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[作文互改] 小弟的处女作,ARG,求大神指点

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发表于 2012-1-14 11:57:50 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
9.The following appeared in a memorandum from a dean at Omega University.
"Fifteen years ago, Omega University implemented a new procedure that encouraged students to evaluate the teaching effectiveness of all their professors. Since that time, Omega professors have begun to assign higher grades in their classes, and overall student grade averages at Omega have risen by thirty percent. Potential employers apparently believe the grades at Omega are inflated; this would explain why Omega graduates have not been as successful at getting jobs as have graduates from nearby Alpha University. To enable its graduates to secure better jobs, Omega University should now terminate student evaluation of professors."
15年前,Omega大学实施了一项新措施,鼓励学生对所有教授的教学效果进行评价。从那以后,Omega的教授开始给予学生更高的分数,Omega的学生成绩总平均上升了30%。未来的雇主显然认为Omega的分数贬值了;这可以解释为什么Omega的毕业生找工作时没有邻近的Alpha大学毕业生成功。为使Omega毕业生找到好工作,我们应立即停止学生对教授的评价。

Based on three assumptions,the arguer recommends that Omega University should terminate student evaluation of professors in order to enable its graduates to secure better jobs,but fails to give enough evidence to convince us of the asumptions.
 First,the arguer assumes that student evaluation of professors is the casuse of the phenomena that Omega professors assign higher grades in their classes.However,some evidence is neccessarily needed to demonstrate the arguer has ruled out other possible reasons.Perhaps the Omega Unversity had taken some measures , such as rasing the standard of entry,to improve the quality of the students’ source who will perform better in the university.Or perhaps the standard to assess the performance of students had went down since that time so that the overall student grade averages at Omega University inevitably rose.
Second,the arguer makes an underlying assumption that Omega graduates should have been as successful at getting jobs as have or even better than Alpha graduates,but fails to give any evidence to subtantiate it.Even if the assumpion is true,the given evidence is not enough to demonstrate  it is the dramatic rise in grades that push the potential employers to believe the grades at Omega graduates are inflated and do not accurately reflect student achievement.
Third,the aguer’s conclusion depends on the questionable assumption that better jobs will be secured to graduates from Omega University if Omega University terminate student evaluation of professors.Apparently,the arguer ignores the possibility that a long time evaluation leads students accustomed to getting high grades without studying hard,and if so,a bad studying atmophere may come into being,which will in turn weaken the competence of the Omega graduates.And potential employers will be more reluctant to hire the Omega graduates.The arguer is also short-sight to see the benefits of evaluation of professors.For instance,professors may take more measures to improve the quality of teaching and learning,and they may be more genial to students.
 In conclusion,the recommendation for terminating student evaluation of professors is not well supported.To convince me that terminating student evaluation of profesors will take effect ,the arguer should give more evidence that the evaluation indeed leads to higer grades.To better evaluate the recommendation,I need more illustrations on how student evaluation ultimately effect the graduates’ job chances.
一共369个字 字数够不?还差多少?求大神指点一下哪些地方急需改进,这是我第一篇GRE作文。
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沙发
发表于 2012-1-14 12:47:09 | 只看该作者
第一段里面你提到了Based on three assumptions,这个是不好的,你最好直接写出来,这样会比较好。整体上这篇A中规中矩,还行。你的语言表达上还可以进一步优化
板凳
发表于 2012-1-14 21:54:08 | 只看该作者
you need spaces after commas(,) or periods(.) and an empty line when a paragraph is finished.

you also had some spelling mistakes that could be fixed by simply using a spell checker
地板
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-15 09:04:33 | 只看该作者
谢谢两位版主
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