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clermont129 求指教!

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楼主
发表于 2013-6-25 12:21:17 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
今天开始加入写作小组,求大家指教!
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沙发
 楼主| 发表于 2013-6-25 13:43:54 | 只看该作者
6.25 独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
To celebrate some major events like graduation or birthday,inviting lots of friends to hold a big party is better than inviting some close friends and family members to have a small party.

How to celebrate major events in your life? Different people have different answers. Some one might hold the point that inviting lots of friends to hold a big party is a good way. While some one might prefer to invite some close friends and family members to have a small party. From my perspective, I would like to choose the latter one. Here come my reasons.

First and foremost, only friends and family members are these who would have the right to share your achievement and happiness. When you fell into troubles, who got you out? When you defeated by the life, who encourage you to stand up? When you fell helpless in the dark, who gave you the light of hope? Only your friends and family members did and will do. Therefore, when you overcome frustrate, when you achieve your goals, when you success, who have the right to share the happiness with you? Of course, without doubt, your friends and family members have! I remember when I failed in investment I lost everything, include my house and car. When I desperate and felt like the end of the world. My friends and family members helped me go through that. They helped me to analyze the reason for the failure and lent me money, finally I made it. When my new company successed, I only held a small party to share the happiness with them.

Secondly, holding a big party might have some troubles.  For instance, the suitable place might be a problem. Where should we hold the big party? Obviously, not our house or apartment, probably renting a hall in the hotel can hand these. Then how about the fee? That would be a huge of budget. Moreover, because there are too many people in the party, the situation could be difficult to deal with. For example, in the wedding, the guy sits beside you maybe don't know neither the bride nor the groom.

In sum, according to the analysis above, inviting some close friends and family members at your big moment is more reasonable.
板凳
 楼主| 发表于 2013-6-25 14:20:19 | 只看该作者
6.25 综合写作 TOP5

The passage proposed three possible theories to explain the use of the great house. However the professor thought all of these are unconvincing and refuted these theories one by one.

First, the professor said that although the outside of the Chaco looked like an apartment, the inside indicated that it could not be an apartment. Because there were only 10 fireworks which were not enough fireplaces for more than one hundred families. Therefore, the professor objected the point in the passage that the Chaco structure was purely residential.

Second, the professor pointed out that there were no trace of maize or the container found in the Chaco structure. So the conclusion that made by the passage that the Chaco structure was used to store food is also unconvincing.

Finally, the professor opposed that the Chaco structure did not be used as ceremonial center. And he explained that the mound and a pile of broken pot might be building trash or regular trash which is also different with passage.

In sum, by further evidence, the passage was totally attacked by the professor.
地板
发表于 2013-6-25 16:34:27 | 只看该作者
看样子今天应该就我俩占座吧。。。
队长还木有分组,我先帮你改了吧。。。
5#
发表于 2013-6-25 16:49:39 | 只看该作者
How to celebrate major events in your life? Different people have different answers. Someone might hold the point that inviting lots of friends to hold a big party is a good way. While someone might prefer to invite some close friends and family members to have a small party. From my perspective, I would like to choose the latter one. Here come my reasons.

First and foremost, only friends and family members are these who would have the right to share your achievement and happiness.(最好不要出现第二人称) When you fell into troubles, who got you out? When you defeated by the life, who encourage you to stand up? When you fell helpless in the dark, who gave you the light of hope?(排比句最好时态保持一致) Only your friends and family members did and will do. Therefore, when you overcome frustrate, when you achieve your goals, when you success,(我觉得这些句子用after引导会更好) who have the right to share the happiness with you? Of course, without doubt,(语意有些重复) your friends and family members have! I remember when I failed in investment I lost everything(少谓语), include(including) my house and car. When I desperate and felt(时态一致)(like前少主语) like the end of the world. My friends and family members helped me go through that.(指代不明) They helped me to analyze the reason for (of)the failure and lent me money, finally I made it(指代不明). When my new company successed,(succeeded) I only held a small party to share the happiness with them.

Secondly, holding a big party might have some troubles.  For instance, the suitable place might be a problem. Where should we hold the big party? Obviously, not our house or apartment, probably renting a hall in the hotel can hand(handle) these. Then how about the fee? That would be a huge of budget. Moreover, because there are too many people in the party, the situation could be difficult to deal with. For example, in the wedding, the guy sits beside you maybe don't know neither the bride nor the groom.

In sum, according to the analysis above, inviting some close friends and family members at your big moment is more reasonable。

1.语言过于口语化。而且建议减少疑问句的使用;
2,内容过于简单,最好有3个论点支持;
3,T的作文最好减少第二人称的使用。

一点拙见,还望共同努力~
6#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-6-26 03:10:13 | 只看该作者
谢谢 阿伦艾弗森

你提出的建议很中肯,我以后会注意的,希望大家一起进步!
7#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-6-26 07:45:28 | 只看该作者
6.26 独立写作   
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People should buy things made in their own countries, even if the prices are higher than those of the same things made by other countries.

Nowadays the competition between countries is more and more fierce, in order to protect our own industries, some people propose that people should buy things made in our own countries, even if the prices are higher than those of the same things made by others. From my perspective, I disagree with this statement.

First and foremost, the quality is the most important aspect which people concern about when they purchase merchandize. For instance, when I want to buy a pair of shoes, the first thing I care about is the quality including what materials they are made of, whether they comfortable and whether they are durable, which would be considered prior to other aspects. The quality would be the most attractive aspect to consumer. For any company or industry which want to success in the market, improving product's quality is the only solution.

Moreover, the prise also plays an important role in the decision making process. Everybody wants to purchase excellent good with less money. For example, as I said before, buying shoes, after the quality, I would like to choose the cheaper ones if there are two pairs of shoes similar at the quality. There are many factors can influent the price of a product. Company could reduce the price of product by controlling the expense on the raw materials and  reducing the waste during the generation process.

Last but not the least, country should not be consider as a limit when people purchase goods. Admittedly, globalization makes the competition more intense. Encourage people only purchase good produced by our own country is not the suitable solution. There are possible solutions include improving the quality of our goods by innovating technique and lowering the prices by finding ways to control the expense during the producing. Only in this way, could the company produce excellent goods with low price. Then, not only we would buy their goods, but also people from other countries would buy.

In the nutshell, according the analysis above, I think that when we purchase good, we should not only buy these thing which made in our own country.

怎么绞尽脑汁了,还是才这么点呀?怎样充实内容呀?就这都写了一个多小时呢
8#
发表于 2013-6-26 11:31:55 | 只看该作者
clermont129 发表于 2013-6-26 03:10
谢谢 阿伦艾弗森

你提出的建议很中肯,我以后会注意的,希望大家一起进步! ...

额,您也得帮我改下。。。
9#
发表于 2013-6-27 13:13:48 | 只看该作者
Nowadays,注意标点哟) the competition between countries is more and more fierce, in order to protect our own(own用的太多啦,建议可以改成domestic or native or national) industries, some people propose that people should buy things made in our own countries, even if the prices are higher than those of the same things made by others.我觉得第一段最好是不是不要和题目重复的太多?这个地方可以把句式改一下) From my perspective, I disagree with this statement.

First and foremost, the(这个感觉有些多余) quality is the most important aspect which people concern about when they purchase merchandize. For instance, when改为If好些) I want to buy a pair of shoes, the first thing I care about is the quality including what materials they are made of, whether they comfortable and whether they are durable,直接改为whether they are comfortable and durable.)which would be considered prior to other aspects.(which would be the prior consideration) The quality would be the most attractive aspect to consumer. For any company or industry which want(wants) to success in the market, improving product's quality is the only solution.(improving the quality of their production is the best approach)

Moreover, the prise(price) also plays an important(important 用的太多了,改为significant or essential or indispensable) role in the decision making process. Everybody wants to purchase excellent good with less money. For example, as I said (mentioned)before, buying shoes, after the quality,(后面写到了相同质量,这个地方有点多余) I would like to choose the cheaper ones if there are two pairs of shoes similar at  the quality.with the same quality) There are many factors can influent the price of a product. Company could reduce the price of product by controlling the expense on the raw materials and  reducing the waste during the generation process.(这句的作用在哪里。。。)

Last but not the least, country should not be consider as a limit when people purchase goods. Admittedly, globalization makes the competition more intense. Encourageencouraging) people only purchase good produced by our own country is not the suitable solution. There are possible solutions include improving the quality of our goods by innovating technique and lowering the prices by finding ways to control the expense during the producing. Only in this way, could the company produce excellent goods with low price. Then, not only we would buy their goods, but also people from other countries would buy.

In the nutshell, according the analysis above, I think that when we purchase good, we should not only buy these thing(things) which made in our own country.

10#
发表于 2013-6-27 13:17:45 | 只看该作者
我是第一次帮别人改作文。。自己也不知如何,如果有不对的地方给我讲哈~

我觉得你的例子比较少,说服性不太强,其实我写这些文章也很痛苦,素材收集的不够,一般我就上网上搜一些新闻,或者文章什么的看一看,然后再自己整理成英文的。这样文章会显得更充实一些。
论点和论据看上去有些混乱。
句式有时候比较中文化,还有important什么的用的有些多,最好不要老出现相同的词,可以搜索同义词然后写完后自己改一下。

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