【写作小分队】killT的作文贴~跪求拍砖！

killT

5.25 Independent writing
2010.11.13 NA  -  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: To improve the quality of university education we should spend more money on the salaries of university professors.

With the developing of modern society, knowledge has been elevated to an unprecedented height. On the other hand, teachers' salaries are still relatively low. University professors' salaries should get more money as reward, which can help universities provide a better education and the reasons are following.

First, with higher salaries, professors can devote themselves more to teaching. It is almost impossible for professors to teach well if they have to scrimp and save, calculating how much they spend all day, to buy their children milk powder that is good and safe. However, as a matter fact, some teachers and professors in the university nevertheless find it hard to afford their house loan. They take part-time jobs to sustain a living and run about day and night. If they are less distracted from financial problems. Professors can spend more time designing their lecture PPT and polishing their delivery. Then students will benefit.

Second, there are professors without strict moral principles take their projects fund as an income source. In China, the laws are not perfect. However, the importance of teachers lays not only on passing knowledge but also on their role-model effects. Even if only a handful of professors failed to discipline themselves they will have subtle influence on their students. When their students stepping into the society, they tend to do the same thing.

Finally, raising professors salaries can show our society's respect for knowledge. In this economic society, money becomes an important measure of people's value. So providing more money to professors can give them higher social status, thus knowledge they stand for.  Can you imagine what it will be like if pursuing knowledge becomes the trend in a society? All students are motivated to learn and there's no doubt the education quality will improve.

Teachers are often compared to candles. They burn themselves and light up their students' road to knowledge. Consistently giving out their light, professors in universities deserve more financial income.

killT

提到例子里的内容要用过去时态！！

提到例子里的内容要用过去时态！！

The lecture talks about a company(company’s policy of)using groups to finish tasks. And the result contradicts the advantages of team work referred in the reading passage.

First, team members of the company dido not get their deserved recognizition(recognition). Some of them just tookake a free ride and dido nothing（这点听得很好~）, but they couldan still share the success of the team. Those real contributors, however, remained no-name heroes and are weretotally unnoticed. This directlycontradict （conflicts） with the reading which says they will feel better and be recognized.

Second, the reading passage points out that the project groupdoesn't(这里是听错了吧？应该是肯定的) (的确混乱了…)make eitherboth quick response orand creative solution（这里事两个分论点，一个是A group can work more quickly in response to the task assigned to it，另一个是Sometimes these creative solutions come about，建议分开写  我觉得这里 not quick&quick influencier&influencers block ideas是粘在一起的..不如一起说了）. But in the professor's example, things turned out differently. Sometimes, it takestooka long time to reach consensus. Other times, quick responses were made at the cost of ideas that were different from team influencers.Tthose influential people totally decided where the team goes wentand other opinions arewere not well-considered and then a poor decision iswas made.

Finally, everyone in the group is blamed for the failure of the project. This is not the case talked in the reading in which spread responsibility makes no individual accountable.

killT

啊..下次用紫色标出改的地方..
5.25 Independent writing - revised 2

With the development of modern society, knowledge has been elevated to an unprecedented height. On the other hand, teachers' salaries are still relatively low. University professors should get more money as reward, which can help universities provide a better education. The main reasons are following.

First, with higher salaries, professors can devote themselves more to teaching. It is almost impossible for professors to teach well if they have to scrimpto buy their children milk powder. As a matter of fact, some teachers and professors in the university do find it hard to afford their house loan. They take part-time jobs to sustain a living and run about day and night. Only if professors are less distracted from financial problems, they can spend more time designing their lecture PPT and polishing their delivery. Then students will benefit.

Second, raising professors salaries can show our society's respect for knowledge. In this economic society, money becomes an important measure of people's value. So paying professors more money can makepeople esteem those teachers and researchers more.Thus, a higher social status is given to knowledge which professors emblem. Can you imagine what it will be like if pursuing knowledge becomes a trend in a society? All students are motivated to learn and there is no doubt the overall education quality will improve.

Last but not the least, the importance of teachers also liesin their role-model effect. In China, relevant laws are far from perfect and there are professors without strict moral principles takingtheir projects’ fund as an income source. Subtle influence will be exerted on their students by professors who fail to discipline themselves. When their students stepinto society, theymay be inclined to do the same thing,that is, …….

Teachers are often compared to candles. They burn themselves and light up their students' road to knowledge.Consistently giving out their light, professors in universities deserve more financial income.

婷婷connie

http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-681022-21-1.html#last
25的独立+综合写完了，欢迎批改~~

婷婷connie

不好意思，我是婷婷，前两天一直都没时间，今天改完贴这，求原谅啊~~~
5.25 integrated writing 综合改文
TPO2
红色错误，蓝色疑问，黄色高亮~

The lecture talks about a company(company’s policy of) using groups to finish tasks. And the result contradicts the advantages of team work referred in the reading passage.

First, team members of the company do not get their deserved recognizition(recognition). Some of them just take a free ride and do nothing（这点听得很好~）, but they can still share the success of the team. Those real contributors, however, remain no-name heroes and are totally unnoticed. This directly contradict （conflicts） with the reading which says they will feel better and be recognized.

Second, the reading passage points out that the project groupdoesn't(这里是听错了吧？应该是肯定的) make either quick response or creative solution（这里事两个分论点，一个是A group can work more quickly in response to the task assigned to it
，另一个是Sometimes these creative solutions come about，建议分开写）. But in the professor's example, things turn out differently. Sometimes, it takes a long time to reach consensus. Other times, those influential people totally decide where the team goes and other opinions are not well-considered and then a poor decision is made.

Finally, everyone in the group is blamed for the failure of the project. This is not the case talked in the reading in which spread responsibility makes no individual accountable.


建议加一个结尾哦~

婷婷也感觉这篇文章有点乱，有两个点是一起说的，纠结……

模板用的不错，听力细节都有，通常是写成三点，把第三段分一下吧，感觉最后一段应该和influential people合在一起

晚来的5.25 独立改文~
5.25 Independent writing - revised 1
2010.11.13 NA - Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: To improve the quality of university education we should spend more money on the salaries of university professors.


With the developing（development） of modern society, knowledge has been elevated to an unprecedented height. On the other hand, teachers' salaries are still relatively low. University professors should get more money as reward, which can help universities provide a better education. The main reasons are following.

First, with higher salaries, professors can devote themselves more to teaching. It is almost impossible for professors to teach well if they have to scrimp and save(同一个意思，留一个就行), calculating how much they spend all day, to buy their children milk powder that is good and safe（这两句连接怪怪的，是在哪见过这种用法吗？）. [L1]As a matter of fact, some teachers and professors in the university do find it hard to afford their house loan. They take part-time jobs to sustain a living and run about day and night.（这一句用only 态度更强烈）If professors are less distracted from financial problems,[2] they can spend more time designing their lecture PPT and polishing their delivery. Then students will benefit.

Second, raising professors salaries can show our society's respect（esteem） for knowledge. In this economic society, money becomes an important measure of people's value. So providing(删掉) more money to professors can give higher social status to them, thus knowledge professors stand for（不明白？）[L8]. Can you imagine what it will be like if pursuing knowledge becomes a trend in a society? All students are motivated to learn and there's（there is）no doubt the (overall) education quality will improve.

Last but not the least, the importance of teachers also lays on their role-model effect. In China, relevant laws are far from perfect and there are professors without strict moral principles taking[L3]their projects（project） fund as an income source. Subtle influence will be exerted on their students by professors who fail to discipline themselves. When their students step[L7] into society, they tend(incline) to do the same thing（补上that is, chasing nothing but money.）.

Teachers are often compared to candles. They burn themselves and light up their students' road to knowledge.（好~） Consistently giving out their light, professors in universities deserve more financial income.


基于lx071250的砖块重新搭起来的~~
1. 修正一些语法错误 [L1] [L2] [L3] [L7] [L8]
2. 调整第四段内部语序[L4] [L5] [L6]
3. 第二、三点调换顺序
4. 其他修改



Conclusion:1.注意不要连写there is分开之类的

2.结尾写得好有诗意啊，呵呵

3.大体上没有错误了，不过要注意语言的简洁性~

killT

5.25 Independent writing - revised 1
2010.11.13 NA  -  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: To improve the quality of university education we should spend more money on the salaries of university professors.


With the developing of modern society, knowledge has beenelevated to an unprecedented height. On the other hand, teachers' salaries arestill relatively low. University professors should get more money asreward, which can help universities provide a better education. The main reasonsare following.

First, with higher salaries, professors can devotethemselves more to teaching. It is almost impossible for professors to teachwell if they have to scrimp and save, calculating how much they spend all day,to buy their children milk powder that is good and safe. [L1]As a matter of fact, some teachers and professors in the university do find it hard to afford their house loan. They take part-time jobsto sustain a living and run about day and night. If professors are less distractedfrom financial problems,[2] they can spend more time designing their lecture PPT andpolishing their delivery. Then students will benefit.

Second, raising professors salaries can show our society'srespect for knowledge. In this economic society, money becomes an importantmeasure of people's value. So providing more money to professors can give higher social status to them, thus knowledge professors stand for[L8]. Can you imagine what it will be like if pursuing knowledgebecomes a trend in a society? All students are motivated to learn and there'sno doubt the education quality will improve.

Last but not the least, the importance of teachers also lays on their role-model effect. In China, relevant laws are far from perfect and there are professors without strict moralprinciples taking[L3]their projects fund as an income source. Subtle influence will be exerted on their students by professors who fail to discipline themselves. When their students step[L7]into society, they tend to do the same thing.

Teachers are often compared to candles. They burnthemselves and light up their students' road to knowledge. Consistently givingout their light, professors in universities deserve more financial income.


基于lx071250的砖块重新搭起来的~~
1. 修正一些语法错误 [L1] [L2] [L3] [L7] [L8]
2. 调整第四段内部语序[L4] [L5] [L6]
3. 第二、三点调换顺序
4. 其他修改

lx071250

2010.11.13 NA -  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: To improvethe quality of university education we should spend more money on the salariesof university professors.

With the developing of modern society, knowledge has beenelevated to an unprecedented height. On the other hand, teachers' salaries arestill relatively low. University professors' salaries should get more money asreward, which can help universities provide a better education and the reasonsare following.

First, with higher salaries, professors can devotethemselves more to teaching. It is almost impossible for professors to teachwell if they have to scrimp and save, calculating how much they spend all day,to buy their children milk powder that is good and safe. However[L1] , as a matter fact, some teachers and professors in the universitynevertheless find it hard to afford their house loan. They take part-time jobsto sustain a living and run about day and night. If they are less distractedfrom financial problems. [L2] Professors can spend more time designing their lecture PPT andpolishing their delivery. Then students will benefit.

Second, there are professors without strict moralprinciples take[L3] their projects fund as an income source. In China, the laws are notperfect.However[L4] , the importance of teachers lays not only on passing knowledge butalso on their role-model effects. Even if [L5] only a handful of professors failed to discipline themselves [L6] they will have subtle influence on their students. When their studentsstepping [L7] into the society, they tend to do the same thing.

Finally, raising professors salaries can show our society'srespect for knowledge. In this economic society, money becomes an importantmeasure of people's value. So providing more money to professors can give themhigher social status, thus knowledge they stand for[L8] .  Can you imagine what it will be like if pursuing knowledgebecomes the trend in a society? All students are motivated to learn and there'sno doubt the education quality will improve.

Teachers are often compared to candles. They burnthemselves and light up their students' road to knowledge. Consistently givingout their light, professors in universities deserve more financial income.

不错，继续加油！
[L1]However 前后句不构成转折吧，Furthermore换一下


[L2]，


[L3]Taking


[L4]前后之间构成因果关系，除非后句你改为老师可以-教学生道德知识-弥补这一缺陷teachers can  supplement thelack by passing moral knowledge  


[L5]也没有假设关系


[L6]，


[L7]Step


[L8]？什么意思

lx071250

继续加油！就会越来越好 望回改

killT

5.25 integrated writing
TPO2


The lecture talks about a company using groups to finish tasks. And the result contradicts the advantages of team work referred in the reading passage.

First, team members of the company do not get their deserved recognizition. Some of them just take a free ride and do nothing, but they can still share the success of the team. Those real contributors, however, remain no-name heroes and are totally unnoticed. This directly contradict with the reading which says they will feel better and be recognized.

Second, the reading passage points out that the project group doesn't make either quick response or creative solution. But in the professor's example,  things turn out differently. Sometimes, it takes a long time to reach consensus. Other times, those influential people totally decide where the team goes and other opinions are not well-considered and then a poor decision is made.

Finally, everyone in the group is blamed for the failure of the project. This is not the case talked in the reading in which spread responsibility makes no individual accountable.