning a new item. I accepted one of my team members’ creative ideas, then they become more active and we worked within a good atomsphere（atmosphere）（这句话我觉得逻辑有点问题，其中they可以换成we）.

Secondly, it can increase the belongingness of the group if members feel involved them in the decision making. There is no doubt that people doing their own things much more careful than doing other people’s things. For instance, Tom, a friend of mine, working in a company that develops some APPs for users of iphone, told me that his leader always let him participate the most core item, and he feel that he belongs the company and has more energy to work for his leader.

In conclusion, an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he is in part of a decision making in order that the company can succeed.



我觉得总体观点清晰，例子也不错，可能需要看看老美185，我也在看呢。我也是菜鸟一枚，写得句子也都是短句，写了长句连国人都看不懂，更别说老外了。我水平有限啊，希望有超能力写作水平突飞猛进~~

jijismile

我也很差，主要是好多年都没有学过英语了，语法什么的完全不行，一起努力吧！~  还有就是如果一个man 多大的勇气敢用jijismile当id使啊！~呵呵

hdf1990

原来如此啊   我基础很差的 之前复习一段时间GMAT 好好看了看语法  对阅读写作还是有帮助的

jijismile

哦，那是我女朋友的 她在rice university，我现在也准备考试，就先用她的ID了  
我看到你给我改评的作文了，呵呵，我还真没学过gmat啊

hdf1990

你之前发的帖子啊 说拿到offer了